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  #1  
Old 10-09-2012, 01:47 AM
Kanobi Kanobi is offline
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Default Hi everyone! :)

Just joined and thought I'd say hi! I'm new to the forum, not new to polyamory. I'm married. Realizing we both needed something different, we went from monogamy to an open relationship. Then realizing it is an emotional connection and love we truly need, more than just sex, we switched to being polyamorous. It has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer. Monogamy is not for us. We have had serious poly relationships with a third a few times and its been great, that is how we are wired, just haven't found our true soul-mate yet. Hmm, what else... I'm a Biologist and I'm lactose intolerant. I joined because it would be nice to talk openly and not be seen as odd for who I am (the polyamory part, not the scientist part ). Kanobi
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  #2  
Old 10-09-2012, 10:22 AM
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Anek Anek is offline
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Hi and welcome!
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  #3  
Old 10-09-2012, 01:29 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Hello and Welcome to the forum!

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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
...not new to polyamory. I'm married. Realizing we both needed something different, we went from monogamy to an open relationship. Then realizing it is an emotional connection and love we truly need, more than just sex, we switched to being polyamorous. It has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer. Monogamy is not for us.
It sounds as though you both have given serious thought and discussion to what you want out of life and figured out what steps are right for you to get there. (As opposed to a fairly common scenario where people find their way to polyamory by finding themselves, unprepared, in a "situation" and then fighting an uphill battle to figure out how they got there and what it means.)

How long did it take the two of you to come to these realizations and make these transitions? Was it harder for one of you than the other? Where there any "Aha!" moments where you had a spurt of insight that helped shift your perspective? -- I ask these things because there are others here, like you, who are actively "transitioning" from monogamy (or open, or swinging) to poly and hearing from someone who has been through the experience can be helpful.

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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
We have had serious poly relationships with a third a few times and its been great...
I'm glad you have had positive experiences. How long did these relationships last? What was the reason for their ending? What did you learn from these experiences (about yourself, about relationships)? -- again, I'm asking because a lot of people come here seeking help with their early forays into poly, hearing about other people's experiences can help them avoid common pitfalls. The other burning question, I'm sure, in a the minds of "couples seeking x" is: Where did you find your third person to have these relationships with?

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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
...just haven't found our true soul-mate yet.
Me, I'm not to into the "soul-mate" idea. I think that there are many, many people in this that I would be able to have a meaningful, satisfying relationship with (even given the fact that I am an introvert and don't like that many people to start with). Now, whether I ever meet these people, or we are both in a position to explore the possibility when we DO meet, is a whole nother ballgame.

When I do find them, I find that my best strategy is to sit back and let the relationship develop without expectation. Perhaps this relationship is destined to be a lifelong friendship-with-periods-of-benefits. Perhaps it is meant to be a deeply intense and passionate relationship - but temporary. Perhaps it will develop into a life-long commitment. Who knows? All of these relationships can be meaningful and satisfactory in their own way.

It sounds, since you are speaking for the two of you, that you are "looking for" a "soul-mate" for the two of you as a couple. Have you explored the possibility of each of you finding another "soul-mate" of your own?


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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
I'm a Biologist and I'm lactose intolerant. I joined because it would be nice to talk openly and not be seen as odd for who I am (the polyamory part, not the scientist part ). Kanobi
Well, some people might see the "scientist" part as odd too! Joking - but glad to have another science-type aboard. My undergrad degree was in Biology - what are your areas of interest? My undergrad research was in molecular biology years and years ago, but my academic focus was vertebrate physiology.

JaneQ

PS. I asked a lot of questions here in response to your intro - you are, by no means, obligated to answer ANY of them. These are just the type of questions that come to my mind when I am meeting someone new for the first time.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 10-10-2012, 04:49 AM
Kanobi Kanobi is offline
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Hi Jane! Yes, that is a lot of questions lol I don't mind though, and I'll do my best to answer them all.. I'll provide as much info and detail as possible in case it is helpful to anyone.

First off - how long did it take us to make these realizations? Well its been an ongoing growth process, not really a sudden thing. The open relationship thing started almost from the very beginning, we both have never really believed in monogamy truly, it was more like the default starting place in our new relationship when we first got together lol. If that makes sense. I grew up on a hippie commune in the redwoods and have been exposed to polyamory from a young age and had friends that grew up in that type of family, so it has never seemed odd to me. She was the first to propose opening up the relationship, but not so much for herself, she has never had any interest in exploring outside of her relationship with me (until recently in the form of a triad). It started as a fantasy of hers for me to sleep with other people (to my happy surprise lol). I always knew I was never happy in monogamous relationships, so I was all for it. I also have a significantly higher sex drive than she does, so I always felt like I needed more to be happy sexually as well. I began to explore sexually in a casual way and quickly realized I need emotional connections and serious relationships in order to be happy and that casual sex, or even very brief relationships are not my thing. I become very emotionally close when in a relationship, and learn and grow together with that person, which takes time and commitment for me. Initially it was hard for her to accept the idea of me forming emotional connections with other people, and not just having "meaningless sex".

There was a period of time when I was unhappy because my emotional needs were not fulfilled due to not seeking real connections in my other "relationships". That was followed by a period of adjustment for her once she decided she did want me to find emotional fulfillment through a real relationship with another person.

All of that took a few years and we have been officially polyamorous for several years since (since 2006 I guess). I have always encouraged her to be herself and do what makes her happiest, but the only thing she has wanted so far is to share me with another person in a V or a triad. I find that I get so close and my ability and need to connect emotionally and physically is such that no one person has ever been enough. Meanwhile she feels overwhelmed by me without another person in the picture, but otherwise she insists she is happy with or without another person (that is also how some of my girlfriends have felt)

So how long did these relationships last? It varies, but probably averaged a few months. The longest have been a couple of relationships I had that lasted between 1 and 2 yrs. The most recent was a few months.

Why did they end? Oddly enough, it usually had nothing to do with the polyamory. Just standard incompatibilities, often lifestyle differences. Stuff that takes time to realize this person isn't a true match longterm, or they realize it, though it wasn't an issue as much in the short term perhaps. Like enjoying clubbing vs nature/hiking, or political differences or just way different philosophies and outlooks on life (true examples lol). We are very down to earth people who aren't into a lot of frills and fashion and social games. We prefer cheap beer to wine, and we shop at thrift stores and we like people to just be real . Life is too short lol

Where did we meet them? Well the V ones where my wife wasn't directly in the relationship were mostly people I met socially, parties, through friends, going out on the weekends, and they were people interested in me that didn't object to me being married and in a poly relationship. The triad ones have been personals adds so far lol.

Overall we have found that the triads work best for us. She has grown more and more interested in connecting with the same person I connect with. We have also found that (for us) there is more potential for drama and jealousy when there are separate relationships happening simultaneously, though not always. But triads are also the most difficult to establish for us. Partly because the two of us are so different emotionally. We have a lot of interests in common and enjoy the same kinds of conversation and recreational activities and have similar life goals, so as long as another person also enjoys that stuff then we can all be pretty much lifestyle compatible. However we form very different kinds of relationships and connect at very different levels. So it has been a challenge to find a person who actually wants both kinds of connections, if that makes sense.

As for the whole "soul-mate" thing...I actually agree with you Jane, I don't believe in it either lol. I don't think I have one special person out there somewhere waiting for me. I guess what I meant is that we are not looking to continually date and look indefinitely. We hope to find a person compatible enough to stay with more long-term, and "settle down". Each person I have had a relationship with I have given my all to and connected with as much as possible, and it never had an expiration date, I just went with the flow. It never had a specific expectation of being forever either though, but if I knew for sure it wasn't going to last I would end it. Some people truly enjoy the dating process itself and find it exciting and fulfilling. In fact, I personally have met people who I am convinced consider themselves polyamorous not because they truly are wired to "love more than one" and need a serious relationship with more than one person, but because they don't want to ever stop dating lol. To me those are two different things. I like meeting new people and I like connecting, but I don't like casual dating endlessly or repeatedly forming very short-term connections again and again. It gets exhausting after awhile. We are wanting to share our life with another person longterm and a person who wants the same and with whom we are truly compatible enough to stay with could be called our "soulmate" I suppose . We've talked about having a commitment ceremony in the past since it isn't legal to be married to more than one person.

As for my Science... I too have an undergraduate degree in biology, Biological Sciences with an emphasis in Evolution and Ecology. I have a lot of diverse interests in biology and it has been a lifelong interest for me. My work is in entomology .



Well, there's a novel!

Kanobi

Last edited by Kanobi; 10-10-2012 at 05:01 AM. Reason: A particularly embarassing typo lol
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  #5  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:12 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
Yes, that is a lot of questions lol I don't mind though, and I'll do my best to answer them all.. I'll provide as much info and detail as possible in case it is helpful to anyone.
Yes, that was a lot of questions, and I didn't actually expect you to answer them all. Thank you for providing the answers tho! I'm sure that your answers were helpful to others...although I am the only one that has responded, this short thread has (as of my post now) 101 views. Bits and pieces of what you have said will resonate in the minds of the readers and help clarify their own thoughts. So, "Thank you!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
First off - how long did it take us to make these realizations? Well its been an ongoing growth process, not really a sudden thing. The open relationship thing started almost from the very beginning, we both have never really believed in monogamy truly, it was more like the default starting place in our new relationship when we first got together lol. If that makes sense.
It makes a ton of sense to me. I think that there are many people who "have never really believed in monogamy truly" who end up on these boards. One of the problems, as I see it , is that most people are never really presented with a viable alternative - so monogamy is their "default starting place". This is why I really respect those "polies" that are in a position (which I am not) to be de facto activists for awareness.


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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
I grew up on a hippie commune in the redwoods and have been exposed to polyamory from a young age and had friends that grew up in that type of family, so it has never seemed odd to me.
Wow. That is pretty awesome (and I would be interested in hearing more about it - by PM if you would rather not share publicly). My exposure to the poly concept came from reading a lot of Heinlein at an impressionable age and I was raised in a family that, while traditional and conservative in many ways, encouraged free thought and a disdain for "authority". ("Authority" like "trust" - had to be proven/earned.)


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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
She was the first to propose opening up the relationship... It started as a fantasy of hers for me to sleep with other people ..I ... have a significantly higher sex drive than she does, so I always felt like I needed more to be happy sexually as well. I began to explore sexually in a casual way and quickly realized I need emotional connections and serious relationships in order to be happy and that casual sex, or even very brief relationships are not my thing.
The amount of communication and honesty (and trust) that it takes to explore these topics with each other, and learn about your own responses, is considerable. I think that you must have been really strong together, even at the beginning, to explore this together.

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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
Initially it was hard for her to accept the idea of me forming emotional connections with other people, and not just having "meaningless sex"...There was a period of time when I was unhappy because my emotional needs were not fulfilled due to not seeking real connections in my other "relationships". That was followed by a period of adjustment for her once she decided she did want me to find emotional fulfillment through a real relationship with another person.
THIS, I think, is a major hurdle for many - and what trips up a lot of people. They end up turning to swinging to "fill up" what they think they are missing. I have seen a number of couples come here via the "swinging but not satisfied" route. I think your story will give some perspective to their situation,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
I find that I get so close and my ability and need to connect emotionally and physically is such that no one person has ever been enough. Meanwhile she feels overwhelmed by me without another person in the picture, but otherwise she insists she is happy with or without another person (that is also how some of my girlfriends have felt)
From the flip side I can see where she is coming from, I feel overwhelmed by Dude, at times, without another person in the picture. I happen to have another person in MY picture (my husband). I am plenty for MrS, MrS + Dude is more than plenty for me (except when I need "girl" energy - and I have FWB and crushes for that). I think that one (or two or ?) may not be enough to "fill" Dude's need for connection and physical affection (MrS teases that "now" I know how it feels... )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
So how long did these relationships last? It varies, but probably averaged a few months. The longest have been a couple of relationships I had that lasted between 1 and 2 yrs. The most recent was a few months.

Why did they end? Oddly enough, it usually had nothing to do with the polyamory. Just standard incompatibilities, often lifestyle differences. Stuff that takes time to realize this person isn't a true match longterm, or they realize it, though it wasn't an issue as much in the short term perhaps. Like enjoying clubbing vs nature/hiking, or political differences or just way different philosophies and outlooks on life (true examples lol). We are very down to earth people who aren't into a lot of frills and fashion and social games. We prefer cheap beer to wine, and we shop at thrift stores and we like people to just be real . Life is too short lol
Thank you for expanding! For me, I am unlikely to even engage with someone who has major lifestyle differences - we wouldn't even be friends, so I would see them as a potential partner. Someone who likes "clubbing"? would have to be VERY special. Although we DO prefer expensive beer (we are, all three, beer snobs, the only kind of snobs we are) - definitely with you on the shopping at thrift stores.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
Where did we meet them? Well the V ones where my wife wasn't directly in the relationship were mostly people I met socially, parties, through friends, going out on the weekends, and they were people interested in me that didn't object to me being married and in a poly relationship.
This goes nicely with a lot of advice that we give on this board i.e. "go out and socialize with people that enjoy the same things you do...be open to meeting people generally."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
The triad ones have been personals adds so far lol.

Overall we have found that the triads work best for us. She has grown more and more interested in connecting with the same person I connect with. We have also found that (for us) there is more potential for drama and jealousy when there are separate relationships happening simultaneously, though not always. But triads are also the most difficult to establish for us. Partly because the two of us are so different emotionally. We have a lot of interests in common and enjoy the same kinds of conversation and recreational activities and have similar life goals, so as long as another person also enjoys that stuff then we can all be pretty much lifestyle compatible. However we form very different kinds of relationships and connect at very different levels. So it has been a challenge to find a person who actually wants both kinds of connections, if that makes sense.
This resonates with the advice we often give to "Unicorn Hunters" - many couples are seeking a third (usually female) partner that connects equally with both partners. Which seems to be often sought and seldom achieved.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
...Some people truly enjoy the dating process itself and find it exciting and fulfilling. In fact, I personally have met people who I am convinced consider themselves polyamorous not because they truly are wired to "love more than one" and need a serious relationship with more than one person, but because they don't want to ever stop dating lol. To me those are two different things.
This is very insightful...and, I think, true. Personally, the whole concept of "dating" is distasteful to me - and seems like you are "auditioning" people to fit a pre-determined role (NYCindie views dating much differently - I think the difference is that she likes meeting new people, and I don't)

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Originally Posted by Kanobi View Post
Well, there's a novel!
Yes, it was a novel and I thank you for it! Whether anyone else responds to this thread, you have shared some excellent insight as to a path that one couple has taken.

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your story!

Jane!
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #6  
Old 10-15-2012, 06:57 AM
Kanobi Kanobi is offline
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Thank you for the kind words Jane! And if my story is helpful to anyone then I'm very glad!


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Old 10-17-2012, 09:55 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Kanobi,
Welcome to our forum.

I think you've been fortunate in your poly journey so far; I've heard many people say they couldn't find anyone new who would be willing to date them in a poly capacity. Sometimes it's because they live in a small, conservative, isolated town, but there are various other reasons.

Thank you for sharing your story; I hope you enjoy your time on our boards.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:59 PM
Kanobi Kanobi is offline
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Thanks Kevin! It seems like a great forum so far
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