Need a clear, insider view into this world that I view as twisted

[alina]

Originally Posted by Confused22

Does that make me weak and pathetic? I mean, I could easily find someone else; it's not a case of oneitis or fear of being alone. I guess I truly do love her and want to make her happy.

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I'm scared, confused, hurt... numb even?

I've been reading all your threads and crying because I have a very similar situation with my boyfriend. Only difference is we don't live together yet, we have been together a year and he told me about the two other girls. But I feel scared, confused and hurt also. Also felt weak, but I guess I too love him too much and think he's worth fighting for. Hang in there!

[Confused22]

Our son is 3 1/2. Old enough for separation to be a negative factor in his life. Young enough to not fully grasp it so it's less damaged than when he's old enough to understand.

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I should mention that early on in our relationship (<6months in), things were rocky, and I cheated on her with a number of friends of mine. Maybe part of my "validation" for her actions stems from my capacity to do something similar?

Fuck all, I don't know at this point.

[BoringGuy]

I guess I truly do love her and want to make her happy.

You can love someone, even be "in love" with them, and it can go both ways - and STILL NOT MAKE GOOD PARTNERS OR LIFETIME COMPANIONS.

"Love" is NOT all you need.





Who was taking care of your son while she was fucking around with everyone she knows? You? And this is the kind of "love" you want to use to set an example of what a loving relationship looks like?

I realize you're in a lot of pain and I'm not trying to kick you while you're down. I'm trying to get you to think about this rationally, like an outsider who has no investment in the outcome of the situation. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS. YOU HAVE CHOICES.

[SkylerSquirrel]

Our son is 3 1/2. Old enough for separation to be a negative factor in his life. Young enough to not fully grasp it so it's less damaged than when he's old enough to understand.

Right, if you're going to leave, better to do it sooner. Also, it's healthier for your son if you split up amicably, than if you stay together and have a lot of conflict. The quality of the relationship that matters more than its official status.

I should mention that early on in our relationship (<6months in), things were rocky, and I cheated on her with a number of friends of mine. Maybe part of my "validation" for her actions stems from my capacity to do something similar?

I still think your options are counseling or leave. This makes counseling seem like a more viable option - you obviously changed, because you didn't cheat on her during this recent period even though you thought about it. And maybe she did it because she was unconsciously getting back at you or whatever. Either way, it's possibly something you could sort through. But you NEED to sort through it if you're going to stay together.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Confused22

Everyone. Fucking. Knew. And I didn't get so much as an anonymous facebook message or note saying as much.

I had been questioning her about it for a number of months, even offered her "amnesty" to tell me whatever is going on without immediate consequence. She always lied. I knew something was going on, in my gut I knew she was cheating, but I never had solid proof. I never had anything definitive and had even beaten myself up about accusing her for it.

Why the fuck are you still there? Walk on, man, walk on!

Ain't nobody close to her giving you the slightest respect--least of all her. That's not worth saving. Document the cheating and such for the custody hearing and walk on.

[WhatHappened]

I'm right there with Autumnal Tone, Boring Guy, and SkylerSquirrel.

You may still love her now, but she has shown herself to be a cheater and liar. After a few years of living like this, chances are high you won't love her so much anymore.

I'm divorced due to cheating and lies. It led me to an infidelity board, at which I have spent a great deal of time over the last seven years. While it was very healing for me, it has also given me enough reading on stories just like yours to know that chances are astronomically high that a few years down the road, you'll still be finding out about new lies and more affairs. I see it on the boards over and over, and no amount of counseling helps, because generally people aren't that desperate to change.

[GalaGirl]

You have suffered a major betrayal kind of ding. I am so sorry.

I don't know what to do. I love her. But how could I ever trust her again? How could anything ever be "normal" again.

Your GF has been cheating on you and lying. She's made choices that impact your relationship without consulting you. I do not know if you can trust her again in romantic relationship when she does not choose trustworthy behavior. You sound like you are at your limit and suffering a lot of pain to find yourself there without warning.

I would not trust again if I were in these shoes. I wouldn't want to risk it and be open to another ding of this magnitude.

Things will never be the same. You cannot "unknow" what you know now.

You CAN choose to forgive without also granting her a do-over chance to make amends. There's different levels of forgiveness. I do strongly suggest moving toward "forgive and let go" even if you do not also grant a second chance because holding on to pain like that can eat you up inside. YOU and your best healths do not need to cling to bitterness forever. It is ok to feel bitter and UGH right now. Draw on this energy to move you forward.

You CAN choose how you behave next.

You COULD choose to move it forward so all people are in a healthier space.

Loving someone does not mean you are blind to their character flaws. Loving someone does not mean you have to throw your OWN best healths under the bus for her pleasure -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health. She can continue with her pleasures with you OUT of the line of fire.

I would suggest you Choose YOU. I would suggest you choose your best LONG TERM healths even if you have to endure some more short term suckage ugh to get there.

I would suggest you choose your son.

And I suggest you choose her. Yes. HER too! If you are not together, then she is not cheating on you. That alleviates her of burden also. She was not strong enough to tell you forthright and honest. She has room to grow then. Give her the space to do it in and learn that her choices consequences. You don't have to be vindictive. You could just be simple and clean and honest toward YOU and what YOU need for best self care from a big bruising.

If you move everyone to the place of honesty, and perhaps you both can find a way to heal from this enough to be ok friends and co-parents with her for your son as he continues his growing up.

Asking to be romantic partners as well -- that may be asking to much right now. I don't know. I am hoping her mother skills are better than the romantic partner skills. Sigh.

You do not have to get ugly -- but find out about a fast, quick, clean split. Perhaps with a mediator? Get you through and OUT of the Time of Suckage without dragging in on.

But you do have to look out for YOUR health. Staying with a chronic lying, cheating person? That's def no good for your mental/emotional health. I can only hope our physical health is not at risk. Get yourself tested.

It is going to suck. It is a Time of Suckage. But Time? It has the habit of going by no matter what.

In due time I hope you find peace and feel a whole lot better in yourself and not under so much burden. Reach out for that place... a Place of Truly Better and Less Burden. For all of you.

Hang in there. I know it is hard to feel right now.

Namaste,
GG

[Confused22]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

You have suffered a major betrayal kind of ding. I am so sorry.



Your GF has been cheating on you and lying. She's made choices that impact your relationship without consulting you. I do not know if you can trust her again in romantic relationship when she does not choose trustworthy behavior. You sound like you are at your limit and suffering a lot of pain to find yourself there without warning.

I would not trust again if I were in these shoes. I wouldn't want to risk it and be open to another ding of this magnitude.

Things will never be the same. You cannot "unknow" what you know now.

You CAN choose to forgive without also granting her a do-over chance to make amends. There's different levels of forgiveness. I do strongly suggest moving toward "forgive and let go" even if you do not also grant a second chance because holding on to pain like that can eat you up inside. YOU and your best healths do not need to cling to bitterness forever. It is ok to feel bitter and UGH right now. Draw on this energy to move you forward.

You CAN choose how you behave next.

You COULD choose to move it forward so all people are in a healthier space.

Loving someone does not mean you are blind to their character flaws. Loving someone does not mean you have to throw your OWN best healths under the bus for her pleasure -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health. She can continue with her pleasures with you OUT of the line of fire.

I would suggest you Choose YOU. I would suggest you choose your best LONG TERM healths even if you have to endure some more short term suckage ugh to get there.

I would suggest you choose your son.

And I suggest you choose her. Yes. HER too! If you are not together, then she is not cheating on you. That alleviates her of burden also. She was not strong enough to tell you forthright and honest. She has room to grow then. Give her the space to do it in and learn that her choices consequences. You don't have to be vindictive. You could just be simple and clean and honest toward YOU and what YOU need for best self care from a big bruising.

If you move everyone to the place of honesty, and perhaps you both can find a way to heal from this enough to be ok friends and co-parents with her for your son as he continues his growing up.

Asking to be romantic partners as well -- that may be asking to much right now. I don't know. I am hoping her mother skills are better than the romantic partner skills. Sigh.

You do not have to get ugly -- but find out about a fast, quick, clean split. Perhaps with a mediator? Get you through and OUT of the Time of Suckage without dragging in on.

But you do have to look out for YOUR health. Staying with a chronic lying, cheating person? That's def no good for your mental/emotional health. I can only hope our physical health is not at risk. Get yourself tested.

It is going to suck. It is a Time of Suckage. But Time? It has the habit of going by no matter what.

In due time I hope you find peace and feel a whole lot better in yourself and not under so much burden. Reach out for that place... a Place of Truly Better and Less Burden. For all of you.

Hang in there. I know it is hard to feel right now.

Namaste,
GG

I really appreciate this. Probably the most helpful thing on here.

I deviated from this forum simply because the idea of poly was her trying to get the okay to keep doing what she was doing. She has no desires to have a real poly relationship.

She's in rehab at the moment. I don't know how things look a month from now, but it's giving us that necessary separation for me to make a clear and concise decision. She is desperately wanting to reconcile at some point and her counselors are validating that. Being that they have a lot more experience than I, I'm sure they could see through her bullshit. They say she's sick and almost everyone that comes through, has cheated on their SO in some way or form which is tied to the addiction and lack of self esteem.

Doesn't make things easier, but it helps me understand it.

Besides... she affaired WAY down. I have tracked down and talked to all the guys already, and only one could even make eye contact. They're all sad, pathetic nobodies who were more or less used by her, and that's the truth. Addiction and the shit it makes your brain think about yourself... it's nasty.

With that said, I won't be posting on here anymore. Thanks to everyone for their input, and good luck with everything in your lives.