Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 10-21-2012, 03:10 PM
cmonkee cmonkee is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
Default Thanks for the responses

Clarification

I am not disturbed that he laid out the limits for G. I don't think I asked him to, but I think that it makes some sense to let someone know these limits rather than a vague "can't do that day/time/activity" that may just leave new partners confused or feeling jerked around. I'm sure he did so in a way that was respectful of me. I'm sure he made it clear that these are *our* agreements, not my rules.

The point of contention was that he mentioned to me that he told her, but really didn't tell me the full truth. He could have not mentioned it at all -- I would have been fine with that.

Current Situation

We've talked more about this. He agreed to try thinking a bit more before speaking. He doesn't think that he consciously left that out when originally telling me, which is possible. I agreed that I will try to back off when I'm feeling insecure and not launch into interrogation mode, which obviously makes him feel defensive. (That wasn't the precursor to what happened this time, but a more general problem.)

Background

There were some questions about the situation more generally. My partner (S) and I are in a long term committed relationship, with things that often go with that: shared finances, shared home, chores, meals, pets, annoying (extended) family events, telling each other when one of us has bad breath, etc.

S is in an extremely demanding and stressful profession, meaning that we often struggle with both equitable sharing of household responsibilities and having a lot of quality time together. (I also work rather long hours, but S is expected to work most evenings and weekends.) The limits on S's time with G are about preserving our time together, his ability to get work done, and his ability to contribute meaningfully to household tasks. As they stand, I think they're pretty generous. However, he's only been seeing G for a week, so it's all very crushy and he'd likely spend a lot more time right now without the limits.

Over the course of our relationship, we've had a very small number of external sexual relationships. Neither of us is looking for another serious commitment, but S wants something that lasts longer and has more substance than unattached sex.

My insecurities about this stem somewhat from the fact that S and G work together. The fact that S can tell me "I'm going to the office" and that means he'll likely see her throughout the day, maybe take a break or two for coffee, maybe have lunch together makes me feel very threatened. I think this is about the fact that although I could say "no" to a specific date night, I can't interfere with his work. Previously, he spent a lot more time working at home and we get those sorts of moments together. Now, he goes to the office more often because he wants to see her, so I feel like I'm losing a lot of moments that were very enjoyable.

There are a few other things that make this hard to swallow: the fact that he's making time for her, but is responding to some to my requests with "I'm super behind at work." I also realize that this crushy stuff will wear off quickly, but have trouble getting that to information to change how I feel in the moment.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 10-21-2012, 05:03 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default Losing Time

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmonkee View Post
There are a few other things that make this hard to swallow: the fact that he's making time for her, but is responding to some to my requests with "I'm super behind at work." I also realize that this crushy stuff will wear off quickly, but have trouble getting that to information to change how I feel in the moment.
It seems reasonable enough to me that you should feel negative emotions regarding losing time with someone you like to have time with. It's natural to be envious of someone who is getting something that you would like to have for yourself. I know that I can have a bit of a pout when I don't have as much access to Isa as I would like.

However, this is not Isas responsibility, as your feelings of envy are not your spouses responsibility. My feelings are entirely my own to deal with. That's not to say that I can't tell her in case she can shave off a bit more time with me. *but* she is under no obligation to grant my request or to take on any responsibility for my frustration.

Regarding "crushy" stuff, there is no guarantee that crush feelings will ebb quickly nor that they will not return periodically. I wouldn't necessarily get attached to the idea that he'll be "back to normal" as a method of dealing with your envy feelings.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 10-21-2012, 10:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,029
Default

Is there anything on page 5 and 6 of this article that could help?

Balance the NRE/ORE thing?

GalaGirl
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 10-21-2012, 11:30 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmonkee View Post
S is in an extremely demanding and stressful profession, meaning that we often struggle with both equitable sharing of household responsibilities and having a lot of quality time together. (I also work rather long hours, but S is expected to work most evenings and weekends.) The limits on S's time with G are about preserving our time together, his ability to get work done, and his ability to contribute meaningfully to household tasks. As they stand, I think they're pretty generous. However, he's only been seeing G for a week, so it's all very crushy and he'd likely spend a lot more time right now without the limits.
If your ultimate goal is to ensure that S has enough time for you and the household, wouldn't it make more sense to make agreements about that? Explicitly limiting his time with G does not ensure that he'll spend the remainder of the time on you, your household, and his job. It just means that he won't be spending that time with her.

While that might feel like a bandaid on your insecurity, it really doesn't address any underlying issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmonkee View Post
My insecurities about this stem somewhat from the fact that S and G work together. The fact that S can tell me "I'm going to the office" and that means he'll likely see her throughout the day, maybe take a break or two for coffee, maybe have lunch together makes me feel very threatened.
This is just more evidence that restricting their date time together isn't likely to solve the issue.

My impression from reading the first post is that you imposed these limits on him. You say he "agreed" to them, but I suspect he did so under duress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmonkee View Post
I think this is about the fact that although I could say "no" to a specific date night, I can't interfere with his work.
This really drives home my suspicion that you're basically forcing him to agree to your conditions. Yes, he has free will and he can choose not to agree. But let's be realistic. When your wife is standing their, tapping her foot, and making it clear that if you doesn't agree to her conditions, she's going to make your life a living hell... Well, it's not much of a "choice."

You pick your battles. In this case, date time wasn't worth giving up his whole family, especially when he realized he could just "go to the office" and get around your rules.

Bottom line, I think you need to renegotiate your agreement. These "2 x 6-8 hours + 3 x 1 hour" per-week limits are so specific as to appear ridiculous, at least to me. Plus, they don't seem to be "working" in that you're still concerned about the time he spends at home and actually doing his job at work. Perhaps a more marriage-focused approach would be better, something like specific date nights for you and your husband, specific chores that he will do around the house every day / week, and even include his responsibilities at work.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 10-22-2012, 06:18 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 821
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If your ultimate goal is to ensure that S has enough time for you and the household, wouldn't it make more sense to make agreements about that? Explicitly limiting his time with G does not ensure that he'll spend the remainder of the time on you, your household, and his job. It just means that he won't be spending that time with her.

I think that's a great and much more useful way of looking at things. #1 for me is asking for what I want and need (or think I need) to be happy in a relationship and see if those can be met first before worrying about what is going on in other relationships. I think a lot of people respond to this better too. In our house we have agreements about being home X days a week in order to make sure household stuff is getting done & 2 days together to make sure bonding stuff is getting done (they can overlap), before scheduling other stuff.

And wow 1 week of dating is very new, I'm a believer of "begin as you want it to continue" and seeing G a lot now then having to taper it if (when) it turns out he does neglect all his other responsibilities at home and you get in an argument about it sets poor expectations IMO.

Do you think if you asked him to spend one or two days a week working from home still so you could share those moments that were special to you, it would make a difference to you? Maybe if he is willing to negotiate being at home every Wednesday, say - you'll find having that time together mid week is enough to make you feel like you're getting to touch base often enough.

And I admit, 2 dates a week I get, 3 one hour coffee visits a week...that I didn't get. Clock watching to make sure you don't enjoy your coffee and company for 70 minutes? I think that would set a lot of mostly honest people to hedge the truth (admit I had coffee for 65 minutes and have my partner mad at me? Awkwardly set my alarm for 59 minutes then jump up out of my chair and say I have to dash?) If I agreed to 2 dates a week and didn't have to worry about time spent at work (because he has to actually be getting work done too, right?) I'd find it hard to say that wasn't reasonable, a lot of people might rebel against minute counting though. I've had similar reservations about my husband dating at work because of thinking of all the extra time they'd have for seeing each other day after day, I know if I say I'm find with him going ahead and dating a co-worker, putting limits on how much they can see each at work will probably do more harm than good.

Hopefully that made sense though it was rambly, I'm having a serious head cold right now :| I will add though...if somebody says they will try to think before they speak...do NOT expect that they will think before they speak, that's just setting yourself up. People are who they are, I can't recall a single time in 20 years that a partner who has told me they will "try to ___ from now on" has actually succeeded. I've found ignoring those statements has made me much happier than being upset when they fail to follow through.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
lying, rules

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:50 AM.