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  #1  
Old 10-04-2012, 03:43 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
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Default Rebuilding Trust?

Quick recap of situation posted on another thread:

My live-in E was pursuing a new possible interest, my friend D. After a number of boundaries were decided upon and agreed to - they immediately broke almost all of them. They had a public display of "making out" at a shopping center close to where my family lives - and my family is unaware. In full disclosure, I have a lover, JP, but we do not do PDA either. E vacillated on the relationship with D, saying he was going to end it, that he couldn't handle it but then deciding on going to discuss all boundries with D. He came home and told me that they had dicusssed and agreed upon boundaries - including items such as no sexual activity in front of her daughter. When I asked if he had at least given her a good-bye kiss, he said that he had but that nothing else had happened. Long story short - way more had happened then just a kiss or two. When I finally spoke with D 3 days later (he had told her to not speak to me for a few days so that I could calm down and he could "fix" things) she let me know that they had engaged in oral - something which he had still been denying at that point. By this point, he had claimed to have come clean 4 times. First they just kissed, then it was that they had "made out," then he had kissed her breasts, then it was hands down the pants... oh, and all of this happened while her daughter was awake and in the living room.

Trust is a huge issue for me - especially with E, as this situation has actually occurred before with him and resulted in our splitting up for several years.

He is now walking around acting the same way as he did before this breach in trust occurred. I have mentioned to him this site, as well as other ways for him to possibly try to mend the breach - doing nice things for me like cooking, cleaning, etc. I am numb over the whole thing at the moment and have been for a few weeks since it happened. I feel that he has tried to shift the blame - saying that if I hadn't "backed down" that he wouldn't have pursued a relationship with D. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't feel that I should have to keep telling him what to do and I'm not seeing him taking any of the first steps to working on himself that he said he was going to do. All I know is that watching him act like nothing has changed isn't working for me at all.

I'm looking for thoughts, support, advice.... Is it even possible to rebuild trust after someone breaks it twice in the exact same way?:
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  #2  
Old 10-04-2012, 02:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I am sorry you are going through this.

If I were in your shoes? I would make a plain list for myself of his actions and my actions. So I will pretend from your post that I am the GF and he is my BF.
  • Trust is a huge issue for me, esp with E
  • My ex E and I break up over his lies
  • I get back together with my ex a few years later even though I knew he was a liar in the past
  • We try polyship with my friend D
  • We make and agree to boundaries (A lie in his words --while he agrees in WORDS ...)
  • They break the boundaries (... his ACTIONS do different. He does not follow through on promises.)
  • E lies to me about breaking said boundaries
  • When I catch him in the lies, he "comes clean" 4 times and each time I find there is more. (Lies in his words again. But a truth in his ACTION -- he does do lying behavior. And keeps ON lying. So he's a known consistent liar. This is not new -- I knew this already.)
  • I am numb.
  • He tries to blame shift responsibility for his behavior on to me (A truth hidden in his ACTIONS -- he does not want to own his bad behavior. He expect me to just deal with it. )
  • I don't feel that I should have to keep telling him what to do
  • I'm not seeing him taking any of the first steps to working on himself that he said he was going to do. (Another hidden truth in his ACTIONS -- he does not want to own his bad behavior. He expects me to just deal with it. He won't follow through on promises again.)
  • Watching him act like nothing has changed isn't working for me at all. (A truth in his ACTION -- he will not own his bad behavior. He is ok how he is. He expects me to just deal with it.)

His words may say different but his actions are speaking his truth loud and clear. His behaviors are:
  • He will not tell the truth to me.
  • He will not change his bad behavior to me.
  • He will not own his bad behavior to me.
  • He expects me to just deal with his bad behavior toward me.
  • He will not follow through on promises to me.

Conclusion: This is STILL not a man of his word, even on the second chance relationship.

Quote:
Is it even possible to rebuild trust after someone breaks it twice in the exact same way?
Maybe the question ought to be...
With the information that I know about E and his continual habits in HIS behavior... how can I change MY behavior to better protect my own self from future emotional damage dings? (Because I do and can control how I behave even if I cannot control how he behaves?)
  • Do I behave the same and continue to keep myself in the line of fire by staying in this relationship where I feel numb and upset?
  • Do I behave different and remove myself from the line of fire by removing myself from this relationship so I can be free of feeling numb and upset?
  • Which choice protects me from future emotional damage dings best?
If I wrote that out for myself like that? I would break up and remove myself from this situation.

I choose ME and my overall long term well being in my mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health.

I have to put my OWN oxygen mask on first. For sure my bf E isn't gonna!

So that is what I would do in your shoes and I was E's GF. I do not know if that helps you.

Again, I am VERY sorry you are going through this. It sucks. Do what you gotta to to get you to the Healing Place fastest.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-04-2012 at 02:46 PM.
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Old 10-05-2012, 04:42 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
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GG - Thank you so much for the thoughts and support. It means a lot and really helped to put things into perspective for me. You're right - I can only control myself and my actions and I have to put on my own oxygen mask. I have to choose ME - and I do.
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:02 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Glad it helped then.

Again - I'm really sorry you are having to go through all this emotional upset like this. It is not fun to feel.

I hope your long term health improves though even if you have to go through some short term UGH-ness to get there! Hang in there!

hugs
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-05-2012 at 05:06 AM.
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  #5  
Old 10-05-2012, 07:30 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Too often, I see people come here asking how they can learn to trust their partner again. The problem is, many times, the partner simply is not trustworthy.

Say you go to your local grocery store, and every time you buy their meat, you get food poisoning. Would you try teaching yourself to eat their meat without getting food poisoning? Or would you quit buying meat from that store?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice.....
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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Old 10-06-2012, 01:33 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Too often, I see people come here asking how they can learn to trust their partner again. The problem is, many times, the partner simply is not trustworthy.
Exactly.

You cannot learn to trust. He must prove himself trustworthy, and since he's not here on the forum asking how he can do that, there's possibly nothing you can do but realize he doesn't have much interest in becoming trustworthy.

I have been through this, and finally learned that some people's only interest, after being caught in yet another lie, is how they can learn to lie better. Sad but true.
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Old 10-06-2012, 02:01 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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I recommend a 3-way conversation. Not to place blame or vent, but to establish ground rules that she agrees on, too. In front of you. In my relationship, it never would have worked if I didn't know, respect, and like my fiancee's girlfriend. I think unless you can develop that kind of openness and trust among the three of you, it's not going to work.
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Old 10-08-2012, 12:40 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Exactly.

You cannot learn to trust. He must prove himself trustworthy, and since he's not here on the forum asking how he can do that, there's possibly nothing you can do but realize he doesn't have much interest in becoming trustworthy.

I have been through this, and finally learned that some people's only interest, after being caught in yet another lie, is how they can learn to lie better. Sad but true.
Thanks for the response WhatHappened. You make a great point... I've shown him this thread - by sitting him in front of my computer and telling him to read it. At this point we are split up but I think I'm going to ask him to sit and read the thread again with all the additional comments.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar View Post
I recommend a 3-way conversation. Not to place blame or vent, but to establish ground rules that she agrees on, too. In front of you. In my relationship, it never would have worked if I didn't know, respect, and like my fiancee's girlfriend. I think unless you can develop that kind of openness and trust among the three of you, it's not going to work.
D was and still is a good friend - it wasn't that she didn't agree to the ground rules, but I think she followed his lead. This was her first foray into the world of poly and she's decided that it just isn't for her. She told me the truth even though it did make her uncomfortable and I respect her for that. Trust is extremely important, as well as respect and courtesy too.
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