Mono in poly relationship - should I try dating others?

paraselene

New member
Hi, everybody. This is my first time posting here, though I've been reading for several months. I'm glad to have found such a supportive community.

I'm a mid-40s woman, previously monogamous and content that way, now in a happy relationship with a poly man, R.

R told me on our first date that he was non-monogamous, and at first I was pretty hostile to the idea of sharing him with other women. But I surprised us both by asking him out on a second date. :) We've been together for six months now and consider our relationship to be "very, very primary" (his words). I'm still learning to defuse the fear and jealousy I feel when R is with his secondaries, but he's doing a good job of reassuring and supporting me, and things are gradually getting easier.

Now that I've seen polyamory close up, I have trouble picturing myself going back to monogamy. Poly makes sense to me in many ways -- not having to be everything to someone all the time, not struggling to keep one relationship fresh for the rest of your life, and so on. But while I have the intellectual understanding, I'm not yet feeling a gut-level drive to pursue multiple relationships myself. I seem to have one slot in my brain for "lover" and when that slot is filled, I barely notice other men.

My question is, should I try dating others and see how it goes? I'm very conscious that I shouldn't date to "even the score" with R, and I've been steadily expanding my circle of friends so I'm not lonely when he's out with someone else. However, much as I love and appreciate my friends, going out for pizza with the girls isn't as exciting as spending the night with a lover, and I definitely do feel a little left out and envious.

Also, I've never tried having two relationships at the same time, so I don't actually know if I'm capable of it, and it seems important for both me and R to find out if I'm always going to be a mono in a poly relationship, or if I can thrive as an actively polyamorous person.

Are there any monos here who've been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you approach it?
 
I'd say don't force it. When the time comes that you meet someone you feel attracted to and want to have sex with, that's the time to exercise your option of having another relationship in your life. It's more a matter of meeting the person and having the freedom than anything else.
 
Yeah, I would say to go out and make friends of all genders. Then see if anything more develops. :)
 
I am confused by possible euphamistic language. Please clarify. :confused:

Are you meaning to say this:

I do not want to take on a lover just to even the score with R since he has other secondary lovers. But I feel left out and envious when he's off with his other lovers and I am left with friends. I have not got another lover.

I've never tried having two lovers at the same time, so I don't actually know if I'm capable of it. (In what capacity? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? Some combo? Something else?)

It seems important for both me and R to find out if I'm always going to be a mono in a poly relationship, or if I can thrive as an actively poly person.

WHY is it important? To who? What is wrong with being a thriving monoamorous person in a polyship with a polyamorous person? What are you needing to thrive?


(Do you even mean THAT mono when you abbreviate? Do you mean monoamorous? Monogamous? What about poly? Do you mean polyamorous? Polysexual? Polyfidelitous? Please write it all the way out.)


Are we talking about love, sex, or BOTH? I am so confused. :confused:

GG
 
I don't recommend going out and getting a second partner just for the sake of it, anymore than I ever recommend single people go out and get a first partner just for the sake of being with someone.

But, if you meet someone and they seem compatible, then sure, see if it goes somewhere. But be aware that some people just aren't capable of loving two people at once. It doesn't mean you're any less of a person, or even any less able to be happy in a polyship. It just means that you'll have to satisfy your needs in a different way.
 
Stevenjaguar and SkylerSquirrel: I hear you, but given that being in love with one person seems to make me blind to other potential lovers, I think I may need to go a little bit outside my comfort zone here, or else I could be waiting for years to find out if having multiple intimate/sexual relationships is a possibility for me. And by "outside my comfort zone," I mean something like creating a profile on OkCupid and intentionally starting to meet polyamorous guys, as opposed to just waiting to find someone by chance.

GalaGirl: Apologies for being unclear. I'm pretty new here. : ) You raised some excellent questions. To try to clarify a little, I'm not certain that I personally could thrive in the long term as a monogamous person with a polyamorous partner. In my mind, he would be enjoying all the benefits of polyamory while I have none of the benefits of monogamy and only some of the positives of polyamory, most of them related to his fulfillment and happiness, along with the negatives of polyamory, such time management issues. In my perception, this is inherently not an equitable arrangement, and it's hard for me to think how I could offset that imbalance.

SchrodingersCat: Thanks for the reassuring words. How to get my needs met in other ways, though, is a huge question mark for me. I suspect that taking up horseback riding or climbing Mount Everest is not going to do it - it's the intimacy my partner shares with others that makes our relationship feel lopsided to me.
 
What needs are not going met that need offset? So far I'm only getting "not happy when he's off with other lovers because I don't have another lover for me." You say you are envious -- so you wish you had what he had. Another lover. I don't know if this would help you on jealousy...

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

What are pros/cons to monoamory (desire and ability to love one at a time) and polyamory (desire and ability to love several at one time) to you?

What are pros / cons to monogamy (closed and/or married to one partner) and polygamy (closed and/or married to several partners) to you?

I mean, if it ends up that you are monoamorous and give being in a polyship a try in the dating world and then discovered that it is not for you after all?

That's ok to feel. Perfectly valid. You are allowed to try something and decide you don't care for it.

I guess I'm just confused still. Like... if this doesn't work for you -- can't we end this polyship? And then you go date others then? Find the monoship you seek that will feed you better so you can thrive? :confused:

GG
 
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SchrodingersCat: Thanks for the reassuring words. How to get my needs met in other ways, though, is a huge question mark for me. I suspect that taking up horseback riding or climbing Mount Everest is not going to do it - it's the intimacy my partner shares with others that makes our relationship feel lopsided to me.

It doesn't just "feel" lopsided, it is lopsided. Only you can decide whether you're truly comfortable with that. Sure, from a logical point, polyamory might "make sense." But that doesn't make it right for everyone.

I personally feel that polyamory works best when each relationship would be capable of standing on its own two feet, with all other partners out of the picture. Each relationship should, as much as possible, meet all your needs, all by itself. It's not like Meal Planning, where you have a steak to meet your protein needs, steamed peas to meet your vegetable needs, and baked potatoes to meet your carbs needs. Every relationship should be like shepard's pie, with the meat, peas, and potatoes all in one dish. Now, some pies might have more meat and fewer peas, others might have more potatoes, and someone else might even through some carrots in the pie, which you don't really need but discover you really like. But none of the dishes should be completely void of an entire food group.

I also feel that even in monogamy, you shouldn't have to be everything to your partner all the time. Every person needs to be responsible for having their own needs met. It's unfair to put that burden on anyone else, even your spouse. The only exception is children, who need their parents and community as they learn to grow into self-sufficient, healthy, happy adults.

I'm not so sure that polyamory keeps your relationships fresh. If anything, it allows you to fall into the "their grass is greener" trap. When you're in two long term relationships, things can get just as old as when you're in one. Polyamory doesn't inherently mean you're always dating someone new, even though it's an option. What it does mean is that you'll have to double the amount of hard work, every time you add someone to your life. If it's not something you truly desire, than it's a lot of work for not a lot of gain.
 
It doesn't just "feel" lopsided, it is lopsided. Only you can decide whether you're truly comfortable with that. Sure, from a logical point, polyamory might "make sense." But that doesn't make it right for everyone.
I agree with this. I also think, though, that there's some merit to the idea of "you don't know until you try". If you're curious about whether you'd be able to be poly yourself, then what's the harm in putting up a profile on OKCupid and seeing what happens? As long as you're honest about "I'm giving this a try but not sure how it'll go and how I'll manage everything" so potentials have the option of declining to participate in your experiment, it could help with the "not noticing people" aspect of getting out into the dating world. It's not like putting up a profile is any sort of commitment to going out with someone, so if you decide you don't want to after all, or you try it and it's not for you, then no harm, no foul.
What it does mean is that you'll have to double the amount of hard work, every time you add someone to your life. If it's not something you truly desire, than it's a lot of work for not a lot of gain.
I would even say it quadruples the amount of work, rather than double. I have work to do in my relationship with MC, and I have work to do in my relationship with TGIB, and then there's EXTRA work since I'm also managing the balancing act between the two relationships. Rather like GG's polymath.
 
I hear you, but given that being in love with one person seems to make me blind to other potential lovers, I think I may need to go a little bit outside my comfort zone here, or else I could be waiting for years to find out if having multiple intimate/sexual relationships is a possibility for me. And by "outside my comfort zone," I mean something like creating a profile on OkCupid and intentionally starting to meet polyamorous guys, as opposed to just waiting to find someone by chance.

I agree with ThatGirlInGray's perspective on this, but I should clarify my response: Go out and make friends within the poly community if possible. That way you don't have the monostream expectations getting in your way, and the other poly's will be more likely to understand your situation.

(Was that the correct usage of "monostream," by the way?)
 
I have had a live in monogamous bf for several years now (MonoVCPG) and recently he allowed his heart to wander. He had promised me over and over again that he never would and that he would only ever look to me for his needs to be met. It was alarming and devastating for me when that promise was broken. You can follow in my blog what happened (march 2012 on).

Monogamous promises of commitment are very different and I wonder if your partner sees you as primary because he believes you to be monogamous. I might of missed it, but have you talked with him about your ponderings of dating? And your questions about whether poly is a good choice for you or not?

As a whole I agree with those here that suggest that you make friends and see what happens. The positive part of Mono opening his heart to the possibility of poly love was that he understands me enough now to find a comfortable spot within our lives together. He had some very strict boundaries before he crushed out on his friend and those have all lapsed to a place where I can reasonably fulfill his requests. What I am struggling with is trusting him that he means what he says when he says he wants to stay monogamous. I don't think I will ever trust him or likely anyone else if they ever make that promise again.

Btw MonoVCPG has written a lot on these forums in the past on "mono/poly" relationships. If you do a tag search you will find his posts and other fantastic writings.
 
Hi, Redpepper, and thanks for your insights. I've read quite a few of Mono's posts with great interest.

My partner does know that I'm considering dating and is encouraging me to do so. I do have some concerns that he'd like me to be non-monogamous because it will validate his own polyamory in some way. (He was monogamous until a few years ago and sometimes has a little bit of the fervor of the recently converted, almost as if he's still trying to convince himself that he's on the right path.) He says he's turned on by the idea of me having sex with other men, but I'm less sure he's prepared for what might happen if I also come to love another partner.

As far as why he sees me as primary, he says I'm the person he wants to spend the majority of his time with, the person he wants to come home to, the person he wants to build a life with over the long haul (and I feel the same way about him). But a little part of me wonders if there's more to it than that. Why seek out kinky/poly partners but then fall head over heels in love and pursue a primary relationship with an almost comically vanilla mono person? Is there something about my love for him and only him that's meeting an unacknowledged need or preference? And will his feelings for me change if I get emotionally involved with someone else?
 
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As far as why he sees me as primary, he says I'm the person he wants to spend the majority of his time with, the person he wants to come home to, the person he wants to build a life with over the long haul (and I feel the same way about him). But a little part of me wonders if there's more to it than that. Why seek out kinky/poly partners but then fall head over heels in love and pursue a primary relationship with an almost comically vanilla mono person? Is there something about my love for him and only him that's meeting an unacknowledged need or preference? And will his feelings for me change if I get emotionally involved with someone else?

Love is strange. I like the saying, "If you can explain the reasons 'why' then it's Like, not Love."

All of what you suggest is possible. But you can drive yourself crazy with worry by over-analyzing things.

Being poly, it's not "dangerous" for him to settle down with someone who doesn't meet 100% of his sexual/fetish needs, because he knows he can always get someone else to spank his tooshie. I personally don't operate that way, but it works for some people.

Very few of the people I've ever dated are the kinds of people I thought I was looking for, yet each of those relationships was satisfying in its own way. It's normal to have some insecurities and to question why someone is with you, but you can't let it rule your life.
 
Hi Paraselene,

You sound very thoughtful and mature. If you're curious about trying to date other people, why not go for it?

I don't believe that people are either "mono" or "poly" in clear, exclusionary categories. I think some people are less likely to have emotional/romantic/sexual feelings for others when they are already in love with someone; and other people are more likely to have those feelings for more than one person at a time.

I don't have much advice for you except in regards to your feeling that when you have a lover--someone filling your "lover" category--you become blind to all other men. That's perfectly fine of course, but if you are curious about exploring poly relationships for yourself (and why not?), yes, you will definitely have to make a choice to go outside your comfort zone and date deliberately.

Your comments reminded me of how I felt when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I still had feelings for him months later. I was in love with him and felt that my "lover" slot was filled. I knew he didn't love me back, but I felt like my heart was already "given." I hardly took notice of other men. But I knew that I would have to push myself to date again to get over him.

So I did. I went outside my comfort zone. And it turns out, the world is full of interesting men! In fact, I ended up connecting with a non-monogamous man who understood that I was not over my ex. He became the lover and supportive friend I needed at the time. My feelings for my first boyfriend didn't disappear just because I'd found someone new to love. (Thankfully, I got over my first love eventually, after I matured, got more life experience, dated a LOT more, and realized how immature he'd been).

But, my point is, I had to push myself to date when it felt unnatural to do so, and it was absolutely the right choice.

I guess the main question for you would be whether falling in love with someone else would cause you to fall out of love with your primary boyfriend. Mono people seem to experience that, although I don't understand it at all.

I think there's a lot of societal conditioning that you can only love one person at a time, so when "mono" people fall in love with a second person, they have to convince themselves they don't love the first person anymore.

I understand your fears that your boyfriend may somehow want your mono love for him to remain mono. Why not talk to him about that? You may only be imagining that he feels that way.
 
Thanks, MeeraReed, for your thoughts on going outside the dating comfort zone. My partner insists that he'd like me to date others, but I do doubt my own capacity to be emotionally/romantically attached to someone else without diminishing my love for him. For my entire dating life, I've loved one guy at a time, with long celibate stretches in between relationships, and beginning to desire a new man was always the signal to me that I no longer loved the previous partner. I worry that I would have to withdraw some of what I feel for my boyfriend in order to give it to someone else... and I also worry that at some point the balance could tip and I would want to be with the new person instead of (rather than in addition to) my boyfriend. Of course, finding out otherwise -- that I can date others without rejecting my boyfriend -- would be a game-changer not just for my own relationship options but also in comprehending how my poly partner's mind works.
 
My partner insists that he'd like me to date others, but I do doubt my own capacity to be emotionally/romantically attached to someone else without diminishing my love for him.

Jeez, why? That's ridiculous. Tell him to stop insisting!!! Do not let him even say those words!

Let him know that you are exploring the idea but doing so may not be a fit for you, and so he will have to deal with all the feelings he has about being poly while you are not. Don't ever do anything that doesn't feel right for you. Mono-poly relationships can work very well, but the poly person has no right to insist that their partner be poly too, if they really don't want to be. That is not respectful of who you are.

Think also of how shitty it would feel to be the person you would be with when they realize you're just with them to try and even the score and not because you are really moved to be with them. Come on!

If you feel open to it, if you feel a connection with someone, go for it, but don't force anything with anybody just to please your partner and alleviate his guilt or whatever. That would just be a major dumb move.

Why not invite him here to post his viewpoint? It might help his process if he read some responses to his "insistence."
 
Just to clarify, he did not insist that I start dating. I was referring to his repeated reassurances that he would be fine with my doing so and would be happy if I found that I enjoyed it. He has never, ever asked me to violate any of my own boundaries and has stated clearly that I should never do anything I don't want to do.
 
Okay, well that's cool. Thanks for the clarification. I haven't thoroughly read the whole thread but when you said he insisted that he'd like you to date others, it did sound like you were being pressured. Good to know that's not the case and you have the freedom to explore at your own pace, if you so choose.
 
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