How "out" are you as poly, really? And why?

[smiler]

Originally Posted by AggieSez

Yep, Smiler. I thought about that very issue hard before naming my blog SoloPoly.net. The trouble is, all the terms our language has to describe people who are unpartnered have vague-to-outright negative connotations or are just awkward. So I decided, at least for my own purposes, to reclaim "solo" and embrace it as a positive ace to start from. Not perfect, but better than most alternatives.

Also it applies more readily to folks who are in relationships -- just not primary-style (or primary-track) ones.

That's true. Now that I've given it more thought, you're right. Lots of positive framing of the word "solo" as well - like "flying solo", being a "soloist" at a concert etc. So, it's not a biggie. I need to go check out your blog!

[Fiona]

Great article! I enjoyed reading it. I'm more out now than I ever have been; I am married and started dating my partner about 1.5 years ago. At first, I was very hesitant about being out about that (I have a child with my husband, which was the main reason for my fears) but have grown less concerned over time. (Much to my somewhat-conservative landlord's consternation at my birthday party, I think! He's now not really speaking to me after seeing me kiss my partner.)

I also don't subscribe to the idea of hierarchial poly, and it feels bad for me to deny my partner's importance to me or repress my feelings about him because of what others may think.

On the other hand, I've been irked (mostly earlier on in our relationship) of my partner not wanting to appear "too couple-y" with me, in case it scared off other (single) people who might be interested in him...I don't think that's been much of an issue lately, but it's still a bit difficult to consider. I'm wondering if this is/has been an issue for anyone else?

[Emm]

B2 is working over on the other side of the country for a few weeks, and I'm flying in for a hit 'n run visit the weekend after next. He's in my home city, so of course it'd be silly not to drop in and see my mother while I'm there.

So, to avoid awkwardness I just called my mother & told her about my "harem". Her main concern? Trying to work out if the word could be applied to a group of guys.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Runic Wolf and I are out to most of our friends about being poly, but only out to a select few about who I am seeing. We are not out on social media (or rather I am not) or to family due to my job's morality clause.

My boyfriend, Wendigo, and I agreed in the beginning that we needed to keep our relationship private for a few reasons: 1) my work's morality clause 2) he and his wife are living in a house on her family's property in a small rural town 3) Pretty Lady is a published author who is a very private person and didn't want people to make assumptions etc. that might affect her livelihood.

Over the years this has relaxed. Several of our friends know or at least suspect that we are involved romantically. Pretty Lady's family has moved off the property and Wendigo now works with my husband, so sleep overs are now possible because no one will be questioning why. At this point, Wendigo and I don't really care who knows, but aren't going out of our way to tell people. The general train of thought is that if we get shunned by our group of friends for something that hasn't effected them at all while they were unaware of it, than who needs them?

Family is a different story because our family helps us with childcare and rent. And when I came out as bi to my siblings, my dad found out and was cool, but he didn't know my mom was unaware and outed me. My mom willfully disbelieved and then was confronted with the truth when a friend posted pics on social media of me kissing a girl. My mom didn't speak to me for a week and then never mentioned it to me. She just told my sister that she didn't know where she'd gone wrong with me.

[Cleo]

My husband and I are very out, to all our friends, all my co-workers, most of his, our wider social circle - down to the bartenders in our favorite bars.
The only people we're not out to are our parents. My husband wouldn't care about telling his, but I'm very hesitant about telling mine. They're old, very conservative, don't deal very well with talking about personal stuff, and we are not very close.

But, lately I've been feeling bad about lying to my mom about my whereabouts. Our conversations are pretty superfucial, so they often deal with where I've been and what I've been doing, and it has happened a couple of times that I said I spent a quiet weekend at home when I was in fact at my BF's (he lives in another city where I know noone else, so telling her I was visiting a friend in city X would be too weird). So, I don't know, I might tell them one of these days... am really dreading it though.

My husband has told his grown daughter some time ago he had a 'special friend' and she knows, but has said she doesn't want to discuss it with him.

Now when I'm with my BF it's different.. he's not afraid of being seen with me, PDA is ok, but I think he doesn't like people to know that I may be his GF, but am also married. His good friends know, this is more about aquaintances / co-workers. Haven't really talked about this with him, but it's kind of the vibe I get.

So while I would say I'm pretty out, reading this thread has made me think about degrees and level of outness. For instance, most of my co-workers know I have a BF who lives in another city. Some have even met him. But only a couple of them know I also have another BF who I only see occasionally, and at work no one knows I'm active on OKC and open to more relationships, right now reconnecting with an old lover, emailing with a cute new guy, etc.
Same with friends - they all know about 'poly', they all know about BF, but as for the rest, there are definitely degrees of openness.

Which makes me wonder... IF I tell my parents, what would I tell them? The easiest thing for them to stomach would be: "I'm in a serious second relationship, and btw so is Ren, and we're also still happy together".
The truth ("I'm exploring having lots of different relationships, spend a lot of time in city X with my BF, but also a lot of time with other guys") would be different I guess.....

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by AggieSez

I've notice that the vast majority of these responses came from people who are part of a primary-style couple. I'd also love to hear views from solo poly/open people -- that is, people who don't have (and who maybe aren't seeking or don't want) a primary-style relationship of their own.

Hi Aggie,

I just wanted to respond to this to say that there are only a handful of us (solo-identified folks not seeking a primary partner) on this forum. As far as I know, NYCindie and I are the only two regular/frequent posters in that category (until you came along, at least).

I like this topic and I'll have more to say on it, but right now I'll just say that the biggest issue for me about not being able to be fully "out" is that no one believes me when I say I'm poly/non-monogamous.

My friends know I've been involved with one guy for the last 10 months, and I've told them that we're non-monogamous and that I'm looking to date others, but my friends can't seem to grasp this or take me seriously. They ask me how things are going with my guy, but not about how my other dating searches are going.

Similar with my family. They won't really believe/understand unless I bring two guys home for Thanksgiving or something (which is not what I would want to do at all!)

I feel can't "prove" I'm having healthy, happy non-monogamous relationships unless I can demonstrate that I am indeed in more than one relationship. But the exploring/dating around is part of the fun for me, so obtaining more than one stable relationship is not my only goal in terms of what I want from dating.

Also, I'd like to be "out" as a single-by-choice person (regardless of what my dating life is like), but I find my family & friends also don't believe me, or they say things like, "Aw, you'll meet someone eventually. Don't give up!"

I'll post more later. Thanks for the topic, Aggie.

[AggieSez]

Thanks all -- and especially to Meera -- for chiming in on this thread!

Meera, I've also encountered that passively disrespectful brand of disbelief and selective interest from friends & family concerning my relationship preferences and experience. Got the same thing in my 20s & 30s concerning my choice to be child free. By my 40s those folks assumed I either had "given up" or actually meant what I'd said all along.

#facepalm

[Emm]

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

As far as I know, NYCindie and I are the only two regular/frequent posters in that category (until you came along, at least).

*waves*

I'm working on "regular", but I don't think I'll ever be "frequent".

Originally Posted by AggieSez

Got the same thing in my 20s & 30s concerning my choice to be child free.

I found that dropped significantly once I was able to tell the well-meaning busybody that I'd had my tubes tied.

[SchrodingersCat]

I've been using the words "my girlfriend" and "my girlfriend's husband" in casual conversation more and more lately. I keep waiting for someone to notice and ask about it. Finally today someone did.
"Wait, your girlfriend? I thought you had a husband."
"Yep, I do."
"Oh, so just like... your friend who's a girl."
"Nope, my girlfriend girlfriend."
"Oh. And your husband doesn't mind?"
"Nope."

Then our class started and the discussion ended. Later she flagged me down in the hall...

"So, you said your girlfriend has a husband?"
"Yep."
"Does your husband have a girlfriend, too?"
"Oh no. He figures one relationship is way more than enough work for him."

Then she mentioned about how she'd love to have "more than a 1-to-1 ratio" (you can tell we're science geeks) but that all the guys she's dated are really jealous and wouldn't go for that. I pointed out that it's just a matter of finding the people who would. Monogamy isn't for everyone. She conceded that point. I think we may have another convert!

On the phone later, my silly husband suggested that I should take her out for coffee... I think he believes I want to date every girl I meet. Oh well.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by Emm

I found that dropped significantly once I was able to tell the well-meaning busybody that I'd had my tubes tied.

You know... You can still adopt.

Don't you?