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  #11  
Old 10-20-2012, 08:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy
I re-read the OP and i think what she's saying is that her partner didn't tell HER the whole truth ABOUT telling the girlfriend.
That's what I got out of it. If it were me and DH and his Spice...

I mean, why would DH bother telling Spice about agreements we have except when they bump on a limit? Then all DH has to do is say "Sorry, I cannot do that. I have agreements to meet with my other partner."

To go on to tell the Spice stuff that is between me and DH? And then only PARTIAL stuff at that -- what's the point in telling half truths? What kind of business is that?

Then to come home and tell me that he told his Spice half truths -- I have to sit here and wonder what ELSE you are telling or not telling? To me or to her? What kind of reaction are you trying to get out of me?

So odd.

Like sloppy hinge person or something?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-20-2012 at 08:37 PM.
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  #12  
Old 10-20-2012, 08:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Good stuff BG. I find that most of these rules discussions go at it entirely the wrong way. The focus is about all of the different rules (seemingly inexhaustible litany of rules) and how hurtful people are when the rules are not followed. There seems to be very little concern put into discussing (honestly discussing) why these rules should even be considered.


I want to express my regret that i think i misunderstood the OP's question, as described in an earlier post. I am afraid that some of my responses, while possibly "good stuff", may not in fact be relevant to the OP's question and story.
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  #13  
Old 10-20-2012, 08:45 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
That's what I got out of it. If it were me and DH and his Spice...

I mean, why would DH bother telling Spice about agreements we have except when they bump on a limit? Then all DH has to do is say "Sorry, I cannot do that. I have agreements to meet with my other partner."

To go on to tell the Spice stuff that is between me and DH? And then only PARTIAL stuff at that -- what's the point in telling half truths? What kind of business is that?

Then to come home and tell me that he told his Spice half truths -- I have to sit here and wonder what ELSE you are telling or not telling? To me or to her? What kind of reaction are you trying to get out of me?

So odd.

Like sloppy hinge person or something?

GG
Yeah. I made quite a few assumptions when i responded initially that turned out to be based on my own misunderstanding of the OP. at first it seemed like she was being the "harpy wife" but instead it seems like he's being, what was it? The "rusty hinge"?
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  #14  
Old 10-20-2012, 08:50 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I want to express my regret that i think i misunderstood the OP's question, as described in an earlier post. I am afraid that some of my responses, while possibly "good stuff", may not in fact be relevant to the OP's question and story.
Fair enough, though the discussion seems about the same to me anyway.
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  #15  
Old 10-20-2012, 10:03 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Honesty-CRITICAL point to me-bit drama in my life over "lies of omission" and "sugar-coating" the truth (as Maca put it).
It's a hard lesson for many people, as our society promotes so much lying (to ourselves and to others) and people really have to be motivated to do a lot of slowing down-so they can pay attention to what is going on in their mind FULLY before they open their mouth.
What you describe-is TO ME lying TO YOU by omission.

It was also lying to her by omission-BUT I don't think he needs to tell her what the agreement is-
he needs to claim his choices
EVEN IF HE WAS HESITANT TO AGREE,
if he has agreed-it is now HIS CHOICE to limit his availability.

(as for WHY you two have that agreement-I'm not going to get into it)

I won't re-iterate what I detailed in the links that BG already posted.

But-I will say, that agreements between any two partners, aren't the business of additional partners.

Let me give a small example that combined with what I wrote regarding rules in the other thread may help.

I have two partners. Maca and GG.

Maca and I have a fairly extensive written agreement (feel free to read it on my personal blog, boundaries page).
GG and I do not have a written agreement.

However, GG and I do have a verbal agreement that includes the detail that I will have no other male lovers (besides himself and Maca).

THIS IS NOT part of my agreement with Maca.
I have NOT shared this verbal agreement info with Maca because IT DOES NOT AFFECT HIM IN ANY WAY and therefore is completely not pertinent to him.

I have been approached by other men who are interested in dating me.
I do not tell them about this agreement either.
I tell them the truth AS IT PERTAINS TO THEM

"I'm not open to having another partner at this time."

This is the absolute truth because EVEN THOUGH I don't have an agreement with EITHER Maca or GG that I can't date a woman, I have an agreement WITH MYSELF that I won't consider having a third partner until after I get my Bachelors degree.

Therefore, saying that I am not open to having another partner is the truth and it is the whole truth.
IF someone asked me about my reasons, I would elaborate upon the fact that I am in school and unable to give the amount of time and attention I PERSONALLY deem appropriate to another relationship.

At no point does it matter that GG would prefer I not date another man. BECAUSE GG's preference does not dictate my decisions. When I agreed to his request, it became MY choice and MY decision.

I find it VERY VERY VERY VERY (keep repeating that a few dozen times) to tell another person that you can (or can't) do x,y,z "because" of your partner. That is shrugging off the personal responsibility for your choices.

A sentence example (or two):

"Safer sex is very important to me and therefore I choose not to participate in any sex acts before having STI testing done for myself and the other party."-self responsibility shown

"We have an agreement that none of us will have sex with another person before everyone has STI testing done."-shrugging off personal responsibility

OR

"I make time with my current partners a high priority, so in considering new partners, I am looking for someone who is willing to socialize as a group with my current partners in order to allow more time for me to spend with each partner overall."-self responsibility shown

"My husband and I have agreed that if we start a new relationship that person can only have one overnight a week and two alone dates with us, but they are welcome to come hang out with the family as often as they want."-shrugging off personal responsibility

ANYTIME you shrug off personal responsibility, you are effectively setting it up for your partners to build resentments with one another over the appearance that one (or the other) is controlling the others relationship with you. UNCOOL.
We are adults and we have freedom of choice. IF YOU AGREE to some limitation-it is NOW YOUR preference and should be stated as such.
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  #16  
Old 10-20-2012, 10:09 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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One more thought,

At the point where you make an agreement to a request by your partner:
it becomes YOUR choice.

Therefore, if you state it to someone else (like another partner) as being a limitation that your partner has made-

you are LYING.

Your partner can't force you to agree to their requests. EVEN IF YOU AGREE UNHAPPILY-you have agreed and now it is YOUR limitation to claim ownership over.
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  #17  
Old 10-20-2012, 10:56 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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LR - it's hard to snip off the part that i would quote from the iPod - but "my husband and i agreed" is not shrugging off personal responsibility. "My husband WON'T LET ME" is shrugging off personal responsibility.
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  #18  
Old 10-21-2012, 12:46 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Bows to BG.
Yes, you are correct. Hopefully my point is still understood.

It is a key theme in the drama that has been unfolding in our life.
Personally, I leave my partners part in it out. I just completely claim it as my own decision. Because-it is by the point I would be addressing it to someone else. Unless they were interested in knowing how I got to the decision, nothing else matters. And even if they were interested, I am guarded about giving my lovers 'ammunition' against each other by leaving the suggestion that my partner has control over my relationships. Their needs and desires matter to me, so their input is a BIG consideration in my choices. But, the choices remain mine.

That concept may seem like 'duh' to some people. But, so far the people I have met in rl have major issues with 'his wife wont allow', 'her husband wont let', 'her partner said we cant' etc.
In my opinion every one of those statements is patently false in that they are based upon the assumption that the hinge had no choice.
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  #19  
Old 10-21-2012, 01:30 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I wrote extensively about this in a post on my "Notebook" blog here with regard to a misunderstanding we had about boundaries.

The short version of how I view it:

Quote:
If either MrS or I (or Dude or I, for that matter) requests a “couple” boundary that we each agree to – once it is agreed upon then each member of the couple has the same stake in the boundary regardless of who suggested it. It was a decision that “we” made – neither member of the couple can agree to its negation without consulting with the other.
If a boundary affects another person I don't think it is unreasonable to discuss it with them - they might have a viable alternative that you have not considered - including the rationale behind the boundary so that people don't run into those "letter of vs. spirit of" situations

JaneQ
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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-21-2012 at 01:34 AM.
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  #20  
Old 10-21-2012, 01:45 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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in my situation, i WANT Spouse and Other Partner to spend as much time together as possible, even when I'm home alone while they're together (I'm a bit of a homebody and introvert and enjoy masturbating anyway), as opposed to many of the stories i read on here, w hich involves a domestic partner or spouse trying to restrict the time their spouse spends with other partners. Maybe I'm just a freak; maybe Spouse and I are just good at choosing partners... I think that's just a coincidence though. Who knows? I haven't really sat down and tried to figure it out.
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