Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 10-08-2012, 01:45 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

I'm happily married and in love with my husband, and I am also in love with my boyfriend L. I'm new to this so maybe I'm not right, but I think I can fall as deeply in love with him as my heart wants, as long as my head understands where we have to draw the line.

We both have families of our own that will always take priority, as will our spouses. We will never be looking at a cohabiting arrangement or anything like that. All I want is to see him as often as we can, to communicate enough to keep our connection, and to enjoy what we have for as long as it lasts.

I have a house and a child with my husband. There is no other relationship that could ever be equal or take priority with that. It's as simple as that for me. I just have to remember that when I am the one in the secondary position.
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.

Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 10-08-2012, 02:49 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 524
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by abejita View Post
putting a relationship or feelings in a box is not something healthy for me.
I think this is part of what has me feeling unsettled and even angry. He claims there is no limit on feelings. I think he believes that and even means it in that he feels deeply for me and I would assume wants me to feel the same. He wants me to feel for him such that I want to call him a couple of times a day and send him loving texts and get together with him even up to four or five times a week. And he wants all these powerful connections and feelings and bonding to happen--what I would even call deep love from me--without me ever wanting more. I can see where this is a scenario that can be expected when dating someone already attached, from within the poly world, but he does seem to have a knack for picking single women from the mono world.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
We both have families of our own that will always take priority, as will our spouses.

I have a house and a child with my husband. There is no other relationship that could ever be equal or take priority with that. It's as simple as that for me. I just have to remember that when I am the one in the secondary position.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
...always making sure our primaries get their needs met first...
Which is why I question his wisdom in being drawn to single women who have never been involved in polyamory. (All his relationships that I know of have been this way.) It's why I question my own wisdom in going out with him in the first place, because I knew this from the start. It was fine early on. But I find myself becoming more agitated as the bond deepens. I'm in full agreement that his wife should be the priority. But I don't particularly feel, at this point in my life, like continuing a relationship that highlights that I, in fact, am not anyone's priority. My needs do not come first to anybody.

This relates to other situations--the alcoholic family and cheating ex-husband--in which it has been made clear I and my well being are no priority even to the people who should have cared the most. And now I've foolishly chosen to put myself in a position in which the person who loves me the most right now once again does not (in this case cannot) regard me as the priority.

I may have mentioned it, but in moments of agitation, he's told me this would all be fine if I just found someone else. This not only annoys me, as I have no intention of taking more time away from my children to go on a boyfriend hunt to make this relationship more comfortable for the current boyfriend...but it's making me feel like a failure. He tells me how his wife is so swamped with pms on their kinkster site she has to turn her pms off to get away from all the men pursuing her. I don't have that problem. (Of course, I'm not on any kinkster site, but neither do I have this problem at OKCupid.) I've been on two dating sites briefly with no great romance (I should add I was on them only half-heartedly, because I'm not dying to have a boyfriend.) He tells me how he used to try to pick up women in stores, and a relationship site tells me the grocery store is a great place to meet men--nobody has ever tried picking me up at a grocery store! These are things I wouldn't even be thinking about if he hadn't said these things, but now a small part of me wonders what's wrong with me and when BF will start to wonder why no one else is snatching me up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
But he's worth it.
I guess this is exactly the question I'm struggling with.

He has treated me wonderfully. I believe his feelings for me are deep and real, and I believe if he weren't married, I would be his absolute number one priority. (But of course, he is and therefore I can't be.) He has shown great respect for my very different boundaries and beliefs, and made me see that I actually can live by my values in this world and have men still want to be with me. He has encouraged me to live my faith more deeply. He has shown me all the good that others outside of my family and ex-H see in me. He's been a great listener and supporter and helped me with a couple of repairs around the house, in addition to advice on repairs. Good has come into my life as a result of our time together, and I have grown as a person. I believe I likewise have been good for him, as I've watched him make changes in his life (ones I didn't ask him to make, btw--he decided to).

I don't want to say he 'isn't worth it,' but I question at what point the agitation and upheaval outweighs the good, and at what point do I need to walk away from it before my difficulty dealing with this impacts my children?

Part of my struggle is that I am also dealing with so many other things, and so many responsibilities, single-handedly, while my family and ex-H throw rocks at me figuratively speaking, that I'm not sure how much my current feelings (which at the moment are sliding toward depression) are being impacted by other things and how clearly I'm thinking about the situation with him.

I think my decision boils down to this: is it helping me to have someone at my side even if it can't be 100%, or is it hurting me having the upheaval of this new lifestyle and feelings of being second once again on top of everything else? If anyone has any words of wisdom on that, I would dearly love to hear them. Because I guess that's what my future decisions really come down to.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 10-08-2012, 02:56 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 524
Default

btw...thanks for listening.

It helps me clarify my thoughts to write to someone else, in a way journaling doesn't.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 10-08-2012, 05:45 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 348
Default

Whathappened, your relationship with your boyfriend sounds like it's been and is very helpful to you.

You are very understandably worried about not being a priority but I wonder how often any of us are genuinely top priority in each other's lives.

My SO and I don't have other human partners to consider. But we both have busy lives. We both work. I have my canine loves who I live with. We both have lots of friends to keep in touch with (some of whom are joint friends). I have family fairly nearby. We both have interests and hobbies outside of our work that take up lots of time.

All of this adds up to a balancing of priorities. Of course, if one of us really needs the other, we will be there - but that doesn't happen terribly often.

Similarly, sometimes one or other of our friends takes priority. I have shifted things with my SO before because my friend and her husband were having problems that she wanted to talk about. I have shifted things before because one of my dogs wasn't well. Also I set aside one or two evenings a week to spend just with the dogs and make time for daily walks with them - these take priority over my SO.

Early this year my Dad died in hospital of pneumonia. At that time, being with him and my family took priority over everything else including my SO, the dogs and my work.

My SO and my close friends helped by being there in the evenings to meet for coffee and have dinner but really, family stuff was the priority.

I recently backed off from several nights out and encouraged my SO to spend time with a friend of his who was leaving the country shortly - it allowed my SO to have time and space with somebody who he feels very close to.

Several times I have talked my SO into making proper arrangements with another very close friend of his. She has a child and needs to have arrangements made in advance which is something my SO isn't terribly good at.

I suspect those sorts of ongoing calculations of priority and needs are ongoing in everybody's lives.

So - I wonder. Do you know what would help you to feel like a priority and can your partner do that? Or is it something you can only get from somebody who doesn't have another partner? Or is it unclear to you just now?

I reckon it is worthwhile thinking about. For me, I would not consider having a partner with small children. Lots of people would never consider me because of the dogs.

I hope you find some answers.

IP.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 10-09-2012, 12:29 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,164
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
My needs do not come first to anybody.
That is not true. Your needs do come first to YOU.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Good has come into my life as a result of our time together, and I have grown as a person. I believe I likewise have been good for him . . . but I question at what point the agitation and upheaval outweighs the good, and at what point do I need to walk away from it before my difficulty dealing with this impacts my children?

Part of my struggle is that I am also dealing with so many other things, and so many responsibilities, single-handedly, while my family and ex-H throw rocks at me figuratively speaking, that I'm not sure how much my current feelings (which at the moment are sliding toward depression) are being impacted by other things and how clearly I'm thinking about the situation with him.

I think my decision boils down to this: is it helping me to have someone at my side even if it can't be 100%, or is it hurting me having the upheaval of this new lifestyle and feelings of being second once again on top of everything else? If anyone has any words of wisdom on that, I would dearly love to hear them. Because I guess that's what my future decisions really come down to.
It sounds like you have a ton of things in your life that need your attention and focus. I can relate to this. When we have lots going on, and we feel the weight of it all on us, we can very easily let ourselves feel overwhelmed. It always helps to remember that each thing has its place in our lives, and that we can only do one thing at a time. Step by step, you will handle all you need to.

Indeed, I know how an all-consuming romantic relationship is a very, very seductive and alluring thing to want to escape to, in order to get away from all that shit we have to deal with and focus on someone else - especially when it's someone who is pretty darn awesome. I have lost myself, or wanted to lose myself, in a man I am dating -- so that I can feel like I'm not such a failure or just that someone wants me. It's like a drug, to get away from the crap being handed to me, the self-doubts, the self-criticism for being in this situation, the responsibilities, and the pain.

Unfortunately, if we try to seek that kind of comfort from the wrong or inappropriate person, we only set ourselves up for possible rejection and more pain. In polyamory, the inappropriate person will likely be the one who has a primary, or the one who is juggling so many partners, we will never feel we get enough. It takes some pulling back from the heady dreams of fantasy-land, to take stock of what we have in the here and now, and to see things more clearly.

When we do a true accounting of our lives, it can be an eye-opener to realize that we, also, don't have any (or much) more time and energy to devote to the relationship than our partner with the other partner(s) does! So, why do we let ourselves get upset when he or she can't give us what we don't really have time for? I suspect it is about some sort of validation, but it's mostly centered on a fairy tale.

We've been duped by society to believe that a relationship that cannot lead to domestic union and totally entwined couplehood (marriage) is worth our energy. How sad it is that we are taught that. Love comes in all shades and hues. There are many ways to find satisfaction and happiness in our lives, and we can create this in our own unique ways instead of waiting for it to be found along the conventional path. I do believe that the biggest lesson polyamory teaches us is to shed societal notions and create individual lives of freedom and love that are uniquely what each of us needs.

You will get through this uncomfortable place, I am sure of it.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 10-10-2012, 10:03 AM
karsh48421 karsh48421 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 18
Default

I am married and i'm a secondary to a married woman. I love both of them so much. My wife handles everything pretty well, she feels like she is on the back burner sometimes though and when she told me this last night I was quite upset that she felt this way. I am going to work out a night where we can go get coffee and talk out of the house where our secondary relationships live so she can talk to me more comfortably. My secondary and I have a very very strong relationship, and we cant get enough of each other but her husband has been getting jealous that we have such strong feelings, and now gets jealous if we get any alone time out side of our designated nights to share beds. Other than those issues I would not trade this for anything, The feeling of two amazing women loving me so deeply is just amazing to me and I love them both more than anything.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 10-10-2012, 06:04 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 524
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Whathappened, your relationship with your boyfriend sounds like it's been and is very helpful to you.

....

So - I wonder. Do you know what would help you to feel like a priority and can your partner do that? Or is it something you can only get from somebody who doesn't have another partner? Or is it unclear to you just now?
Many things are very unclear to me right now. I enjoy his company, we talk about ideas and life, and yes, he has done a great deal of good in my life, and I believe I've done good in his. I think we're good for each other.

For better or worse, I think I am a priority in his heart. He'd gladly spend 4 or 5 nights a week with me (we were in the past, but I cut back to 2 for my own emotional protection.) But I also believe that relationships should naturally progress. And I think among my big fears is not what I feel now, but what I will feel as ours does.

There's something to be said for being able to enjoy the present (my time with him has helped me with that), but I think it needs to be well-balanced with not blindly walking down a pretty road that is quite likely going to end in someone falling off a cliff, and I guess that's where I am right now--trying to figure out where that balance is with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
That is not true. Your needs do come first to YOU.
Thank you, Cindie (btw, are you NYC Indie, or NY Cindie? or both? ) for your post. It's given me a lot to think about.

I have thought a lot about this, and the many posts here touching on being our own primaries, of having full and active lives such that we don't need a partner. I think there's a lot of truth to this, and in fact I do have a full and active life (children, work, activities I persue with a passion, my faith). I felt no need whatsoever for a boyfriend and was quite happy coming home to my gloriously empty bed.

But this situation has called me to think more deeply on human nature and relationships, why we have them, what their purpose is. My conclusion (at least in part, at least so far) is that the point of a relationship is that we have someone to help carry our burdens, as we help carry theirs. The point is that you no longer have to be the only one to whom your needs are a priority. There is strength and healing in simply knowing you matter that much to someone.

To me, I feel something lacking when I carry the weight of my life entirely on my own shoulders and his contribution is taking me out for dinner and drinks twice a week. To me, this is not a full relationship because he wants only part of my life. To me, a full, real relationship embraces the whole person, their whole lives; it helps carry the burdens, does not merely want to contribute to the party times.

I will add, as it's probably a factor in why I stay: I believe he would help me with these burdens in a heartbeat. In fact, he has done a number of small repair jobs I've brought him (half a dozen small household items). He's come over once and done some minor home repairs. I don't ask for more because I'm wary of using him, or even giving the appearance of using him, and wary of becoming dependent on him. I don't want him ever to think I'm using him, which tells me something about my own care for him and his well-being. Yet, I think in the natural course of a relationship, one comes to want to do these things for the one they love.

On the flip side, he doesn't offer. In part, I think after 9 months, it's only beginning to sink in for him what my life is really like, outside of the weekly group from which we know one another, and our time in a bubble together (mine and his).

Quote:
When we do a true accounting of our lives, it can be an eye-opener to realize that we, also, don't have any (or much) more time and energy to devote to the relationship than our partner with the other partner(s) does! So, why do we let ourselves get upset when he or she can't give us what we don't really have time for?
Definitely. This is one of the things that has frustrated me about my own processing. I don't have time for more, anyway, so what does it matter. Yet I think there's a real difference between time being called away by inanimate things (activities, for instance--not sure inanimate is the right word) and by another person. It comes back to that human need to know we have someone walking by our side, who cares for us above all else, that we're not entirely alone in this world.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 10-10-2012, 06:10 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 524
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post

But this situation has called me to think more deeply on human nature and relationships, why we have them, what their purpose is. My conclusion (at least in part, at least so far) is that the point of a relationship is that we have someone to help carry our burdens, as we help carry theirs. The point is that you no longer have to be the only one to whom your needs are a priority. There is strength and healing in simply knowing you matter that much to someone.

...

Yet I think there's a real difference between time being called away by inanimate things (activities, for instance--not sure inanimate is the right word) and by another person. It comes back to that human need to know we have someone walking by our side, who cares for us above all else, that we're not entirely alone in this world.

Quoting myself--how embarrassing! But I wanted to put these two thoughts together.

We as human beings are social creatures. We need to love and be loved. An activity can be fulfilling, rewarding, even life-changing; but it can't love you back, and I think that's the flaw in the idea of completely, entirely being your own primary and that having a full life should negate the need or desire for a person to love us back.

Lots of people can and do live life happily without a partner. But I think I'm coming to the conclusion that if I'm going to have a partner, I want him to be a partner, not just another activity.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 10-10-2012, 07:00 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,164
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Thank you, Cindie (btw, are you NYC Indie, or NY Cindie? or both? ) for your post. It's given me a lot to think about.
You are welcome! Oh, and some people call me Cindie here, and I really don't mind 'cause it adds some anonymity, but properly it is NYC Indie.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 10-10-2012, 08:57 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 348
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
We as human beings are social creatures. We need to love and be loved. An activity can be fulfilling, rewarding, even life-changing; but it can't love you back, and I think that's the flaw in the idea of completely, entirely being your own primary and that having a full life should negate the need or desire for a person to love us back.
Thank you for writing this. This is more and more how I am thinking. We are social creatures. We need each other.

But we do need others. We need others to be close to us, to love us and to be loved. We need to feel that there is somebody there to help if things are going wrong or if we are struggling.

For me, this doesn't extend to needing a life partner - although I find that I'm enjoying that sort of love right now.

That's kind of the work I'm doing with myself right now - making sure I do reach out to others and become attached to them. Remembering that it's important to make time for them to be there and to let them be there for me (something that really does scare me).

I love spending time on my own so much and have so much to do that interests me that sometimes it's easier to do that than it is to be with people - and I don't think that my tendency to do so is especially healthy.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
second partner, secondaries, secondary, secondary feelings, secondary partners

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:24 PM.