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  #11  
Old 10-16-2012, 12:56 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
But are you trying to say that a "unicorn" can mean anything anyone wants it to mean? In that case, "polyamory" can mean going out and getting laid in dark alleys with a different stranger every night of the week. After all, nobody OWNS the term "polyamory".
Not "anything". The use of the term "unicorn" is because those couples tend to be looking for something rare, perhaps even non-existent: a bisexual person who can be in an equal relationship with both halves of a couple. There's no reason on earth why it has to be JUST a female. Just because that is the most common search does not make it the only one. Why gender-define it? That's awfully close to the argument used by those who want to claim "marriage" has to be between a man and a woman. Why does the gender of person matter to explain the relationship? And yes, I'm sure there are people who define "polyamory" as EXACTLY that. They aren't people I'd want to be involved with, but I'm sure they're out there.

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And yes, I was being dismissive and negative when I made the comment about the vagina. The OP said he is MALE and does not have a vagina, so that remark was relevant to the flow of discussion.
It's okay to be misogynistic because it's relevant to the discussion?? To clarify, I didn't feel like you were being negative and dismissive towards just the OP. I felt you were being negative and dismissive towards women.
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Everything I have said has been in response to something the OP brought up. Then he says I'm being "off topic". That is bullshit.
Doesn't justify being a jerk about it. Perhaps the OP wasn't clear about what he was asking to begin with, but it was pretty clear with the next post that a discussion of the label was NOT what he was going for (apologies to haruki for my own participation in staying on this tangent).

If we have to be gender-specific, I rather like the idea of Pegasus, but in my mind Unicorn is more appropriate for those with a penis, and Pegasus would be left for those with a vagina.
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  #12  
Old 10-16-2012, 02:47 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Not "anything". The use of the term "unicorn" is because those couples tend to be looking for something rare, perhaps even non-existent: a bisexual person who can be in an equal relationship with both halves of a couple.
Um...no. A unicorn is the mythical, hot, bi babe who's just waiting to jump into a polyfi triad with a couple and make everything shiny and spectacular for them. The term actually arises in reference to unicorn hunters--those couples seeking the mythical unicorn.

Yes, the term has a meaning. Yes, that meaning is specific to gender.

If you wish to stretch the metaphor to also indict a couple seeking a hot, bi male, then you can reference any number of mythical beasts that are posited to be male. The thing is, it's really a waste of time to try to point to a mythical creature--especially as they exist largely only in the minds of the hunters. To use the metaphor as intended, you reference the hunters and don't attempt to identify anybody in particular as the prey....

So, OP, I wouldn't be so quick to jump on terms that are new to you quite so quickly. You're not a unicorn, nor do I think you really want to be part of that particular metaphorical situation, because that would mean any couple approaching you would have some really dysfunctional expectations.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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  #13  
Old 10-16-2012, 08:13 AM
haruki haruki is offline
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obviously I was not aware that this forum would be so filled with such gender-normative members focused on such semantical bullshit. I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused due to my misuse of a frivolous and(unbeknownst to me) gender-specific term. All I can say is that I WAS generally looking for a discussion, but most of what I found was only criticism on specific word usage. I am asking to have this topic deleted as such.Here I thought this community would be a safe place filled with at least open-minded people. I regret to admit I was (mostly)wrong. Again, sorry... This community-aside from a few members- has left a bitter taste of the horribly stereotypical hetero-normative world in my mouth and I will find a different venue for my questions in the future.

Last edited by haruki; 10-16-2012 at 08:34 AM.
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  #14  
Old 10-16-2012, 11:38 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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My main beef with calling yourself a Unicorn is that I don't think it's a very nice thing to be.

Unicorn Hunters are usually a married couple who have decided that the best way to ease into Poly is to find a Hot Bi Babe who will fall in love with both of them equally, have hot threesome sex, help with babysitting and pretend she's just a friend when anyone's looking. The hunters usually have a laundry list of requirements their prey must match but no intention of changing anything about themselves in order to ensure their "new addition" has her needs met too. They usually blunder around with all the tact of baboons in heat before declaring themselves astonished that nobody is throwing herself at them on the basis of a two-line personal ad which states nothing more than their location and the fact that they want to add to their family. I've not encountered people looking for a male unicorn, possibly because the people who Unicorn Hunt also seem to be people who find bisexuality in men icky.

There are, of course, couples who successfully integrate one or more extra people into their relationship, but the way they go about doing so is what differentiates them from Unicorn Hunters and is what makes the additional partners partners rather than Unicorns.
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  #15  
Old 10-16-2012, 01:31 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Haruki,

I understand why you are not thrilled with your experience here. I hope you give it another chance anyway. Some folks here can be abrasive and rigid. And semantics can be a hot button topic people feel strongly about. However there are many people here who are queer in some way (including me) many who do not fit into gender norms, and allies of those folks. Give yourself the chance to meet them.

Don't let one or two posters overshadow the others who did address your question. The consensus seems to be that unicorn is not necessarily a positive label and to mull that over before adopting it. Emm summarizes that point if view pretty well.
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  #16  
Old 10-17-2012, 09:26 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
... on the basis of a two-line personal ad which states nothing more than their location and the fact that they want to add to their family.
And here we have another example, fresh today: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30372

It's two lines if you count the thread title.
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  #17  
Old 10-17-2012, 10:31 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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I'm a heterosexual woman in a loving and committed relationship with a bisexual man. We've discussed many, many different types of relationship styles; swinging, open, poly... Triads/dyads/V style... I could go on and on...
We're yet to make up our minds on what we want. We're in no rush... We have plenty of things to enjoy and build in our life.

I tend to sense it's not so easy for men to fess up to some female partners that they like men. My love is nearing 50 and I'm the first partner he's told..

I encourage the OP to dwell on his desires and thoughts, remain mindful and open and to not stress out too much not knowing who you are immediately. We are all works in progress and our honest exploration of who we are, what we like and don't like and our commitment to learning and growing is possibly all we really have.

But yes... Here is one chick who has contemplated sharing my male love with another male love/r.
I never think I'm alone in the world :-)
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  #18  
Old 10-17-2012, 02:38 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
obviously I was not aware that this forum would be so filled with such gender-normative members focused on such semantical bullshit. I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused due to my misuse of a frivolous and(unbeknownst to me) gender-specific term. All I can say is that I WAS generally looking for a discussion, but most of what I found was only criticism on specific word usage. I am asking to have this topic deleted as such.Here I thought this community would be a safe place filled with at least open-minded people. I regret to admit I was (mostly)wrong. Again, sorry... This community-aside from a few members- has left a bitter taste of the horribly stereotypical hetero-normative world in my mouth and I will find a different venue for my questions in the future.
hey haruki. However its been said, the fact remains that a unicorn, by definition is, a single bi woman who a couple seek to join them with the understanding that not only is she super hot, but will look after the kids, clean the house, do what she is asked in bed and won't have another outside lover. The reason such lovelies are called unicorns is because they don't exist. They are mythical. They do for a weekend sometimes. Or sometimes upwards of that if they are broke, have no where to go and/or long for someone to show their own kid some love so they expect the couple to do that... At least those are some examples that I have come across here on the forum.

Having said all that, definitions change. Descriptions follow. If you want to own the word unicorn, go right ahead. Just realize the history. I think its only fair no? Out of respect for those of us who have been hunted by couples and really hurt and abused by the promises made under its title at least (some peoples frustration with someone coming here and using this term.

I'm not sure about the whole hetro-normative stuff you were talking about... Because its a hetro term? Far from normal no? There's some bi in there I guess, so ya, still not getting that part. Please explain further?

There are lots of stories and threads to read on this topic if you wish to have some education in order to understand the tenderness of this topic. I welcome you to do a tag search of "unicorn" to find out more here. Or go to the larger internet. Its not an uncommon word. As to removing posts and threads here; I'm sorry, I can't do that for the reasons you suggest. There are guidelines to read also in another part of this forum if you wish to know what can be removed and what can't. This also includes who gets infractions and who doesn't and for what.

I for one would love to see this term turned on its heals somehow. Unfortunately the hunting of unicorns is super prevalent. I would guess more so than anything else when it comes to attempting poly. I personally would like to see the term and its common definition spread far and wide as a way to make couples think before searching for their coupled hearts desire before breaking apart the term to include other nuances to the word. Likely not to happen, but at the very least the discussion right here, right now means its again talked about and discussed so that people can re-hash its meaning and the emotionally loaded stories that go with that.

What is it you wanted to discuss haruki? Maybe this discussion could start again for you?
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-17-2012 at 02:41 PM.
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  #19  
Old 10-17-2012, 05:13 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
obviously I was not aware that this forum would be so filled with such gender-normative members focused on such semantical bullshit. I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused due to my misuse of a frivolous and(unbeknownst to me) gender-specific term. All I can say is that I WAS generally looking for a discussion, but most of what I found was only criticism on specific word usage. I am asking to have this topic deleted as such.Here I thought this community would be a safe place filled with at least open-minded people. I regret to admit I was (mostly)wrong. Again, sorry... This community-aside from a few members- has left a bitter taste of the horribly stereotypical hetero-normative world in my mouth and I will find a different venue for my questions in the future.
What you seem to have missed in your knee-jerk response is that folks have pointed out that "unicorn" is not only a term that doesn't apply to you, it's a term that you likely don't ever want associated with you in any fashion.

I describe your reaction as "knee-jerk" for a simple reason. You described yourself using a negative term that doesn't apply to you. The first response to your post pointed out it doesn't apply to you and asked what it was about the term you found so compelling. Your response to that was both odd and hostile, where you asked why the responder was fixated on your use of the term--um...WTF? Seriously, pointing out the misuse of a term does not indicate a fixation on your use of it.

And that hostility from you is where that tangent went south. It wasn't due to anybody else except for you. Heaping on bullshit charges of heteronormative bias doesn't help things, either--and certainly doesn't follow from folks offering the definition of a term you misused. I'll let you in on a (not so) secret--most of the folks who post here regularly don't give a damn about what your gender or sexuality is.

I don't know if you're embarrassed by misusing the term. I don't know if you don't understand that discussion of ideas isn't a discussion of you. I don't know if you're just so scarred by bad experiences elsewhere that you react negatively to any contrary feedback. I've no idea what drives your behavior.

I do know that lashing out at people when they provide you with the correct definition of a word is dysfunctional.

I'll also suggest restarting your discussion, only without bothering with trying to label yourself or your desired role. And without the jerking knee when somebody offers up information contrary to what you thought was the case.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #20  
Old 10-17-2012, 06:15 PM
haruki haruki is offline
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And what this entire thread has missed is the point that te title I used was not the intended point of this thread. Hell I even EXPLICITLY stated the questions I had and several discussion topics in the first post. Furthermore, I apologized for my use of the term, requested to have the topic deleted several times as this seems to have turned into nothing more than a 'bash the idiot newbie thread'.

I can't express enough how much I understand that I fucking misused one term. I did not expect to have a community I had pegged as being open and safe suddenly become militarized against me. And then try to inform me just how wrong I really am and how wrong my responses to admitting I was wrong really are. And then furthermore state that this defensive behavior is somehow dysfunctional. That right there is a DIRECT character insult not even veiled in discussion.


Here's a fun fact! I can't even edit my original post to display this newfound knowledge this community has forcibly instilled in me. Yet I am still expected to sit here hearing the same objections by different people!

Last edited by haruki; 10-17-2012 at 06:44 PM.
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