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Old 10-14-2012, 07:50 AM
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jones jones is offline
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I can't understand the specific pain of your situation, but I can understand the dynamic. It's frustrating as hell to be open and clear about your wants and needs, only to be told you're being 'dramatic'. When you keep talking and aren't being heard - or worse, are being completely blown off - it's natural to be hurt and angry. Having been through similar, all I can offer is that it gets better. That's not meant to be trite - it really and truly does.
thanks for replying, I am a very open person, if I have a problem I will talk about it, J is saying she can't see g without me and her bf getting upset ( I can't speak for b although we use to spend time together when j and g were together and he use to be upset.) my problem was g was in NRE so ignoring me for just cuddles or kisses when he got back from her.

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Either j will realize she misses you and will resume contact, or you will eventually heal and allow yourself to grow from the experience. No one - and I mean no one - can 'make' or 'force' a partner to listen attentively and caringly to your concerns and be willing to make behavioral changes. Either j is willing to change her behavior out of love and concern for you, or she isn't. Some people feel asking a partner for behavioral changes is a form of control. I do not. We all have things we need from relationships, and asking a partner to meet those needs takes a great deal of courage. Regardless of the outcome, you asked. That takes strength. You will find a partner worthy of that strength eventually - be it j or someone else.
I have seen texts she has sent g, she has been talking to him but only one message to me, again the texts are the only way we can talk as we can't force them to meet us despite asking b if we can see them. I can't do this with J anymore, she says she can't have her life without g no speak about me, it hurts so much, I can't be with someone who hurts me like this and won't even talk to me.

thanks for listening and talking to me.
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  #12  
Old 10-14-2012, 08:17 AM
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I am sorry you are hurting.

You do not state what you need in specifics. You only say "please talk to me!" so I will talk. I see you. I see your pain. I will also say this -- "don't take on extra baggage! Reduce your own stress!"
hi thanks for replying, sorry I have no one to talk to this about, all I want to do is talk to them both but they won't talk to me just j is talking to g which hurts and shows me she cares about losing him more. she told me she only dated me because she felt she had to so she could date g. I feel everything was a lie, our first date, the first time I told her I loved her, everything was a lie on her side.

YES. It sucks! Breaking up is going to suck for a time. It is the Time of Suckage. *hug*

I can only share my limited perspective on this situation. Here is what I see. I do not know if it will help you.

If B & J have a personal limit of only dating couples? It is not YOU preventing G dating J. It is THEIR couple limit. Is G shooshing his disappointment on you inappropriately? If so, it is NOT YOU who has imposed the limit. If G wants to date J, G must tell J this. Is G doing it? If you are doing it for G because of fear of G blaming you? G is out of line not wanting to do G's own work directly. You could learn to say "No. I will not do your work for you."

G has said he bets I am happy now she is gone( which is not true) I have told them both this. J text saying I don't want them to see each other in fact I encourage it despite everything she has put me though.

G is telling her this but she says if she chooses G her bf might leave her. (again nothing about me)

I am doing it because I want g to be happy as I know how much he loves her and I love him so much i am willing to lose her to have him be happy but I am scared yes, I am worried if he loses her and b is blaming me he will resent me ( g has said this won't happen and I do make him happy)

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If J wants to date G, it is on J tell G this. Then to renegotiate that couple limit with B. Still not your baggage to hold. It is J's job to do. Are you doing it for J? How come? You could learn to say to J "I will not do your work for you. Approach G direct."
I have told j to talk to b but she won't or can't, I am stepping away if j, g and b come to a way to make it work then great but I am not going to be apart of it anymore, to many lies, hurt and betrayal to keep seeing them. I can't emotionally carry on.

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If B has a grievance about your "dramatics" -- well, B is not wanting to talk. You cannot get the verify right now. Is it possible B means "you do not give people emotional space to do their work in? You take things on your plate that are not your baggage to hold?"
when things have got hard b just calls for a break and won't talk to us, b never talks about his feelings, I have got him to open up a few times but not even J can get him to open up, b has his own problems and is using me and has left me feeling crappy, like I am the blame for everything. you are right hun this is b problem and I can't take it on, not anymore.

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Do not do serious relationship maintaining work by cel phone text. Most of what communication does is not oral or written -- it's the paraverbal. You miss a huge chunk of the party if you do not get this part. That IS some of your baggage to hold here in conflict resolution within this polyship. You choose to engage in the texting arena. You could choose to not text. You could choose tell the person texting you "This is serious relationship convo. I cannot text this. Please make phone appointment (ok choice) or face time appointment. (best)"
we have tried to get them both to see us and talk but they won't so I can't force them to see us, g is texting j so I am sure he will sort something, as I said I can't do it anymore.

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Why are you and G not arranging for a babysitter? So you can go out as 2 adult couples then? It is not B & J's problem to arrange your babysitter for you.

If a couple date is desired and no sitter is found, why are B & J not informed of the realities of child management? "Well, guys, if you want to go out we are up for it. But it has to be family friendly style cuz we have the kids along. You know what that means, right? You still game?"

If they are not parents themselves they may not know what it means or see when/how they are being clueless. This is on BOTH you and G to alert them to the reality of life with children. Couples can do family dates but they need to know what it is to hang out en famille.

Is G shooshing the whole childcare job on you? When are you allowed fun on these couple dates then? Since the couple will only see you as a couple. (Their limit.) If the kids have a need to be watched carefully on couple dates,the parents must do this for their offspring. What is the co-parent G's responsiveness to this need? You are willing to do your share of the kid watching. Is G willing to do G's share of the kid watching?
our normal babysitters are b and j as we have no family in the area, they don't have children and b doesn't understand that we have children and can't drop anything. G is a fab dad and takes turns with me to look after them but he does get more time to go out and has had many dates with j well I stay at home.

This is adding to your stressy. Not taking away from it. You have pretty much said all there is to say -- that you are willing to sort things out.

You could back off now. You did your bit. Wait. (Vent here if you have to in the waiting time rather than texting vent stuff over there cloduing the issues. Do not ADD to the problem. Could strive to take away from the problem.)

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Since you are willing to back off and have J & G date without you? Why are you not willing to back off and let G sort this business out with J? Let G own their emotional baggage instead of doing the work for G?
mostly because g wants me to talk to j for me, to work out our things but I don't feel like there is anything to work out anymore.

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Let it be what it will be. It's hard to FEEL. But it is VERY easy to do. Just decide to keep your nose clean and do all you could do in this case. Have you done it? Yup. Now stand back and wait and see.

Why are you not willing to let it be right now? What is your need not going met so that you CAN be willing to let it be right now and wait patiently?
I have said a lot of points to b and j, time for them to think over them and if they think I am worth keeping then they will work though it but I am no longer talking to them over text about this. I am waiting for the hope time will heal if not I have to get over this break up.

Hang in there!
GalaGirl[/QUOTE]

thanks so much for talking to me and making everything clearer xxxx
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Last edited by jones; 10-14-2012 at 08:19 AM.
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