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  #51  
Old 10-21-2012, 12:43 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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So heres a question. How many out there are completely satisfied being a "secondary"? I know everyone is different but im just honestly wondering. Have u ever wished for more than was possible at the time? Have u ever been resentful to ur partners primary? And have u...or anyone uve known...tried to sabotage the primary relationship so that it would make u...or whoever...the primary at last? I only ask out of sheer curiosity and nothing else. I havent seen too much about horror stories but i dont have too much time to dig around. I thought it would b interesting to know. I like to be educated and prepared for all possible scenarios no matter how remote the chances. Im kinda paranoid like that. Lol
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  #52  
Old 10-21-2012, 05:33 AM
playswellwithothers playswellwithothers is offline
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Everyone is, yes, different. Being a secondary worked, in some ways, "better" for me when I still had a primary relationship (or any other romantic relationships). Right now, my secondary relationship with my partner is my ONLY relationship, and I don't know that it's incredibly healthy for me. It puts pressure on my partner, because he feels guilty if I'm having a rough physical or emotional time and he can't or chooses not to be here (in addition to being married, he travels a lot, is a very busy professional and devoted to physical training).

So yeah, there are times when I really wish he were here, and he isn't. Can't say those are always great days.

But two things that I think are really important:

1. I had plenty of days when I was married that I felt terribly lonely and like no one was "there" for me. That REALLY sucked.

2. Because sometimes I wish for more doesn't mean I want his marriage to blow up.

I love my partner deeply. I want him to be happy and fulfilled. How could I wish for anything that would cause him so much pain? Just as I believe his wife sees my value in his life, I see hers. They are plain, flat-out head-over-heels in love with each other even after being together 20 years. In many ways, she suits him as a primary companion FAR more than I would.

And even if I were to sweep all that aside--which I can't imagine being able to do--I think it's still true that if something horrible happened like his marriage going off the rails or, God forbid, something happening to his wife, there would be no guarantee and I believe no real likelihood that he would magically be my primary.

We work really well together part-time. I've never spent more than 6 days in a row with him--these days, it's usually a couple of days once or twice a month, less if he's on the road.

Because of that, we get to almost always be on a honeymoon. It's always special. There's that delicious rush of "not quite enough time." We have a real-life relationship that includes and encompasses our respective ills and ailments, problems, annoying habits, etc. But we don't live with any of that every day. We don't have to have money discussions, or household tasks, or stuff like that.

So I lose out on the day-to-day coziness of living with someone I love. But I gain space and time for personal growth and evolution, for rest, for parenting my son. And I get several days a month that are the most magical days of my life, even when we're just sitting around the house.

All that said--and I know this is long--I am guessing there are secondaries who struggle harder than I do with being a secondary, as well as secondaries who love it more, too. There are probably secondaries who wish they weren't secondaries, and maybe even misguided, confused, ill-intentioned secondaries who want to sabotage the primary relationship.

But I think what you really wanted to know was: is there an actual chance in hell that anybody would be content with being a secondary?

The answer is yes.
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  #53  
Old 10-21-2012, 02:15 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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No...i realize that one could be perfectly happy being a secondary. But i was really interested in the pov from those who weren't or aren't. I know myself i would never be happy. Thats just me. I just wondered about those handful who really arent content and what they think. Just trying to get into the heads of all different types of people. I am fascinated with the psychological workings of the human mind.
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  #54  
Old 10-21-2012, 07:46 PM
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It might be worth noting that some poly configurations have more than one primary relationship. For example, in my own poly family, there are two guys and one gal, and each of the men is a primary partner to the lady. So we don't have any secondary relationships, however, she and the other guy are the legally married couple, so since we are "in the closet," sometimes I have to act like "the friend."

I think usually if someone isn't happy being a secondary, the polycule will be unstable and soon break up or change somehow. I've read of a number of cases where the secondary wasn't happy. Usually it's when they were truly being given the second-class-citizen (or peon) treatment by their companions. That, I think, is why Franklin Veaux composed the Secondary's Bill of Rights, as a way to help protect against that kind of situation. If the secondary person's needs and feelings are heard and attended to, there usually isn't a problem.

I have no direct experience of being a secondary, but sometimes in the past I felt like a secondary, or like a "second-class citizen." Those were the early days, when the V's relationships were still rocky. It smoothed out after awhile.
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  #55  
Old 10-22-2012, 05:17 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Im glad things worked out for u. I know i sound very selfish and belittling to some of u. And for that im sorry. I am trying to educate myself on the whole poly thing...and for us mono's its hard. I just consider myself very lucky that his fwb is so understanding. I have come to the realization that yes...there r more feelings there than just friends. And for me...that's extremely scary. One day im fine...next im insecure...and back again. I think a lot of it is becuz i dont get to spend as much time with him as she does...and we dont have much alone time at all.
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  #56  
Old 10-22-2012, 08:35 PM
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Any way to correct that so that you and he are spending more alone time together? Can the time be set aside? Can special arrangements be made? Special date nights or what have you?

I think as long as you guys are sensitive to each other's feelings and needs, and of course, communicative about them, you will do alright.
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  #57  
Old 10-22-2012, 09:58 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Im sure there is. They spend so much time together cuz he helps her with larger things she cant do and ifhe needs help with small things at work he will hire her (painting etc). So thats why they see each other so much. And shes very lonely and dont have many friends so shes ALWAYS over our house. I guess im gonna have to just say that alone time needs to b more of a priority. This is so hard at times!! Lol. I know he wants time together as much as i do...we just always have something going on!
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  #58  
Old 10-23-2012, 04:24 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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So here is an unseen twist to all this. Today my hubby calls me and says he suddenly figured out that he feels like a terrible husband becuz of all of this...and feels very guilty. Now...this has been going on for almost 3 months. I reassured him that he is not. If he were being sneaky or lying then yes...he would b. But we are all consenting and all know wut is happening. Is there anything else i can do to reassure him that i dont love him any less and dont think hes a bad husband?
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  #59  
Old 10-23-2012, 04:57 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nurseypoo1 View Post
So here is an unseen twist to all this. Today my hubby calls me and says he suddenly figured out that he feels like a terrible husband becuz of all of this...and feels very guilty. Now...this has been going on for almost 3 months. I reassured him that he is not. If he were being sneaky or lying then yes...he would b. But we are all consenting and all know wut is happening. Is there anything else i can do to reassure him that i dont love him any less and dont think hes a bad husband?


Give him oral sex without being asked for it?

Buy him a hallmark card?
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  #60  
Old 10-23-2012, 05:22 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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I do that stuff anyways. But thanx. Lol

Last edited by nurseypoo1; 10-23-2012 at 05:27 PM.
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