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  #1  
Old 10-09-2012, 01:49 AM
texaschick texaschick is offline
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Default Need Advice on how to 'break up' but still be friends

My relationship with my secondary is very complicated. We have been friends for 25 years. He is friends with my hubby (Primary). We are all intertwined in a social circle. Not only is my secondary a lover , but he is one of my best friends. We literally tell each other everything.

However, there is a problem from which I wish to remove myself. My secondary has some major issues with cheating/deception. He has always been openly honest with me because he knows how I feel about honesty being a huge part of being poly. He's told me about all women he has slept with while we have been together.

Recently, he became involved with a woman who is mono. He introduced her to us this past weekend. They spent three nights with us. The problem is , after meeting her , I absolutely adore her. I can't conceive continuing a sexual relationship with him if he isn't going to own up to it to her.

I want to keep the friendship and the emotional aspect of our relationship (which she knows about) and eliminate the sexual aspect. This will keep any of us from getting hurt.

Is this a slippery slope? Is it possible? He and I have always discussed that this could happen one day if he did met someone he liked who is mono. However, I'm not certain how he will handle it. I have made peace it will have to happen. I won't be involved in deceiving her and ruining their relationship.

Also, on a side note. I know he is incapable for monogomy for any length of time (he has said as much), so part of me wants to continue because he will probably be sleeping with others in a few months when he gets bored.

Should I follow my conscience and do the right thing?
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  #2  
Old 10-09-2012, 02:11 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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It's not about breaking up with him so he can be in a monoship with her forever-and-ever, it's about breaking up with him so YOU can stop enabling his deception. Whether his relationship with her lasts very long doesn't matter. If they break up, then maybe you can get back together.

Quote:
I can't conceive continuing a sexual relationship with him if he isn't going to own up to it to her.
I think you should set this simple limit: I will not be your lover while you are hiding me from another of your lovers.

You say he's your best friend and you tell each other everything. If this is true, he should be able to tolerate you setting this boundary without it ruining the friendship and emotional connection you say you would like to keep.

Having this as an absolute boundary will also help prevent you from getting into situations like this in the future.
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  #3  
Old 10-09-2012, 03:02 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
... he is one of my best friends. We literally tell each other everything.
Good, then you should feel slightly more comfortable saying what you have to say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
However, there is a problem from which I wish to remove myself.
Then you SHOULD remove yourself, and take an objective stance on how you should proceed - your discomfort is your "red flag" (it may be a false "red flag" but it deserves consideration).

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
My secondary has some major issues with cheating/deception.
Red flag here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
He has always been openly honest with me
...as far as you know...

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
He's told me about all women he has slept with while we have been together.
That you believe this ... I get. Whether it is true...can't say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
...I absolutely adore her. I can't conceive continuing a sexual relationship with him if he isn't going to own up to it to her.
What if you absolutely couldn't STAND her? What if she was a complete BITCH? Could you conceive of it then?

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
I want to keep the friendship and the emotional aspect of our relationship (which she knows about) and eliminate the sexual aspect.
This sound like an excellent plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
This will keep any of us from getting hurt.
Well, no, actually it won't necessarily keep ANYONE from getting hurt. What it will do is help you reassure yourself that you did YOUR PART to reduce the risk of hurtfulness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
He and I have always discussed that this could happen one day if he did met someone he liked who is mono. However, I'm not certain how he will handle it.
You are not responsible for his response. You are only responsible for your own actions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
I have made peace it will have to happen. I won't be involved in deceiving her and ruining their relationship.
Kudos to you. You won't be involved in the deception and whether they ruin their relationship or not is up to them (I kinda think they will if she is mono and naive and he is poly-ish and deceptive - but I am a cynic that way...

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
Also, on a side note. I know he is incapable for monogomy for any length of time (he has said as much), so part of me wants to continue because he will probably be sleeping with others in a few months when he gets bored.
I get this. He is going to fail, he will be back, why bother putting yourself on hiatus for the inevitable? Because it is the right thing to do? Because you will feel better about yourself? Because one of these times he may ACTUALLY realize that he is fucking this up and he should have no one to look at but himself when he is searching for someone to blame?

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
Should I follow my conscience and do the right thing?
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Yes - regardless of how this turns out you will always have to look back on this and wonder if you did the right thing - so do it, so you have no questions as to your part in the outcome.

I really like SkylerSquirrel's response:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
I will not be your lover while you are hiding me from another of your lovers.

You say he's your best friend and you tell each other everything. If this is true, he should be able to tolerate you setting this boundary without it ruining the friendship and emotional connection you say you would like to keep.

Having this as an absolute boundary will also help prevent you from getting into situations like this in the future.
Sorry if my reply sounds harsh. I've made my share of mistakes. There are several times in my life when I would have benefited from a good old smack upside the head (metaphorically). It is possible for people to rationalize around the facts to get to the answer that they want - god knows that I have. It comes down to - "What choice can I make NOW that I will proud to have made LATER?"

Jane("Thank-goddess-for-second-chances")Q
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Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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  #4  
Old 10-09-2012, 07:54 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's good that you do not want to enable him to cheat. But is it really so much more ethical to stand there and watch him cheat with someone else?

Do you honestly think that merely discontinuing the sexual part will keep anyone from getting hurt? If he's willing to continue the sexual relationship with you behind her back, then he'll have no qualms about doing it with other women. That's just how he is. Until he sees that as a problem, even just being his friend and knowing that's going on is a form of enabling him.

Personally, I couldn't stand back and watch any of my friends cheat on their partners, without feeling a tremendous amount of guilt that I knew it was going on and did nothing to stop it. I could never be in the same room with her, look her in the eye, and not feel compelled to tell her what was going on.

What would happen if you encouraged him to tell her the truth, that he's really not monogamous? If you like her enough to protect her by stepping out of the sexual picture, then don't you think she deserves to know what her new boyfriend is really like?

I don't see how keeping his secret is any less deceptive than actually participating. But if that's what makes you feel better, it's your conscience...
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  #5  
Old 10-09-2012, 11:32 PM
texaschick texaschick is offline
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Thank you for your replies. You have some very valid points.

Let me start by saying , he is not a bad person. He just has a ton of emotional issues. Sometimes I do feel like I am enabling him in bad behavior.
However, I realistically realize I can't make his decisions for him. I can't make him tell her he is not monogomous.

We are getting together this weekend. I think I will discuss with him how I feel and encourage him to come clean with her.

This is my first truly poly relationship that was more than just an online emotional relationship so I'm treading on uncharted waters . I am learning every day what boundries I need.

I truly don't want to 'break up' with him. We have had a deep emotional connection for over 15 years (even when he was married) so it's not as easy as it sounds. However, the sexual relationship has come and gone at various times over the years. It is just something I feel I need to do for my own piece of mind.
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