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Old 10-09-2012, 09:32 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default "needing to find someone"

I've been running across a repeating theme. Maca has this "need" to find someone else because he feels "left out". I find this ULTRA unattractive.

To clarify, I don't find it unattractive when he dates other women. In fact, I immensely enjoyed watching he and E when they were being lovey-dovey, playful, teasing, sexual etc.

I find the need to have someone *anyone* instead of "no one" (which is an oxymoron anyway as he does have me) unattractive.
It's needy, it's whiny, it's desperate and it reeks to me of all that I don't find attractive in people (men or women).

I've also noticed a number of guys in various poly groups I am in talking about how hard it is to find *another* woman.

The irony I see is that they tend to say many of the same things as Maca and here I am a theoretically potentially available poly-woman and frankly-YUCK YUCK YUCK!

I don't want to date ANYONE who is so desperate that they will take ANYONE who shows them a modicum of attention and interest.

I want to date people who are truly attracted to me as a person, who are interested in me as an individual. I don't want to date people who have a space in their calendar that they aren't creative enough to fill in on their own.

To me that screams of emotional problems, unresolved baggage, psychological problems and a guarantee that once involved I will be dealing with drama and headaches because I will be dealing with another immature, needy, emotionally dependent brat....

So, my question is-what are others thoughts on how needing anyone affects other people's perception of you?
Are you revolted by people who are looking for a partner versus people who are just out to enjoy life and see finding a partner as a nice side effect?
Do you encounter this?
Does it bother you?
If you feel repulsed by this, and your partner behaved this way in seeking another partner, what would your reaction me?
Have you been like this and overcome it? If so, how?


My personal blog is filled today with posts from others on this topic-because I am struggling with how to even rebuild my relationship with Maca (story here
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28151
and p.30 and later here http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6352)
when the attitude he has completely disgusts me and gives me shivers of revulsion.
Also, I know it is easier to find other women who are comfortable if they can meet me, because of the need for direct communication and their abillity to ascertain that I really am ok with poly. BUT-I don't want to lie to anyone and say "he's this that or the other great thing" when what I'm thinking is "OMG RUN-he just wants you to fill a gap in himself because he's unwilling to work on his own emotional shit!"
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:34 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Articles I posted regarding this topic-*not related to poly

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/1...f-improvement/

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/1...or-modern-men/

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/1...omen-part-two/

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/1...disgust-women/
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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How does needing anyone affect other people's perception of you?

Ask them. I'm not them.

My perception of myself? I feel I am a whole, complete person. I am not a broken half-person seeking another broken half-person to “complete” me so we can be a "whole couple unit." The baseline unit is not the couple. It is the person.

I am a whole person. DH is a whole person. We do not complete each other as individual persons. We complement each other in a partnered relationship. I cannot be in a partnered relationship without -- duh! -- the partner!

But I can always be my best me I can be. Partnered or not.

Do I need him? No. Do I enjoy him? Gods, yes! I want him! I love him! With a passion! Whee!

But is it an actual need? No. If he died? I would grieve. A hole would be in my world forever. But I would not be dead. I would go on living, and yes, I would find another partner if I so desired and I would enjoy them. I didn't die and stop living. He did.

Are you revolted by people who are looking for a partner versus people who are just out to enjoy life and see finding a partner as a nice side effect?

No. Both are still "open to a partnering.” HOW they go about it? Doesn't matter to me. That's their biz. Slow meandering or aggressively dating. Whatever they like. It's on them. I would put the question as

"Do you find broken people attractive to date? Do you want to date people who are afraid to be alone and want to be with you just to not be alone?"

instead.

I like being alone. I'm introverted. But alone is not lonely. And liking to be alone doesn't mean I have poor relationship skills. I do not like desperate. I do not like to be put on a pedestal defended from all others. I do not like cling-on. I like to be treated like a valued partner and a person and companion. Not a possession and a thing. I am not your machine like a dispenser of needs met.
  • I am not the object of your affections.
  • I am the PERSON you feel affection FOR.

It's starts to feel too Golem creepy the other way. “My precccciiious!”

One of my exes told me I ought to lower my standard and I would be happier. I asked him if he was worried about making the cut? Because I wasn't unhappy with my standard. Changing the bar to lower my expectations to a lesser standard would INCREASE my applicants, sure. But would it also increase my happiness? No.

I don't want to invite shenanigans into my life that can be avoided by carefully selecting the company I keep wisely. Who wants that?

Thanks, but no thanks. Will keep standard high! Jedi Players, please. No Muppet Show chaos! Muppets I like watching on TV. I do not want to live in perpetual chickens squawking and fish flying chaos!


Do you encounter this?


Yes, I have. Broken people wanting to seek people to "complete" them. Healthy people are not attracted to broken people. So they usually attract other broken people to them instead. In relationships – these people being emotional vampires. They are a drain.

In relationships? Being with a vampire feels to me like no real no two way relationship can be had. “Relationship” implies back and forth exchanges. There is no exchange. There is me filling a hole of need. And if they avoid doing the work to put the cork in their leaky bucket? They never feel full. I'm never done filling so I can have a turn being filled in turn.

I feel the answer is not without. "Must find person to complete me! aaaah!" It is within -- to do the personal growth required to fill themselves up to complete full tank and become a person of substance. "Must work on me to I have something to offer a partner in partnered relationship." is a better attitude.

THEN be dating to COMPLEMENT someone in partnered relationship and be complemented in turn. Because now they have something to offer. A good share, versus being a sucking drain.

Does it bother you?

No. I do not friend or date broken people. I do not work in a job that deals in broken people. So my exposure to this type of needy vampire is low. Just my sick elder dad and he's needy enough for my whole plate. Love him but do not want MORE! I can't help who my father is. I CAN help who my BF might be! [/INDENT]
If you feel repulsed by this, and your partner behaved this way in seeking another partner, what would your reaction be?

Yay. Go be with other partner. We can break up (assuming I reached my saturation point and am giving up on them doing their personal growth needed.)

I had a partner like that. He behaved that way even in monoship – I never wanted to even deal in romantic polyship with him because he was so insecure about my male friends. Having another BF? No way. My reaction was initially sympathy and pity and encouragement, and later annoyance that I was suggesting what to do when he asked but he did not listen. I was offering to help and he was not willing to work on himself. Why ASK me then?

Then disappointment in him and in the relationship. Then sadness. Then lonely/bored/empty/depressed. Then annoyed. Then? Acceptance.

If he did not want to do the work to put a cork in his leaky bucket hole?

No amount of my refilling would top him up to full. All my energy going down a black hole of never ending need. I cannot control him to make him cork it. But I can control ME. I stopped filling. I walked away. It was less lonely and less draining to walk away to be ALONE. Than to be lonely while with him perpetually trying to fill. [/INDENT]
Have you been like this and overcome it? If so, how?

I am not like this. My ex? He called me up a decade later to apologize, tell me he was in therapy. I congratulated him even though I was bewildered at the call and I assumed I must be his “apology homework” of some kind. So I accepted apology, wished him well. I don't know the details of what all he did, but he sounds better and then another 10 years later he got married.

I really do wish him the best. I bear no ill will. I enjoyed my short time with him that was good. Did NOT enjoy the ending bit. Happy to hear he's ok in the world. Dating is the seeking time -- not all will be runners. So it is.

Still glad I got out. I don't think I could have endured 20 years of shenanigans and avoidy before he finally committed to HIMSELF to find where to put his corks in and could become a fit partner person for someone! Zoiks! Better late than never for him... but better for ME sooner than THAT and yay for breaking up.

It's one of those cases where me and him together? I was good for HIM. But he was not great for me. He wasn't horrible. When he was fun he was fun. When he was moody broody he was a drag. But he was not complementing me in a partnership while dating so I saw no need to commit further there.

I was tending a dependent. It was not interdependence.

HTH!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-10-2012 at 05:54 AM.
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:14 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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So, my question is-what are others thoughts on how needing anyone affects other people's perception of you?

When I meet someone who says they need another person to feel complete, I usually don't even want to be friends with them. Babies need someone, children need someone, invalids need someone. Complete, healthy, whole people need a social group of course, humans are social creatures. But if they think that meeting someone will make their problems go away, it tells me they don't understand healthy relationships.

Are you revolted by people who are looking for a partner versus people who are just out to enjoy life and see finding a partner as a nice side effect?

Yes. Perhaps not as strong as "revolted" because I'm just too apathetic towards them to feel that way. At most, I feel sympathy and try to help them see that they need to find happiness in themselves. If they're not receptive, I walk away and don't look back.

Do you encounter this?

Occasionally, but but my radar is well-tuned and I usually pick up on it.

Does it bother you?

I choose not to allow it to bother me. I don't have any people like this in my life, and I control whether such people enter my life. By choosing not to allow that to happen, I decide not to be bothered by those people.

If you feel repulsed by this, and your partner behaved this way in seeking another partner, what would your reaction me?

I want to say that I'm immune to that, but that's probably naive. My current partners both have an excellent grasp on human psychology. I suspect that if one of them developed such a need, it would stem from a different type of problem that I'd like to think would be identified and dealt with before it gets to that stage.

I once had a boyfriend who'd long suffered from depression and was on Paxil when we met. Because of its effects on sex drive and weight gain, he wanted to quit. Under doctor's supervision, he began reducing his dose. Before long, I started to feel like his "happy thing," a substitute for the drugs. I couldn't deal with that and I bailed. I felt mean at the time, but the decision was right for me.

Have you been like this and overcome it? If so, how?

*Stares up and to the right, reaching into the depths of memory*

I don't know if I would use the word "need." I know there were times in my late teens / early twenties when I really wanted someone to date. It's not that I felt like there was a hole in my life, I just really wanted to be with someone. I would spend time scouring dating sites, looking for that person. It never worked out. So I gave up and found other ways to make myself happy. Whaddya know, shortly after I started taking care of my own needs, I started meeting people.

The first time I made that connection, that taking care of your own needs first is the only way you're going to find happiness, and that as a bonus it makes you more attractive as a mate, it was such an epiphany. I wanted to, and probably did, tell everyone I knew about my revelation. I'm still looking for a way to get through to people about that, though. Do you just have to learn it for yourself, or do you think it's possible to teach?
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:20 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Quote:
I would spend time scouring dating sites, looking for that person. It never worked out. So I gave up and found other ways to make myself happy. Whaddya know, shortly after I started taking care of my own needs, I started meeting people.
When I was a teenager, I learned that the quickest way to find a boyfriend was to say "I am swearing off boyfriends and I refuse to date anyone right now!" It never failed. One time I tried to outsmart fate by saying "The only reason I am not swearing off boyfriends is because I somehow end up with one every time I say that." And that's when I met my current husband.
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:01 AM
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One time I tried to outsmart fate by saying "The only reason I am not swearing off boyfriends is because I somehow end up with one every time I say that." And that's when I met my current husband.
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Old 10-10-2012, 09:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

So, my question is-what are others thoughts on how needing anyone affects other people's perception of you?
Are you revolted by people who are looking for a partner versus people who are just out to enjoy life and see finding a partner as a nice side effect?
Do you encounter this?
Does it bother you?
If you feel repulsed by this, and your partner behaved this way in seeking another partner, what would your reaction me?
Have you been like this and overcome it? If so, how?

I have a needy, dependant, getting-attached-too-easily side to my personality. I am in touch with these aspects of myself, and I would never call them 'revolting', 'disgusting' or 'repulsive'. Those are some pretty strong words to talk about what I consider some basic human wekanesses...They are part of who I am, and they are things I work on.
The men I date don't get to see this side of me. At least not for a loooooong time. In fact, they get to see someone who comes across as so independant and autonomous, that it sometimes intimidates them and scares them away. (I'm not making this up, I have litereally been told this). But yes, that strong woman, who lives her life and isn't looking for someone to fill a gap or black hole, is also me. I am a whole person, but to me this means that I am not always strong, and not always have everything lined up perfectly.

There was a time when my husband was deep in NRE and I was dating like a madwoman trying to find someone who could fill this place in my life, someone who would have the same position in my life like she had in his life. Not a very healthy or balanced thing to do, possibly. But I did it, I never came across as needy or desperate to any of the guys I was dating, I met some great people, and after 6 months I met two incredible guys almost at once (when it rains, it pours).

I wouldn't date someone who stated upfront, from the beginning, that he was looking for someone to complete him. But I would most certainly date someone who confessed to insecurity issues and (occasional) needyness.

What I find immensely attractive is someone who is secure enough to admit to his insecurities.. to me this often boils down to the difference between people who consider themselves a victim of their own bad situation and expect others to fix this, and people who own their own mess and can say 'okay I'm not perfect and I mess up lots of times and i'm not always the best person I can be, but it's up to me to fix this and I don't expect you to do this for me'.
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:25 PM
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  • So, my question is-what are others thoughts on how needing anyone affects other people's perception of you?
    I have been needy myself, and it is always received poorly. I have been told it makes me less attractive to my partner when I come off as needy, because they would rather see me as someone strong and independent, able to make my own choices and handle my life, come what may. It seems that the kinds of men I am attracted to do not like the idea of taking care of a woman who is an adult and clearly able to take care of herself. I never seem to attract the paternal types who want a helpless needy woman to dote on, so when I become needy I am usually rebuffed and smacked back into reality almost immediately.

    When I see someone else in the throes of that kind of neediness, I find myself repelled by it as well. To me, it is a form of self-pity and not very attractive. It says to me that a relationship with this person will be high-maintenance and exhausting.

  • Are you revolted by people who are looking for a partner versus people who are just out to enjoy life and see finding a partner as a nice side effect?
    I have long believed that dating can be fun just to get to know someone and do interesting things. The key is not to use it as an audition to find a partner. I've always tried to keep this in mind, both in my pre-marriage single days, and now that I am separated and practicing poly. So, when I meet someone, or read profiles on OKC of someone, who says they want to find a partner or basically they have a role to fill, I cringe. I do want to be desired just because the person is attracted to me and wants to get to know me more. I don't like a lot of expectation to fulfill a pre-conceived ideal placed on me.

    However, I do understand that kind of searching. I spent most of my adult life as a single person, as I married for the first time rather late in life. My familial upbringing never emphasized finding a spouse as the be-all-and-end-all, but there certainly was an attitude in the atmosphere of the general culture I was raised in that told me if I was single and didn't have a partner, I was less than adequate. So, yes, there were periods in my life where I felt I "had to" find someone to love me in order to feel like I counted and had value. Those ideas usually hit me very strongly when I was feeling lonely, very insecure, or if I didn't have enough creative/intellectual stimulation in my life to keep me busy.

  • Do you encounter this?
    Not often, to tell ya the truth. I think I am instinctively drawn to men who are very independent and not looking for a person to insert into a role. I think I encountered it a lot more before I was married, through my 20s and 30s, which always surprised me, I recall.

  • Does it bother you?
    Yes, and I avoid getting involved with guys looking for that, and will decline further dates or contact.

  • If you feel repulsed by this, and your partner behaved this way in seeking another partner, what would your reaction me?
    Truthfully, if I had a primary who was so desperate for a secondary just to keep up with me as if it was a race, I would want to slap him. I would insist that he get counseling if he expected our relationship to continue, and I would probably take a break from the relationship until I saw some real progress.

    When I was dating Burnsy, I had a feeling his heart wasn't in it and so I asked him point blank whether or not he was seeking additional relationships just because he wife had a lover. He answered honestly, and the answer was yes. That did not sit well with me at all. Yes, he was attracted to me and we had a nice rapport when we started, but on his side it was manufactured, in a way, out of his need to keep score. I broke up with him soon afterwards, and told him I felt he had issues to resolve within his marriage and that I didn't see that he was ready to be in any other relationships until he did that.

    Someone who *needs* to have a relationship andonly seeks someone so that they can feel reassured about that is a total turn-off. I don't want to be someone's prize that he can show off to prove everything's even with his wife's relationships. I want to be appreciated for what I bring to his life and loved simply for being me.

  • Have you been like this and overcome it? If so, how?
    Well, as I said earlier, yes, I have fallen into that kind of desperation and self-pitying, validation-seeking behavior. I think what usually shakes me out of it is some sort of "rude awakening" -- either a break-up, an honest talking-to from someone, or an open-eyed assessment of the damage I have caused myself. Eventually one has to really see what damage they are doing to ourselves and our relationships. It can be torturously uncomfortable to just sit and feel our the depth of our insecurities, but we must! We also have to ask ourselves what kind of person we want to be, and what kind of effect we want to have on the people we love, and the world. A person who is basically good will strive to be a positive force, and someone who wants to be happy and satisfied has to, at some point, realize how letting our immature and insecure "inner teenager" make decisions for our adult life will not bring us satisfaction.

    I think that, also, what helped me was having long periods of time not in relationships at all, allowing myself to experience the depth of my loneliness when it came up and not acting out in some way to avoid it (whether by being needy in my relationships or drinking to excess, for example), and learning to rely on myself to meet my own needs.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-10-2012 at 03:44 PM.
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:59 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

1) So, my question is-what are others thoughts on how needing anyone affects other people's perception of you?
2) Are you revolted by people who are looking for a partner versus people who are just out to enjoy life and see finding a partner as a nice side effect?
3) Do you encounter this?
4) Does it bother you?
5) If you feel repulsed by this, and your partner behaved this way in seeking another partner, what would your reaction me?
6) Have you been like this and overcome it? If so, how?
1) I think first and formost I look and see if what I see as neediness really is neediness or something else. Like I know for myself I'm pretty much tied on love languages of touch and quality time. So when I seek that out from my partners it's not because I can't function without them but having those works the best for me to feel and understand their love for me. So one of the first things I would do with someone who is seeming needy is if there's a possiblity that what functions as thier primary love language is not being met. If it is that they don't feel like they can function without the person it depends on my level of involvement with them. If it's a partner who can't function without me (or vice versa as it's has happened) I try to give them the support they need at the moment while also helping them build up their own abilities (which is what had to happen for me when I was dealing with my depression, I needed my partners at that time to get me to function because I couldn't pull myself out of anything). If it's a metamour then I support the partner who is dealing with it. I also try to help the metamour realize that they don't have to relay only on their direct partner because I know that having all your energy depending on one person can drain that person.

2) I don't think revolted is the right word. I feel sad for them. I understand the feeling of needing someone because I've been there before and it makes me sad because I know that there's some other issue going on that they are scared to deal with or unaware of.

3) I don't think I have really seen any of my friends or my paramours/metamours really have this need to be in a relationship with someone, anyone just to be in a relationship.

4) N/A as per 3.

5) If a partner was acting like this I would first want to know what was going on that made them feel like the needed someone. After that I would support them in trying to work through whatever is causing their current neediness so then if they do find someone they can have a healthy relationship.

6) I have done this. Pretty much from about the age of 17/18 till about 22. I had some serious personal issues that I was running from and in doing so was latching on to anyone I could just because I didn't want myself around. I got into therapy and started actually working on my demons and then realized I didn't need anyone but me, found my fiancee and later we became mono-poly because I started falling in love with other people and he was fine with that.
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Old 10-10-2012, 04:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Remembered words I was struggling to pin down yesterday.

"The ability to self-validate."

There. The broken people. I do not find them attractive because they lack the ability to self-validate and seem like they want me to be their machine dispenser for that.

I don't mind giving a partner support, encouragement, nurture. I don't mind affirming their value. I don't mind meeting reasonable partner needs. I'd like my own needs met in a partnership. I'm up for taking it in turns. That feels good. Yay.

But faced with a broken person that will not own it and try to work on it? I cringe. I think things like...

Quote:
It would NOT feel good to me to have to CHRONICALLY validate you. I can affirm and reaffirm only but so much. Isn't my BEING here with you enough validation that I enjoy you and your company? No?

Well, if you think you are too horrible to like? Somewhere in there you think I am stupid to even be with horrible you then. You push me away denying me emotional intimacy because I am so stupid.

Or you feel the need to hide your horribleness so I don't dump you. Fearful thoughts. Clinging. I'm denied emotional intimacy with you. Because you are clammed up tight. But still want to use me as your IV drip.

Yet only YOU can change how you think and what dog you feed.

I'm not feeding your white dog for you while you feed the other one madly to the point of it taking up all your emotional space. Draaaining. No, thanks. No desire to sign up for that job. You have made no room for me in your heart to be in there with you. You are an emotional vampire.
So no. Not attracted to broken.

I might consider "broken and trying to mend" person. But "broken and not owning it" person? Nope.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-10-2012 at 06:30 PM.
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