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Old 06-25-2012, 05:07 AM
jerflan jerflan is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 7
Default Totally in your bubble

Hey Corey,

I am in a very similar situation to you. I had almost identical rules to you, and it ended up leading to a fair amount of resentment on both sides. I would be suspicious of his texts, his going out, staying out late, etc etc. Eventually he "broke" the rules--got drunk at a party I didn't go to, hooked up with a couple, didn't call me, and didn't come home until 4 AM. I was ready to end it right there. I was so hurt and confused and the situation only added onto the insecurities and jealousy I felt that were the cause of these "rules" in the first place.

As a temporary solution, we decided to close the relationship in hopes that it would improve our sex life, and we enlisted in some couple's counseling. We still aren't super sexually compatible, but it did bring us closer and give us time to sort out other issues once the "x" factor was removed.

However, after a few months, it became clear that this was indeed temporary. I like to play a little too, albeit not as much, and not with my friends, as my partner does, but I could see that keeping him on such a tight leash was going to be detrimental in the long run.

After some thought, I realized that this is really my issue. I have insecurities and am jealous that someone will take him from me. I trust him, but I don't trust the other people. I don't want to live like this, but I also want my partner to be happy. So I suggested we do a complete 180 and open it up without any of the rules from before. He went up to SF for the weekend, and I'm sitting at home stewing in my own jealousy, but I know he'll come home on Tuesday and am not worried about him leaving me for someone else. It's not perfect, and I'm sure we'll change the rules again soon enough, but the relationship is important enough to me that I will force myself to face these internal conflicts head on.

I'm not suggesting you do the same thing, but your situation sounds so creepily similar to mine that I thought you might glean something from it.

Best of luck to you!

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Old 06-26-2012, 05:38 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,710

What are some of the rules that everyone has with their relationships.
I already replied on your situation in your other thread. I still think she's not the right one for you and you are being had. But I'll share my rules.

1) Truth. Everyone on board on the same page. All in the open, all names and basic info things exchanged openly. Do not lie, do not assume. ASK when confused. TELL when confused. Do not cheat/skimp out on truth-ing and thus set me up and emotionally betray me. I'd have way more respect for you as my ex if you just hard truth it to me than lying or lying by omission on things that affect my health. I'd like to be good exes if/when that happens. Truth it. Just spit it OUT. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

2) I'm willing to work almost whatever else it is out. Here it is on 3 strikes you are out. You mess up once? Alright. We deal. 2nd time. We deal. 3rd time we deal. KEEP ON with that SAME thing? Goodbye. OUT. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

3) Basic health hygiene info is good enough to me -- names, sex screens, etc. This is REQUIRED. I don't need to know everything about your others. I'd try to be friends with your OSO but life being what it is, that's not a guarantee. So I'll be at least polite and friendly toward my metas. That I can try to do.

If you want to share more and they are ok, I'm ok. All respect privacy. I do not kiss an tell on my end without giving you a heads up. Don't kiss and tell on your end without giving me the heads up. Do not put me in the middle of things. I only get excited when there's something real to get excited about. Don't tell me extra if I don't need to be excited yet. I want to make my health choices fully informed, is all. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

I'm not sure that's the same agreement I'd use in later life but that served me well in my dating life in my 20's.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-26-2012 at 06:30 PM.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:42 AM
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gomugirl1656 gomugirl1656 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 78
Default Rules of Engagement game changers

Ok it's inevitable that change occur in relationships. Our Vee has changed slowly over time. Each new negotiation makes for new experience and perfection of what works for us. What I want to know is, what boundaries or "rules" have changed for you over time? What has stayed the same?

Example: In the beginning we had a very constricting policy of no casual sex without text permission or a phone call before hand. Now that has changed to no permissions required as long as there is condom use. I think it changed because I wasn't as trusting as I am now and because my insecurity gave me the sense that I needed to control their behavior. Control was no longer serving the relationship.

How bout you? Anything change that you seemed very firm on at first? What was it and why or how did it change?

Self honesty, communication, respect trifecta of a good start.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:00 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

MC and I have been together for almost 15 years, as we've definitely changed the "rules" many times. We started in college with just make-out sessions and only if the other wasn't there (studying, at work, out of town, whatever). It wasn't until this year that he became comfortable enough with the idea of me having PiV sex with TGIB to change that rule, and there have been tons of baby step changes along the way.

A few things that stand out to me as things that have stayed the same are, we've always been honest with each other about what we wanted and what we weren't comfortable with, even when those two things didn't line up, we've always been willing to listen, consider, and give things time, and we've always been willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt and forgive when, in our human-ness, a boundary was at least pushed, and once in a while even stepped over a little. We both have the ability to say, "I understand why that happened but I don't like it. I don't think you were trying to hurt me on purpose, but please make an extra effort from now on not to let it happen again." Those things now extend to my relationship with TGIB as well. There haven't been nearly as many rule changes with TGIB, but it's only been a year and at the moment he's not dating anyone besides me, so there haven't been many negotiations necessary (yet).
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack

Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 10-07-2012 at 12:03 AM.
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:00 AM
LoveBomb LoveBomb is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 20
Default What are your poly relationship rules?

So I'm really curious as to what rules people have in their poly relationships that help them succeed at a loving poly relationship. If there was a "polyamory for dummies" book, what would you write (a summarized version please )?
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Old 10-11-2012, 09:53 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 90

Current rules, which are far looser than they were at the beginning:

Get tested before proceeding beyond hand jobs.

Try to have time with new partners primarily either be shared with time spent with other partners, or be when other partners are unavailable. The former is much easier when metamours enjoy each others' company, which ties into:

Have partners meet up early on to be sure they all get along well before getting serious, as my wife Ginko and I don't have time for relationships that have to be kept separate.

As for basic poly advice taught to me by Ginko: If your partner is unenthusiastic about trying polyamory, you have a much better chance of things going happily if you wait until they find someone to be excited about before proceeding yourself. Also, realize there may be no turning back at that point. At least no easy way.

Last edited by turtleHeart; 10-11-2012 at 09:58 AM.
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Old 10-11-2012, 05:49 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,038

Hi there. We have tons of threads on this topic already. Some people have extensive rules and boundaries, while others have little to none. If you do a search for the words "rules" or "boundaries" you will find a lot. Limit it to just titles (Advanced Search) and you will filter it down some more. Here is one to get you started:

What Are Your Poly Guidelines And Boundaries?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 10-11-2012 at 10:19 PM.
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,710

Click my name, you get mine. Tada! Rights and Responsibilities. Not so much "rules" as how to be in "right relationship."

For the evolution of the gamebook, it's this entry in my blog thread.

Love hard. Play well.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-12-2012 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 10-11-2012, 09:51 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 165

I really don't like rules. Maybe it's just me but I don't really have "rules" in my marriage. We're adults, we do our best to respect each other and meet each other's needs. So far we haven't felt the need for anything beyond trying to communicate clearly with each other.
Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 9 months, and Henry (single poly), 8 months.

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Old 10-11-2012, 10:55 PM
LoveBomb LoveBomb is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 20

Thanks everyone. I'll take a look through the other posts on this topic.

@Vicki - I think rules are important in terms of exploring relationships outside of your marriage, if only to prevent confusion and misinterpretation of intentions. Good communication is definitely part of it. For example, one of my rules would be "If you meet someone you really like, be open about it and don't keep it a secret from me."
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boundaries, dating, jealousy, managing relationships, primary, rules, rules vs boundaries, secondary

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