BOOKMARK: THE PLATINUM RULE
The Platinum Rule is a moral principle related to but different from the Golden Rule, saying that "Treat others in the way they like to be treated." This "rule" was initiated by Dr. Tony Alessandra. It is associated with the Jung Personality Traits. He believes that there are four different personalities and if you can find out which one a person is, then you can have a long lasting relationship.
Came across this business-model oriented PDF and found it interesting in the land of communication and conflict resolution.
I would use "need" rather than "expectation" but still... lots to think about. So I wanted to bookmark it.
My hurt friend is struggling with her soon-to-be-ex partner NOT treating her as she wants to be treated. This manual brought up the platinum rule so it made me think of her.
I WISH she was being treated well and in the way she wants to be treated. Sigh.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-07-2012 at 06:52 AM.
ON THE PURPOSE OF ENGAGEMENT -- PART 1
This is an excerpt "being engaged" from this thread.
Engagement to me is a serious time of reflection and discernment and assessment. It is not entered into lightly.
Deciding what is for dinner is one thing.
Deciding a major life change? That's another thing
I feel like some people don't know how to best use their engagement times. Or that there even ARE engagement times beyond the one that comes before marriage.
So weird to me. How could I live my life as I want to live it -- captain of my of life destiny -- if I don't take time outs to engage and plan my life strategy?
Just gonna... wing it?
Winging it for a day is one thing.
Winging it for my life is another.
Wrote this today in response to this thread.
No wonder my brain is spaced out. Between dealing with mundane life stupid like laundry, dealing with my abused friend, dealing with eldercare things, dealing with my health things, dealing with house things, I'm dealing with my own clarification and thought processing on this whole "Enaged to Consider OPENING" with DH.
Thank god for long ass engagements!
Because I don't WANT to do more thinking and processing today. Waaaah! I feel FULL.
I want to get my kid and dutifully need to visit the grandparents and make sure no elders are runnin' around blowing things up or having any new cows today.
Then I want to take kid to get a frozen yogurt or something. I want to experience frivolity and kiddie shenanigans to see if my mood lifts.
This I now choose to go do. Just try to STOP me from choosing my next behavior (in response to how I currently feel) to change my next reality and see how I might end up feeling next!
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
(Meta Me: Well that worked. I was feeling all arghy and then decided to deliberate think about my next immediate options rather than service to future options and talk to myself in my usual "Lo! Behold! I rule my own destiny! Small destiny it may be but ALL MINE! " way. I got the self assure and the self validate and I feel better. Go me. )
Meta Meta Me: Kid was right when she told me our thinking does not directly influence our feelings but it does have indirect impact on them. (Mini Me talking to me-- argh... to many me's in too many versions.)
Meta Meta Meta Me: Hee hee. Kid learned that at home. Yay.
Meta Meta Meta Meta Me Brain Board of Trustees President and Chair: Yay. We hold our own bag. Yippee. So what do we have to DO to get us a Klondike bar here, already? Meeting adjourned.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-11-2012 at 04:24 AM.
OLD RELATIONSHIP ENERGY DRUNK
I am experiencing ORE drunkenness.
People know New Relationship Energy (NRE) drunk can cause poor judgement.
Well, hello! So does ORE drunk. I am drunk.
DH and I are in a kooshy space -- been making time for each other daily, talking a bit more on poly/opening issues. Getting more comfortable and less vomitous on the things that wig me out. Then there's awesome sex hormone highs.
So while the agreement is at least a year of deliberation and Engagement? (And I will honor this of course.)
Ms Emotional: This feels good! Wheeee! It's all wheeee! Let's go do it NOW! Get more wheeee!
And then the entire Brain Board of Trustees turns to stare at the crazy committee member suddenly shooting rainbows out of her nipples. Some of them even speak out at once while rest just STARE all agog.
Then of course Ms Emotion is seeming to ignore everything and everyone because her only job is to emote and report the emotion of the moment. She serves as the CURRENT mood meter only. (It's Ms Logical / Record keeper that reports PAST emotions felt.)
That's called feel good. Going on her input alone? That's called impulse/react. And it's good. To motivate oneself to react.
And for "I'm hungry! Impulse! Get banana!" that works out find food without a repass.
And for "Argh! My kid is in the street! Car coming! Impulse! Get that kid! " that works to push kid out of way without a repass.
But I'm talking Opening a Marriage. A major life choice change.
I want to feel that emotion loud and clear several times, not just once. That is pass and repass. ME acting with intention. I also want to get the pass and repass on DH's side. And I want to have agreements in place. That is US acting with intention.
So I expected the "yippee skippy." Prob will happen a few more times on the journey. Prob at various times, even prob various volumes.
But the Brain Board of Trustees Chair and President?
"Alright, people. Chill. Ms Emotion, we're glad you have rainbows to share today. Please tone down the joyness and shoot rainbows from your nipples out the window outside and not all over the Board Table in here making it hard to read. We have lots of other thinking paperwork to do today -- errands, dinner for the family makin', mapping out house repairs next week, bills... how about we call a break for lunch? Resume in an hour? Let's adjourn for eats."So... lunch break. I will aim all my happyjoyjoys at other people in my life -- spouse, kid, friends. Steam valve it OUT.
Get my inner world back down to a humming along 5-7 range on the Emotional Guidance Scale. Too much happyjoyjoy makes it hard for the BOT to see clear and make good judgements in the business of Coping with My Life.
My best childhood friend tells me she has never experienced such thing as "too much happy." I told her I'm sorry to hear that. But why not? It's the flip side of having shitass days from hell.
We live amidst and within science here. For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.
For every feeling, there's an equal and opposite feeling.
That's just sense.
And good emotional balance? That's getting it BALANCED. Hello?
I don't choose how I feel. I only get to choose how I behave. If I'm feeling too much happyhappy the antidote so I can settle down to bearable volume? That is to share the happiness abroad to unload in my Outer Universe, and then busy myself with less fun things to settle down within my Inner Universe.
Hello, stupid house things. Like never ending Laundry Mountain. Thppt.
But I'm on lunch hour now.
Ms Emotion : Wheee! Wheeeee! Luuuuuunch! We love lunch happies!
Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-13-2012 at 03:25 AM.
ON THE SIX TYPES OF MATURITY
DH is sick. He's rarely this sick. He's hiding in bed trying to sleep through it. Poor baby.
I'm still feeling all kinds of kooshy toward him. He's so sane. So solid. A little snotty right now, but ok... It happens. I love him no less snotty than when he is well. We had a low key weekend but lovely all the same. Family date on Saturday to air everyone out as especially fun. But then Sunday he suddenly got really feverish.
Me? I'm feeling sane and solid. I don't feel sick so maybe I escaped it? (Kid was sick last week.) But I do feel a bit short on patience for shenanigans.
Overly dramatic depressed friend? Wish she's just get appropriate health care already. Sigh. I'm not sure I can stay friends with her. Starts to get too emotional vampire and does NOT want to own her own bag. I can't be having with that.
My abused friend? That's taking a lot of my energy. She endues and continues to move it toward a break up. But the ex-to-be is still behaving in all kinds of weird and scary ways. She asked me for moral support while she made some hard calls. I didn't know what that meant but I told her sure -- come over and if you need me to LITERALLY hold your hand while you call, hand I will hold. She laughed and said she just wanted moral support not actual hand holding.
She wanted to make some serious calls to relatives and alert them to the situation and then make a checklist for divorce stuff when person you are trying to leave is being bizarre. Hard calls to make and she just wanted some "you can do it!" type support while she was making them. Was glad to give. She's facing a hard situation and trying to hold her own baggage. Good for her!
It's frustrating to deal with people sometimes who appear to lack maturity. The histrionic friend, the weird abusive ex to be. My abused friend? She's taken hit points man, and she's had outburts of emotion and UGH and GRR. And she STILL is trying to own her own baggage and move it forward with her shit. I give her props every damn step of the way. Her? I'm willing to endure her process with her. It's not fun for ME to endure wacky but she's not shirking her duty to herself here. Props to her!
I'd been meaning to copy it over, so today's a good a day as any. My most fav and succinct description of the (6) maturities.
If all the polypeeps aren't relatively solid on those? I don't think a polyship has the best chance it otherwise could.
And out of all of them? Emotionally immature is the one that gets my goat. Two you get free just by not being dead (chronolical, physical) rest you could learn in time (intellectual, social, philosophical) if desire is there. But dang. Emotionally immature? That's a hard one to overcome if your emotional development got arrested somewhere along the line.
I do not want to sign up to align self with an emotionally immature person. That's headache I can avoid by just saying NO.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-15-2012 at 09:50 PM.
Definitely agree with you on it being easier to swallow someone and their drama when you can see that they are claiming their crap and working on it.
It's SO frustrating when someone shrugs their crap off on others!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
CONFLICT RESOLUTION: HOLDING MY OWN BAG WHEN OTHER PERSON IS FLOODING
I am pleased with self. And with friend. Got got through a minefield moment ok.
Far Away Friend was going off on a touchy subject. Usually I let her go on but I take umbrage when she uses her words all weird. You can't sit there and complain to me about how "people behave in ways that are crap and wreck it for others with their bad behavior." And then be using language at me that DOES THE SAME THING. It pushed a button.
I took a breath and let that initial GRR pass. I chose to assume positive intent. Maybe she did not mean it the way it sounded? I tried to get the clarify.
Me: Slow down. I am not understanding.
Ms Emotion: Dammit. Stop yammering. LISTEN. Am I am Ear here or Ear with feedback?I try to get the clarify.
Me: Listen. I am a logical person and I need to hear this information in step by step chunks with breaks in between. You are going much too fast. I cannot understand like this to reply.
Friend: I am insulted! You are saying I am stupid! ... yammer on in other direction about how people suck assuming she's stupid.
Ms Emotion: She pisses me off assuming negative intent when I assume positive intent and try to get clarify. Will not GIVE clarify at start. Will not GIVE clarify when asked. Why does she get to be brat? I want to be brat. I am mad too! Grrr!I choose to take a deep breath and try again. Reframe and restate my position, give her some reassure even tho she was pissing me off, give her specific directions for WHAT TO DO so she can latch on to it and do it, end on what I want most. Please hear me! Basically do what I want done to ME when I am flooding.
Me: No. You are assuming. Hon, I've been your friend for years. I am trying to communicate MY weakness here. I had abused friend drama this weekend. So I am depleted. I lack sleep. I am not sharp. Now you are telling me new information in a too fast speed.
I am telling you I feel the need to hear information presented to me in a slower speed, one step at a time logical format. Like 1, 2, 3.
I am not saying you are stupid. I have been your friend for decades. Why would I be your friend this long if I thought you were stupid?
Please tell me your information in bite size chunks. 1, 2, 3. Please do not assume. Please hear me.
Friend: Oh. (long ass pause of silence. ) Chunk 1.
Me: Ok. Got chunk 1. I'm ready for next chunk.
Friend: Chunk 2.
Me: Alright. I got it. Chunk 2. Next?
Friend: Well, then chunk 3 happened.
Me: And did you ___ ?
Friend: Yes. I did ___. I also did ____.
Ms Logic: Note her excited voice there. She's close to wigginz again. Avoid! Do not press on the ouchie place!Me: Alright. Next chunk. (tense, holding breath, hoping to avoid ouchie)
Friend: Well chunk 4 then. (she kept it short this time instead of blow up)
Me: Alright. (breathing sigh we avoided the minefield place now that I knew where it was hiding.)
Is it feedback time? (ask permission first so she cannot bitch at me later about me giving unasked for advice.)
Me: While I agree with you in the GLOBAL sense that it was a crap thing and I see where you are feeling all argh about it? And justly so? (Validate, affirm because I actually did agree on that part.)
Ms Emotion: Even if she's being persnickety.Enter Ms Dipomatic.
I do not understand why you expose yourself to this. Why choose to go there? Esp when you come BACK from exposure you snap at your loved ones. (Focus on BEHAVIORS and ACTIONS. Not TALKS OR FEELS.)
I mean, you just got all "rrrrrraaaawwwrrr!" at ME like a cat with claws out.
How do you help create and achieve your goal of a climate of non-fear? (hold up goal)
How can you take away from the problem by your actions and behavior to help create that climate of compassion you want to create?
How can you use your action and behavior to not add to the problem and create a climate of fear? (Hold up logic -- the testing of "reasonable" and "realistic" has to happen.)
Could you pace yourself better and take breaks? Not work yourself down to nubbins? (Offer possible way to go.)
I am not saying your cause is not just and your feeling is not correct or that your goal is not worthy. All are good. (Re validate and reaffirm because I heard some dragon snorting happening over the line.)
I am concerned, as your friend -- that your PACING on this is gonna run you ragged and damage your health. Maybe damage relationships. Is your goal of creating climate of non-fear and creating climate of compassion achieved most effectively then? For the situation AND for your life/health?
Friend: Oh. (long ass pause.) Yeah. I am sorry. That was bad.
Me: Yes. Forgiven. But as your friend, I have to hold up a mirror to your behavior -- if the goal really is to create a new climate of non-fear? I do not think the approach of "GRRR! DO WHAT I SAY!" is the best approach. That is all I am trying to say. I know you feel frustrated. But focus on what you want here. Protect your OWN health buckets too -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health while you are going after it.
Friend: (long ass pause.) Sigh. You have no idea what a relief it is to be understood.
Me: I do know. I do understand. (there, there.)
But PACE yourself here, hon. You are gonna blow! And I need YOU to understand that I am your friend, and I will always be your friend. But don't assume things with me. Do you wonder what you assume of other people? If that helps or hinders your understanding of them? Or they of you? (New things for her to think about.)
Keep doing this work you love even if it is taxing -- but could consider thinking about your communication skills. Could look up Non-violent Communication online... are you taking all the tools you need when you go out there to do that job? The best tools to aid you? Are you pacing yourself to endure and make it to the end? It's not about speed here. It's about getting there. (Offer more suggestions for how to meet her goal better.)
Friend: Yeah. I could think on that. Thanks.
So we talked some more and enjoyed the phone chat and she felt better for the vent and I felt better for calling her into account when she got all persnickety. Covered the kids and fam and had a nice phone visit. In the Global Macrocosm Sense? We are all good. In service to a long term friendship I'm willing to endure some poopoo with my friend. We all have those moments. She's endured ME being all poopoohead sometimes too. I love her dearly.
In the specific Individual Personal Microcosm sense?
That speaks to me being depleted over the weekend. It's like telenovela time, man. And not even a funny one. I had hoped this phone visit would bring me relief not more poopoo, even if minor poo. I need to do some self care and go look at funny stuff or watch a funny movie or read a funny book. Because yeah. Holding MY own bag sometimes sucks too.
In my Mind's Eye I went all Telenovela and indulged my inner toddler. Just smacked smacked stuff up with a broom. Smack! Threw all the crayons out of the box. POW! Went all "No soup for you!" unreasonable rather than being patient. I should get a Juliet hat to wear and stand on boxes and just scream at random too. "Ay! Ay! Ay!"
Behave all kinds of wacko. Just for the hell of it. LOL.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-17-2012 at 03:26 AM.
KOOSHY MOMENTS: WHAT WE TALK ABOUT
Me: Tell me again. Tell me that if the right person appears and its feeling like the right time under the right conditions. I can ask you if I can go there.So he told me. Again and again.
After the doc's where we were both seen? (Thanks, kid. Cootifying both parents! Now even I have a sore throat!) We popped over to lunch and had a lovely talk and then home for more talking on the couch. He's been feeling so digusting and hibernating like a bear I haven't talked to him, really talked, in a few days. It was fun to catch up. He said it was good to eat real food finally.
He cannot get his head around the fact that some folks want to put a limit on emotion. I can't either -- emotion just IS. So freakin' what? It doesn't mean you have to act upon whatever it is you feel or not not feel or wish to feel.
(We had covered abused friend and their poor Opening -- it blew up. It isn't the Opening really, it's that things were long broken there way before. He says he's got to give her major props for handling all this wacko that's the fall out. It is horrible that ex to be is behaving this way, but she's coping and owning her own bag. Her only faux pas was being not educated enough. His problems? Long laundry list!
I'll be curious to know if after the dust settles and she has a time alone, if she will carry on seeking multiple partners or not. They just did not do enough talking things out before hand.)
Us? We don't spend a lot of time on safer sex talk. That's a given. We also don't spend much time on you can/cannot do this or that. That's micromanagement.
We actually spend a lot of time on breaking up well and just owning and demystifying the greatest risk. Because if you cannot do that? Well, why bother with the rest? You have to be willing to pay the ultimate price of admission.
Communication. Conflict resolution and time management. But the most time on breaking up well.
Safer sex, what the Partner is doing with the Other -- none of that is online yet.
What IS already online is our own communication and conflict resolution skills here.
If we cannot come to agreement/compromise on this Opening Up thing, we're not going there. Plain and simple. Not willing to pay the price of admission.
I want to be Open to the Unfolding of a new Share but it isn't just that. It's the Deepening of the Share I already have with DH. I want to it be at a pace that keeps all people feeling good enough, fed enough, and happy enough.
If there must be uncomfortable along they way -- let's aim it to the comfortably uncomfortable then that can pass in time rather than the UNCOMFORTABLE UNCOMFORTABLE at high extreme volume.
Me: Mmm. I love getting to ask. I love getting to tell you anything.Still way more talks to go. Not in any hurry to get there either. I'm enjoying the Deepening here on THIS Share. And we will get there. He says he's enjoying it like foreplay. Actually, so am I.
Me: Yay. Asking! (pause) You know I want it the way I want it or I don't want it at all. I'm not missing anything here.I laughed. A million years ago in that particular banter exchange he used to go "Mm. Yay! Take ME! I'm free!"
I have to ask him if he noticed he dropped the end chunk because he's already been taken and he's no longer free? But then neither am I. Opening as Marrieds. Such an interesting experience to navigate.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-17-2012 at 07:13 PM.
FLIRTING: SPIDER & FLY
He spends a lot of time wooing me with song lyrics because he's Audio Boy.
I spend time wooing him with eye candy and reads because I'm Visual Girl.
Me: "Welcome to my parlor," said the Spider to the Fly.That's an old banter exchange. I can't even remember when I started that one. I have to ask him if he does. It's origins? Come from the poem. Thing is, when I do the inviting? You get what you see. This is it here. Choose or not. That's up to you. In fact, I always warn the risks of choosing. Better for you NOT to choose -- and I say so if I think the person is better off in another arrangement. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want the other person to be unhappy either. What sense in there is THAT?
If people don't believe me about the risk, about the cost of admission, about what it is that is here? Their problem. They did not have to choose me. I will still try my all, but don't come crying to me if it's not what you thought -- like I'm supposed to change integral parts of me just in service to you!
Me: Do you think I'm difficult?
(DH -- hey there, Fly. Love you. :* )
Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-17-2012 at 07:14 PM.
Oh yes! - MrS and I have this one too: >giggle grins @ GalaGirl<
Then, Dude says that HE'S in it for "all the drama"...(Everyone say it "POOOOOR Dude")
What about me?! I have to "put up with" TWOOOO Boys! >wiggle giggle grin< - POOOOR JANE...everyone says so!
(Ummm...wait - NOBODY says that! )
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe