New to the scene--lots of adjustments. Advice?

[nycindie]

You're not crazy!

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1

One of our "boundaries" was no emotions. At least for now.

At least you are aware of what your issues are. But loveless non-monogamy isn't really polyamory, which is about cultivating multiple loving relationships. When it's just about the physical side, it's more like swinging -- recreational sex without emotions involved. Many poly people just aren't into that, or they participate in swinging but also have loving poly relationships and balance the two.

If your husband is not looking for love, and just wants some sex with this friend of yours, then I am wondering why you feel like you're in a mono-poly situation. He doesn't seem to want to be polyamorous if he isn't seeking love. Perhaps he is the type who can keep love and sex separate - lots of people can do that, though many polyfolk will say it's impossible! You could start investigating swinging and talk to people in the swinger community.

Or you could start to examine and push the envelope a bit around your resistance to your husband loving another, in case his position changes and it turns out he wants to embrace polyamory. If I were you, I would ask myself why I think it is okay for my partner to let his body be used but not have as much love in his life as he can find. I would ask myself why he only deserves to share a part of himself with others and why I have to have more than anyone else can have. I would ask what I am most afraid of and why. Things like that. Deconstruct your thought process and get to know what makes you tick. I'd also make sure he isn't just saying he doesn't want love only because he knows you'd be uncomfortable with that. Not that he's lying, but he might not want to even let himself think of pursuing anything that he perceives would hurt you.

Also, you said that you and your husband have communicated extensively about this, and his FWB is a good friend of both of you. Have you communicated extensively with her about this change in your dynamic as well? It would probably help a lot of you and she keep developing and strengthening your bond as friends and support each other as his partners (or as metamours, if he does choose polyamory).

I know you said you prefer conversing over books, but Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good read, and she has worksheets on her site here: http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1

But sometimes i just cant get over the insecurities...one beong that i am not ready yet for there to be an "in love" type of involvement. Maybe one day but not yet.

That's always risky. When you start sleeping with someone, you can't just "decide" not to fall in love. If your husband is having sex with another woman, you have to know that it's a possibility they will fall in love. So you either need to tell him you're not comfortable with the sex until you're comfortable with the love, or else you need to work fast to get over that insecurity.

Surprisingly, and im sure some will disagree... my husband DOES meet every one of my needs.

You'd be surprised. Many of us don't look at poly as just a way to get different needs met by different people. I'm personally vehemently opposed to that idea. Poly only works for me when each of my partners would be "enough" in and of themselves.

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1

I know logically that this is possible. But emotionally i am not ready for it yet. One of our "boundaries" was no emotions. At least for now. Not until i completely accept the physical aspect of it and deal with those emotions. He said he doesnt even want to feel love for anyone else. Not on our level anyway. I honestly dont know how i would react if he told me this. Not rite now anyway.

But logically you know it can happen. What contingency plan is in place for that? If your husband develops feelings someone, does he plan to leave her? Is that really fair to the other person, whose only crime is being the object of his affection? It's a dangerous game he's playing...

[nurseypoo1]

We have said that if feelings develop we would deal with that when and if the time came. I feel we r mono/poly simply becuz i am monogamous. He is not. I am just not ready for feelings at this point yet. Only been 2 months. I am working very hard to get over my insecurities and they pop up less and less. Both hubby and i have discussed this extensively with her. And her and i by ourselves. Opening up was a wonderful book. Im just not sure how to progress to a possible loving relationship. My biggest fear is that he will fall out of love with me. That's the only thing that worries me i think. Im not saying i will not accept feelings. Im just not ready for it yet. Fear. I used to flip out if he even looked at another woman...so I've made great strides. He is the type to be able to separate the two...and i believe he would tell me anything even if it would hurt. He wouldn't want to...but he would. I just dont know how to change my mindset to get over these hangups. Thank u all for ur advice and thoughts.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1

We have said that if feelings develop we would deal with that when and if the time came.

If I may give you a word of advice, if you think that this is a possibility, don't wait until he is in the throws of a loving emotion. Because then he is in the throws of all sort of disruptive stuff that will cloud the mind and the judgement, and you will be not be in the best mood to deal with it, either - all your insecurities will be firing, and you will just be wanting to yell "STOP!!!!".

No, try to talk with him now about it - try to work with him at what your boundaries might be, should it happen. It's hard to tell beforehand how it will feel, but coming up with some sort of ideas and formalizing them (usually writing them down somewhere is good) may well help you a lot if the time ever comes.

And if that time never comes, then at least the two of you will have a better understanding of each other.

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1

My biggest fear is that he will fall out of love with me. That's the only thing that worries me i think.

This is one of those things that poly folk get frustrated hearing - because if you are poly, then falling in love with someone else in no way affects how you feel for others in your life. One doesn't replace the other in your heart - they add to things. Love isn't pie - someone else getting a piece doesn't mean you get any less.

This idea is one of the most difficult for mono people trying to get into the mindset of polyfolk to understand and truly embrace, because it just doesn't not compute.

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1

Im not saying i will not accept feelings. Im just not ready for it yet.

OK, then you need to understand what it's going to take to get you to the point where you are ready. Because without that element, it might possibly feel like you are just trying to put it off indefinitely. Work with him on it.

[nurseypoo1]

Im sorry if i frustrate anyone. We have discussed it and as terrible as it sounds...and unfair as it may be...i will only be comfortable as "primary". I know some dont like this...but its the only way i would feel ok. We have too much invested in each other and have dealt with too many things together to just be able to say otherwise at this juncture. I hope im not coming across as selfish to anyone. But for those of us who were very comfortable riding along on our monogamy train...this is a huge shake up to our comfortable and familiar lives...regardless of the reasons for starting it. There have been positives... but there have also been negatives. Trying to adopt this whole poly/multiple attitude is very hard...especially if u have adjustment disorder already. Lol. Im trying very hard. I just feel like im kind of stuck right now. Old habits die hard.

[almondgrrl]

I agree with what the Senior Members above have said, but I would add - don't be too hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with being focused on your own needs and wants. You seem to care deeply for your husband and your relationship (I can relate). But at the same time, your wants and needs require a voice. Don't feel bad about yourself for giving them that voice. Good luck.

[MusicalRose]

It may be good to clarify what you mean when you say you will only be comfortable as primary. Primary can mean different things to different people. In many circles, I hear primary used to mean a life partner (so if you are living together and married and maybe kids together you are already a primary), and secondary is used for serious relationships that do not plan to become live-in partners or life partners, and tertiary partners to be more of the casual (but maybe still loving and/or caring) relationships that stay on the periphery and might not last long or take up much of their time.

Even if you are using terms like primary, secondary, and tertiary, it is good to make sure you clearly define those terms. Once there, how serious is he allowed to get about other partners? I have two primaries. I live with both my boyfriend and my fiance right now. If you are a primary, are you okay with the presence of another primary? Or is primary a tier that only the two of you are going to ever have with each other?

[nurseypoo1]

My definition of primary...and i have told him this so there is no misunderstandings...is that our relationship and my wants and needs come first. If there is a need for "us" time it will be communicated to all involved and i fully expect and appreciate any changes necessary to make that happen. I dont mean to sound greedy or bitchy...but its what i NEED. Period. As of right now neither one of them are looking for emotions or romance. I guess his relationship with her would be better defined as a tertiary. Thank u for the vocab lesson.

[nurseypoo1]

Thank u almondgrrl for the luck wishes. I care more for him and our marriage than most can truly completely understand.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1

I guess his relationship with her would be better defined as a tertiary.

Well, if and until feelings are involved, she really is just a FWB (friend with benefits). As long as it's just sex without emotions, I see no need for poly terminology like primary, secondary, tertiary, etc.