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  #1  
Old 10-08-2012, 12:06 PM
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Default gf problem?

me and my primary partner are seeing j. is it common to for the other people ie my partner G and J too explore the physical side of their relationship more than the physical side of our relationship ie mine and J.

J told me she sees me as her gf but it feels like we are just friends with love involved.

is this a common factor in a threeway relationship?
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Old 10-08-2012, 12:21 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Based on reading multiple posts here I would say that it is VERY common.

The "equilateral triangle" ideal that many people starting out with poly are looking for is, I have observed, not very common. Many people struggle with this as their triangle turns into a Vee or lopsided triangle because they feel that the "only" way things are "supposed" to work is if everything is equal.

BUT every relationship is different, because people are all different. Relationships grow and develop (or don't) at different paces. And that is OK. Instead of focusing on their relationship and what is (or is not happening) it might be helpful to put your energy into looking at your relationships with each of them and see if you are getting (and giving) your needs and wants met (and likewise for them) within the confines of THAT relationship. It is up to them to work on getting their needs and wants met in their relationship.

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  #3  
Old 10-08-2012, 12:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Based on reading multiple posts here I would say that it is VERY common.

The "equilateral triangle" ideal that many people starting out with poly are looking for is, I have observed, not very common. Many people struggle with this as their triangle turns into a Vee or lopsided triangle because they feel that the "only" way things are "supposed" to work is if everything is equal.

BUT every relationship is different, because people are all different. Relationships grow and develop (or don't) at different paces. And that is OK. Instead of focusing on their relationship and what is (or is not happening) it might be helpful to put your energy into looking at your relationships with each of them and see if you are getting (and giving) your needs and wants met (and likewise for them) within the confines of THAT relationship. It is up to them to work on getting their needs and wants met in their relationship.

JaneQ
when I look at my relationship with J I was truly happy, that relationship has sort of fallen apart and not just mine and j's but our threeway relationship and her's with G.

she does text him telling him she misses him but if I text her saying I miss her all I get is'' your are so sweet'' or no reply but only once in a full moon do I get a miss you back.

I love her dearly but I wish I could explore the sexually side of the relationship but if I text her something with that natural she ignores it but if my oh does it, she will do it back, telling him all the time how good the sex is etc, makes me feel when we do have sex it isn't as good as him.

I know I should look at our relationship and see if I am happy with how it is going and not look at her relationship with my oh or anyone else she is seeing but its hard.
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:44 PM
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It sounds like it might possibly be a case of J being with you sexually because you and G, your primary, presented yourselves as a package deal. Is it that you only wanted a girlfriend to be with you both and required that she be with both of you, rather than see if she wanted to date one or the other of you separately? If that is the case, and she was really hot for G, then she might have felt that fucking you too was the only way she could be with G - the one that she is really into. She might not even be bisexual, or would just prefer to be friends with you but saw that in order to have a more romantic and physical relationship with G, she had to "do you" too. Or it could simply be a case of attraction and connection between you and her having its own ebb and flow - it can't always stay the same all the time.

I am just guessing, of course I don't know - but it sounds like a conversation might need to happen among all three of you.

I hate to see people sell themselves short like that and go along with having sex with partners they would rather not have sex with, but we've seen this sort of dynamic happen time and time again here. It usually seems best if a couple dates separately because this seems to be very common. It's just nigh on impossible for two people in a couple to find one other person who will relate to, develop feelings for, and be sexually attracted to them both all equally.
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Old 10-08-2012, 10:47 PM
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Quote:
It sounds like it might possibly be a case of J being with you sexually because you and G, your primary, presented yourselves as a package deal. Is it that you only wanted a girlfriend to be with you both and required that she be with both of you, rather than see if she wanted to date one or the other of you separately?

thanks for replying hun,

when we first started 'seeing' j we met her and her bf though a swingers, we had joint meets but I wanted alone time with both of them, the reason why because I felt uncomfortable with our first 4sum because it was really watching g and j having sex while b filmed so I decided to have alone time but the alone time with J stopped because g wanted to see her too and I was made to feel like I could not see her alone if at all because g missed her. so I gave up on alone time with her and j and g fell in love.

I fell in love at the same time but didn't tell her till a few weeks had passed, I thought I was the first to tell her however G had already told her but couldn't find a way to tell me which resulting in a lot of lies.

sometimes I do feel she would rather I wasn't in the picture so her and g can have their own relationship and not worry about upsetting me with their actions and love.

Quote:
If that is the case, and she was really hot for G, then she might have felt that fucking you too was the only way she could be with G - the one that she is really into. She might not even be bisexual, or would just prefer to be friends with you but saw that in order to have a more romantic and physical relationship with G, she had to "do you" too. Or it could simply be a case of attraction and connection between you and her having its own ebb and flow - it can't always stay the same all the time.
tbh this thought breaks my heart, she has had relationships with other women in the past, I am not aware the sexual side of their relationship but I do feel she leans towards men more. when I asked her a few weeks ago if I was her gf, she had a look on her face that said no but she said I don't see why not.

Quote:
I am just guessing, of course I don't know - but it sounds like a conversation might need to happen among all three of you.

I hate to see people sell themselves short like that and go along with having sex with partners they would rather not have sex with, but we've seen this sort of dynamic happen time and time again here. It usually seems best if a couple dates separately because this seems to be very common. It's just nigh on impossible for two people in a couple to find one other person who will relate to, develop feelings for, and be sexually attracted to them both all equally.
yes of course but I like to hear that different view as heartbreaking as it is, I wish she would just tell me the truth, she says she isn't upset about losing me as a gf but losing her best friend

I have tried talking to her till I am blue in the face.. g says I am overreacting and she says she loves me but sees me as her best mate.
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:01 AM
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It sounds like you know the answer to your question, but are refusing to accept it.

It's easy for G to say you're overreacting, he's got the best of both worlds and can't seem to put himself in your shoes. How would he feel if the tables were turned? If you met some hotty lesbian who put up with him just to be with you? He would probably like it about as much as you like your current situation. I doubt that he's even aware of the dynamics between you and her. He's a guy, they're kinda daft that way.

But, like it or not, it is your current situation. Although she's too chicken shit to say it explicitly, she's told you in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. She may feel that losing you romantically means losing your friendship, as well as possibly losing your boyfriend romantically. At this point, the quickest route to recovery might be for you to take the bull by the horns and tell her you can't be in a relationship where your romantic love is not returned. At that point, you need to decide if you can still be friends with her, possibly after a cool-down period. Letting her use your love to fulfill her friendship needs is not being fair to yourself.

Also, be aware that this probably isn't about you in particular. It's not uncommon for bisexuals to fall more to one end of the spectrum than the other. You say she's had relationships with other women, but you really have no way of knowing how intimate or sexual those relationships were. It could very well be that they were experimentation, and that she's more keen on the "idea" of being bisexual than she is keen about actually being with women.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-09-2012 at 01:09 AM.
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
At this point, the quickest route to recovery might be for you to take the bull by the horns and tell her you can't be in a relationship where your romantic love is not returned. At that point, you need to decide if you can still be friends with her, possibly after a cool-down period. Letting her use your love to fulfill her friendship needs is not being fair to yourself.
I agree that you it may be in your best interest to be proactive as far as making a choice, instead of just asking and talking and hoping for the answer you want. The magnanimous thing to do might be to step back and encourage G and J to grow their relationship and not add pressure on J to fulfill any role for you. Just be her friend, and his lover/partner. But I would say also that you need to come to terms with whether you can handle G and J being involved sexually/romantically while you and J remain friends only.

AND you know -- you can look for another partner for yourself, that G wouldn't also be with, too!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones View Post
she says she loves me but sees me as her best mate.
Hmm, is that really such a bad thing, though? How blessed you are that you are loved! Perhaps your mistake is trying to fit that love into a certain kind of box that it shouldn't be in.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-09-2012 at 01:25 AM.
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  #8  
Old 10-09-2012, 09:20 AM
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Quote:
It sounds like you know the answer to your question, but are refusing to accept it.
this could be a possible, I think more I don't want to accept it but writing it down and hearing other people's view as outsiders does make it clearer.

Quote:
It's easy for G to say you're overreacting, he's got the best of both worlds and can't seem to put himself in your shoes. How would he feel if the tables were turned? If you met some hotty lesbian who put up with him just to be with you? He would probably like it about as much as you like your current situation. I doubt that he's even aware of the dynamics between you and her. He's a guy, they're kinda daft that way.
he would feel very hurt I am sure.

Quote:
But, like it or not, it is your current situation. Although she's too chicken shit to say it explicitly, she's told you in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. She may feel that losing you romantically means losing your friendship, as well as possibly losing your boyfriend romantically. At this point, the quickest route to recovery might be for you to take the bull by the horns and tell her you can't be in a relationship where your romantic love is not returned. At that point, you need to decide if you can still be friends with her, possibly after a cool-down period. Letting her use your love to fulfill her friendship needs is not being fair to yourself.
I have taken a step back from her since sunday, we were suppose to spend the evening together but before they were due to come they cancelled, g is upset because yet again we haven't seen j and she is ignoring his questions to why she couldn't come. tbh I have been her friend while she sleeps with my oh for months now so my bed has already been made but I am not sure if I want to carry on with it anymore. something for me to think about.

Quote:
Also, be aware that this probably isn't about you in particular. It's not uncommon for bisexuals to fall more to one end of the spectrum than the other. You say she's had relationships with other women, but you really have no way of knowing how intimate or sexual those relationships were. It could very well be that they were experimentation, and that she's more keen on the "idea" of being bisexual than she is keen about actually being with women.
this is true, I have no idea apart from I know she has three men she is seeing and that doesn't include her bf.
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:26 AM
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I agree that you it may be in your best interest to be proactive as far as making a choice, instead of just asking and talking and hoping for the answer you want. The magnanimous thing to do might be to step back and encourage G and J to grow their relationship and not add pressure on J to fulfill any role for you. Just be her friend, and his lover/partner. But I would say also that you need to come to terms with whether you can handle G and J being involved sexually/romantically while you and J remain friends only.

AND you know -- you can look for another partner for yourself, that G wouldn't also be with, too!
I feel that we have just been friends for months now, their relationship has grown and set off down a very good road but apart of me wants that for us but I can't have it and I have to comes to terms with that.

I have my lovely a, we are growing very close and G shows no interest in getting to know him.

Quote:
Hmm, is that really such a bad thing, though? How blessed you are that you are loved! Perhaps your mistake is trying to fit that love into a certain kind of box that it shouldn't be in.
oh no its lovely to be loved, but what is that love, as a friend? a gf? a lover? If I knew what box to put the love in then great but I don't and I feel I have been told its love as a gf but now I am not so sure.
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