Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:20 AM
begonias begonias is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 6
Default

We have always ben open and talk about things but I just don't know if i can trust him knowing all this now. He has desires and has to stop and think " no this is wrong"but wants me to be like no its ok. so he doesn't have to feel guilty. I know its natural to be attracted to other people but you don't have to act on that sexually. I know that this just isn't going to work for me
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:22 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,281
Default Obvio

Quote:
Originally Posted by begonias View Post
i in no way want to be in an open relationship
You have already answered your own question.

Being polyamorous (or open in any way) is not a team endeavor. YOU need to decide how YOU feel. How your partner feels is irrelevant when it comes to deciding what kind of lifestyle you want to live. You are fully functional adults who need to make your own decisions.

Sounds like your decision is pretty obvious. Agree to disagree, part ways as friends, and move on with your lives.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:24 AM
begonias begonias is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Well we have plenty of sex. I thought i was enough for him. Now i don't know.
I wonder if somebody really loved me why would they want me to do something that i am in no way ok with?
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:36 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by begonias View Post
I wonder if somebody really loved me why would they want me to do something that i am in no way ok with?

When I was growing up people used to always tell me to try it, before I said I didn't like it. Then I could what is was that I didn't like. Things often turn out quite differently for us in real life than they do in our head.

You have this idea of what you think your partner desires, but have you really stopped to listen to what he was saying or did you just develop different scenarios in your head and let your imagination run wild.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:42 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

No, the OP's boyfriend TOLD her what he desires. You're the one developing scenarios in your head, running man. This is not about you, it's about the OP. she said she doesn't want this. Did you not read that?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-20-2012, 04:04 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
No, the OP's boyfriend TOLD her what he desires. You're the one developing scenarios in your head, running man. This is not about you, it's about the OP. she said she doesn't want this. Did you not read that?
That's not what I meant. He expressed his desires, but never really got a chance to tell her what that looked like to him. Like his ideal situation. Often times we may be talking about the same thing, but they may look drastically different to each of us.

I'm not developing any scenarios in my head, just asking a question. So relax and go take a chill pill.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 10-20-2012, 04:21 AM
begonias begonias is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Thank you boring man,
I am not developing scenarios only thinking of the ones he gave me which i know i am not ok with. I don't need to try this to see if i might like it because I know I won't. then our relationship is totally fucked cause I'll never be able to look at him the same and be intimate with him. He expressed, I listened. Now I don't know if I can trust that he won't do something and not tell me because I know he so badly wants to.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 10-20-2012, 04:41 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,837
Default

Quote:
Now I don't know if I can trust that he won't do something and not tell me because I know he so badly wants to.
That part makes no sense. He didn't have to ask you. He could have been cheating and not bothered to ask! That's all speaking to fear. Take a deep breath, calm down. Do not jump ahead to "what ifs" and make tempest in your mind. Keep it on the actions done/not done.

What has he done? He has told you he wants to explore polyships with you. You do not want that.

The manner in which he told you -- was it disrespectful? Or merely clumsy? Only you are there to know.
  • Is he not willing to give up other people? You break up. You do not want to be in polyship. You know that for sure.
  • If his manner in bringing all this up is disrespectful and bullying and this is habitual? Break up. Don't even be friends. You do not need a bully for a "friend." Not even if he's willing to give up the polyshipping -- you do not need to be with a bully/abusive person!
  • If clumsy -- alright. It happens. But you are better off as friends if he still wants poly and you do not. You want very different things in a romantic relationship. Dial it down to friends then.
  • Is he willing to give up polyships? NOT being abusive/bully type? And just wants you to share in his poly books and poly thoughts and allow him poly expression?
    • You are not willing? Break up then. It's not fair to keep him from poly expression. A person can start to feel dead that way if their monogamous partner denies them emotional intimacy or only wants to love the "sanitized version" of them. But not ALL of them.
    • Are you willing? Then perhaps you can be together still. He closes down to just you. You open up to just books and listening to his thinks and providing him safe emotional space to share emotional intimacy in.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-20-2012 at 04:44 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 10-20-2012, 05:19 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,281
Default Take Responsibility

Quote:
Originally Posted by begonias View Post
Well we have plenty of sex. I thought i was enough for him. Now i don't know.
There is not necessarily a correlation between the desire for polyamory and something missing in the relationship. The people I am involved with have fully functional, wonderful relationships. They are not open to fill some kind of deficit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by begonias View Post
I wonder if somebody really loved me why would they want me to do something that i am in no way ok with?
I agree, if you love someone you should not want to be party to their living a life they do not want to live. This applies to you as well, why would you want him to live in monogamy if he has made it plain that he has absolutely no interest in living that way.

However, he is not your responsibility, as you are not his. You need to take care of your business. You need to decide what is best for you and then be an adult and do what it takes to achieve it. It is not your boyfriends responsibility to do this for you.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 10-20-2012, 06:21 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
That's not what I meant. He expressed his desires, but never really got a chance to tell her what that looked like to him. Like his ideal situation. Often times we may be talking about the same thing, but they may look drastically different to each of us.
His ideal situation is being able to put his penis in another vagina. He said so literally. She said sincerely that she does not want his penis in her vagina after it's been in another woman's vagina.

We're not talking about string beans. This isn't about learning to eat your vegetables. She's made it more than clear that she's extremely monogamous. She gets nauseous at the idea of him kissing another woman. Why can you not accept that?
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:05 PM.