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Old 10-08-2012, 08:46 PM
azalea azalea is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: deep south
Posts: 2
Default consumated poly relationship

I just found this site and realize now exactly what type of relationship our extended family has. For the last couple of years, my husband and I have had a very close bisexual female friend to has become part of our family. Our daughter refers to her as 'aunt' and she has stayed at our house most weekends for the past two years. Recently the three of us have opened our relationships with each other based on some established ground rules. She is now moving in with us. This extended family relationship makes life easier on all of us and as the saying goes- it takes a village to raise a child. My daughter particularly benefits from the situation. It is clear that I am the hinge in the relationship but my husband and "sister wife" as we humorously refer to her are close also. I am glad to find out that a relationship such as ours is not completely abnormal. Of course most of our friends have no clue as to the depth of our relationship but we openly refer to the two girls as my husbands' sister wives which we truly have become.

At first my husband was reluctant to openly move the relationship to the next level, I think because he was concerned about jealousy on my part. But now I think he realizes the close ties his "wives" have and is beginning to embrace the relationship. I am sure we will encounter some bumps along the road once we are all three permanently a family but I hope they are not insurmountable.

Any suggestions for continued success would be appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 10-09-2012, 12:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,130
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Welcome to the forums!

There are many people quietly "doing" poly that you would not suspect. In ways that vary widely but work for the people in them.

Your "family" model seems similar to my own - although my boys are not involved with each other, they are best friends - we teasingly use the term "brother-husband" on occasion, but it really does feel that way at times.

Sounds like you've already cleared the first hurdle that many would advise - letting the relationships mature before making a rash decision to move someone in. After a few years, you all probably know each other pretty well. (NOTE: we did NOT follow this - Dude moved in right away, just like, 19 years earlier, I moved in with MrS right off the bat - just because I didn't follow it doesn't make it not good advice.)

The next hurdle seems to be the practicalities of actually living together - a stress on even regular old dyad relationships. It's good that she has spent extended time there but "most weekends" is not the same as "24/7". It is moving from "family friend" and "comfortable guest who gets her own drinks" to "full-time family member" - without 5 days in your own space to recover. Another common piece of advice (that we also don't follow) is to make sure that each person has their own personal space and alone time. (We have a small house and one bedroom - with a BIG bed - luckily I am the only one with "alone time" needs and everyone sleeps on different schedules so it all works out.)

One thing that should probably discuss (ad nauseum) is household responsibilities/expectations. If there is a disagreement (even over something simple) how is it resolved? Does the final decision rest with the "original" couple? Do you two girls hammer it out and present him with a decision or put him in the position of "tie-breaker" (hint - don't put him into a position where he has to choose between you on stupid shit - only badness can ensue.)

What role does she have in raising/disciplining your child? "Favored aunt" has different expectations than "third parent". (I don't have kids so I'm sure their are issues here that I am unaware of)

What if she wants to redecorate/rearrange the living room? (We each have rooms in the house that are "ours" to determine the furniture and decor - I don't bitch about how they want to do the TV/computer-room - a.k.a. "man-quarium" - and they don't have any say about how I want the library/livingroom)

Do you all agree on one brand of shampoo or are there 3 bottles in the shower? (MrS and I don't care - so Dude gets whatever he wants since he does most of the shopping - and buys in bulk)

Who is responsible for washing the sheets? (We each do our own personal laundry and I do the bedding/towels).

How are finances covered? (Our system is somewhat complicated but works for us - I have final veto, as I earn the bulk of the $)

Above all, I guess I would add - don't make assumptions, even (especially) ones that you think are really obvious. Ask. Discuss. Clarify.

Quote:
Recently the three of us have opened our relationships with each other based on some established ground rules.
I would be interested in hearing more about this. Our "rules" are - condoms if sex with anyone other than the three of us and keep the others in the loop if relationships are evolving with outside people (this is more for Dude - MrS hasn't pursued any "outside" relationships/sexual encounters that I haven't instigated in the 20 years that we have been together, my female FWB arrangements have also been stable for years). There are other rules that have come and gone as we adjusted to our poly situation (for instance - from me - "don't chase me out of my own bed to have sex with your ex-girlfriend because you think I want a threesome and you never asked me" and - from MrS "don't have sex in the bed, while I am in it, if I am asleep - move to the couch")

Are you talking about rules between the three of you or rules concerning outside people?

Jane("I-have-two-boys")Q
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-09-2012 at 12:05 AM.
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  #3  
Old 10-09-2012, 03:18 PM
azalea azalea is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: deep south
Posts: 2
Wink new relationship rules

The only discussed rules we have established involve sex amongst the three of us and mostly because we have a small child in the house. Neither myself or my husband (Mr A) are looking for outside relationships so there are no outside people involved. Only Auntie would possibly have an outside relationship and I don't think she is looking for that right now, so it truthfully hasn't been discussed. Because of our daughter we have set the rules of no threesomes in the house when she is home. Due to the newness of the sexual aspect, Mr A can only participate with both of his wives unless I approve just he and Auntie. I think he still has some concerns about jealously on my part so "permission" clears his conscience. We truthfully haven't approached the subject of just us girls yet as I think he isn't quite ready for that yet.

As for living arrangements, Auntie currently has her own bedroom and I and Mr A have our bedroom. However, Auntie will be constructing a man cave/apartment on our property so we all have our own spaces. Half of the building will be Mr A's mancave/garage and the back will have Auntie's apt.

There is really no division of household/farm chores. Mr A usually cooks which he has done for years. Other cleaning type chores are shared among the three adults and my daughter's growing responsibilities. We all take active parts in raising C. She looks at us all equally for school help, discipline, etc. In fact Auntie is a godsend when frustruation sets in for mom and dad. Since I have a farm and handle most of the livestock chores, I now have some help with Auntie. We jokingly say that Mr A is the kitchen bitch and we are the barn bitches.

Nothing has really changed with our relationship over the last two years except for the addition of a third sexual partner recently, which of course can be sticky if all parties don't have similar views or aren't getting their needs met. Since I am older and in the beginnings of perimenopause, a sister wife just helps keep Mr A happy while my sex drive is beginning to diminish. Lol

I am very happy in our situation as I think we all are. I love both partners very deeply and couldn't imagine life without either. I think Auntie has also added stability to C's life as another strong mother figure. I hope our family continues to flurish for a long time.
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