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Old 10-11-2012, 04:59 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
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Earlier this year, my secondary (though we don't use those terms), Wendigo, felt that he and I needed to take a break from our relationship out of the blue. At the time, he wasn't sure if it would be temporary or permanent. He was afraid he was neglecting his friendship with my husband, Runic Wolf. Wendigo is my best friend as well as Runic Wolf's and it was a shockinly painful was to end a triple date with my guys. I took a night to process, cried because my heart hurt and told him that I wasn't ready for us to be over. After a couple of weeks of him sorting his head out, letting go of his guilt, and spending time with Runic Wolf, he came back to me and pulled me into his lap and apologized in words and actions. Neither of us wants to let the other go, though we have always known that it won't last forever. We have agreed that we will always be friends and now that they work together and carpool, I am confident that their friendship is back on track.

As for what I do to cope? I focus on the here and now. I try not to plan too far ahead so that I am not disappointed. And I love with all my heart.
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Old 10-11-2012, 07:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Originally Posted by YoungPoly View Post
I suppose one of the things that was getting me so upset (and still is) is the fact that I know there is an ticking clock for me and Sec. Follow up question: how do you guys deal with a relationship that you know is going to end at some point, if you've ever been in that situation?
That is part of being human - EVERY relationship we have will end someday, whether by choice, circumstance, or death. It just takes acceptance that there are no guarantees in life and nothing last forever. A bit of existentialism can be very sobering.

Originally Posted by YoungPoly View Post
I should also point out that though I have a Prim and a Sec, I've grown to consider Sec as more of a second primary... Oh, and in case you're wondering why there's a time limit on our relationship, it's because when we (me and Prim) first started talking about the possibility of a polyship, I made a promise that he would always be my primary, and that after a couple of years we'd become a proper monoship.
Polyship, monoship... huh? Nonsensical non-words. What does the phrase "proper monoship" mean to you?

So, you promised your primary that eventually you would agree to a monogamous relationship after a few years of polyamory - but you didn't expect to have such a wonderfully deep and intense relationship with your secondary, whom you now regard as a co-primary. It sounds like renegotiating your agreement with your first primary is the next step.

You know - you don't need to use a hierarchy at all, if it makes things too complex. Life doesn't always fit into neat little compartments like that!
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,854

"All relationships come with a clock attached." John Cleese.

And it is true. All relationships end. Even "til death do us part" is an ending of a relationship. Or if your prefer -- a change in a relationship structure. You can still have a relationship in your head with loved one that passed away. Once upon a time, I was the MFM hinge. I married BF1.

My BF2 was long distance, monoamorous and struggled a lot initially. In fact, I told him not to sign up here -- I was not exclusive and the limitations of student budget and LDR -- well, it wasn't what he was hoping for. He tried. He kept coming back like moth to flame and he decided to try.

I told him if he signed up he had to own it and not get all stroppy with me because of situation. He signed up willingly. I'd give my best, but I can't help not having technologies to alleviate LDR pressures (so many more technologies today!) or budget to fly around. I would not promise what I could not keep -- this was NOT going to be exclusive. I did have another Honey. He had to realize what he was buying into here and accept the risks of jealousy and whatever. He signed on.

We enjoyed the time we had. The life up and downs. Laughs and tears. Isn't that what Life Shared is about?

Breaking up? Firm, fast, and because I loved him and wanted to set him free to pursue other local loves. I never promised exclusive. He was always a free agent, but he was monoamorously wired and struggled so best I cut it off them to let him be free to pursue. We were still friends, he dated. He did not understand my reasoning, but he dated. Later he called me up to thank me for having been loving and gentle on his heart. Now that HE had to break up with someone and the shoe on the other foot he could appreciate the other side. He could also appreciate the sacrifice. I put his best interest ahead of mine. We laughed, we cried. Best break up I ever had!

He was/is a great ex, I still think of him fondly and while I don't bother him in his universe, I do still ping him on the majors -- my wedding, birth of my kid, my father's illness. Call it once every 5-10 yrs?

DH notes that when I talk about him two decades later the smile STILL goes all the way to my eyes. He says he likes seeing that. So do I. That DH can enjoy that side of me -- compersion.

The BF2 relationship went from intense friends, to boyfriend, to intense friends to casual friends to lower volume "major news" contact. Who knows that the next few years bring -- he knows where I am at. I know where he is at. Life's Journey will be what it is. Maybe the volume will stay the same. Maybe for some reason the volume will go up. *shrug* I'm content to let it be what it will be.

Fearing FUTURE relationship changes is not a good reason to hold back on your love sharing TODAY. Enjoy each other and the time you have it in. Don't miss on the present worrying about the future. You can learn from past, plan for future to a degree -- but life is ever flowing change. We just surf it as it comes. Tell each other your Vulnerable, your worries, your fears. Love each other anyway. Do not promise what you cannot keep. Plan for your relationship ending so it can be a good one. All relationships come with a clock attached -- so accept and CHOOSE the ending you like the best! Then be secure and enjoy the present moment. The unfolding of Life and Love Shared with each other.

""Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Ferris Beuller.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-11-2012 at 08:29 PM.
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Old 10-12-2012, 01:33 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 76

Fearing FUTURE relationship changes is not a good reason to hold back on your love sharing TODAY.
^Awesome. I will have to remember that one.
Independent polyperson seeking friendships, in which physical intimacy may or may not develop.

I do not wish to attach to any particular person. My love knows no limits.
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