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Old 10-14-2012, 02:46 AM
PhilosophicallyLost's Avatar
PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 47
Default Time management is becoming a nightmare

It's been a while since I posted...primarily because of the issue mentioned in the title.

There are many challenging things going on right now in my relationship with Y and E, but time management is frustrating me the most right now.

Let me start off by saying I'm an introvert, and Y and E are extroverts. My eldest brother once told me, "Extroverts recharge by talking with others, while introverts recharge by spending some time alone." From my experiences I believe this to be true in a lot of cases. So when I describe what's bothering me this is a big point to keep in mind....

As our forray into poly has progressed, Y and E are vying for my time. Constantly. E is in NRE mode, while I think Y is in "protect his interests" mode.

Before my work schedule changed, Y would complain that one of my days off was also on one of E's days off. Now that the work schedule changed and I have both my days off with Y's days off, E is now complaining. I really don't have a whole bunch of power over my schedule, but when I suggested I spend Sunday morning with E every other week, I was attempting to compromise. I wanted to have a day other than work days with E when I'm exhausted after an eight hour workday. Despite that, Y is not happy with the idea at all and thinks E gets plenty of time with me.

Thing is, if I were really to divide all of my free time outside of work fully to the both of them, with no me time, and assuming I'm getting enough sleep, I would get 8-12 hours with E per week and 30 with Y. I know Y does not see it this way, but I do. Y sorta uses up a lot of our time together doing things away from me, which complicates the matter even more. I get home from work, if I'm lucky, at 6 pm everyday and need to be in bed by 9. Depending on E's schedule I may get anywhere from two to four of my work nights with him and THAT'S it. I get all day Friday and Saturday and the first half of Sunday with Y. I am irritated that Y shows issue with me wanting ONE half day with E. His attitude is that E should accept that I'm married to Y and thus he has to deal with not getting as much time. On top of this I call Y every day at lunch and I come to sleep with him almost every night. I can't really blame E for what's to follow.

E is very unhappy with the lack of time we've had. He's constantly pushing to have more time with me, to the point that my sleep gets sacrificed often. When I tell Y I want more me time, he has no issue with me telling E I want more me time on a weekday, as if it should be simple for him to deal with that. I really think I should be cutting more in Y's time with that, but I don't feel very confident that he'd take it that well because E just gets soooooo much time with me. E is constantly begging me to stay longer, to wake him up when I'm getting ready for work, etc. These requests on E's part are starting to wear me down too. I am fighting to keep both of them happy on the time front while pretty much sacrificing what I want to do with my time.

So, my feelings on the situation are this: Y is really seeing E in a rivalrous sort of way in a way I don't feel is healthy for a poly relationship. I have emphasized two times that instead of focusing what time I have with E, Y should be focusing on making sure I am meeting his specific needs. Yet Y continues to compare his time with me with E's. Y sometimes acts because I'm married to him, he has certain rights and privileges to me. I agree with that on some fronts because he is the primary, but that doesn't mean the secondary's voice shouldn't be heard too.

In addition to this, E and Y are not on the best of terms right now. E is not respecting some of Y's boundaries (or mine) very well at times, partially due to his ADD and NRE, and Y has been building resentment against E over a huge ranges of issues for about two months now. I am very frustrated with Y not making it a priority to talk to E and work things out. I'm to the point of telling Y every few days, "You need to talk to E," because it's clear to me Y is not prioritizing it properly and it's making things worse. (Y has a huge problem with prioritizing on various fronts.)

To add to this dynamic, we all share a mutual friend named L. He has been Y's best friend for a long time. He's privy to our relationship and is someone for Y to talk to and confide in. L is very non-judgmental of me, but is very judgmental of E. When Y complains about E, L pretty much takes Y's side in most things. I fear this may be fueling Y's feelings in that he's right on most of his feelings when I think the cases are more grey than black and white like that.

Don't get me wrong; E deserves some of the criticism. He has a tendency to be selfish, and at a time when Y is feeling very insecure about his marriage, having his "rival" be selfish is an affront to Y. I know E doesn't mean it that way, but that's how it comes across. E has been a bit a poor room mate in terms of cleaning up after himself and taking Y seriously when Y wants him to improve in an area. Some of this is because Y comes across really aggressive, so E gets defensive and a pissy testosterone increase in both of them ensues. Also, when E asks us if we'll do something with him/for him, and we say no, he does not take no for an answer. He will plead with us another three, four, five times until either Y or I snaps at him that NO, we don't want to. He seriously does this in everything.

He asked me if I'd try squirrel. Told him no at least four times. He did the same to Y. He wants to go to Alaska next year. Asked Y and I at least twice individually and I know it won't be the last. If E really wants something he does not like not getting his way.

Grah....sorry, this came out like a rant. The main matter is, because of this crazy juggling act and issues with transitioning into poly, I am frankly stressed out. I would love to do what *I* want at least twice a week, and the two of them want to pretty much do what they want. I am to the point that I hardly feel considered and it almost pushes me to the point of wanting to be single instead of poly. I feel like a commodity to them instead of a person. I'm tired of the two of them fighting and not really trying in earnest to work their individual shit out.

Sad thing is, Y has said he's come to understand the poly a lot better with me, ever since he had a sorta fling with this girl online. He just can't stand E apparently. They had issues with their friendship before poly and they've just magnified tremendously since poly started. If they can't work it out, E will probably have to move out, or we'll move into another place without him and I will be forced to date him in a different setting. This isn't necessarily ALL bad, but there are things that will be lost if we do that.

Also, we live in a cramped two bedroom apartment and one of Y's boundaries is that E cannot show affection to me when Y is in the apartment, except in E's room. Given that Y is always home asleep (he works night shift) when I come home from work, this REALLY limits what E and I can really do together. Living apart might actually give E and I more privacy, AND not risk E crossing Y's boundaries so much with the affection bit. Also they are fighting over Y's TV all the time and Y is reasonably pissed that E hasn't gotten his own TV yet. No matter what we do someone is sleeping at the apartment so it's like we have to be quiet with our activities no matter what, so maybe living separately would be a happier arrangement. Still, I can't help feeling that E really loses out in that.....his ideas of spending the rest of his life with me is severely altered by me having to visit two different homes.

Anyway....I guess I just want perspective, a slap to the face, and suggestions for how to work on all of this, or if I'm crazy for thinking there is still a way to work all of this out.
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Me: K, female, 27. Married to Y for over 4 yrs (male, monogamous, 33). Opened relationship to E (male, monogamous, 27) in a relationship vee.
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