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  #41  
Old 10-02-2009, 12:43 PM
secondchance secondchance is offline
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I think that jealousy is a natural emotion and most people in any relationship have to deal with it. For me, I realize that the jealousy is usually due to my own insecurities. I am VERY insecure even when it comes to friendships. But I also think that jealousy is something to be dealt with and overcome, rather than given in to. I have never been in a poly relationship yet and I'm not sure how I'll do this until I'm in the situation, but honesty is key here. All partners involved should be able to discuss it with their partners. Working through the jealousy on my own is also a big thing for me, but that will be different for everyone. I know that my jealousy issues are caused by me 99% of the time, so if a partner is legitamately making it worse... I am not sure how I would deal with it. Honesty has been a huge thing for me lately so ideally I would stick with that, but who knows for sure...
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  #42  
Old 10-09-2009, 11:15 AM
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Funk2Lopez Funk2Lopez is offline
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Default What about jealousy or envy being depressing?

I love my husband. I love our girlfriend but I still get jealous of how much affection she shows him that I don't feel a part of.

Warning. I'm going to hijack this thread now and ramble a bit.

From day one she's felt a deep passion for him and claimed our passion would grow with time. It's been 10 months and I still feel like the third wheel some times to their passion. We all wanted a triad to begin with and sometimes it feels like that, but other times most definately does not feel that way to me. She doesn't live with us and couldn't even if we all wanted to, but we still talk about living closer to each other. She calls him our husband in private and public as well as saying we are a triad to people but all of what I hear is her love and passion for him. She says she loves me, but sometimes I just don't feel romantically loved by her, especially when she talks of when she first meet him and then me. We were to meet all at once, but due to circumstances, I had to drop him off at the meet up site, run an errand and pick them both up a half hour later. Some times I think we got off on the wrong foot but I can't seem to find my balance and keep stumbling. Fallen and hurt I lay there just wondering if she'll ever show me the passion I want to share with her but am scared to ask for. My irrational fears take hold and say "Don't push her, she may not ever feel that way or much for me. Don't wreck it for them. They love each other and it's not right to break them up over my irrational emotions that seem so self centered whenever I try to talk about them." He's told me I need to talk to her more about it all and I know I should but I'm still scared to aproach her about it. I have tried a couple of times and failed misserably. The words that came out of my mouth were not perfect and what she heard wasn't always what I had meant. Each time we manage to seem to resolve some of it a bit and stay together, but not the heart of the issue. I really love her and value her friendship but I want the romance too and I don't know how to initiate it with her. As she said, "it can't all be about the sex." But is romance and sex the same thing for her or what?

I don't want to loose her but sometimes I think a V is more of what we have. I suggested it already but was told a triad is what we have and want to have. If it was a V, then they could go on dates and I'll try to find a girlfriend for just me to be with while they are together. He's okay with me having a girlfriend but not a boyfriend. If I could have a boyfriend, I'd have one already. A girlfriend is way harder to find, for me anyways.

I bought three great books, Opening Up, Open, and The Ethical Slut, but I still haven't read any of them all the way through. I'm going to try to read them while on vacation and maybe they can help me figure things out.
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  #43  
Old 10-09-2009, 11:53 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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He can have a girlfriend but you can't have a boyfriend; you would have a boyfriend if he would "let" you.

That does not sound fair.

I'm glad I'm not you.
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  #44  
Old 10-09-2009, 01:43 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
He can have a girlfriend but you can't have a boyfriend; you would have a boyfriend if he would "let" you.

That does not sound fair.

I'm glad I'm not you.
It's funny how many men are fine with poly-so long as it's a "one dick fantasy".
My husband is the same way. I can have a girlfriend. We can share a girlfriend. But NO MEN. Luckily for me, I don't want another man. And he is ok with refraining from sex with a girlfriend unless I'm alright with it. If he was different-wanted a girlfriend but didn't allow me a boyfriend even if I wanted one-we'd have some serious issues.
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  #45  
Old 10-10-2009, 01:06 AM
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Funk2Lopez Funk2Lopez is offline
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I really only ever wanted one man in my life but if we do end up in a V I would like someone special to spend some time with while they are together. I have had several men interested in me but not women. I would like to have a girlfriend. I had a female friend with benefits. That arrangement only lasted a couple of months and ended suddenly when her marriage failed and she moved in with her sister in northern Washington. Way too far for my clunker of a car to drive to, to visit. So she and I are now pen pals. I have been open to having a girlfriend but I have not had any luck finding one.
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  #46  
Old 10-10-2009, 02:16 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funk2Lopez View Post
If it was a V, then they could go on dates and I'll try to find a girlfriend for just me to be with while they are together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funk2Lopez View Post
I really only ever wanted one man in my life but if we do end up in a V I would like someone special to spend some time with while they are together.
I'm a bit worried by both of these statements. Are you looking for a relationship because you want to open and enrich your heart or are you looking for something to do to keep your mind off of the time the other two spend together? The way you're describing it, it looks like you would want to find somebody to use as a distraction or as a way to replace the love you feel you're missing when your husband is with your girlfriend.

That situation would hold little appeal for any potential girlfriends that are seeking healthy relationships. There are certainly problems and imbalances that need to be solved in your situation. I don't think finding "your own girlfriend" is going to actually get you what you need. Work on the problem first, THEN think about bringing other people in.
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  #47  
Old 10-15-2009, 08:47 AM
dingding dingding is offline
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it is depends on what jealous that is,if that is jealous that make us more productive that is good,and when it move to other way arround avoid it
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  #48  
Old 12-03-2009, 03:44 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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Default Dealing with Jealousy in a PolyFamily

http://www.polyfamilies.com/polyjealousy.html

I liked this take on dealing with jealousy! These guys are pretty funny.

Maybe we could add other links to good articles on dealing with jealousy here? I know that Ceoli has posted a few on xeromag.com and I did before on lovemore.com
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  #49  
Old 12-15-2009, 10:54 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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Default jealousy

finding myself surprised by the level of insecurity and jealousy i am experiencing recently.
been with my lover 2 years. both had one night stands with other people now and then, he more than me, both openly talking about our feelings as we went along.
been talking about polyamory as in not being primary or having hierarchies of lover in any way, since the summer.
as of a month ago both have new lovers outside our relationship, and i am struggling big time.
i wanted this as much as he did, although i didn't so much go out looking for potential other lovers as he, i'm happy i met my new lover. trouble is i can't stop thinking about his lover.
i am noticing all the differences between my new lover and his, thinking his is more likely to become an emotionally intimate primary type relationship with her whereas my new lover and i will be more casual with each other.
i am comparing myself to her, his new lover, and using the comparisons to criticise myself on every level.
part of me doesn't want to be sexual with him even, kind of turned off by the "competition" that doesn't really exist except in my crazy head.
any advice people?

Last edited by dakid; 03-15-2010 at 09:38 PM.
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  #50  
Old 12-16-2009, 12:03 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post
been talking about polyamory as in not being primary or having hierarchies of lover in any way, since the summer.
as of a month ago both have new lovers outside our relationship, and i am struggling big time.
i wanted this as much as he did, although i didn't so much go out looking for potential other lovers as he, i'm happy i met my new lover. trouble is i can't stop thinking about his lover.
i am noticing all the differences between my new lover and his, thinking his is more likely to become an emotionally intimate primary type relationship with her whereas my new lover and i will be more casual with each other.
i am comparing myself to her, his new lover, and using the comparisons to criticise myself on every level.
part of me doesn't want to be sexual with him even, kind of turned off by the "competition" that doesn't really exist except in my crazy head.
any advice people?

As you may be aware, jealousy might be a sign of other issues... here are a couple of thoughts/ things to think about:

Do you think that you maybe do want to be a "primary" with him?

Can you Identify what sets you apart from her? reading this, it seems like there migh be security issues at play here? Maybe if you identified what was special about yourself and only you, you wouldn't feel so competitive.

Also - this might be obvious, but what do you really want? If what you want is to be in a relationship with him, then go for that... i.e. don't let your head play games with you and sabotage things. Find a way to be happy for him. I always go back to "be a friend first, lover second". This though usually puts me on the path I want to be on. If I treat people as friends I usually put both my needs and thier needs at the forefront, like I would my best platonic gal friends.
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communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

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