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  #1  
Old 06-01-2009, 06:16 AM
cherrygirl cherrygirl is offline
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Okay, first I have to tell you, I'm not poly. But for some reason, I keep finding guys that are. My last boyfriend was, and the guy I'm with now is. I know polyamory is more than just legal cheating. I've actually heard it called that once. I was in a relationship about 8 years ago with a guy I was very much in love with, and I started to fall in love with his best friend. They both loved me too, but at the time, I had never heard of poly, let alone would have known how to do it. I hurt them both very much, so I've chosen to live as a mono because I can't stand the idea of possibly hurting somebody else I care about like that.

The problem isn't that I don't understand what poly is. The problem is that even though I knew he was poly, he told me he would be mono for me. That's how much he said he wanted to be with me. Now, he's changed his mind. He tells me he doesn't understand why I have such a problem with it when I've experienced it for myself. I've tried telling him why till I'm blue in the face, that it has nothing to do with poly itself, it has to do with the fact that I'm mono and I don't understand why one person can't be enough.

So, I'm asking you all this. Why isn't one person enough? Please don't take this as me judging you, because I'm not, I'm really curious as to know why. This is the part I don't understand.
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Old 06-01-2009, 01:00 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Good question....only recently (6-8 months) did my wife of 27 years know I was poly or wanted to enter a poly lifestyle....you talk about a shock! For me, being poly with 2 women can only exist with love.....I don't believe in the "legal cheating" terminology. We are in a unique situation of all 3 being best friends and loving eachother very much. Having said that, my wife has surely been wrestling with the question you posed, "why can't she be enough"?

I thought intially it WAS about our individual and very different sex drives, I was wrong. It's more about completing or rounding out our "whole" lives. Each of the 3 of us has different wants and needs, economic, physical, emotional, etc. This just seems the best way for all of us to get those needs met, especially now as we move into middle age with kids off to college,etc. My wife is def not poly, but I think she's making rapid strides in adapting to it. Just yesterday, she hopped in the car with us and exclaimed, "life's just too short not to be happy"....this is a big change for her, and I'm sure she looks at it as though she somehow has been a failure. She hasn't been, she's a great wife. Some people do change however (that's me), it's nobody's fault.

My feeling is that in the future, with living expenses and natural resources getting tighter, we'll see many more family and communal living arrangements sprouting up everywhere. More nuclear families with grandparents, etc. Will everybody be poly? No, but some will and will live, fuller, richer lives for it. Hope this helps you a little.
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Old 06-01-2009, 03:20 PM
cherrygirl cherrygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post

I thought intially it WAS about our individual and very different sex drives, I was wrong. It's more about completing or rounding out our "whole" lives. Each of the 3 of us has different wants and needs, economic, physical, emotional, etc. This just seems the best way for all of us to get those needs met, especially now as we move into middle age with kids off to college,etc.
See, I could respect the whole people have different needs that are met by different people. I understand that. I have a "need" to watch chick flicks, which I do with my best friend. He hates them. But when I asked him if it was because he had needs I wasn't fulfilling for whatever reason, he said no. I'm so confused. Obviously, it's probably not the same for everybody.
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Old 06-01-2009, 03:59 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It isn't about "needs" for me. It's because there is more than one person I am able to connect with during the same time period of life and in the combination of "levels" that make you realize you love the person(s).

Right now, I am not involved with anyone except my husband, and I am not looking for someone to "fill the void" that has been left because it didn't work out with the "other" guy I mentioned in my first post.
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Old 06-01-2009, 04:17 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrygirl View Post
The problem isn't that I don't understand what poly is. The problem is that even though I knew he was poly, he told me he would be mono for me. That's how much he said he wanted to be with me. Now, he's changed his mind. He tells me he doesn't understand why I have such a problem with it when I've experienced it for myself. I've tried telling him why till I'm blue in the face, that it has nothing to do with poly itself, it has to do with the fact that I'm mono and I don't understand why one person can't be enough.
Cherrygirl,

I am in a wonderful poly relationship and although I know what polyamory is, I don't think I will ever understand or fully accept the sexual aspect of it. The fact your partner changed his mind bothers me a little. I just hope he didn't try to make you so secure in a monogamous way only so he could re-introduce the idea of polyamory.

I go to monthly poly meetings as the only identified monogamous person there. I can tell you this; they find it as hard to understand a monogamous mindset as we find it to understand a polyamorous one. There are also others that will claim your nature is purely social conditioning and that everyone has the potential to be polyamorous.

I love Redpepper intimately and have love for her husband and son as well but, I would never deny that there is a constant struggle within myself to find a way to better handle the sexual possibilities that a polyamorous nature injects. I view sexual intimacy very differently than Redpepper in a lot of cases but am working on seeing it from her perspective.

As far as why one person can't be enough - I ask myself this question as well but more specifically towards sexual intimacy..not deep friendships. I have no answer but without polyamory I would not have Redpepper so I don't even go there LOL!!

Stay true to yourself and certainly don't allow yourself to get dragged along down a path that will hurt you constantly. Do what you need to be happy as he will do for himself.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 06-01-2009 at 04:19 PM.
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  #6  
Old 06-01-2009, 04:37 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Cherrygirl, Mono speaks the truth.....it can be confusing and it certainly can be hurtful, too....there's no sense in repeatedly hurting yourself. I really hate that I've put my wife of 27 years thru this transition that I feel I had to make. She's a real trooper though and values the relationship with her friend as she values our marriage. She's making the transition from being totally monogomous to poly and it's not easy for her. For me it sure seems kinda natural (and yes I was totally monogomous throughout our 27 years). I don't know how old you and your guy are, but I do know all kinds of games can be played by people.

From what I can ascertain in my own circumstances, it has to be easier for middle aged M + F to go poly. You're just at a different place inyour life. Less concerned with what society thinks, more independent financially, kids and those responsibilities gone, etc. You also are more likely to realize that your time on this planet is growing shorter and your capacity to love and care for others has grown immensely. It just seems really natural to me. It certainly can be used as nothing more than an excuse for swinging to others. Do what you have to do to be true to yourself.
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Old 06-04-2009, 05:40 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Why one person isn't enough probably varies from person to person. But I don't think that anyone expects any one person to fill all their needs all the time. It's nice to not have limits (other than self imposed ones) put on you when deciding how to interact within your friendships/relationships. When I care about someone I have a hard time keeping it soley plutonic. (That's not to say that I sleep with all my friends or anything but there is a fair bit of cuddling and kissing between us). It's not so hard to understand why one person isn't enough for someone in theory but it's much harder to emotionally understand why you aren't enough for someone else. (I'm really working on this).
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:00 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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sorry but i can only say how i am, i can't really say why i am. not without years of analysis at least! which i don't plan to do.

instead of wondering why some people want certain things and other folk want something different, for me it is more important that i just accept how things are and look at how to move forward with that.

everybody's different, but for me the whole "why" questioning tends to be a way for me to avoid dealing with the reality i am faced with, instead i spend hours/days/weeks questioning why it is that way.

for example, why i do feel angry when this happens? is it justified, rational, fair? days on end wasted with those questions, finally i get to the point : i do feel angry. thats an emotion, therefore it may not be possible to rationalise or entirely understand it. but its here, and it needs dealing with!

many of us have in our youth grappled with the old chestnut "why am i not heterosexual?".

only when we stopped with the questioning did we start to accept that we are queer and to get on with being so.

as many have noted, nobody ever seems to question why they are heterosexual! neither do many question why they need or want monogamy in their sexual/romantic relationships. because its the social norm in our society it never gets questioned, only those of us who differ are faced with the "why" questions.

if he was to ask you why you want monogamy, could you answer?

i can easier say why i don't want monogamy than why i do want polyamory to be honest, but perhaps that's because i have more experience of monogamy in my past relationships, and because i live in a monogamy-focused society!

i don't want to own my lover. i want our relationship to be an opener to new experiences, not a thing which limits and puts boundaries around what they can and can't experience while they are my partner.

i want to be free too, to live spontaneously and with as much love and sex as i feel suits me. i don't want to be meeting people with limits to our potential intimacy already laid out.

i want to work on my insecurities and anxieties in a healthy way, not let them trap me in their web. i don't want to put so much pressure on one relationship to be everything to me.

i want us only to be together because we want to be, not because that's what we decided and must stick to. when he is horny with me i want it to be because he is attracted to me, not because i am the only person he is allowed to be sexual with.

i want to be free to explore the many sides of my self, my sexuality, and my heart. no one person can possibly be everything for me. i want to own my emotions and my desires, not give them over to another to be responsible for.

that's just me though. and i haven't always felt this way.

if you are sure you want to be monogamous and that you want a partner who is too, then i say go for it. insist on nothing less. you deserve the sex and love life that you want, just as much as he does. maybe you aren't compatible in that sense, so maybe you both will need to say a loving and respectful goodbye while you each go look for what you really want.

to my mind it would be awful if a lover adopted a polyamorous lifestyle just to please me, it would also be awful if i became monogamous for any reason other than my own desire to be so. each to their own, but it couldn't work for me i don't think.

Last edited by dakid; 12-15-2009 at 11:02 PM.
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  #9  
Old 06-05-2009, 12:38 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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dakid, you sound like you have thought about this quite a bit. You raise many good points and it's obvious you like to celebrate your life and individuality. I think that speaks volumes and I firmly believe this lifestyle allows you to live like that. It certainly is very freeing to find myself living outside the box after 50 years of being packed away in it. Now I really get why gays feel so relieved and free when they finally come out. It is quite invigorating to one's soul.
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Old 06-05-2009, 02:10 AM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrygirl View Post
I've chosen to live as a mono because I can't stand the idea of possibly hurting somebody else I care about like that.
So instead you choose to hurt many? Just think of all of the guys who would have been happy to share you. You hurt them all.

It is somewhat tongue in cheek, but also possible in a more poly oriented society.

You are the one who should be protectecting your own heart. If you have an opinion that nobody agrees with, do you change your opinion to stop hurting them, or do you realize that they don't necessarily have the facts, and thereby cannot develop the same opinion as you?

I see the facts differently. Sure, I let ladies who insist on monogamy find someone else. If leaving me hurts them, that is their decision to make.
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