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Old 10-12-2012, 11:04 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I suppose I may as well use this thread. This first part isn't poly related so much, though when poly is involved it can sure be more of a problem.

Adam started seeing a counselor every two weeks, the one most often recommended by poly people in Seattle whenever anybody asks for suggestions. Today is his 4th visit. Two weeks ago was supposed to be his 4th visit, but she forgot to write it down and double booked, so he had to turn around and leave when he got there. Right now I'm hovering between amused and pissed off. I was chatting to him via IM at work, and at 12:43 I said "So your appointment is at 2?" and I get back "oh shit its at 1 today, gotta go!"

Last month there was a thread on scheduling or something, I made my response and it prompted a discussion with Adam about how I didn't like being the schedule keeper/mother for his dates, appointments, plans. He didn't have any proactive suggestions for making changes (which is normal for him), just listened to my concerns, said he'd "try".

So since then it's gotten worse instead of better. Last night we were having a discussion about upcoming plans, and it turned out in this three week period. He's got an all gaming tomorrow and three work events (all scheduled on our Friday date nights) and 2 counselor appointments (all scheduled on our date nights since he works half days Friday so he doesn't have to miss work), none written in Google calendar or our paper calendar. He'd mentioned all of them to me, just not written them down anywhere. I like knowing the plans because it affects me - whether its dinner prep or a better chance to go catch up with friends where it wont affect us hanging out. Also my bf Brian & my sister know Friday's our date night, so if they were available to hang out, wouldn't mention it since that's supposed to be my never-free time. I don't like keeping a day off limits to making other plans then having him schedule things during it.

So I'm upset that he missed probably 1/3 of his session, and if I hadn't mentioned anything he would've missed it totally. It just doesn't seem... adult to have to do what I consider "micromanaging" him. I know my choices are
1. stay out of it totally and let him forget and miss plans (and rack up $100 payments for missed appointments left and right) which isn't a viable option financially. However it is my preferred option. I'd like to think if he didn't have me as a fallback reminder he'd find a way on his own to take charge of his calendar, right now he seems dependent on being reminded of things, one week I didn't remind him it was the night to put out the garbage, and I spent the night with Brian, and came home and he hadn't put it out, even though it's been the same night for 5 years, it's backed up by it being on my date night with Brian for the last 1.5 years, and well..all the neighbors put their garbage out so that should help too. But he said since I didn't remind him it just didn't occur to him.

2. remain irritated when he remembers last minute that he has something he has to do that impacts me, write down his stuff on MY calendar, remind him of medical and dental appointments to make sure it's on his work schedule so he doesn't book a meeting during them, then remind him the day before/day of to make sure he remembers to get there on time. (pretty much what we do now)

3. try to happily & non resentfully take on all the scheduling, if he mentions something, write it down, and remind him about it as needed and the day before (and in some cases of) the event. make it something I want to do so I don't get resentful about it.

There are probably other options, but those are probably the three most practical ones. I think what is bugging me most is last month when we talked about it I offered #3 to him, but he said he was going to try to manage his own things, and it seemed pushy to insist otherwise. I don't WANT to have reasons to be upset when I could turn it into something that it makes me happy to do FOR my partner instead. I admit a more awesome human would just do #3 and not even point it out to Adam, but I'm not that awesome, I want him to verbally agree that it is going to be my job to keep track of that stuff. Largely because it feels like being "mom" and I want to make sure he isn't resenting me being "mom". A small part is probably that I like crystal clear agreements and I'm like a dog with a bone until I feel everybody is on the same page. I want agreements to be made by both people, not unilaterally, which is what things usually default to since Adam doesn't have much of an opinion about most things. This isn't serving me so well in agreement making though, since I'm B&W and he's grey which is why he keeps finding ways out of abiding by B&W agreements. I'm working on becoming more grey accepting, especially since he can't seem to think of any suggestions for more grey friendly agreements to ask me to agree to so

Nevertheless I'm going to just state that it's #3 from now on. I brought down the second calendar for his scheduling, and will stand there with him today and make sure all current things are written on it. From now on I'll go write down something immediately if he mentions it, and I'll have MY google calendar remind me to check up on if his tentative plans have been confirmed or not.

I took care of the scheduling things on our date nights (mostly) by saying he needed to keep at least 2 Fridays a month free of appointments be it counseling or work events. He works for a game company, and these events are at other gaming/tech companies in the area. He is the one initiating the networking happening, so it's certainly within his control how often he makes them happen. I'm guessing I wasn't clear enough with what my expectations are since well...he never seems to understand just what it was he was agreeing to the first time, so I suppose a follow up conversation is called for.

Well shit, I must have too much time on my hands, this was long.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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