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  #1  
Old 10-18-2012, 12:14 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default Need Advice On Wifey's Relationship

So….my Wife (yes, Wife now) has had her first girl experience and she loved it!

Short version, it was my birthday and it was the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! We all got drunk and it kinda just happened…

Now, Wifey and (I’ll call her Terry) have talked about starting a relationship…which I think is great! Especially since I suggested it…although we all had a great time, I know that Wifey wants an actual relationship. Since this is her first time being the pursuer, she asked me for my help. Me and Terry have had a good relationship (non-sexual prior to and since my B-Day) so it was an easy conversation that went well. She finds Wifey attractive so she was interested. After the initial talk, I have stayed out of their relationship and have given them time to figure things out…I went as far as to sleep on the couch when Terry stayed over so they could have some time together.

[Side NOTE: I know this may sound sexiest but I really left them alone to get busy…but they didn’t and I was the only one who was disappointed. so, since they had no intimate plans, the next night all three of us were in bed together…no need in my back hurting for nothing]

Anyway, so they have been talking and texting…we had a house warming which she attended and asked how was she supposed to act in front of others…Wifey and I are comfortable with our lives and told her that she needs to act as if they are dating and not to worry about what our friends think…which she did and it was all good.

At this point, everything is going great, in my opinion, we even made plans to all go to New Orleans to celebrate another friends B-Day… The friend who B-Day it was had no idea that Wifey was Bi…so at dinner Wifey sat between Terry and I and showed both of us affection…so now everyone knows the situation and our friends are GREAT; they just asked questions, excepted it, and we moved on! Later that night, on Bourbon Street…this is where I started noticing what I think is a hitch in our ‘Happy Ever After’! Wifey was trying to again split time between Terry and I when I noticed that Terry seemed a tad bit jealous of my time. I told Wifey she should spent more time with Terry and less (to none) with me for the rest of the night. But when she tried, Terry started to pull away…almost like ‘Don’t touch me’ type attitude. Since that night (which was Saturday night) Wifey has tried calling and texting with no response.

Again, this is Wifey’s first experience with being the pursuer so she has no idea how to proceed...now, to me, seems like Terry may have had a change of heart about their ‘relationship’ and I don’t think Wifey see this (or better yet, I don’t think she wants to see it). See Wifey really likes Terry (after all, she was her first) and I don’t want to see her hurt…to this point, I have really stayed out of the whole situation. So, my question is should I continue to stay out of their relationship (which I think I should) or should I talk to Terry (after all, we are good friends) or should I talk to Terry and Wifey together (not my favorite option)?

Thanks in advance for reading and responding…
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  #2  
Old 10-18-2012, 02:22 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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It's impossible to know what happened unless Terry tells your wife.

(I suggest a nickname for your wife too. Lots of folks here have wives and it would make reading your story a bit easier. Plus I get tired of writing 'your wife' and refuse to use 'wifey' as I find it annoying. My own pet peeve and a suggestion, not a demand.)

It could be any number of things - she realized she wants more than your wife can give, she's uncomfortable being openly non-monogamous, she's gone faster than she anticipated, she had indigestion or her feet hurt. Who knows?

It appears that Terry is not sexually involved with you? Have you, your wife, and Terry talked about the nature of the relationships? You are being really accommodating which is awesome and perhaps a little unusual in that you are on board with your wife and Terry having an actual relationship instead of threesomes or a physical sex only affair. Good for you. If I was in Terry's shoes - and this is purely theoretical as the only one who can tell you for sure is Terry - I would be wondering what the status of the relationship is. It may not be clear to her what is going on. Your post reads like things happened fast and that may cause potential confusion or worry.

Anyway, to actuallly answer your question, this is the hard part. You will need to let your wife and Terry handle their business. And you have absolutely no control over if your wife gets her heart broken. None. That is out of your hands. Yes, you can and should be supportive (and it sounds like you are) but nothing you do or don't do can prevent heartbreak.

This is a hard reality of relationships that can be magnified in ethical non-monogamy. We cannot protect our partners from pain, from loss. I happen to be a woman but I also have the stereotypical 'man' attitude of 'Oh no, partner is hurting! MUST FIX NOW!' I've learned that often this is less than helpful, especially in situations where the pain comes from outside situations -like your wife's relationship with Terry. You can't fix it.

As far as immediate practical advice, here is what I would do in your situation. Yes, stay out of it for now. You are going to have to be patient. A meeting between all three may not be a bad idea but it should not be organized by you. That's part of letting them handle their business. As time passes, you may - and I emphasize may - want to send a short note to Terry, saying something like you thought she was really good to your wife, that you are open to talking with her at her convenience and you wish her the best. Something short, to the point and low key.

Good luck and I hope it turns out well!
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  #3  
Old 10-18-2012, 03:18 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
It appears that Terry is not sexually involved with you? Have you, your wife, and Terry talked about the nature of the relationships?



I happen to be a woman but I also have the stereotypical 'man' attitude of 'Oh no, partner is hurting! MUST FIX NOW!' I've learned that often this is less than helpful, especially in situations where the pain comes from outside situations -like your wife's relationship with Terry.
No...except that one time for my Birthday...Yes, we did talk when she ask how it would work, I explained that their relationship between Wifey (hereafter refered to as PK [LOL]) and Terry would be just that...theirs and that it was not expected that I be involved at all...I did mention that if they ever wanted to surprise me with another 'Birthday' adventure, I would not decline the opportunity...LOL

But seriously, we (PK, Terry, & I) did have an extensive discussion..and all was well until that night...even dinner went great, we we started our Bourbon Street adventure it was good...but as the night went on things changed...now sure if it was drinks, that we all were a little tired, or if it was actual jealousy (or if I just made it up in my head)


Nail on the head!!! I do have that 'must fix now' attitude and I already knew I should just stay out and support from afar, but as you know, it's hard watching your love one hurt and just let it happen... thanks for the advise.

Last edited by newguy; 10-18-2012 at 03:21 PM.
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Old 10-19-2012, 03:29 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default Let's have a Drink

Update...PK and Terry ended up at the same bar (unintentionally) and had a drink...that's all I know as of now.

I am curious as to if they had a discussion about their relationship...my fear is that if I ask, PK may think I'm trying to ask to see how can I help...i.e. give advise on how to proceed. But that's not the case, I just want to know if they talked and what was the outcome...if they did.

My question is should I just ask about the conversation or leave it alone? It is her relationship and I don't want to seem pushy, but I am curious.

SIDENOTE: Our initail conversation was brief and interrupted by kiddos...plus it was in the morning when we were both trying to get ready for work. Also, she sometimes think that our conversations are completed...I think this is why we didn't continue the conversation at a later time.
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Old 10-19-2012, 04:24 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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In your shoes, what I would do, is tell her that you know PK and Terry ran into each other recently and if she (PK) wants to talk, you are ready to listen. And then leave the subject alone until/if she starts a conversation about it. Oh, and best to do so in a kiddo/distraction free time, if possible.

But... you know PK best. Think about how she communicates, how she best receives and gives information and go from there.

And I'm glad to have a nickname to use for PK!
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  #6  
Old 10-19-2012, 07:21 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
In your shoes, what I would do, is tell her that you know PK and Terry ran into each other recently and if she (PK) wants to talk, you are ready to listen.
PK was the one that told me that Terry was there...she started telling me but we got interrupted...think I'll try to readdress the issue tonight.

Thansk again for the advice
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  #7  
Old 10-19-2012, 07:28 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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There are a million reasons why Terry could have shut down. It's possible she doesn't even know what happened and why she reacted that way. I don't recommend getting involved, other than supporting your wife and encouraging her to have a talk with Terry. This is new for everyone, and they need to go through things in their own way.

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Originally Posted by newguy View Post
I am curious as to if they had a discussion about their relationship...my fear is that if I ask, PK may think I'm trying to ask to see how can I help...i.e. give advise on how to proceed. But that's not the case, I just want to know if they talked and what was the outcome...if they did.
I've learned that mere curiosity is not a very good reason to go prying into people's business, even when that person is your spouse. It depends on the person, of course. I, myself, don't mind when people are curious about my life and I'm happy to answer questions and educate the curious... Mainly because I'm a curious person, so I understand where they're coming from. But I've had to learn to respect others' privacy and constrain my curiosity to Google.
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:57 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I've learned that mere curiosity is not a very good reason to go prying into people's business, even when that person is your spouse. It depends on the person, of course. I, myself, don't mind when people are curious about my life and I'm happy to answer questions and educate the curious... Mainly because I'm a curious person, so I understand where they're coming from. But I've had to learn to respect others' privacy and constrain my curiosity to Google.

Thanks for responding...PK and I have great communication in our marriage...but at times, when she tells me things (about different subjects), I tried to solve her issues...don't want to come cross that way about this subject.

Also, like you, I'm a very curious person as well as an open book...and she know this so it won't be a shocker that I asked...probably will shock her that I don't give her any suggestions on the matter...at least until she asks
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Old 10-19-2012, 10:12 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
Also, like you, I'm a very curious person as well as an open book...and she know this so it won't be a shocker that I asked...probably will shock her that I don't give her any suggestions on the matter...at least until she asks
Yeah, I should have mentioned that my learned restraint doesn't apply to my husband. If I'm curious about something he does, I ask him about it. He's the same way, so he doesn't mind. I'm sure if your general curiosity bothered her that much, she wouldn't have married you

My gf, on the other hand, has a transsexual husband. She's sick and tired of people asking questions about their sex life, like it's some kind of freak show that exists solely for the entertainment of others. So even though I've always been morbidly curious about what they do in the bedroom, I've forced myself not to even hint at asking. I've also jabbed my husband in the ribs for asking too much, knowing how she feels about those questions. It's a fine line. I suspect she would answer any questions I had, probably wouldn't even be bothered because we have a good relationship and communicate well... but I just wouldn't feel right about asking them.
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  #10  
Old 10-22-2012, 12:14 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I've also jabbed my husband in the ribs for asking too much, knowing how she feels about those questions. It's a fine line. I suspect she would answer any questions I had, probably wouldn't even be bothered because we have a good relationship and communicate well... but I just wouldn't feel right about asking them.
Yeah...I get those jabs from PK from time to time...mostly because I am open and I assume that everyone else is as well...so, when her friends are around I ask a lot of personal questions...some PK thinks are inappropriate...she says that it's none of my business.

Glad to see I'm now the only dude with sore ribs! LOL
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