What are your poly relationship rules?

[LoveBomb]

First of all, let me clarify something.

Originally Posted by LoveBomb

Agreements are made in response to the rules. For example:

Rule 1: Be Honest with one another
Rule 2: Don't keep secondary relationships a secret
Rule 3: Talk about your feelings, especially any jealousy
Rule 4: Maintain an open dialogue and strong communication
Rule 5: Respect each other's feelings and work together towards resolving issues
etc.

It seems that many of you have taken this passage of mine completely out of context. I was illustrating a point with it, not suggesting that people should make these rules explicit. I agree that these things are completely necessary for a healthy relationship. I brought those up to illustrate that "agreements" between people come from a foundation of mutually accepted "rules".

Those of you who claim that they don't have rules are straight up not paying attention. You DO have rules, you just don't think about them because you and your partner accept those rules implicitly. Is it okay with you if your partner dates people without telling you? No? Then that's a rule. Implicit or otherwise it IS a rule. Those of you who claim that there are no rules in your relationship are quite simply lying to yourselves. There are certain kinds of behaviour that you will not accept from your partner (or if you accept everything your partner does, regardless of how it makes you feel, then you're probably a doormat). If there's something that your partner might do that is a deal breaker for you, then YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIP RULES.

Relationship rules are important with ANY relationship. You may not define them as "rules" in the context of your relationships, but if you discuss a topic and come to an agreement regarding how to behave within the context of that topic, you have created a new rule within your relationship. You may not call it a rule specifically, but a mutual agreement that defines how people should behave is a rule whether you like it or not.

Yes, it's implicit that everyone respect one another within a relationship. Nobody goes into a relationship intending on disrespecting their partner. But HOW you go about respecting that person is WILDLY different from relationship to relationship. Someone with the best of intentions can end up disrespecting their partner without realizing it because the offender is oblivious that what they have done is disrespectful. Respect within a relationship is a RULE, pure and simple. How each person defines that rule is what requires open communication.

I, for one, have made it explicitly clear to my wife that she is free to explore feelings with other people, but if she ever meets someone that she really likes and wants to pursue a relationship with that person, then all I ask is that she talk to me about it. I made that explicit to her so that she knows that she can talk to me about it without worrying about how I might react.

It seems like a lot of people here really dislike the word "rules" as though they are meant to control someone. They aren't. They really aren't. They are in place to define boundaries and limits to what can be done within a relationship. Without rules (whether implicit or explicit) disrespect, pain, and heartbreak is INEVITABLE. That's because rules naturally arise within a relationship through an active dialogue between partners. They go hand in hand. By talking to your partner, you define the relationship with that person, which inherently defines the rules of the relationship.

[BoringGuy]

then what is the purpose of your question? if you're assuming that everyone wants to respect each other? you're talking in circles.

[GalaGirl]

So, an absence of rules specifying that you respect your partner and treat them well implies that it's ok to disrespect your partner and treat them poorly?

It is never ok to treat your partner poorly.

And, having rules specifying that your partner treat you well and respect you is supposed to PREVENT them from disrespecting you and treating you poorly?

No. I do not control their behavior. I can only control mine. It's not about preventing them from disrespecting me or treating me poorly.

For me? It's about being on the same page and about willingness to be held accountable. Are you willing to hold ME accountable if I step on your toes? Are you willing for me to hold YOU accountable if my toes get stepped on?

If all this is obvious to them -- yay. We share a laugh and trade dating horror stories over drinks.

If they hem and haw over such basics -- that's telling me all I need to know. Not a serious player, I can pull out now before I get in too deeply involved. *shrug*

If it is someone in between those two things -- well, let's try it and see. And when conflict comes up, it's easy enough to point to agreement they agreed to when there's a calling into account needed.

"Why are you fussing at me that I went to the concert without you? Did you give me the right to responsiveness? I said tell me you want to come by Friday, and I'll buy enough tickets for the group. You said maybe on Monday. I emailed to be sure Wednesday. Nothing Friday -- come and gone. So I let it go and I moved forward without your input. I buy tix Saturday -- none for you. I cannot mind reader you. So you have to own this one. How is it me being "inconsiderate" to you? Did I check in? Yes. Did you respond and give me the right to responsiveness? No."

That keeps it on the measurable actions done/not done rather than derailing into personalities -- "You are not nice, you are inconsiderate, you are too sensitive..."

If you have ever watched other people or experienced it yourself -- conflict going round and round in circles? Oy. Headache.

So much easier to point to agreement and note actions done/not done. There. Everyone holds their own baggage.

Hell, I'm not perfect. Maybe it is ME that needs to be called into account. It's happened before!

Maybe they have a passive style -- I'm very assertive. But if they can just point to agreement -- "Dude, GG! Where is my clear communication you promised me?" then they can move on to feeling better faster. Because I will own it right away and go "Oops! You are so right! I did not realize it seemed that way to you. My bad! I apologize. Can I make it up to you?"

When we are first learning each other in dating -- a passive style personality could be cowed by my temperment. I'm trying to give them a leg up by giving them a tool to use I know that I will respond to. Print the thing, highlight the one, leave it on my desk (or email it and CAPS THE ONE you are talking about) and I'll come find you and sort it out when I see it. There. Easy passive personality route to STILL get the thing solved. You don't have to be all confrontational if that bugs ya. I still like ya how you are. But we move past this kerfuffle in a constructive way.

Because isn't the goal for both to be in harmonious relationship together?

GG

[BoringGuy]

people are held to such higher and sometimes ridiculous standards when orgasms (or lack thereof) are involved. "just sayin"

[GalaGirl]

people are held to such higher and sometimes ridiculous standards when orgasms (or lack thereof) are involved. "just sayin"

Too sleepy. Please clarify.

GG

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Too sleepy. Please clarify.

GG

Get some sleep and re-read.

BG

[Tonberry]

I think it's good to have principles, rules, whatever you call them. But I also think that out of this list...

Rule 1: Be Honest with one another
Rule 2: Don't keep secondary relationships a secret
Rule 3: Talk about your feelings, especially any jealousy
Rule 4: Maintain an open dialogue and strong communication
Rule 5: Respect each other's feelings and work together towards resolving issues

...rules 2-4 are just rule 1 narrowed down to a more specific context. And it seems to me rule 5 follows from rule 1 as well, although less directly. So I don't see a point in making a whole list that's just one basic principle repeated over and over again.

It's great if it helps you, of course. It's just not something I think is really necessary.

[rory]

I find it funny that a thread where a person asks about people's rules has turned into a lengthy debate over whether rules are needed. Why not just skip if you have nothing to add about the topic?

I don't use the word rules, but I do have expectations from my partners, and I aim to act the same way towards them
- honesty
- love; caring about and liking each other
- respect
- communication
- autonomy; space and support for leading happy and fulfilling lives outside of the relationship
- intimacy
- support in hardship
- consideration
- connection

[nycindie]

Personally, I object to having rules, per se, in my relationships, although I accept that others feel the need for them and I have even made suggestions to people here for types of rules to employ. What I prefer is to have my own personal boundaries. This is simply a standard by which I want to be treated. But I don't like the idea of setting rules.

Even if I were in a very entwined, committed primary relationship, as opposed to the more casual intimate friendships in which I currently engage -- I would object to the idea of establishing a list of do's and don't's that my partner(s) must follow.

The reason for my objection is basically along the lines of what AutumnalTone posted earlier in the thread - and that is, as an adult who engages in relationships with other adults, anyone who needed a set of rules dictated by me in order to keep their behavior in check is not the type of person I would ever choose to become involved with!

I mean, come on, man - I have to tell you not to lie to me? I have to tell you to respect me? And if I don't tell you, you will try and get away with all manner of shit because I didn't lay it all out for you in black and white? WTF? How old are you?

So, for me, I would rather state my boundaries: "I will not tolerate lies," "I will not be in relationship with someone who is cheating on their partner," "I will not hold my schedule open for someone who doesn't confirm a date within X amount of time," or "I will always use condoms," RATHER THAN give someone rules: "you must not lie to me," "don't be a cheater," "You must confirm our dates within X amount of time," or "use condoms at all times." In my view, my stance is that I am taking care of me, and this is fundamentally different from laying out rules for another person to follow and then waiting for them to either obey me or fuck up.

And I do feel that everybody in a relationship, whether mono, poly, partnered, solo, secondary, FWB, primary, or whatever, should have their own set of personal boundaries.

Having my own set of personal boundaries rather than writing up a list of rules, as I see it, gives the person with whom I am in relationship his own agency. With regard to how he interacts with me, he has choice. If he knows I don't tolerate lies, and he wants to be with me, he won't lie. Of course, as an example, there may be times when things are unclear and someone might think they have to hide something not to be hurtful, and so I would say, "You don't have to hide that from me, I prefer you tell me what's going on," but telling someone that we have to have a rule not to lie seems kind of juvenile to me. Another example: if he gets back to me very late regarding a date we were planning and finds out I made other plans because I hadn't heard back from him in time, then he knows what choice to make if he wants to spend time with me. It's simple.

As an example, I have a friend (I use the alias Cranky for him in my blog thread) who has a personal boundary that he will not wait more than 15 minutes for anyone he agrees to meet somewhere. I know that if we have plans to get together, I have to be on time or no longer than 15 minutes late if I want Cranky to wait for me. He never dictated to me, "You must not be later than 15 minutes when we meet!" -- he just knows what he will and will not tolerate, and I found out one day when I was 20 minutes late, and he wasn't there. I later asked him why, and he told me his personal policy. So, now I know it's up to me to be responsible if we get together, but he isn't going to get all angsty if I'm too late or bitch at me because I broke a rule -- he simply goes off and takes care of himself. If a few more instances occur where I am over 15 minutes late, he will cease to make plans with me. We both acknowledge this boundary and act in ways that take care of ourselves and each other.

But rules -- egad, how many threads we have here are devoted to "He/she broke a rule - what do I do?!! I'm so hurt - how can we heal?" Blecch.

I do not wish to police anyone I'm in a relationship with, nor hang all my expectations on them to be what I want him to be. Cross my boundaries, and you're either out of the picture or we discuss it and move forward, depending on what the boundary was, but setting down rules for a grown-up to follow in order to know how to behave? Hell, no.

[BoringGuy]

Actually, I just thought of a rule that my domestic partner has with their other SO. That rule is - the topic of myself and Spouse breaking up is not up for discussion. This is OSO's first "serious" non-cheating relationship with a person who is already in a relationship. Spouse made it explicit to OSO that this is not some "transitional period" such as people sometimes do when they're in the process of becoming un-involved. OSO is "not allowed" to badger or suggest to Spouse that Spouse and I ought to break up.

However, this is not something I required or asked Spouse to do. It is something Spouse did of their own accord because that's how it is.