Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #121  
Old 10-17-2012, 04:42 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,284
Default

Also, my room is my safe-place. With anxiety and severe depression issues, there are times I need my privacy NOW. So, its critical to me that my room be always free and available to me with nothing in it to trigger anxiety or stress. Its my temple of peace.
So, no one in it without my explicit invite.

Maca chooses to share my room (there is space for him to have his own). That means OUR room is off limits. That has t'd off a woman or two. They assume I am taking away something from them by not allowingfor him to have them in here. But-make no mistake, it is MY room. He can set up the other room to his delivht for use with whomever he wishes.
No drama, no bs, no lovers in mine.

Likewise with my bathroom.
GG feels the same regarding his room.

Shrug. Its not something we go tossing out at everyone who enters-but if it comes up, they find doors locked and wonder why, we are straight up that these rooms are off limits. Even the kids know that.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #122  
Old 10-17-2012, 05:06 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default Specifics

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Marcus-that is how I am with those who don't live with me. It has worked VERY well for me in that venue.

However, I am quite the demanding lerson in regards to my children. That has the effect of exerting a great deal of control over my home.
Your specifics make sense, I am an introvert and have space issues which would need to be worked out with any roommate. However, these rules would also need to be worked out with a roommate of any classification.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #123  
Old 10-17-2012, 05:59 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,284
Default

OH Yes!! These ramifications definitely have to be worked out with any live-in. Kids, grandkids, roommates, friends, lovers. Doesn't matter.

But- i have noticed that sometimes non-live in metamours fail to consider that just as they have detail specs for their home, we have them for ours And no ONE of us can change them.
Of course these ate in our home things. So my towels are mine doesnt translate to Maca cant go to their place to shower and use their towels. Lol. Why do i care? Its about my safety in my sanctuary. Not about him and what he does with his time outside of that sanctuary.
*yes we each call it our own sanctuary and we uphold the rules and agreements that make it a sanctuary for each of us. But I am speaking only for myself.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #124  
Old 10-17-2012, 06:10 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Why do i care? Its about my safety in my sanctuary. Not about him and what he does with his time outside of that sanctuary.
*yes we each call it our own sanctuary and we uphold the rules and agreements that make it a sanctuary for each of us. But I am speaking only for myself.
I can't imagine how that would work, but I'm glad to hear that at least your rules apply only to your home (sanctuary) and not to how your "lovers" behave in other peoples homes.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #125  
Old 10-18-2012, 02:53 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,284
Default

LOTS of imagination Marcus!
It helps that we have a large room, so we all have our own personal space-including the kids.
Even with the kids-bedrooms are personal space and everyone else knocks before entering. The kids aren't required to allow guests in their rooms either.

So-it works less awkwardly than it sounds-we just don't take guests into bedrooms that belong to someone else. The only 'complication' is that Maca and I choose to make one room 'ours' in use, so noone else is allowed in. But-he has another room to use as personal space if he has a guest and of course, if I want to be with my bf, I just go to his room.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #126  
Old 10-18-2012, 09:04 PM
gomugirl1656's Avatar
gomugirl1656 gomugirl1656 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 78
Default guidelines

For us there are very few deal breakers.
Breaking the safe, sane and consensual code.

-unprotected sex (having fluid exchange with untested or known promiscuous persons who are not willing or able to produce clean test results)

- sex with someone who is compromised emotionally or can not consent especially kids, animals, dead people, mentally compromised or vegetative or coma state people (the deal breaker)

-intentional omission or fabrication of pertinent information.

-cheating on someone even if I know or the guys know the other spouse must also know and consent

-addicts and anyone who does hard drugs, (coke, crack, heroine, lsd, x, meth, or anything built in a lab, chronic irresponsible use of weed, alcohol, or shrooms). Moderate Responsible use of weed, alcohol or shrooms are ok.

-non consensual violence or abusiveness
__________________
http://polyinthepond.blogspot.com/

Self honesty, communication, respect trifecta of a good start.
Reply With Quote
  #127  
Old 12-05-2012, 08:01 PM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 13
Default How do we make rules?

I've been trying to read up on making rules, but have had a complete blank in where to begin.

I'm looking to write rules (with my husband) for ourselves as a couple as well as rules regarding a secondary partner if/when both or one of us has one or more.

Can anyone just let me know what kinds if rules you have and how they've worked for you?

Thanks!
Reply With Quote
  #128  
Old 12-05-2012, 11:13 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

If you click on the tag "rules" at the very bottom of this post, you will get a whole bunch of threads.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/tags.php?tag=rules

(People who don't like the way I answered this can kiss my hand.)
Reply With Quote
  #129  
Old 12-05-2012, 11:51 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

For my husband and I, the rules have grown with our relationships

At the beginning, our rules were:
-One night stands only
-Person must respect that we are married
-No overnights
-Kiss and Tell

After 5 years, our relationship has matured and so has our rules:
-person must respect that we are married
-no more than three nights a week with another partner (This one may change)
-communicate during long dates
- no kiss and tell
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #130  
Old 12-06-2012, 12:03 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,284
Default

The book Opening Up has a great outline for that... I think in chapter 3.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, dating, jealousy, managing relationships, primary, rules, rules vs boundaries, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:21 AM.