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  #21  
Old 04-07-2011, 12:56 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
And I do harbor illusions of my natural animal magnetism and otherworldly charm winning over a helpless metamour of whichever gender/orientation and just falling into a cuddly pile with my poly ball. I'd still want to go on one-on-one dates, though.
*sigh* I feel you, sister!
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  #22  
Old 04-07-2011, 12:59 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I am very careful where Pretty Lady is concerned. She has serious trust issues stemming from emotional and sexual abuse by both family members and supposed friends. If our relationship never moves past friendship, I will still feel honored because she's trusted me/ us not to hurt her.
This.

It's been really humbling for me to come to understand the trust that my metamour has put in me... he and his lovely wife (my girlfriend) have opened their marriage up to me. I could wound them very, very badly if I suddenly turned evil and decided I wanted to. I could try to drive them apart. Hell, just by breaking her heart I would make his life much harder. She trusts me, but that's sort of a given in a relationship. The fact that he, too, trusts me enough to let me this close -- it's a big deal.
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  #23  
Old 04-07-2011, 01:04 AM
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This.

It's been really humbling for me to come to understand the trust that my metamour has put in me... he and his lovely wife (my girlfriend) have opened their marriage up to me. I could wound them very, very badly if I suddenly turned evil and decided I wanted to. I could try to drive them apart. Hell, just by breaking her heart I would make his life much harder. She trusts me, but that's sort of a given in a relationship. The fact that he, too, trusts me enough to let me this close -- it's a big deal.
It happens sometimes, it happened to us, but the rewards are worth it BY FAR.
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  #24  
Old 10-18-2012, 05:40 PM
BraverySeeker BraverySeeker is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
It's been really humbling for me to come to understand the trust that my metamour has put in me... he and his lovely wife (my girlfriend) have opened their marriage up to me. I could wound them very, very badly if I suddenly turned evil and decided I wanted to. I could try to drive them apart. Hell, just by breaking her heart I would make his life much harder. She trusts me, but that's sort of a given in a relationship. The fact that he, too, trusts me enough to let me this close -- it's a big deal.
This is eye opening. It flips the script on what I fear I could feel for my wife's GF. I'm amazed and humbled by how she has inspired my wife to open up her heart to someone other than me. To me, that's an inherently attractive power.

But AnnabelMore reminds me that the GF in turn must honor how I, too, have opened my heart to accept her with my wife. That willingness may, I don't know, be attractive to her. But for her to pursue something with me would almost surely hurt my wife and put our marriage at risk, I see that.

So while we may have stumbled into what apparently is an idealized poly arrangement, it would seem to me that the best way to preserve it as an ideal is to keep it a V and not seek a triad.

My wife's happiness is what's most important to me. She seems to love me more than ever, largely because I'm not barricading her heart. I've got no complaints, thank you very much, as the mono one in this affair.

What we have embarked upon is complicated enough. Why oh why would we want to fuck it up?
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  #25  
Old 10-18-2012, 09:00 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
So while we may have stumbled into what apparently is an idealized poly arrangement, it would seem to me that the best way to preserve it as an ideal is to keep it a V and not seek a triad.
I don't know that there is an "ideal" poly arrangement. I think that's sort of the point. I'm in an arrangement that's good (not yet ideal) for me and my partners, but my arrangement would NOT work at all for at least a few people on this forum that I know of.

I think, perhaps, in all the excitement and energy (not all of it positive) of your wife's GF leaving her husband, you may be trying to rush to what you see as the "goal" or the "good time"- she and your wife getting to be in a stable, healthy relationship. Which is understandable, but please, try to slow down and be cautious. There isn't an "ideal". A triad isn't even really something to "seek". Things happen. Be open and honest with everyone, but respect your wife's likely desire to have her gf to herself for a bit, to grow and deepen their relationship (which it seems you are willing to do). After some time, who knows? Maybe feelings will grow between you and the girlfriend that your wife will need to deal with. Maybe not, and that's okay too. The key is to remember that you're not aiming for some finish line. There is no "This is how we are and this is the way we're staying". Live life and watch things change. Trite but true: change is the only constant.
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Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 10-18-2012 at 09:02 PM.
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  #26  
Old 10-18-2012, 09:06 PM
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TGIG said it perfectly. No expectations, no end goals, no ideal structures, just living and loving day by day, adjusting to the needs of all involved as they reveal themselves.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
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  #27  
Old 10-18-2012, 09:09 PM
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That said, maybe try to keep some emotional distance at first, to keep from complicating things in these early stages if possible.

*sigh* And aside from the complication, it's worth noting that unrequited love for a metamour really sucks... in that it's extra difficult to get over because it's not like you can just entirely cut that person out from your life without putting them and your other partner in to a very unfair position. Not saying you shouldn't go for it down the line is all involved are amenable... just be careful!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 10-18-2012 at 09:17 PM.
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  #28  
Old 10-18-2012, 10:02 PM
BraverySeeker BraverySeeker is offline
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TGIG and Annabelmore, I think you both misunderstood me. But maybe I was unclear. I certainly didn't mince words when I wrote earlier today on the other thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=29631&page=4) that I am NOT interested in a triad:

"That's off the table ... out of respect for my wife and HER relationship with HER GF. I have no interest in inserting myself more intimately and thereby torpedoing what they have. I suspect that would put at risk my wife's trust in and love for me quicker than anything. I'm not some horndog 'playing his cards right' in hopes of a steamy threesome. Fuck no. I just hope, if asked by a crafty therapist if I have designs on my wife's GF, that I can adequately allay any fears my wife has that I am that horndog cliche."

I agree there is probably no "ideal" poly relationship, but the one we're developing with my wife as the hinge show's promise as is.

Last edited by BraverySeeker; 10-18-2012 at 10:08 PM.
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  #29  
Old 10-18-2012, 10:15 PM
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Well, you said you feared you might develop feelings for your wife's gf and thought that she might end up finding you attractive in turn... did I misinterpret that? I didn't think you were trying to say that a triad is ideal or that you were seeking one, by any means. But I also dont think it's something to be avoided like the plague. Everything takes its own shape, is what I'm saying, and either banking on... *or forbidding*... any particular configuration in advance can lead to trouble.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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