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  #481  
Old 10-11-2012, 12:50 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I know it happens, they tell me it happens, but I never really believe them... That whole notion that you can meet your life partner so young and somehow "know" they're the right person, without being with any other people and seeing what you like and despise in a relationship.
Well, I was "with" plenty of people sexually before MrS and most of my friends were guys - and I "knew" I didn't want to be in a "relationship" with any of them! In fact, I didn't want to be in a "relationship" AT ALL, I fought it tooth-and-nail actually. (I had stuff I knew I wanted to DO with my life, I was skeptical about the whole concept of "romantic love", I thought most people wasted tons of time playing around with all of these silly "relationships" that were clearly just going to fail...etc.)

I guess I "knew" that MrS and I were right for each other because I found myself inadvertently involved in a relationship despite myself (I still tease him that he "tricked" me, when really, he just patiently waited until I figured it out for myself). I never had any "knight-on-a-white-horse" notions to get in the way - I'd rather have my own horse and lance, thank you. We had no delusions that getting married would change the other person or magically ensure a "happily-ever-after" - our lives were just happier and easier when the other person was in it.

I wasn't "looking for" a relationship when Dude came around either. It's not like I was "missing" anything in my life. I fought that one as well...I thought I could use my same "no attachment" strategy that worked so well in my late teens (until MrS). Wrong again. Turns out he is "right" for me too. (And my female FWBs are "right" for me, and my friends have been "right" for me - with one exception...) Maybe it's just that I am unwilling to be in ANY relationship that is NOT right for me?

JaneQ

PS. Sorry to write a novel, but the even longer version is detailed in my "Journey" blog here.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-11-2012 at 01:08 AM.
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  #482  
Old 10-11-2012, 01:10 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I met DH in our late teens. I kept on dating other people -- I did not have the word "polyamory" then but I told him point blank I was not seeking exclusive! We married in early 20s. So I knew. Shoot, I lived with him first to FIND OUT.

We at 20ish yrs now. Still going strong.

There's different kinds of maturity. The physical maturity and chronological maturity you get for FREE. Just by not being dead and making it to another bday.

The rest? Intellectual maturity, emotional maturity, social maturity, philosophical maturity? Those a person has to work on to develop for themselves.

So for a young adult person to be engaged and trying to work things out for themselves and their future life plan -- to me that's great! Trying to grow their other maturities and engage in serious thinking about a major life choice.

Like I said -- can always come to the end of the engagement period and decide "Um... I'm not ready yet" and just keep on dating their person and engage again later or break it off or do whatever it is they need at THAT checkpoint.

OP's feelings and thoughts while engaged are appropriate to the place OP is at to me. It's sounds normal.

GG
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  #483  
Old 10-11-2012, 02:03 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
.. we're still happily in love. Probably more so now than we were then.
Second that!

I thought that when MrS and I got married I loved him as much as I am capable of loving another person (although it took me 18 months into our "relationship" before I could even admit that I loved him) ...and I just keep loving him deeper and broader each year we are together. It just seems like as we grow to know each other more and more (there is a line from the Heinlein novel The Number of the Beast that reads: "We always marry strangers.") we become better able to BE the person that best complements the other; for example, he knows when I need something - quiet alone time, food (and what type), hugs, laughter, something old and comfortable (movie, book, music), something new and exciting, etc. even before I realize it myself.

There was a period of time when I was lost in NRE with Dude that I felt that "connection" waver (I think because I was not my usual self, so I wasn't giving him my usual cues). It was such a relief when the NRE wore off (at about 8 months, which is about the time that I could admit that I loved Dude too!) and our "connection" rushed back, to where he could seriously "read my mind" again (Dude is learning to do this as well, although I do occasionally have to remind myself that he doesn't have the years of practice that MrS does...and that we are "ahead of the curve" compared to where I was the first time around.)

Jane("Lucky-in-Love")Q
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-11-2012 at 02:12 AM.
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  #484  
Old 10-11-2012, 03:20 PM
YoungPoly YoungPoly is offline
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Woah, loads of responses! Sorry I didn't get back sooner, I've had a busy couple of days.

Firstly, thank you everyone for your replies, they've been a huge help towards making me feel better!

Secondly, I've come to the conclusion that it is just NRE that's making me have these worries, and the fact that I'd spent 4 days without leaving Sec's side, and hadn't seen Prim since I left.

GalaGirl, you'll be please to know that our engagement is indeed a long one! We don't have a specific engagement end date; we're both in our fourth year of uni (probably doing 5 years each) and then we're moving to Amsterdam for a year, so we probably won't get married till AFTER that (unless we just can't wait any longer and decide to do it in Holland or something)

I suppose one of the things that was getting me so upset (and still is) is the fact that I know there is an ticking clock for me and Sec. Follow up question: how do you guys deal with a relationship that you know is going to end at some point, if you've ever been in that situation?

It's pretty difficult for me and Sec at times, since we are so in love with each other. The problem is that he's mono, so now that he's fallen so hard for me, it's difficult for him knowing there's no real future for us in that way. It's hard for me too, because I'd love more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him in a monoship (but at the same time spend the rest of my life with Prim in a monoship - see the problem?)

I should also point out that though I have a Prim and a Sec, I've grown to consider Sec as more of a second primary... Oh, and in case you're wondering why there's a time limit on our relationship, it's because when we (me and Prim) first started talking about the possibility of a polyship, I made a promise that he would always be my primary, and that after a couple of years we'd become a proper monoship.

And Gala, thank you for your kind words about my maturity, and your congratulations on my engagement

JaneQ, thank you as well for your engagement story, I really enjoyed reading both of them!

[Prim just got home! I'll reply more later!]
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  #485  
Old 10-11-2012, 03:39 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungPoly View Post
how do you guys deal with a relationship that you know is going to end at some point, if you've ever been in that situation?

[...] It's hard for me too, because I'd love more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him in a monoship (but at the same time spend the rest of my life with Prim in a monoship - see the problem?)

I should also point out that though I have a Prim and a Sec, I've grown to consider Sec as more of a second primary... Oh, and in case you're wondering why there's a time limit on our relationship, it's because when we (me and Prim) first started talking about the possibility of a polyship, I made a promise that he would always be my primary, and that after a couple of years we'd become a proper monoship.

Ah dear, this could be a problem in the long run. As you already feel that it is upsetting you to eventually end this relationship with your Sec/Co-Prim I guess, if I take my own situation as some kind of basis of comparison, it will cause you even more hurt when you finally have to make that choice because of this agreement. I won't say anything in the direction of whether or not this is what you should do, but maybe you will reach a point where you won't feel able to stick to it and then you may want to reevaluate. I wasn't able to choose and had to talk to my husband to make this clear to him as well. (He and my second partner are mono as well, so it is possible to live like that without saying that this is something everyone can or wants to do. And they are what could be called Co-Primary )

I feared that my husband would try to make me choose one of them (before I talked to him) and I wasn't sure if this would have cause me to develop some resentment against him. If it comes down to this situation in your case in one or two years time (I don't know when you see the end of the current situation approaching ultimately) you may find yourself unable to choose as you promised. Maybe you should talk about that possiblity.

Aside from that, I never was in a relationship I regarded as 'finite' right from the start. Can't imagine to be in one as well, so I can't comment on that ^.^
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  #486  
Old 10-11-2012, 04:59 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Earlier this year, my secondary (though we don't use those terms), Wendigo, felt that he and I needed to take a break from our relationship out of the blue. At the time, he wasn't sure if it would be temporary or permanent. He was afraid he was neglecting his friendship with my husband, Runic Wolf. Wendigo is my best friend as well as Runic Wolf's and it was a shockinly painful was to end a triple date with my guys. I took a night to process, cried because my heart hurt and told him that I wasn't ready for us to be over. After a couple of weeks of him sorting his head out, letting go of his guilt, and spending time with Runic Wolf, he came back to me and pulled me into his lap and apologized in words and actions. Neither of us wants to let the other go, though we have always known that it won't last forever. We have agreed that we will always be friends and now that they work together and carpool, I am confident that their friendship is back on track.

As for what I do to cope? I focus on the here and now. I try not to plan too far ahead so that I am not disappointed. And I love with all my heart.
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  #487  
Old 10-11-2012, 07:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungPoly View Post
I suppose one of the things that was getting me so upset (and still is) is the fact that I know there is an ticking clock for me and Sec. Follow up question: how do you guys deal with a relationship that you know is going to end at some point, if you've ever been in that situation?
That is part of being human - EVERY relationship we have will end someday, whether by choice, circumstance, or death. It just takes acceptance that there are no guarantees in life and nothing last forever. A bit of existentialism can be very sobering.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungPoly View Post
I should also point out that though I have a Prim and a Sec, I've grown to consider Sec as more of a second primary... Oh, and in case you're wondering why there's a time limit on our relationship, it's because when we (me and Prim) first started talking about the possibility of a polyship, I made a promise that he would always be my primary, and that after a couple of years we'd become a proper monoship.
Polyship, monoship... huh? Nonsensical non-words. What does the phrase "proper monoship" mean to you?

So, you promised your primary that eventually you would agree to a monogamous relationship after a few years of polyamory - but you didn't expect to have such a wonderfully deep and intense relationship with your secondary, whom you now regard as a co-primary. It sounds like renegotiating your agreement with your first primary is the next step.

You know - you don't need to use a hierarchy at all, if it makes things too complex. Life doesn't always fit into neat little compartments like that!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #488  
Old 10-11-2012, 08:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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"All relationships come with a clock attached." John Cleese.

And it is true. All relationships end. Even "til death do us part" is an ending of a relationship. Or if your prefer -- a change in a relationship structure. You can still have a relationship in your head with loved one that passed away. Once upon a time, I was the MFM hinge. I married BF1.

My BF2 was long distance, monoamorous and struggled a lot initially. In fact, I told him not to sign up here -- I was not exclusive and the limitations of student budget and LDR -- well, it wasn't what he was hoping for. He tried. He kept coming back like moth to flame and he decided to try.

I told him if he signed up he had to own it and not get all stroppy with me because of situation. He signed up willingly. I'd give my best, but I can't help not having technologies to alleviate LDR pressures (so many more technologies today!) or budget to fly around. I would not promise what I could not keep -- this was NOT going to be exclusive. I did have another Honey. He had to realize what he was buying into here and accept the risks of jealousy and whatever. He signed on.

We enjoyed the time we had. The life up and downs. Laughs and tears. Isn't that what Life Shared is about?

Breaking up? Firm, fast, and because I loved him and wanted to set him free to pursue other local loves. I never promised exclusive. He was always a free agent, but he was monoamorously wired and struggled so best I cut it off them to let him be free to pursue. We were still friends, he dated. He did not understand my reasoning, but he dated. Later he called me up to thank me for having been loving and gentle on his heart. Now that HE had to break up with someone and the shoe on the other foot he could appreciate the other side. He could also appreciate the sacrifice. I put his best interest ahead of mine. We laughed, we cried. Best break up I ever had!

He was/is a great ex, I still think of him fondly and while I don't bother him in his universe, I do still ping him on the majors -- my wedding, birth of my kid, my father's illness. Call it once every 5-10 yrs?

DH notes that when I talk about him two decades later the smile STILL goes all the way to my eyes. He says he likes seeing that. So do I. That DH can enjoy that side of me -- compersion.

The BF2 relationship went from intense friends, to boyfriend, to intense friends to casual friends to lower volume "major news" contact. Who knows that the next few years bring -- he knows where I am at. I know where he is at. Life's Journey will be what it is. Maybe the volume will stay the same. Maybe for some reason the volume will go up. *shrug* I'm content to let it be what it will be.

Fearing FUTURE relationship changes is not a good reason to hold back on your love sharing TODAY. Enjoy each other and the time you have it in. Don't miss on the present worrying about the future. You can learn from past, plan for future to a degree -- but life is ever flowing change. We just surf it as it comes. Tell each other your Vulnerable, your worries, your fears. Love each other anyway. Do not promise what you cannot keep. Plan for your relationship ending so it can be a good one. All relationships come with a clock attached -- so accept and CHOOSE the ending you like the best! Then be secure and enjoy the present moment. The unfolding of Life and Love Shared with each other.

""Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Ferris Beuller.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-11-2012 at 08:29 PM.
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  #489  
Old 10-12-2012, 01:33 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Quote:
Fearing FUTURE relationship changes is not a good reason to hold back on your love sharing TODAY.
^Awesome. I will have to remember that one.
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  #490  
Old 10-26-2012, 08:54 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Default How long did NRE last?

I know it'll vary by person, but I'm curious how long it lasted for others?

I personally don't feel like I've experienced it with my friend at all. Quite possibly because I'm wary of the whole dating a married man setup to begin with, anyway, so that regardless of how much I enjoy his company (we're heading toward a year soon), I have never let my emotions run away regarding him.

But his emotions seem to be growing, if anything, and I wonder how much of what he's feeling and doing is NRE, if it'll disappear, and so on.
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