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  #11  
Old 10-15-2012, 01:05 PM
Sinensis Sinensis is offline
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Hahahahahaha! I giggled a few times when reading that, Phy, especially the bit about you being the alpha. ^.^ Well, and dealing with your spleen, since spleen for me is just an internal organ, like a liver or a kidney--I know it means anger or bad moods or something like that for other cultures, though.

And thanks, that was fun to read.

I actually wasn't sad at all last night. Well, a little bored, maybe, but not thinking of her and her lover, and not feeling especially lonely.

Oddly enough, today I'm feeling a little cranky, and today's the day he's leaving; she's staying there for a few more days for the conference by herself. I started thinking about something that he said when he and I were emailing before the trip to help me be more comfortable and get on the same page. (The emails were for that purpose, not this next thing.) He was describing how he wanted to be involved in her life, underlining that he didn't want to/wouldn't take her away from me, and mentioned in passing "and maybe some lewd conversations or chats from time to time."

I know it's odd that them actually having sex isn't currently bothering me while the idea of the sexy chats is, and I know that that would be a logical extension of sometimes meeting up for sex, but there you go. I think it has to do with knowing what's going on. When she makes arrangements to go have sexy times with someone, I know it's going to happen, she checks in with me first to make sure it's okay, and I can't be constantly wondering "is it happening RIGHT NOW??"

Maybe this is another situation where the fear is worse than the thing itself, but that's the other tricky bit--since I generally won't know when it's happening, I can't test that out.

I mentioned the comment and that it had bothered me before she left, and she said that hadn't been very tactful of him, but there were more pressing issues at hand and we never got around to more conversation on it. When she gets back I'll bring it up. This might be one of the lines I draw for my own comfort, if she's okay with not having those (currently theoretical) chats. If she'd still like for them to happen, maybe I can ask for them to be planned, too, so I can know when they're happening.

Either way, it's not a huge emotional breakdown or anything, just a niggling little hotspot in my chest.
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  #12  
Old 10-15-2012, 05:50 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Originally Posted by Sinensis View Post
Hahahahahaha! I giggled a few times when reading that, Phy, especially the bit about you being the alpha. ^.^ Well, and dealing with your spleen, since spleen for me is just an internal organ, like a liver or a kidney--I know it means anger or bad moods or something like that for other cultures, though.
No, it's more like strange whims, sometimes moodswings and peculiar ideas and such. You will never be bored with me by your side Great that it is an amusive read.


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Either way, it's not a huge emotional breakdown or anything, just a niggling little hotspot in my chest.
Good that you are able to pinpoint so precisely what is bugging you and maybe even why you feel that way. Stay open and talk about possible solutions, sounds like you are attentive enough to notice what is causing you some unrest but at the same time relaxed enough to not flip when encountering some problems
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  #13  
Old 10-18-2012, 02:48 PM
Sinensis Sinensis is offline
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Well, first off, we talked about the chatting thing, and that's not even something they had discussed doing prior to him telling me about it. She's not terribly attached to the idea, so we agreed that was off the table, no biggie.

What's been interesting is my emotional reactions after he left and now that she's back. When I picked her up from the airport at first, while I was happy to see her, I also had this hard to pin down sadness and ache in my chest. For a passing moment, maybe the first half hour when she was back, I felt oddly distant, like I wasn't entirely sure it was her, or like I couldn't remember what our normal, easy bond felt like. I told her what I was feeling, and we talked and cuddled and the feeling passed, and we wound up having really awesome, wonderful, mind and heart melting sex, actually.

I feel fine now. But that was bizarre and frightening; it felt like a temporary kind of madness, like being suddenly plunged into and then out of some weird alternate reality. I think there are many factors that might be playing into this.

For one thing, I prepared heavily for the time when they'd actually be together, bracing myself emotionally and making sure to surround myself with friends and activities, but I really didn't give any thought to my aftercare. I just assumed if I got through the part of them actually having sex, I'd be fine. I'm not exactly sure how I could've prepared for this, but I know I didn't. In fact, a bit the opposite; I assumed I'd be elated when he left, so if anything I was emotionally "preparing" for the reverse. If I'm going to keep stretching that tree analogy, it's like I took off running when I hit the ground and then tripped over a root. :P

For another thing, I've been in the middle of some rapid med switches at the hands of a less than ideal psychiatrist--assigned by the university clinic--who I'm now finally leaving. (Background for that: the stress of my workload threw me into a form of minor depression at the beginning of this term. I was put on one med, which worked well but made me a bit anxious, and my shrink insisted we try another one (against my better judgement), and put me on a different med after just a few weeks, one that made me happy but completely erased my attention span and made it impossible for me to orgasm. I'm just now getting back onto the first med; started yesterday, actually.) It's quite possible that that's doing wonky things to my mood and how I process stuff, although that in itself frightens me a little. It makes me doubt my own accomplishment in getting this far in terms of our openness--was I really being strong and emotionally mature when she was away, or was that the drugs?

Then I remind myself to stop discrediting myself AGAIN (I should really get that tattooed somewhere on me), and also that the idea of a "happily poly" pill is pretty ridiculous, and I should probably assume that most if not all of the progress I've made is my own doing.

All that said, has anyone experienced or known someone else who experienced something like this? Even just in terms of being fine when they're actually together and then being sad for a bit after, or when they get back.

Last edited by Sinensis; 10-18-2012 at 02:51 PM.
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  #14  
Old 11-16-2012, 02:14 PM
Sinensis Sinensis is offline
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Default Just some frustration

Sigh. A quick little grumble on my part. Not about my relationship with my girlfriend--that's still going fine. About my attempts to find an outside partner.

I'd finally found someone I experienced a mutual attraction with when I went to a festival in October, in a town about three/four hours away (where I used to live). Nothing happened then, but we'd talked about getting together again, and now I've been making plans to visit that town, both to see people I haven't seen in ages and go dancing and hiking and to meet up with this girl.

The girl, in turn, has a not-quite-relationship with a traveling musician. They're free to do whatever they like when they're not together, but when they happen to be in the same place they're exclusive. Turns out this girl will be in town then, too.

I've been looking for an outside partner for eight months. I've lost track of how many dates I've been on. The people I've encountered here, aside from my girlfriend, I just haven't felt attracted to--and now of course there's this. I don't know what's going on. Is it this town? Is it me? I wouldn't have thought finding someone to have sex with me would be so hard. :/ At any rate, it's annoying, and it's kind of grinding at my self-esteem.
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  #15  
Old 11-17-2012, 01:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I wouldn't have thought finding someone to have sex with me would be so hard. :/ At any rate, it's annoying, and it's kind of grinding at my self-esteem.
Is that a joke or is that what you really want & the vibe you project - that you just want someone to have sex with? If so, that might be why you've not been so lucky. Maybe you keep meeting women who want actual relationships and not NSA sex.

However, gotta say this - eight months isn't terribly long. So, relax and don't pressure yourself to find someone just because your gf has someone else - it isn't a race. I think it's great to just date as much as possible without making the dates auditions for an ongoing thing. Date people you wouldn't even think are your type, and date just to enjoy someone's company, without any ulterior motive. In other words, let your goal be just to have fun on dates and meeting new people and that's it. If you do that, then you won't feel disappointed if it doesn't turn into having more dates with someone, and if it does lead to more it will be icing on the cake.
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  #16  
Old 11-17-2012, 02:32 AM
Sinensis Sinensis is offline
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It was, in fact, primarily a joke, but let me clarify a few more things while I'm at it.

-What I'm looking for is certainly more than NSA sex, but we couldn't be called full-blown polyamory. Neither of us is capable of having sex without some kind of emotional attachment, so romantic feelings with outside partners are expected, but "in love" love is just within the relationship, and we are each other's only primary partners.

-The issue hasn't been people not being interested in me--it's been the other way around. I just haven't felt a connection on anything other than a cerebral, conversational level. So even if there were "vibes," they evidently don't put people off.

That second point is what's been making this harder. I don't LIKE turning people down. I mean, it's something I have to do, but telling someone I'm not interested in them that way always feels hurtful. A few have turned into some fun friendships, but others have decided to step back when it became clear it wasn't turning into anything else. And that's fine, of course--but I barely have time for my current friends as is. It's hard to let go and just enjoy the company when some part of my brain is fretting over other things I should be doing if it turns out to be a dead end. :/

I've dated many people I didn't think were my type. So far they remain not my type. What was especially baffling was that when I went and visited this town, I suddenly felt very attracted to multiple people, something I haven't experienced where I'm currently living (thanks to grad school) at all. Hmmm.
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