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  #1  
Old 10-07-2012, 08:55 PM
cherilips cherilips is offline
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I have been dating a man for more than 5 years. We live in two different states which has always been an upsetting factor in our relationship. Recently, I decided to move in with him (this hasn't happened yet). Three days later he tell me that a woman he sees (who I knew about) has suggested that she be allowed to remain in a relationship with him as a second partner. When this was first presented to me I was like "hell no!". But, after giving it more thought, and speaking to the other woman, I've since agreed. I'm planning to move the first week in November and have joined this sight to educate myself and find some support and have questions answered to prepare myself for this new journey. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and really want to support him in this. He says it's something he needs to feel whole and to feel honest with himself and with me. I want an honest, intimate relationship more than anything...even if it's unconventional. I don't know how to do it except to just do it. He and I and his other girlfriend...neither of us have ever had this experience. I have plently of experience with "cheating" boyfriends...but don't think of this as that. I'm looking forward to starting my life with my boyfriend. I believe he is the right man for me...that we have a chance at a very good life together. But this entire thing kinda hit me outta the blue (not really outta the blue as I knew he would like a relationship like this if it were at all possible) and I'm still trying to absorb it all. I'm feeling particularly alone now though because I'd like to be celebrating with him....and knowing that they are now more bonded and together while I'm away in another state for another month. Trying not to be jealous. And I don't know if jealousy is the emotion. It's more of a lonliness. Wishing for some time with him to talk about this. Needing some reassurance from him. But I think my questions make him feel nervous that I'm not really okay with this. I am. I'm excited. But it's just very foreign. I wish I could explain. Hoping maybe someone on this forum has a similar experience that they can share with me and maybe some advice and encouragement.
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  #2  
Old 10-07-2012, 09:28 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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For clarification, when you say "dating" do you mean you didn't consider yourselves "in a relationship" even though it's been 5 years?

From my point of view, it sounds like you've been experiencing poly the entire time he was dating both of you.

What about moving in together changes that?
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  #3  
Old 10-07-2012, 09:59 PM
cherilips cherilips is offline
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I don't know what to call it. But for 5 years he's asked me to live with him and for various reasons on each of our parts that has not happened. And now that door is wide open... and I've wanted to be with him since the day I met him. I've kind of always been his dirty little secret and that's why the prospect of having this all in the open and for me to have a place in his life sounds so inviting. But, he keeps getting angry with me if I express any fear at all....whether it be about how we'll manage this style of relationship or even the fact that I'm moving to another state, changing jobs, living with someone after living alone for nearly 20 years, and all the changes coming. I'm excited about starting a life with him. And I'm excited to see how we function in this dynamic. I don't consider myself a jealous person...but that doesn't mean I don't have certain fears. He just won't listen to what those are. So, I'm not finding much comfort from him. So I came here hoping I might find a place where I could discuss how I'm feeling and see how others manage their relationships. I love this man with everything in me.
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  #4  
Old 10-07-2012, 10:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
he keeps getting angry with me if I express any fear at all....whether it be about how we'll manage this style of relationship or even the fact that I'm moving to another state, changing jobs, living with someone after living alone for nearly 20 years, and all the changes coming. I'm excited about starting a life with him. And I'm excited to see how we function in this dynamic. I don't consider myself a jealous person...but that doesn't mean I don't have certain fears. He just won't listen to what those are. So, I'm not finding much comfort from him
What does THAT mean?

He is not comfortable offering you support and nuture when you express fear? He expects you to "lump it" whenever you have a problem? Get the clarify there from him. Why is he angry when you express normal, natural worries when facing a huge life change?

After 5 years of dating him you are past NRE and should to be able to judge his character and his responsiveness to your needs/wants.

You have the right to reasonable support and nurture from your dating partner if you ask for help -- and certainly from a live-in BF!

You express a need for reassurance and he does what?

On jealousy -- try this article. What kind of jealousy do you have? Knowing the kind might suggest a coping method? How willing are you to do page 5 things if you are the jealous one?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

And is he going to do page 6 things if you are feeling jealous or not? Give the reassures needed or not?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-07-2012 at 10:11 PM.
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  #5  
Old 10-08-2012, 07:58 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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cherilips, this is raising all kinds of red flags for me.

You've been his "dirty little secret?" Why on Earth would you want to move in with someone who won't otherwise acknowledge your existence to his friends and family? If they know about this other girl, how are they going to react when he moves in with some woman they don't even know about?

Moving in together will add stresses to your life and relationship. It will get harder, not easier. If he's already not doing his part at being supportive, it's only going to get worse when you add in the stress of shared living arrangements.

I especially don't like the part where he gets angry at you for expressing reasonable concerns. Moving to a new city and starting over is a big deal. Trust me, I've done it. It was enough of a challenge when we had already been living together for a year, and my partner was understanding and supportive.

When you move, you'll be giving up your whole support network. Take it from someone who's been there, a phone call is no replacement for a hug. If what you're walking into is not supportive, you'll be in for a rough ride.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #6  
Old 10-09-2012, 03:26 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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>Headshake<

OK - I'm trying to understand what is going on, so that I can try my hand at advising but there are a couple of factors here that are not making sense to me so I have some questions.

*****

To try to streamline - my understanding is:

You have been in a Long-Distance Relationship (LDR) with your boyfriend for 5+ years. (Although you say "dating" - so maybe you aren't considering it a "relationship" until you move in?)

During this time he has been asking you to move in with him - which you have now agreed to.

ALSO during this time he has been seeing someone locally - which you have known about. 1.) I am assuming she is local because you talk about them being "bonded and together" while you are out of state. 2.) I am also assuming that she knows about you since she "has suggested that she be allowed to remain in a relationship with him as a second partner."

For some reason, that is unclear to me, you were under the impression that if you moved in with him then their relationship would end. She also seemed to be under this impression - since she is suggesting that this does not have to be the case.

So, where did this impression come from? Did you and he have an agreement that he could see people locally while you were living in different states? Have you been seeing other people locally as well?

"I've always kind of been his dirty little secret." Why? Or rather, in what way? Is it because he has been casually dating this woman locally and hasn't mentioned to friends and family that he has a LDR girlfriend as well in case they are seen out-and-about and he doesn't want to be viewed as a cheater? How long have they been seeing each other? Has he dated other women locally during this time? Did they know about each other?

You say "I'm looking forward to starting my life with my boyfriend." Which makes it sound like you are embarking on a whole new relationship, rather than a new stage of your journey in an established relationship. How do you see your relationship changing as you transition from LDR to co-habitation?

After 5 years of talking about moving in together it seems like you would have worked out a lot of this stuff already. During the last 5 years, how much time have you actually spent together? Visiting each other for weekends? Staying with each other for extended periods of time? Traveling together?

I find it strange that someone you have been dating for 5 years, who has been asking you to move in with him, is not providing you the support and reassurance that you need in making a major life change (moving to a different state, changing jobs, living with someone else). This is completely outside of the weird-poly-ish dynamic...where he is seeing someone else and you assumed he would stop when you agreed to move in with him.

Is there some other component to this that would help explain some of the above? Is there a BDSM/kink factor going on - for instance, where you are moving from an online Dom/Sub time-limited relationship to a 24/7 thing and she is a local "play partner"?

Again, just trying to understand how things have evolved to this point so that appropriate advice can be given...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-09-2012 at 03:33 PM.
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  #7  
Old 10-09-2012, 04:02 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I've got to leave for work but just had another random, disturbing thought that I thought I should throw out there...

*******

For 5 years he has been asking you to move in with him. For 5 years this hasn't happened.

WHAT IF, at some point during those 5 years, he came to the conclusion that it just was never going to happen? WHAT IF he kept asking because that has been part of your "dating dynamic" and he didn't want to rock the boat? WHAT IF, he (consciously or unconsciously) has been structuring his life/other relationships on the assumption that the asked for move was not ever going to happen? WHAT IF, now that you have finally agreed to move in he is having second thoughts about what he has been asking for?

That would suck if it were the case - but better to address it now than AFTER you have moved in.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #8  
Old 10-18-2012, 03:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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>JaneQ hearing crickets here<

...so, how has this developed? Are you still planning on moving in the first week in November? Have you talked to him about the questions/issues raised here?

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #9  
Old 10-18-2012, 03:30 AM
cherilips cherilips is offline
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I think that you're most likely right when you suggest that he's continued to ask me to move to TX even after believing that I would never come and pursuing other live-in relationships instead. He's lived with 3 women since we began seeing eachother. The reason I expected that the relationship with his current girlfriend would end was because he minimized it to me and told me it was more a relationship of convenience. Only after my coming to him and telling him I wanted to move in did he confess that there was more to it than that and that he loves her. They've been seeing eachother 2 years....some of which was spent living together. He didn't tell me about this until about 2 weeks into our planning on my moving there. Then he suddenly springs it on me and presents it as something I will accept or will not be allowed to come. This hurt me more than I can express. But, then I decided that it really wouldnt be any different than how we've fashioned the last 5 years. And I don't even know if I'll stay when I get there at this point. But I feel like I should at least be open to it since we've always dated other people anyway.
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  #10  
Old 10-18-2012, 03:58 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherilips View Post
I think that you're most likely right when you suggest that he's continued to ask me to move to TX even after believing that I would never come and pursuing other live-in relationships instead. He's lived with 3 women since we began seeing eachother. The reason I expected that the relationship with his current girlfriend would end was because he minimized it to me and told me it was more a relationship of convenience. Only after my coming to him and telling him I wanted to move in did he confess that there was more to it than that and that he loves her. They've been seeing eachother 2 years....some of which was spent living together. He didn't tell me about this until about 2 weeks into our planning on my moving there. Then he suddenly springs it on me and presents it as something I will accept or will not be allowed to come.
I can't say that I am surprised but I would rather NOT have been close to right.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cherilips View Post
This hurt me more than I can express. But, then I decided that it really wouldnt be any different than how we've fashioned the last 5 years. And I don't even know if I'll stay when I get there at this point. But I feel like I should at least be open to it since we've always dated other people anyway.
Please be careful and make sure that you have a "plan B" - money and somewhere to go if it doesn't work out. I am troubled by his "minimizing" his relationship with the other woman, and keeping information from you that should have been pertinent to the life-changing decisions you were making.

"Should" is a difficult rationale for doing something - make sure that what you are doing is what you really want to do, what you think is healthiest for yourself and your future happiness. "Shoulds" can lead people to make decisions that they regret.

Living together can be very stressful - especially if you are used to living alone and you two are not starting off from a rock-solid position. I hope things work out for you but PLEASE make sure you take care of your own needs first - I don't get the impression that you can trust him to take care of YOUR needs at this point, so look out for yourself.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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