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Old 10-20-2012, 04:39 AM
SummerRain SummerRain is offline
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Default Hypocrisy

Hi all,
When I got married I informed husband to be that I didn't think I could be monogamos and he said "no worries". He loved the idea that we could date others. Rather surpisingly it was me who didn't date. I was content in my new life as a wife. Hubby wanted to date and we managed to set up some ground guidelines which have ebbed and flowed as we have learned how to negotiate polyamory.

I always knew that if I was to date someone it would likely be someone that I knew or had gotton to know outside of dating. For the last few years I have managed a seasonal store and "Sally" has come to visit. Sally is a straight guy who has adopted a female persona and though I would almost say is a crossdresser, she has informed me that she dresses in girls clothing all the time. She identifies herself as a lesbian. The lables mean nothing to me. I met Sally as Matt, but Matt has all but disappeared and Matt is now Sally 24/7. Are you with me so far?

Over the years I have gotton to know Sally and this past summer I knew that I wanted to go out on a date with her. Since waiting for her to ask me out just didn't seem like it was ever going to happen my husband casually suggested I ask her out. So, what for the first time in 8 years I did just that and much to my surprise and happiness she said yes. She seemed a bit nervous and wanted to know "where it was al going to go" and I kiddingly said, let's just get to know one another before we start planning a marriage.

Now, all this time I have been honest with Sally. I never hid that I was married or that I am poly. With the seasonal store closed and my life returning to a more normal state I emailed Sally and said "hey, let's get together." More than a week goes by and I receive no answer. I write another email, short and sweet to which still receives no answer so as a last ditch effort I write another email which basically asks if she was still interested in going out.

Her email comes back as "I don't condone poly relationships".

At this point I'm rather perplexed. Here is a man, who dresses like a girl, identifies as a girl, is into BDSM, switches from a top to a bottom, is into pony play and all sorts of other things and doesn't condone polyamory?

Wow......

I'm sitting here trying to wrap my head around it. The hypocrisy makes me want to strangle someone. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with Sally about acceptance and having people accept him/her for her kink and her lifestyle choices ... and she doesn't CONDONE polyamory?

Hypocrite.

Worse is, I never hid my marriage or my poly choice. I have been honest about it from the get go, so I'm rather surprised by her reply. And truth be told I'm very disappointed.

One of the reasons I don't really do a lot of dating is because I hate the rejection and so after eight years of being basically monogomos the first time out of the gate I'm literally shot down. I know I should have a thicker skin about it, but I am really bothered by it.

So there it is. My first never to happen polydate after eight years. Certainly not one for the memory books.

Summer
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Old 10-20-2012, 06:00 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Default Rejection

Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerRain View Post
So there it is. My first never to happen polydate after eight years. Certainly not one for the memory books.
Rejection sucks, there's just no two ways about it. I find that managing expectations is a good way to minimize emotional damage if things don't pan out. Like, try to keep my self talk to more realistic terms instead of allowing myself to build the potential relationship up as something magical. In any case, not getting what I want will always be a bummer - new lovers are no exception.

As far as her being a hypocrite, I don't see it. She's a hypocrite because her lifestyle would probably get her burned at the stake at a Tea Party just like yours would? That doesn't require that she dig on your lifestyle and there is nothing hypocritical about her not condoning your views.

Granted, it's strange and surprising for her to change her mind like that, but you don't get to decide what she likes and doesn't like. You only get to determine those things for yourself.
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Old 10-20-2012, 09:36 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by SummerRain View Post
I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with Sally about acceptance and having people accept him/her for her kink and her lifestyle choices ... and she doesn't CONDONE polyamory?
Yes, this is definitely a situation where Sally is allowed to be "different", but you have to fit into what she considers "normal". So what do you do with something like this?

First, understand that she said no to you, but the reason she said no is not about you. Don't take it personally. Move on and live your life.

I would bet Sally's attitude of "I can be different, but no one else can" extends far beyond polyamory. If you did start a relationship with her, you would get a lot closer to her various attitudes about different things. If you think it's unpleasant before you even start a romance with her, just think how it would feel to you if you were deep in a romance with her. I would consider this "rejection" a gift, and move on.

Last edited by snowmelt; 10-20-2012 at 09:38 AM.
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Old 10-21-2012, 03:38 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm really sorry she didn't just say "Sorry, I realize poly wont work for me" I'd guess that your lighthearted comment about "lets get to know each other before we start planning a marriage" may have made her panic and think that she'd never be important because you already are married so assumed it would be too risky for her heart or that she'd just be a casual fling (and didn't understand that wasn't necessarily the case) I hope it wasn't more than that, but whatever it was it's too bad she didn't leave the door open to conversation about things instead of being rude.

Don't let this be too much of a setback though, don't be afraid to ask people out in the future just because of this.
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Old 10-21-2012, 01:11 PM
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Eudora Eudora is offline
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Default re: fear

It might be helpful to remember that poly relationships can be super intimidating and triggering from the other side.

If Sally asked you from the get-go "where is this going?" she may have been dealing with feelings for you long before you asked her out. To be asked out by you while you're committed to someone else puts Sally is the "2nd best" category, which for some people is just unbearable. Her curt email "I don't condone poly" was clearly an act of her expressing that pain and, really, I don't even think it was intended as a judgement of you/poly as much as it was a way for her to act out....
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:03 PM
ahpook33 ahpook33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
As far as her being a hypocrite, I don't see it. She's a hypocrite because her lifestyle would probably get her burned at the stake at a Tea Party just like yours would? That doesn't require that she dig on your lifestyle and there is nothing hypocritical about her not condoning your views.
Well said, Marcus. And to add to that, I think it was presumptuous of the OP to think that the object of her affection would be up for a poly relationship because, well, she MUST be anything-goes since she's trans and kinky.
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:07 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by ahpook33 View Post
Well said, Marcus. And to add to that, I think it was presumptuous of the OP to think that the object of her affection would be up for a poly relationship because, well, she MUST be anything-goes since she's trans and kinky.
I'm pretty sure the OP thought she's be up for a poly relationship cause when she asked her out, she said yes. Don't really think that counts as presumptuous.
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Old 10-21-2012, 10:10 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerRain View Post
At this point I'm rather perplexed. Here is a man, who dresses like a girl, identifies as a girl, is into BDSM, switches from a top to a bottom, is into pony play and all sorts of other things and doesn't condone polyamory?

Wow......

I'm sitting here trying to wrap my head around it. The hypocrisy makes me want to strangle someone. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with Sally about acceptance and having people accept him/her for her kink and her lifestyle choices ... and she doesn't CONDONE polyamory?

Hypocrite.
There's a big difference between accepting what someone else is, and wanting to be part of it.

Have you spoken to her about this? Asked what exactly she means by "condone?" Pointed out your opinion that it's hypocritical to judge you for your lifestyle while expecting others to be accepting of her own?

There are so many possible reasons for her to react negatively. She could have been cheated on in the past by someone who claimed to be polyamorous. She could have been really into you and was upset with the idea that you could never be with her the way you're with your husband.

Don't forget, she only had this reaction when you were asking to be involved with her romantically. She didn't stop being your friend when you told her you were polyamorous.

Without further discussion, I would give her the benefit of the doubt, that her usage of the word "condone" was sloppy and not deliberately judgemental. If you talk to her more and she still says that she's judging your poly ass, then you've got a better leg to stand on.
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Old 10-21-2012, 10:15 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerRain View Post
Sally is a straight guy who has adopted a female persona and though I would almost say is a crossdresser, she has informed me that she dresses in girls clothing all the time. She identifies herself as a lesbian. The lables mean nothing to me. I met Sally as Matt, but Matt has all but disappeared and Matt is now Sally 24/7. Are you with me so far?

Here is a man, who dresses like a girl, identifies as a girl, is into BDSM, switches from a top to a bottom, is into pony play and all sorts of other things and doesn't condone polyamory?

I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with Sally about acceptance and having people accept him/her for her kink and her lifestyle choices
If Sally is now living as a woman, the correct pronoun is just "her," not "him/her." Sally is not a straight guy, she is a lesbian. Sally is not a "man who dresses like a girl," she is a woman, or a transgendered woman if you feel the dire need to make it clear that she has a penis.

The labels may mean nothing to you; they mean nothing to me either. But they mean a lot to the people who go to the trouble of sticking them on themselves. The fact that you want to have a relationship with this person, but you have not taken the trouble to educate yourself on the transgendered lifestyle and transgendered issues, could be one of the reasons she doesn't condone your own lifestyle.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-21-2012 at 10:22 PM.
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  #10  
Old 10-21-2012, 10:19 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'm pretty sure the OP thought she's be up for a poly relationship cause when she asked her out, she said yes. Don't really think that counts as presumptuous.
True, that doesn't count as presumptuous.
But what we were responding to does...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerRain View Post
I'm sitting here trying to wrap my head around it. The hypocrisy makes me want to strangle someone. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with Sally about acceptance and having people accept him/her for her kink and her lifestyle choices ... and she doesn't CONDONE polyamory?
We don't get to decide for other people what lifestyles they want to be a part of. This remains fact no matter how odd we might think the other aspects of a persons life are.
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