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  #11  
Old 10-16-2012, 01:06 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Congrats on getting hitched! Glad you found your way through that foggy patch. It's definitely a release to figure out what's driving emotional bleah around something.

Sorry if I missed you saying it, but did you ever clear up with Twitch whether the wedding was an expression of feeling committed to each other as life-long / primary partners?
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  #12  
Old 10-16-2012, 01:18 AM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Congrats on getting hitched! Glad you found your way through that foggy patch. It's definitely a release to figure out what's driving emotional bleah around something.

Sorry if I missed you saying it, but did you ever clear up with Twitch whether the wedding was an expression of feeling committed to each other as life-long / primary partners?
Hi, fuchka. Yes, we cleared that up. We're both totally committed to one another as life-long, primary partners.

I know I've left a lot out of what I've written here. So much was happening so quickly with our relationship and then there was the whole wedding approaching and all the work that entails.

We had quite the wedding and it was everything a wedding should be with all the emotional depth and meaning. I really feel blessed to have such a great relationship with such a wonderful man.
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  #13  
Old 10-16-2012, 01:26 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Oh, cool.

It's inevitable we can't write out our whole stories, esp when things are moving quickly

I was just curious because I had a chain of events somewhat similar to yours. My partner & I were open to having other relationships, but hadn't met anyone else we wanted to be with. Eventually we realised we wanted to live together, and decided to get married (well, civil union-ed). We were neutral on the official marriage part, but knew both our families would prefer it.

After we'd decided this, is when I met someone else, and it quickly got serious... this was our first proper poly experience. It was interesting dealing with the newness around that, and everything it stirred up, in combination with wedding planning. I'm pleased to hear you two made it through as well! Many happy returns
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  #14  
Old 10-16-2012, 12:16 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Oh, cool.

It's inevitable we can't write out our whole stories, esp when things are moving quickly

I was just curious because I had a chain of events somewhat similar to yours. My partner & I were open to having other relationships, but hadn't met anyone else we wanted to be with. Eventually we realised we wanted to live together, and decided to get married (well, civil union-ed). We were neutral on the official marriage part, but knew both our families would prefer it.

After we'd decided this, is when I met someone else, and it quickly got serious... this was our first proper poly experience. It was interesting dealing with the newness around that, and everything it stirred up, in combination with wedding planning. I'm pleased to hear you two made it through as well! Many happy returns
We did make it through. It took a lot of hard work on both of our parts. I have been seeing a therapist that is alternative lifestyle positive and happens to be an experienced polyamorous person herself. That has been hugely beneficial. She's been impressed with how hard the two of us have worked and didn't shy away from the hard subjects. I've been incredibly grateful for her guidance that has lead us to those hard discussions. I feel so much better now, and the whole thing, as painful as it's been, has brought us even closer together. My husband tells me all the time how grateful he is that I led us down this path, because it's caused our relationship to become so much more than it was before. We're very close and can confide anything in the other which to us means the journey was worth it.
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2012, 10:42 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default Where to start or rather what to include?

I'm dating. There has been a flurry of first dates, some second dates, and some second dates coming up. I'm finding that I'm okay with the different levels and styles of relationships they each offer. I think I'd be happiest with one person that had a lot of availability, but that may not be realistic, so I'm entertaining the idea of dating a number of people. Out of that maybe I'll find someone I can really bond with, but I'm not going to pass by some that might be more superficial.

Last week I had first dates on Monday, Thursday, and Sunday. Friday I met someone I am interested in, but it was at a munch, and doesn't technically qualify as a first date, IMO.

Last night I had a second date the Thursday guy. I started off by texting him yesterday morning saying that I didn't think it was going to work between us. He was devastated and wanted to know why. Basically, it came down to the kiss he gave me at the end of our date Thursday. I was in fear of sustaining a blood blister on the inside of my bottom lip. Yeah, mull that one over. WTF! If he could do that to a lip I'd hate to think what he could do to my poor clit, the center of my universe. He was contrite (I didn't share the real fear that my clit may be in mortal danger if I were to ever have "intimate relations" with him) and promised he was just trying to show his ardor and got a bit carried away. I relented. We agreed to meet at 7 PM, grab a bite to eat and then go to a CD release party. He texted me at 7 PM and said he'd be there by 7:30. Upon arrival he let me know that he'd eaten dinner already. Hmm. One text that covered both time and dining and he didn't read it thoroughly? Sent the Dear John text today.

Next Monday I have a second date with a guy that I'm kind of excited about. Dating him will probably bring social activities, dining out, going to events, and sex. I think it'll stay at that level and while we'll become close it won't ever be in danger of him wanting more than I can give him.

The munch guy, WP, is the one I'm really looking forward to seeing. He's been a ton of fun to IM with and there's quite a bit of chemistry it seems between us if our brief meeting at the munch with spouses in attendance and friends all around was anything to go by. Oh, man. He just sent me an IM...STI test results are back, all clear. Tummy flip flops. Conflicting schedules leave us uncertain when we'll be able to get together. With WP, it'll be more of a D/s relationship. I'm terribly attracted to him. He's not a sadist and that excites me. I get enough of that with Twitch.

Sunday's guy was better than I had anticipated. Isn't that nice? Unexpected for sure. Scheduling a time to see him or anyone over the holidays is hard, but I think we'll see each other right after Christmas.

I don't know if I've mentioned my D.C. guy. Things are building there, but it has it's limitations due to being a LDR. I'm flying out there over MLK weekend - trip number two. We're in pretty steady contact, so despite the distance things have been building.

There are several guys I've put off setting a date and time to meet for now. I need to remember what my friend tells me, "time and energy".
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  #16  
Old 12-13-2012, 08:33 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default On his own journey

I think I forgot to mention that Piper decided to end our relationship in early November. He has some serious intimacy and sexuality issues (his words, not mine) to work through. I pointed him towards a great therapist, and sent him links about living wholeheartedly and about shame. I hope he finds the acceptance and freedom to live his life fully. I'll miss him. He is a wonderful man and I really enjoyed our time together.
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  #17  
Old 12-13-2012, 09:18 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Monday's Guy needs a name, because I can't keep referring to him as Monday's guy. How about McCoy after Jack McCoy from Law & Order? Sounds good to me. They're both lawyers. Different areas of the law, but for my purposes it works. LOL

McCoy and I firmed up plans for our date on Monday, just to have to move things to Thursday a few hours later because he received a message that his cousin is coming through and wants to spend the night at his place that night.

I like that McCoy was genuinely distressed (not overly so, or out of proportion, but he felt like an ass) about the change in plans. Maybe that's shallow, but it felt nice. This is so new between us that I'll take any little crumb that says he wants to spend time with me.

I've really enjoyed our interactions. He's busy, but he makes sure to initiate contact every few days or so. I also like that he's honest. He said he's been figuring out how he can get me to his house so he can get in my pants. Honesty is so sexy.
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  #18  
Old 12-14-2012, 02:11 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I just now took the time to read through your blog. It was like a short story with a happy ending -- like, obviously this isn't the "ending", anything could happen yet, but it was so suspenseful! It went from awww, how nice, they're starting off their poly life and it sounds lovely to oh no, will they be ok??? to yay, things are working out!! Heh, so, thanks for the ride, and I'm very happy that it all is going well now.

I know this was a concern from a while back, and maybe you're past it now, but I did wanna say -- there doesn't necessarily need to be no place for you in the life of Shasti's baby, if she does indeed have a baby. You could be a sort of Aunt, if Shasti was ok with the idea of you being another loving adult in the child's life. A less intense role than the potential role of surrogate-dad, certainly, but still someone in the circle, someone who matters. Just throwing it out there!
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  #19  
Old 12-14-2012, 05:43 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I just now took the time to read through your blog. It was like a short story with a happy ending -- like, obviously this isn't the "ending", anything could happen yet, but it was so suspenseful! It went from awww, how nice, they're starting off their poly life and it sounds lovely to oh no, will they be ok??? to yay, things are working out!! Heh, so, thanks for the ride, and I'm very happy that it all is going well now.

I know this was a concern from a while back, and maybe you're past it now, but I did wanna say -- there doesn't necessarily need to be no place for you in the life of Shasti's baby, if she does indeed have a baby. You could be a sort of Aunt, if Shasti was ok with the idea of you being another loving adult in the child's life. A less intense role than the potential role of surrogate-dad, certainly, but still someone in the circle, someone who matters. Just throwing it out there!
AnnabelMore, I'm glad you enjoyed the ride. I really feel like I'm on a journey. Life seem more stable now and I'm relieved. We're still working through things as they present themselves, but I think that's to be expected.

Right now the whole topic of Shasti having a baby has kind of gone dormant. I expect that's just my perspective, though. I have a feeling that Shasti is proceeding with her plans whichever direction they may go. We visited her in late September and I expressed my concerns. Shortly after our wedding she had a discussion with Twitch about wanting to keep their relationship at the depth that it is now. I think there were two influences behind that: one, our wedding - he's now a married man and this is something she's struggled with as far as how her family would deal with it, and two, my concerns that I shared with her during our visit. I feel kind of bad for Twitch, but I'm really relieved, and that makes me feel guilty. Such a selfish thing on my part. I'm getting better about his relationship with her, though. He's been doing a lot of weeknight visits to see her when he's working within a commutable distance. I told him last week that I'm ready to give him back his weekend visits. I know that sounds terribly controlling, but I really didn't think I'd literally make it through a weekend with him gone to see her. That's a terrible emotional spot to be at. So, in contrast to that, being okay with him going away for the weekend is huge.

Tomorrow we're going to Shasti's big birthday bash that she and a friend are having. We're leaving early and spending the day in Chicago doing things before heading over to her house. This will be the first time Twitch has met her sister and other family members. He will not be there as her date, though. Orville will be filling that role. I feel for Twitch. He's been hurt that she has not introduced him to her sister or any of her friends. To his way of thinking it's not like she has to announce that he's her polyamorous, married boyfriend - he can just be a boyfriend. He'd like to be included in real life activities with her. But now he'll be introduced as a friend and his wife which will mean that they can never do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing with her friends unless she outs herself.

Shasti's b-day is Monday. Twitch's is Tuesday. He's one year older than her. I'm six years older than him.

On another note that only people on here may understand, Orville contacted me yesterday about doing lunch today. I can't because I have therapy. I think he was trying to pregame the weekend; make sure I was in a good head space and all that. He's done that before when I've shared with him my struggles. In a way I appreciate it, but on the other hand it's kind of annoying that the only time I hear from him is when he thinks he needs to do damage control. I'm sure he had take-out in mind with a quickie to follow-up. Nothing like reinforcing the idea that consensual nonmonogamy is fun.
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  #20  
Old 12-14-2012, 09:42 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default Not the gatekeeper

I had a therapy session today and one of the things I spoke to her about was giving Twitch back weekends with Shasti. I was struggling with how it came across as being a control thing, like I was granting him this. She agreed and suggested rather than state it like that, it may have been better to say something along the lines of "I feeling a lot more stable and able to handle things, so let's do a weekend trial run of you visiting Shasti." Benefits would be that it won't make me feel like I have no recourse if things become less stable for me. Plus it'll be done in the spirit of a test, so that Twitch understands, too, that I'm trying, but I can't guarantee anything. A test with a safety net.

I want to give this back to him. I want us to succeed. I don't enjoy feeling insecure. I do not like holding him back. I don't want to be the all powerful gatekeeper either.
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