Falling more in love with Sec than Prim?

[BrigidsDaughter]

Runic Wolf and I started as FWB in high school. I was his first, but he was not mine. We started officially dating a couple months later and got engaged 6 months after that when he came cack from basic training. We were engaged for 1 year and 10 months before we got married. The first year and a half of that was an LDR while I finished up high school and he got sent to his first duty station. I joined him later and we lived together on weekends until 2 months after we got married. (Couldn't break my dorm agreement or get married housing when we got married). We acctually pushed the wedding up by 11 months because we were tired of waiting. We planned it all in lesz that 2 months on maybe $400.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by Vicki82

Jane, it sounds wonderful That's what a wedding should be!

It was wonderful ...exactly what our wedding should have been/was.

Originally Posted by Vicki82

I'm sure lots of people thought I was pregnant

We teased each other about this a LOT ... actually. Two people who were "anti-marriage" (for different reasons) getting hitched? Must be a baby on the way...I'm sure many of our guests were confused 6-7-8-9 months later. (The other source of amusement? ... How many of our guests had had sex with us or other "wedding guests" - I'd say everyone but direct relatives.)

JaneQ

[Phy]

Ah dear, the same in our case. We even wrote on our invitations something along the lines of "Hey there, we want to get married. No, we are NOT pregnant."

We didn't think of marrying each other till our 9th year. None of us was into that stuff, we knew that we will stay together and that the other was just right for us. But there were some official reasons that made us change our minds (finances and such) and a possible lifethreatening disease on my side, that made Sward take action. The party was great, we celebrated at home with friends and family. (Never knew that there would be so many to come and congratulate us ) I wasn't into the celebration idea first, I would have been happy to go sign the papers and that's it, but in the end I really liked it the way it went ^.^

Hope you will find the right solution for you OP

[SchrodingersCat]

Wow, poor guy heads off to school, and is going to come home to a series of confirmations that he got engaged too soon I'm going to add to the assault by pointing out that he's also engaged to the first person with whom he's had any "proper relationship" as he puts it.

I know it happens, they tell me it happens, but I never really believe them... That whole notion that you can meet your life partner so young and somehow "know" they're the right person, without being with any other people and seeing what you like and despise in a relationship.

Fortunately, you're not monogamous, so you're not "stuck." You can be engaged to your first proper boyfriend, without risking cutting yourself off from future potential.

Again, breathe. Relax. Take a bubble bath.............Back yet? Okay.

Right now, you're all in a tizzle. That's not a time to make any decisions about the future. Chill out and go with the flow. You're not married yet. Just keep it that way until everything has settled. Wait until you've been with Sec for at least a year before you start wondering whether you like him more than Prim. Meanwhile, don't make any financial commitments to the wedding. Take it one day at a time.

Shucks, you're 21. Barely a pup. You have all the time in the world. What's your hurry? I heard that Denmark recently amended their immigration law, regarding anyone married under 28 to be in a "forced marriage." So according to Denmark, if you get married in the next 7 years, you and your husband will be raping each other. Or something like that.

[Vicki82]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

I know it happens, they tell me it happens, but I never really believe them... That whole notion that you can meet your life partner so young and somehow "know" they're the right person, without being with any other people and seeing what you like and despise in a relationship.

Well, in favour of that... I am my H's first serious relationship. I was 18 and he was 19 when we met and we're still happily in love. Probably more so now than we were then.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

I know it happens, they tell me it happens, but I never really believe them... That whole notion that you can meet your life partner so young and somehow "know" they're the right person, without being with any other people and seeing what you like and despise in a relationship.

Well, I was "with" plenty of people sexually before MrS and most of my friends were guys - and I "knew" I didn't want to be in a "relationship" with any of them! In fact, I didn't want to be in a "relationship" AT ALL, I fought it tooth-and-nail actually. (I had stuff I knew I wanted to DO with my life, I was skeptical about the whole concept of "romantic love", I thought most people wasted tons of time playing around with all of these silly "relationships" that were clearly just going to fail...etc.)

I guess I "knew" that MrS and I were right for each other because I found myself inadvertently involved in a relationship despite myself (I still tease him that he "tricked" me, when really, he just patiently waited until I figured it out for myself). I never had any "knight-on-a-white-horse" notions to get in the way - I'd rather have my own horse and lance, thank you. We had no delusions that getting married would change the other person or magically ensure a "happily-ever-after" - our lives were just happier and easier when the other person was in it.

I wasn't "looking for" a relationship when Dude came around either. It's not like I was "missing" anything in my life. I fought that one as well...I thought I could use my same "no attachment" strategy that worked so well in my late teens (until MrS). Wrong again. Turns out he is "right" for me too. (And my female FWBs are "right" for me, and my friends have been "right" for me - with one exception...) Maybe it's just that I am unwilling to be in ANY relationship that is NOT right for me?

JaneQ

PS. Sorry to write a novel, but the even longer version is detailed in my "Journey" blog here.

[GalaGirl]

I met DH in our late teens. I kept on dating other people -- I did not have the word "polyamory" then but I told him point blank I was not seeking exclusive! We married in early 20s. So I knew. Shoot, I lived with him first to FIND OUT.

We at 20ish yrs now. Still going strong.

There's different kinds of maturity. The physical maturity and chronological maturity you get for FREE. Just by not being dead and making it to another bday.

The rest? Intellectual maturity, emotional maturity, social maturity, philosophical maturity? Those a person has to work on to develop for themselves.

So for a young adult person to be engaged and trying to work things out for themselves and their future life plan -- to me that's great! Trying to grow their other maturities and engage in serious thinking about a major life choice.

Like I said -- can always come to the end of the engagement period and decide "Um... I'm not ready yet" and just keep on dating their person and engage again later or break it off or do whatever it is they need at THAT checkpoint.

OP's feelings and thoughts while engaged are appropriate to the place OP is at to me. It's sounds normal.

GG

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by Vicki82

.. we're still happily in love. Probably more so now than we were then.

Second that!

I thought that when MrS and I got married I loved him as much as I am capable of loving another person (although it took me 18 months into our "relationship" before I could even admit that I loved him) ...and I just keep loving him deeper and broader each year we are together. It just seems like as we grow to know each other more and more (there is a line from the Heinlein novel The Number of the Beast that reads: "We always marry strangers.") we become better able to BE the person that best complements the other; for example, he knows when I need something - quiet alone time, food (and what type), hugs, laughter, something old and comfortable (movie, book, music), something new and exciting, etc. even before I realize it myself.

There was a period of time when I was lost in NRE with Dude that I felt that "connection" waver (I think because I was not my usual self, so I wasn't giving him my usual cues). It was such a relief when the NRE wore off (at about 8 months, which is about the time that I could admit that I loved Dude too!) and our "connection" rushed back, to where he could seriously "read my mind" again (Dude is learning to do this as well, although I do occasionally have to remind myself that he doesn't have the years of practice that MrS does...and that we are "ahead of the curve" compared to where I was the first time around.)

Jane("Lucky-in-Love")Q

[YoungPoly]

Woah, loads of responses! Sorry I didn't get back sooner, I've had a busy couple of days.

Firstly, thank you everyone for your replies, they've been a huge help towards making me feel better!

Secondly, I've come to the conclusion that it is just NRE that's making me have these worries, and the fact that I'd spent 4 days without leaving Sec's side, and hadn't seen Prim since I left.

GalaGirl, you'll be please to know that our engagement is indeed a long one! We don't have a specific engagement end date; we're both in our fourth year of uni (probably doing 5 years each) and then we're moving to Amsterdam for a year, so we probably won't get married till AFTER that (unless we just can't wait any longer and decide to do it in Holland or something)

I suppose one of the things that was getting me so upset (and still is) is the fact that I know there is an ticking clock for me and Sec. Follow up question: how do you guys deal with a relationship that you know is going to end at some point, if you've ever been in that situation?

It's pretty difficult for me and Sec at times, since we are so in love with each other. The problem is that he's mono, so now that he's fallen so hard for me, it's difficult for him knowing there's no real future for us in that way. It's hard for me too, because I'd love more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him in a monoship (but at the same time spend the rest of my life with Prim in a monoship - see the problem?)

I should also point out that though I have a Prim and a Sec, I've grown to consider Sec as more of a second primary... Oh, and in case you're wondering why there's a time limit on our relationship, it's because when we (me and Prim) first started talking about the possibility of a polyship, I made a promise that he would always be my primary, and that after a couple of years we'd become a proper monoship.

And Gala, thank you for your kind words about my maturity, and your congratulations on my engagement

JaneQ, thank you as well for your engagement story, I really enjoyed reading both of them!

[Prim just got home! I'll reply more later!]

[Phy]

Originally Posted by YoungPoly

how do you guys deal with a relationship that you know is going to end at some point, if you've ever been in that situation?

[...] It's hard for me too, because I'd love more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him in a monoship (but at the same time spend the rest of my life with Prim in a monoship - see the problem?)

I should also point out that though I have a Prim and a Sec, I've grown to consider Sec as more of a second primary... Oh, and in case you're wondering why there's a time limit on our relationship, it's because when we (me and Prim) first started talking about the possibility of a polyship, I made a promise that he would always be my primary, and that after a couple of years we'd become a proper monoship.

Ah dear, this could be a problem in the long run. As you already feel that it is upsetting you to eventually end this relationship with your Sec/Co-Prim I guess, if I take my own situation as some kind of basis of comparison, it will cause you even more hurt when you finally have to make that choice because of this agreement. I won't say anything in the direction of whether or not this is what you should do, but maybe you will reach a point where you won't feel able to stick to it and then you may want to reevaluate. I wasn't able to choose and had to talk to my husband to make this clear to him as well. (He and my second partner are mono as well, so it is possible to live like that without saying that this is something everyone can or wants to do. And they are what could be called Co-Primary )

I feared that my husband would try to make me choose one of them (before I talked to him) and I wasn't sure if this would have cause me to develop some resentment against him. If it comes down to this situation in your case in one or two years time (I don't know when you see the end of the current situation approaching ultimately) you may find yourself unable to choose as you promised. Maybe you should talk about that possiblity.

Aside from that, I never was in a relationship I regarded as 'finite' right from the start. Can't imagine to be in one as well, so I can't comment on that ^.^