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Old 12-15-2009, 04:26 PM
LadyMacbeth LadyMacbeth is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 29
Default Boundaries vs. Coercive Manipulation

My husband Macbeth and I are relatively new to polyamoury and have found ourselves involved in some wonderful relationships and are in an "N" type situation. I have a boyfriend who is essentially monogomous, he has a girlfriend who is in a polyamorous relationship with her live in boyfriend. I am concerned that he (the boyfriend of my husband's girlfriend) is being manipulative and controlling and masking it as healthy boundaries.

Here is the situation, the boyfriend (we will call him B2) is involved in his own separate primary relationship. However, he is placing multiple restrictions on J (my husband's girlfriend) with daily shifting boundaries, with the rationale that her dates with my husband make him "feel bad." Here are the list of changes, first it was "you can't touch each other below the waist" then "you can touch each other below the waist, but need to limit your contact" then "you can proceed with no restrictions." Immediately after that it was "you can have overnights." Then, "you can't have overnights" followed by "you can only see each other once a week and not in our house" followed by "you can't see each other at all for a few weeks until I feel better."

Now, I understand each couple goes about arranging parameters in their own ways. However, he holds her to entirely different expectations that he is willing to place on himself. Eg, his girlfriend spends the night with him at their house, while J is there, J has no say related to his relationship. His rationale in asking them to not see each other is that it makes him "feel bad" and he "can't think clearly." He wants two week hiatus, with a "trial date" to follow, with the data being that they can continue to see each other on a limited basis if he "feels better" about it.

This all seems extremely emotionally manipulative. My husband is an emotional wreck and the shifting boundaries (they change on a daily basis) are creating great distress in almost all aspects of our lives. He loves this woman, and so do I...I think she is being emotionally abused.

Any thoughts would be helpful...
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