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Old 10-08-2012, 06:39 PM
paraselene paraselene is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Default Mono in poly relationship - should I try dating others?

Hi, everybody. This is my first time posting here, though I've been reading for several months. I'm glad to have found such a supportive community.

I'm a mid-40s woman, previously monogamous and content that way, now in a happy relationship with a poly man, R.

R told me on our first date that he was non-monogamous, and at first I was pretty hostile to the idea of sharing him with other women. But I surprised us both by asking him out on a second date. We've been together for six months now and consider our relationship to be "very, very primary" (his words). I'm still learning to defuse the fear and jealousy I feel when R is with his secondaries, but he's doing a good job of reassuring and supporting me, and things are gradually getting easier.

Now that I've seen polyamory close up, I have trouble picturing myself going back to monogamy. Poly makes sense to me in many ways -- not having to be everything to someone all the time, not struggling to keep one relationship fresh for the rest of your life, and so on. But while I have the intellectual understanding, I'm not yet feeling a gut-level drive to pursue multiple relationships myself. I seem to have one slot in my brain for "lover" and when that slot is filled, I barely notice other men.

My question is, should I try dating others and see how it goes? I'm very conscious that I shouldn't date to "even the score" with R, and I've been steadily expanding my circle of friends so I'm not lonely when he's out with someone else. However, much as I love and appreciate my friends, going out for pizza with the girls isn't as exciting as spending the night with a lover, and I definitely do feel a little left out and envious.

Also, I've never tried having two relationships at the same time, so I don't actually know if I'm capable of it, and it seems important for both me and R to find out if I'm always going to be a mono in a poly relationship, or if I can thrive as an actively polyamorous person.

Are there any monos here who've been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you approach it?
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