What are your poly relationship rules?

[BoringGuy]

ooh ooh, i thought of another one!

When I was seeing someone else (still am) and Spouse did not yet have an OSO, I made a personal rule that I would not make plans with my OSO on weekends when Spouse was not scheduled to work. I discarded that when Spouse acquired an additional relationship. I never even told Spouse that I had made that rule and discarded it until it transpired as relevant in a conversation.

[JaneQSmythe]

Our "rules" have flexed and loosened over time - aside from the basic tenets of honesty and openness (which I think are crucial to any relationship) our only real rule is "Condoms with anyone other than the three of us."

As a result of some misunderstandings we have a couple of "mock rules" (more like "reasonable requests") - MrS requested "Don't have sex in the bed while I am sleeping in it." and I requested "Don't chase me out of bed to have sex with your ex-girlfriend because you thought I wanted a threesome that you never asked me about." MrS also jokingly requested "Don't have anal sex with Dude if you won't have anal sex with me" (which doesn't actually come into play because anal sex is a complete no-go on my end ).

Initially, MrS requested to be informed that there was going to be sex happening if there was a chance he could unexpectedly walk into it (we all live in a really small house) because he wanted to be braced for it (or choose to avoid that area). After a few months this was lifted as it no longer bothered him .

I do think that it is important to actually spell out what people mean by certain boundaries they have - because sometimes they are not clear about what would bother them, even to themselves. For years I thought that MrS and I were on the same page - we had had many conversations after all. Then when I started misbehaving with Dude it became clear that it was not at all clear where MrS's boundaries were - and because he couldn't articulate them and I was blinded by NRE I managed to convince myself, temporarily, that I was following "the rules". Painful details in my "Journey" blog here - the /Jackassery/ section...

I also wrote a lengthy post about a misunderstanding about boundaries in my "Notebook" blog. To quote myself from that post:

Some things I see as “couple” decisions – things that are decided within the multiple dyads that our V consists of. MrS and I get to decide what is ok within the confines of our relationship. Dude and I get to decide what is ok within the confines of our relationship. Actually, MrS and Dude get to decide what is ok with the confines their relationship as well – as best friends and metamours. Additionally we three together get to decide what is ok within the confines of our Vee - things that we all have agreed to or feel as axiomatic – for instance, keeping all members of the Vee “in the loop” if one of us is developing a romantic/sexual relationship outside of the Vee ...OR condoms with anyone other than the three of us (safer sex/contraception agreement). Underlying all of this – each of us individually gets to decide what is ok for each of us individually. So for a given decision we have to pass through the “filters” of – is it ok for me personally?, is it ok for the relevant dyads?, and is it ok for the Vee as a whole?

JaneQ

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

Actually, I just thought of a rule that my domestic partner has with their other SO. That rule is - the topic of myself and Spouse breaking up is not up for discussion. ... OSO is "not allowed" to badger or suggest to Spouse that Spouse and I ought to break up.

However, this is not something I required or asked Spouse to do. It is something Spouse did of their own accord because that's how it is.

I would put that under my "personal boundary" category. Dude would occasionally make teasing comments about having me to himself. I asked him not to do that because it made me uncomfortable - and he stopped. (MrS never expressed any discomfort at this teasing - he knows I am not going anywhere.)

The boys have both expressed that they have no privacy requests/expectations when I am talking to the other. That being said, I, personally, don't tend to share intimate details of conversations/disagreements/sex unless asked (said asking has only ever happened in the context of helping me process something that was bothering me, or helping iron out wrinkles in our dynamic - never out of prurient curiosity) - on the other hand, I don't care if they share such details with each other (I talk to my best friend about details of my life, why shouldn't they?)

JaneQ

[JaneQSmythe]

Nothing to do with poly but it occurs to me that there are also de facto "rules" about other stuff in relationships besides sex/attachment. I think that things run smoother if these are actively discussed and agreed upon as well.

For instance, I am in charge of our finances, so they consult me before making major purchases to make sure the budget can stretch to accommodate them. (Unless they are paying for them out of their "play money" portion of the monthly budget - MrS handles that).

There are also agreements as to who is "responsible for" making certain that certain things are taken care of (cars, pets, home maintenance, etc.), and other household "division of labor" crap.

I am an introvert and don't tolerate "other people" (i.e. anyone but the three of us) in my home very well, the boys are generally very good about respecting this but do occasionally invite friends over. The, fairly recently negotiated, understanding is that if they invite people over then they are responsible for playing "host" - I will, of course, be civil to their friends but can remove myself from their presence if I need to (by "taking a nap" or "reading in bed"). If this became a regular occurrence we would probably need to negotiate a "frequency" clause about how often they could bring people over. I can suck it up for a day or two here and there but having my routine upset on a regular basis would be dangerous to my mental health!

Jane("OCD-much?"Q

[Marcus]

My rules with my lovers are about disease safety. We discuss this openly and clearly.

If I need to set up rules about being honest, decent, and non-destructive then I have clearly not put enough time into this person.

My hope is to get to know someone well enough to realize that they have an appropriate world view and general code of behavior to me before I welcome too deeply into my life. If I find myself coming up with rules to apply to someone, that means I don't know them well enough and don't trust them, or that I *do* know them and distrust them (which is not something I have the energy to do).

My lovely Isa has the enviable ability to take from people what they want to give; what they naturally provide to a relationship without provocation. This is all she requires, that a lover and/or friend be themselves... she will take the positive and leave the negative. When she decides that someone has an overwhelming degree of positive traits ("cool enough") she then welcomes them into her life. If they become a drain and prove that their mental, sexual, and/or emotional method of relating are antithetical then she cuts them loose.

Personally I love this kind of relating to people and I am trying to incorporate it into my own outlook. If we only take from people what they are willing to give then what is the need for rules? What is the purpose of putting restrictions on someone if we already know their form of behavior?

[LovingRadiance]

Marcus-that is how I am with those who don't live with me. It has worked VERY well for me in that venue.

However, I am quite the demanding lerson in regards to my children. That has the effect of exerting a great deal of control over my home.
For most people this has seemed an obvious and expected fact. But, since entering into a poly dynamic, there have been a few who felt that because Maca ang GG live here then my rules shouldn't be 'the bottom line'. That has backfired nastily in terms of their welcome in my home.
As far as I am concerned, its my castle and they are both welcome to live elsewhere. But, until the children are all grown, this is my domain to run as I se fit.
Ironically-that hasn't been an issue with ANYONE who has lived here as my rules are very basic. But, a few potential partners of Macas wanted their desires for rrules here to be foremost to him (they have their own homes) and found that themselves quite offended that there was no option for that.

Jane-I agree. The rules regarding sex, outside of safety, aren't hardly significant to me compared to finances (which I manage), household chores, kid responsibilities. But those I classify as agreements more than rules. However, when a new comer gets snippy-we have all been known to say 'sorry-against our rules' and continue on.

[LovingRadiance]

Also, my room is my safe-place. With anxiety and severe depression issues, there are times I need my privacy NOW. So, its critical to me that my room be always free and available to me with nothing in it to trigger anxiety or stress. Its my temple of peace.
So, no one in it without my explicit invite.

Maca chooses to share my room (there is space for him to have his own). That means OUR room is off limits. That has t'd off a woman or two. They assume I am taking away something from them by not allowingfor him to have them in here. But-make no mistake, it is MY room. He can set up the other room to his delivht for use with whomever he wishes.
No drama, no bs, no lovers in mine.

Likewise with my bathroom.
GG feels the same regarding his room.

Shrug. Its not something we go tossing out at everyone who enters-but if it comes up, they find doors locked and wonder why, we are straight up that these rooms are off limits. Even the kids know that.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Marcus-that is how I am with those who don't live with me. It has worked VERY well for me in that venue.

However, I am quite the demanding lerson in regards to my children. That has the effect of exerting a great deal of control over my home.

Your specifics make sense, I am an introvert and have space issues which would need to be worked out with any roommate. However, these rules would also need to be worked out with a roommate of any classification.

[LovingRadiance]

OH Yes!! These ramifications definitely have to be worked out with any live-in. Kids, grandkids, roommates, friends, lovers. Doesn't matter.

But- i have noticed that sometimes non-live in metamours fail to consider that just as they have detail specs for their home, we have them for ours And no ONE of us can change them.
Of course these ate in our home things. So my towels are mine doesnt translate to Maca cant go to their place to shower and use their towels. Lol. Why do i care? Its about my safety in my sanctuary. Not about him and what he does with his time outside of that sanctuary.
*yes we each call it our own sanctuary and we uphold the rules and agreements that make it a sanctuary for each of us. But I am speaking only for myself.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Why do i care? Its about my safety in my sanctuary. Not about him and what he does with his time outside of that sanctuary.
*yes we each call it our own sanctuary and we uphold the rules and agreements that make it a sanctuary for each of us. But I am speaking only for myself.

I can't imagine how that would work, but I'm glad to hear that at least your rules apply only to your home (sanctuary) and not to how your "lovers" behave in other peoples homes.