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  #11  
Old 10-09-2012, 04:53 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
(Was that the correct usage of "monostream," by the way?)
Yes. Very good.
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  #12  
Old 10-09-2012, 04:53 PM
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I have had a live in monogamous bf for several years now (MonoVCPG) and recently he allowed his heart to wander. He had promised me over and over again that he never would and that he would only ever look to me for his needs to be met. It was alarming and devastating for me when that promise was broken. You can follow in my blog what happened (march 2012 on).

Monogamous promises of commitment are very different and I wonder if your partner sees you as primary because he believes you to be monogamous. I might of missed it, but have you talked with him about your ponderings of dating? And your questions about whether poly is a good choice for you or not?

As a whole I agree with those here that suggest that you make friends and see what happens. The positive part of Mono opening his heart to the possibility of poly love was that he understands me enough now to find a comfortable spot within our lives together. He had some very strict boundaries before he crushed out on his friend and those have all lapsed to a place where I can reasonably fulfill his requests. What I am struggling with is trusting him that he means what he says when he says he wants to stay monogamous. I don't think I will ever trust him or likely anyone else if they ever make that promise again.

Btw MonoVCPG has written a lot on these forums in the past on "mono/poly" relationships. If you do a tag search you will find his posts and other fantastic writings.
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  #13  
Old 10-09-2012, 05:55 PM
paraselene paraselene is offline
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Hi, Redpepper, and thanks for your insights. I've read quite a few of Mono's posts with great interest.

My partner does know that I'm considering dating and is encouraging me to do so. I do have some concerns that he'd like me to be non-monogamous because it will validate his own polyamory in some way. (He was monogamous until a few years ago and sometimes has a little bit of the fervor of the recently converted, almost as if he's still trying to convince himself that he's on the right path.) He says he's turned on by the idea of me having sex with other men, but I'm less sure he's prepared for what might happen if I also come to love another partner.

As far as why he sees me as primary, he says I'm the person he wants to spend the majority of his time with, the person he wants to come home to, the person he wants to build a life with over the long haul (and I feel the same way about him). But a little part of me wonders if there's more to it than that. Why seek out kinky/poly partners but then fall head over heels in love and pursue a primary relationship with an almost comically vanilla mono person? Is there something about my love for him and only him that's meeting an unacknowledged need or preference? And will his feelings for me change if I get emotionally involved with someone else?

Last edited by paraselene; 10-09-2012 at 05:57 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-09-2012, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by paraselene View Post
As far as why he sees me as primary, he says I'm the person he wants to spend the majority of his time with, the person he wants to come home to, the person he wants to build a life with over the long haul (and I feel the same way about him). But a little part of me wonders if there's more to it than that. Why seek out kinky/poly partners but then fall head over heels in love and pursue a primary relationship with an almost comically vanilla mono person? Is there something about my love for him and only him that's meeting an unacknowledged need or preference? And will his feelings for me change if I get emotionally involved with someone else?
Love is strange. I like the saying, "If you can explain the reasons 'why' then it's Like, not Love."

All of what you suggest is possible. But you can drive yourself crazy with worry by over-analyzing things.

Being poly, it's not "dangerous" for him to settle down with someone who doesn't meet 100% of his sexual/fetish needs, because he knows he can always get someone else to spank his tooshie. I personally don't operate that way, but it works for some people.

Very few of the people I've ever dated are the kinds of people I thought I was looking for, yet each of those relationships was satisfying in its own way. It's normal to have some insecurities and to question why someone is with you, but you can't let it rule your life.
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  #15  
Old 10-11-2012, 03:06 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Hi Paraselene,

You sound very thoughtful and mature. If you're curious about trying to date other people, why not go for it?

I don't believe that people are either "mono" or "poly" in clear, exclusionary categories. I think some people are less likely to have emotional/romantic/sexual feelings for others when they are already in love with someone; and other people are more likely to have those feelings for more than one person at a time.

I don't have much advice for you except in regards to your feeling that when you have a lover--someone filling your "lover" category--you become blind to all other men. That's perfectly fine of course, but if you are curious about exploring poly relationships for yourself (and why not?), yes, you will definitely have to make a choice to go outside your comfort zone and date deliberately.

Your comments reminded me of how I felt when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I still had feelings for him months later. I was in love with him and felt that my "lover" slot was filled. I knew he didn't love me back, but I felt like my heart was already "given." I hardly took notice of other men. But I knew that I would have to push myself to date again to get over him.

So I did. I went outside my comfort zone. And it turns out, the world is full of interesting men! In fact, I ended up connecting with a non-monogamous man who understood that I was not over my ex. He became the lover and supportive friend I needed at the time. My feelings for my first boyfriend didn't disappear just because I'd found someone new to love. (Thankfully, I got over my first love eventually, after I matured, got more life experience, dated a LOT more, and realized how immature he'd been).

But, my point is, I had to push myself to date when it felt unnatural to do so, and it was absolutely the right choice.

I guess the main question for you would be whether falling in love with someone else would cause you to fall out of love with your primary boyfriend. Mono people seem to experience that, although I don't understand it at all.

I think there's a lot of societal conditioning that you can only love one person at a time, so when "mono" people fall in love with a second person, they have to convince themselves they don't love the first person anymore.

I understand your fears that your boyfriend may somehow want your mono love for him to remain mono. Why not talk to him about that? You may only be imagining that he feels that way.
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  #16  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:51 AM
paraselene paraselene is offline
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Thanks, MeeraReed, for your thoughts on going outside the dating comfort zone. My partner insists that he'd like me to date others, but I do doubt my own capacity to be emotionally/romantically attached to someone else without diminishing my love for him. For my entire dating life, I've loved one guy at a time, with long celibate stretches in between relationships, and beginning to desire a new man was always the signal to me that I no longer loved the previous partner. I worry that I would have to withdraw some of what I feel for my boyfriend in order to give it to someone else... and I also worry that at some point the balance could tip and I would want to be with the new person instead of (rather than in addition to) my boyfriend. Of course, finding out otherwise -- that I can date others without rejecting my boyfriend -- would be a game-changer not just for my own relationship options but also in comprehending how my poly partner's mind works.
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  #17  
Old 10-15-2012, 01:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paraselene View Post
My partner insists that he'd like me to date others, but I do doubt my own capacity to be emotionally/romantically attached to someone else without diminishing my love for him.
Jeez, why? That's ridiculous. Tell him to stop insisting!!! Do not let him even say those words!

Let him know that you are exploring the idea but doing so may not be a fit for you, and so he will have to deal with all the feelings he has about being poly while you are not. Don't ever do anything that doesn't feel right for you. Mono-poly relationships can work very well, but the poly person has no right to insist that their partner be poly too, if they really don't want to be. That is not respectful of who you are.

Think also of how shitty it would feel to be the person you would be with when they realize you're just with them to try and even the score and not because you are really moved to be with them. Come on!

If you feel open to it, if you feel a connection with someone, go for it, but don't force anything with anybody just to please your partner and alleviate his guilt or whatever. That would just be a major dumb move.

Why not invite him here to post his viewpoint? It might help his process if he read some responses to his "insistence."
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #18  
Old 10-15-2012, 02:25 PM
paraselene paraselene is offline
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Just to clarify, he did not insist that I start dating. I was referring to his repeated reassurances that he would be fine with my doing so and would be happy if I found that I enjoyed it. He has never, ever asked me to violate any of my own boundaries and has stated clearly that I should never do anything I don't want to do.
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  #19  
Old 10-15-2012, 06:22 PM
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Okay, well that's cool. Thanks for the clarification. I haven't thoroughly read the whole thread but when you said he insisted that he'd like you to date others, it did sound like you were being pressured. Good to know that's not the case and you have the freedom to explore at your own pace, if you so choose.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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