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  #61  
Old 10-09-2012, 10:22 PM
happinesswins happinesswins is offline
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S.CAT....If anyone should be questioned on why they have posted on this site it should be ME ! I think we all have something of value to contribute when it comes to open discussions on relationships and we can all learn from other peoples experiences.I hope that my contributions haven't caused you to have to further justify your reasons for seeking advice here.
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  #62  
Old 10-09-2012, 10:49 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I hope that my contributions haven't caused you to have to further justify your reasons for seeking advice here.
Even if they have, I welcome the challenge. Only when people are forced to question their thought process can they be confident in the decisions they've made. I won't deny that a part of me was irritated at having to justify both my decision about the situation and motivation for seeking help here. But without those prompts, I couldn't be so confident that I wasn't acting out of a purely selfish place.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #63  
Old 10-09-2012, 10:49 PM
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P.S. My girlfriend cracked up when I told her we have to break up now, because some stranger on the internet said I wasn't really polyamorous. She supposes the last 9 months count for nothing, and congratulates me on being such a good actor. All in good fun, of course.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #64  
Old 10-10-2012, 12:29 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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How this is different from simple jealousy in a monogamous marriage?
Jealousy in a relationship is jealousy in a relationship. Poly folk have relationships that involve the same things as mono folk; the difference lies in the number of relationships.

I'll again suggest that you read here for quite a while before trying to offer much advice. What you've offered up thus far suggests a distinct lack of understanding and even basic experience with relationships, let alone experience with any poly tangles.

Do you even know any polyfolk?
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #65  
Old 10-10-2012, 12:57 AM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Jealousy in a relationship is jealousy in a relationship. Poly folk have relationships that involve the same things as mono folk; the difference lies in the number of relationships.

I'll again suggest that you read here for quite a while before trying to offer much advice. What you've offered up thus far suggests a distinct lack of understanding and even basic experience with relationships, let alone experience with any poly tangles.

Do you even know any polyfolk?
I think that level of condescension is uncalled-for.
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  #66  
Old 10-10-2012, 01:04 AM
happinesswins happinesswins is offline
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S.CAT- I'm glad to hear you can laugh at it .
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  #67  
Old 10-10-2012, 02:37 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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S.CAT- I'm glad to hear you can laugh at it .
She's not the only one laughing at "it".
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  #68  
Old 10-10-2012, 04:34 AM
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I think that level of condescension is uncalled-for.
Answer the question. What is your experience with polyamory? I agree with AT that some of your advice has been unhelpful, and at times even downright harmful. It's not unfair to question your experience if you're giving advice that is contrary to the experience of people who have been living polyamorously for years, sometimes decades.

Furthermore, there are many inconsistencies in your posts. This might feel like an attack on you, but I am genuinely concerned about your competence to provide useful advice on this forum, and the potential damage that can come from that.

Let's start with basic facts. You are at once 20, 28, and 30-something.
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I'm a straight male, 28


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There are no others in our relationship and donít contemplate any, except that we agree to have exís or old friends privileges with the consensus of the others.
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soon to be married to C, a 24 y/o bisexual polyamorous woman.
By your own admission, you are living a "conventional lifestyle" that suggests inexperience with polyamory. You are in a relationship with a polyamorous woman, but you don't contemplate having others in your relationship except an agreement to sleep with exes and friends. Not only is that unconventional, but it makes me wonder whether she is suppressing her polyamory for your sake.

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You're in the place a lot of couples are who realize they need another person in their relationship.
From what experience do you make this generalization? No couple ever "needs" another person in their relationship. If they feel like they do, then they have some serious relationship issues to solve first. It's a bad idea to throw a third person into a relationship that "needs" anything it doesn't already have. Again, this suggests inexperience with polyamory.

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An honest conversation is a must with every involved, except maybe current bf is he's soon to be out of the picture.
Suggesting that a person lie to their partner is harmful. It's what first raised my fur about you, and I'm not yet convinced that you've learned your lesson.

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Have you slept with either of the couple? I think that would be a requisite before you begin.
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When the time comes that you meet someone you feel attracted to and want to have sex with, that's the time to exercise your option of having another relationship in your life.
This suggest a fundamental misunderstanding of polyamory, where the focus is not about sex, but rather love and committed romantic relationships.

You almost seem to understand that here:
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Remember the -amory part. It's about love and welcoming another person into your marriage, not about fucking around.
But then you fall into the classic newbie-poly blunder about "welcoming another person into your marriage" which is unrealistic. Anyone with experience will tell you it usually doesn't work out that way. Furthermore, you said this as though you'd just read it in someone's tagline.

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You know already that he could have already moved on to another person and he's not so much polyamorous as polysexual.

Could be you need to split up for a while and sort things out.
To me, her situation sounded more like NRE, with the added complication of time constrictions in both their schedules. Nothing in her post suggests that the primary basis of his relationship with the other woman is sexual. You're pretty much urging her to break up with him. That's not constructive or helpful.

---

What I've summarized here are some examples of poor judgement and potentially harmful advice. Not everything you've said has been negative, so I'm sure you can learn from your mistakes. However, AutumnalTone is correct that until you can demonstrate more experience with polyamory, or at least a better understanding of what's been shared on this forum by people who have that experience, it would be best if you stop giving advice to other people and instead focus on yourself.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #69  
Old 10-10-2012, 04:39 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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She's not the only one laughing at "it".
What's the smiley for one raised eyebrow?
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #70  
Old 10-10-2012, 07:34 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I think that level of condescension is uncalled-for.
I'm trying to be nice, actually. You've posted so much that indicates you have no understanding of polyamory. What first got my attention was the notion that there is some sort of natural progression to triads. I suspect that's a projection of your fantasies, because in the real world of polyfolk that's a laughable contention. There's no natural progression to any specific arrangement--and to offer that up as serious advice shows either extreme cluelessness or simple malice.

To this point, I suspect simple lack of experience and cluelessness instead of active trollery. I figure the responses of experienced users will warn other newbies about the bad advice and am responding to that end.

NOTE: If this tangent continues, we'll have to break it out into a new thread. We're highjacking the OP's discussion.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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