Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #351  
Old 10-08-2012, 11:45 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,532
Default

I see this attitude a lot in the single, kid-free 20 something crowd. They can't understand why you can't just drop everything and go to the movies during the week. The kid-free 30 somethings, seem to have a better understanding of time constraints. I don't know if that's due to the fact that more and more of their friends have kids and they are just now used to it, their jobs are more stable and demanding, or they have just matured enough to not be so selfish.

I have a few friends that most of the time, I forget are only 23ish. Then they will say something and I go (to myself) "Oh, just you wait! Lets see what you have to say on this in 5-10 years".
Reply With Quote
  #352  
Old 10-09-2012, 12:12 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Nope. Not feeling accountablity in any way shape or form is sociopathic. It's not an age thing. 20 somethings understand accountability, they just may be avoiding it for the time being. To not accept that accountability exists is pathological and disturbing, as LR put it.

I can't continue to elaborate because i find this infuriating as well.

LR, if you are thinking that it is ultimatum time, i'm right there with you.
Reply With Quote
  #353  
Old 10-09-2012, 12:45 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,094
Default

The ultimatum has been dropped by me-as of last night when the discussion happened.
I laid it out as

this is non-negotiable.

I compared it to BDSM.
There is no room for play until negotiations of soft and hard limits has been established AND AGREED TO.

These boundaries are the soft/hard limits of our polydynamic. No agreement to them-no play. PERIOD.

He is devastated.
But-he understands BDSM negotiation well and agreed that it did make sense.

He also clearly grasped that the "it's too complicated" crap was CRAP after I gave the examples regarding the fact that EVERYONE has boundaries and limits-even singles and monos.
MOST don't state them and thus end up ruining relationships with unnecessary toe stomping-but the boundaries and limits exist none-the-less.

Everyone has time constraints, everyone has financial limitations, everyone has safer sex limitations (even if their limit is a free for all-that is their limit), etc.

Asking that someone be AWARE of ours before playing on our game board isn't "too complicated" it's actually respectful and considerate of THEM. I elaborated here:

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/1...-by-the-rules/
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #354  
Old 10-09-2012, 01:01 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Yeah i'm feeling a similar thing in one of my relationships but it is nowhere near as stressful as yours. But i'm starting to think it's time to let go.
Reply With Quote
  #355  
Old 10-09-2012, 01:28 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,094
Default

He's an emotional basketcase. It's all the more distressing for him because he is forever bent that I have someone else and he does not.
Of course there is a lot of work involved in building a relationship. GG has had to do a LOT of bending to have a relationship with me. He has had to let go of much more than this lady would need to because I don't have the same inscurity issues as Maca and am more willing to make allowances for someone else's comfort, pleasure and benefit.
BUT-I do expect clear and DIRECT lines of communication. Thats no longer negotiable.

I feel for Maca in terms of having a desire for someone. But I can't understand it. I have never dated out of a desire to 'find someone'. I have found people along my path that became partners. The idea of searching for a partner baffles me. I can't even fathom how that works.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #356  
Old 10-09-2012, 01:40 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,118
Default

I have to just say, I do understand a bit abut the gf's resistance and her saying "it's too complicated." To me, it's not really about her age (thoughit may be about her experience - or lack thereof - with relationships), but simply about the choice between a high-maintenance relationship or a low-maintenance one. Obviously someone who has a spouse and several children will likely be more high-maintenance than someone single. Add to that a poly dynamic with a comprehensive list of rules, such as you have, LR, of course it's freaking complicated! I think I would say the same thing she did. It would be far too complicated for me. But then... knowing that, I WOULD WALK AWAY.

The problem is that she says "it's too complicated," but does nothing. She still expects Maca to be with her anyway. She still wants it, even though it's too complicated for her to be involved with him because she doesn't want your boundaries to affect her. What she should do is stop getting his hopes up and say goodbye instead of trying to ride it in the middle and still keep stringing Maca along as if she is going to abide by the rules, when she clearly doesn't wish to. I feel for him, but I hope he doesn't misdirect his resentment at you (because I do have a feeling he will grow resentful about it), when she is the one who is not playing fairly by wanting to eat her cake and have it too, and he is just being too desperate to see that.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 10-09-2012 at 01:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #357  
Old 10-09-2012, 02:01 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 76
Default

Just wanted to add that everyone does have limits, but some people's limits are more complicated than others. My personal reaction when I read through your boundary list was "whoa ... too many rules." That doesn't mean that rules are bad. That just means that I know my own preferences - I like a few simple, commonsense, broad rules instead of hammering out a bunch of details. I know what I'm looking for in a relationship, and that is not it.

So I basically agree with everything nycindie said.
__________________
Independent polyperson seeking friendships, in which physical intimacy may or may not develop.

I do not wish to attach to any particular person. My love knows no limits.
Reply With Quote
  #358  
Old 10-09-2012, 02:19 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,056
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
H I have never dated out of a desire to 'find someone'. I have found people along my path that became partners. The idea of searching for a partner baffles me. I can't even fathom how that works.
THIS I completely understand. I have never "looked for" anyone in my life (friend, lover, partner). I have "fallen into" any relationships (friend, lover, partner) that I have ever had. To be fair though, I never actually dated, I did go one a few "dates" when I was young - they were uncomfortable, I didn't like it, I decided to never do it again.

For me (I relate this to personality type, as I recently discussed in my "Notebook" blog on this site) - either you are a nice person that I will talk to again should the opportunity arise but have no extra interest in seeking you out, or you are one of "my people" that clicks from the onset and our relationship goes deep right away. (If you are not a nice person then I have no need to talk to you again...ever.)

I guess I view it - would I rather spend time relating to you or being alone? (I like myself, I have interesting ideas that I wouldn't mind contemplating further, I am perfectly happy having a discussion with myself if there is no-one more interesting to talk to). To be in a relationship with me (friend, lover, partner) - you have to add something to the conversation.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #359  
Old 10-09-2012, 02:39 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,094
Default

Nyc-that would be great, if she didn't hallen to be married with a live-in bf and child AND expect that THEIR boundaries. E respected and honored (like Maca can't go there when bf is home because bf doesn't like it).

It's not a matter of more or less boundaries, she has a whole series too. It's a matter of wanting things her way ONLY. Which-would be fine IF she wasn't also complaining that she wAnts to go on OUR family activities.

If he wants a fuckbuddy-he can do that, just can't bring them to our house or around me and the kids.
SHE wants the privilege of being at our family gatherings and activities as his gf-without the responsibility of respecting the rest of us (not just me).
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #360  
Old 10-09-2012, 02:48 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,094
Default

As for the boundaries themselves, as well the board knows, they are primarily all for Maca's benefit. He is severely insecure about my relationship with GG. He isn't willing to allow us more freedom. Those boundaries allow him to feel safer in our dynamic.
There could be less if he really actively pursued resolving his insecurities.

But-the basic necessity to deal with me and be companionable with me in order to be invited to participate in family functions will never ever change.

Anyone who wants to be around us as a group will be expected to treat EACH of us appropriately and if they flat refuse to even go to coffee with us-they won't be invited. That is just stupid.

Its also pertinent I suppose, to note, that no potential would be subjected to going over that whole list. Thats OUR list. It details agreed upon definitions for us, because we didnt define relationships the same. So we wrote down an agrred upon definition of what types of things fit under what term.

Likewise, there is no need to tell someone they can't shower in the purple bathroom together. Just take them to the other shower. Same with towels. Those towels are kept in my dresser. Why would anyone be digging in my dresser?!? They are written for our benefit, our understanding of what we need.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
commitment, family oriented, love, lovingradiance, progress, v formation, vee dynamics

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:48 AM.