Blogging, blogging, blogging.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina

Really, two days in a row?

- That cracked me right up! Poor, lucky you - Hilarious.

JaneQ

[CattivaGattina]

My head is spinning and I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I know I'm not important which makes me replaceable, I hate how the world (everyone else, responsibilities, promises) disappear just because she calls and wants to talks.

I can't handle these pains but the though of leaving him kills me inside.

[CattivaGattina]

So I forgot over the weekend my mother enjoys to eavesdrop on things that don't concern her. I was discussing with Woodsmith what my fears have been since Sunday about my relationship with Primal and she figured out that I'm in multiple relationships.

Didn't take it as bad as I feared... but she keeps going in a circle that I don't know how to break her out of and explain things are okay to her. It's the whole but you're committed to Woodsmith right? Then you can't be committed to these other people. And when I say I am, that means I'm not committed to Woodsmith.

*facepalm*

[CattivaGattina]

If this post makes no sense I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this any more. It kills me how much I hurt when I acknowledge that I'm no where near the level of importance to any of them as they are to me. But the thought of removing them from my life, not sharing my life and theirs devastates me. I've even done that whole flip a coin to make a decision not because you do what the coin says but because as it's in the air you know what to do and I don't.

I almost took more of Lamian's kolonopin this morning, that would have been the second time in a week. But somehow I managed to push through without doing that or grabbing a knife to decorate my skin.

Woodsmith wants us to all have a family talk. He said it's not right that I'm getting this hurt because I'm the only one of the group who isn't selfish and thinks more and first about what is best for them than for me. I don't even see the point of that anymore. There's been times in which someone in the group has stated either "x,y, and z hurts me" or "I need a,b, and c" and while those might be followed for a little bit eventually the same patterns start up again.

I've started writing letters to all of them. Haven't yet to my parents and don't know if I will. If I get them finished tonight maybe I'll either have gotten all the pain out that I'm okay or they'll be delivered as my goodbye.

I wish I knew what do and how to get through this.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina

If this post makes no sense I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this any more...

I almost took more of Lamian's kolonopin this morning, that would have been the second time in a week. But somehow I managed to push through without doing that or grabbing a knife to decorate my skin...

I've started writing letters to all of them. Haven't yet to my parents and don't know if I will. If I get them finished tonight maybe I'll either have gotten all the pain out that I'm okay or they'll be delivered as my goodbye.

I wish I knew what do and how to get through this.

It sounds like you are in a scary, scary place. PLEASE do not do anything rash or make drastic decisions while you are in this state.

Call someone, anyone, to come and be with you - your present state of mind does not sound safe, you need to share these feelings with a real live person, not just some anonymous strangers on the internet - we care (yes, we DO), but we can't hold you....

You have people that care about you. Yes, you are having problems but, even if your brain in its current state doesn't admit it, problems have solutions. But you won't be able to find them if you don't take care of yourself - your safety and mental health - FIRST.

Jane("Anonymous-But-Caring-Internet-Stranger")Q

[CattivaGattina]

I've been talking with them a little bit. It's sometimes hard to phrase things in spoken word as well as I can in written.

I stopped working on the letters that I had going and am starting to pull back together. Thankfully I see my therapist tomorrow and my psychiatrist on the 1st.

I also saw a meme on FB that I liked about sometimes you need to fall apart to have things fall together.

[CattivaGattina]

Feel the darkness coming back. I need cuddles. Realized it's been nearly a week since I've felt like I've been meaningfully touched with love. Is it so much to ask that I get at least a few moments of just curled up in my loves arms a day just to help me stay connected?

[CattivaGattina]

I am my own primary. Why is believing and living those 5 words so hard? Why can't I express what I need or want out of someone? Why do I let any changes that have me losing something happen without a fight? I'm done. I don't know yet with what but somehow I need to be done.

[CattivaGattina]

Apparently the letter writing is continuing. And I wish I had someone that I could have hold me. I hide this from my friends and parents as much as I can. And none of my pod really cares.

They don't want to touch me, they push me aside for anything and everything else.

I just hope if I get all my hurt onto paper that somehow it stops. If it doesn't then I honestly don't know what my next step is. I made a contract with my therapist not to do anything, so I guess all I'd do is fester.

[CattivaGattina]

I've realized I don't feel safe asking for what I need much less want. I feel that even if I was to say either of those no one would care to try and provide me with things.

Because of that I don't even know anymore what I want or need.