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Old 10-16-2012, 04:42 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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One of the first (and hardest) lessons I had to learn about this way of life was "mono and poly do not mix."

Someone who is poly will rarely be happy in a monogamous relationship and someone who is monogamous will rarely be happy in a poly relationship. Absolutely not impossible, but unlikely.
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Old 10-16-2012, 04:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? Is this just immediately a "hard stop" in your interest in them or do you try to educate them/get them to come around.
They have expressed a hard limit. I want to show respect for them so I leave it alone. I say "Bummer. Well, know I think you awesome. I will respect that you do not want to have a romantic relationship with me. Is general friendship off the table as well?"

And then if they are willing to be my friend I keep it in the friend zone. If not, I let it go. Foisting "education" that they do not want on them? That is not kindness or respect.

My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.
He shows respect to her limit. He deals with his disappointment on his own. It will pass. Occupy self with his usualy habits/ hobbies/ interests.

I definitely don't feel it's at all poly to "give up" one relationship for another. How do you find the balance?
I do not date people who have different expectations or wants from a relationship than me. I state what I want and am looking for clearly. I state my needs and limits clearly. Then we check each other's dance cards to see if we line up or not.

If so, yay. Deepen romance.

If not, bummer. Be friends. Yayness that way instead.

If not, part ways amicable. Yayness that way instead.

Any way it plays -- yays for me!

If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navigating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you?
1 husband. Closed polyship of 2. Monogamous for yyyyears.
Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?
Yup. I was the hinge in MFM "V" -- and BF1? He's today's DH. I'd say it's successful so far if we keep on choosing each other all this time.

BF2 -- we parted ways amicably after enjoying a time together. It was good. So I'd call that a success too. The day I married -- he could not come. He threw us a party where he was living at and served wedding cake amongst his friends. His wedding present to us was a photo album of the "concurrent satellite party" in our honor sharing in our joy.

A large part of why I was successful? Even though at the time I did not have words like "polyamory" or "hinge?"

I was clear about not wanting to be exclusive.
I did not make promises I could not keep.
I told the monoamorous guys NOT to play here unless they were SURE they could hold their own baggage.

I am not forcing you to be in relationship with me. Here you have chosen to tread. So you have to own it when there's motion sickness because I'm not offering a conventional model here. This is a polyship.

They owned it. It was fine. I think we all learned a lot.

Not everyone can hack a monoamory/polyamory mismatch. Everyone has the right to choose what relationship shape they want to participate in or not.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-16-2012 at 04:48 PM.
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