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  #91  
Old 04-16-2012, 01:48 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 45- A nice surprize!!

I had the pleasure of having a sexual encounter with two "swingers" (a male and a female) and at the end of the evening, we found ourselves making plans to spend a few days together- just the three of us- later in the year.

I’ve known Diane for about 18 years. We’ve been good friends. She has lived 5 hours away for the last 10 years, but we have stayed in touch and when she comes to town to visit family, we spend time together.

We met at church about 18 years ago. It was a Unity type church, so it was more open minded than a traditional conservative church. At the same time, we were both sexually conservative. Neither of us believed in casual sex and we had lots of boundaries about sex. Neither of us would have considered having sex with a guy right after meeting him.

Fast forward 16 years and Diane is complaining that she hasn’t been laid in over 2 years. About that time, I was experimenting with polyamory for the first time. I shared my thoughts and experiences with her. About a year later, when we could see that things were going good for me, I urged her to set up a profile on a swinger/poly dating site which she did. She jumped right in and now officially calls herself a swinger.

Since I’m bisexual and it’s been difficult for me to find a woman for myself, I’ve entertained the idea of what it would be like with Diane. She considers herself “straight” but dates couples and has had some good experiences with women, so she has expressed an openness in seeing what might happen if she and I would pursue something.

Well- we had the opportunity to have a FMF this weekend and OMG it was awesome! As I mentioned before, the three of us felt such an interest in one another that we are talking about developing more as a threesome!

For me, this is about transcending labels. Not as much avoiding labels, but not taking labels so seriously.


Sometimes, when polyamory people date and begin to have sexual relations with one another, it can resemble swinging. And sometimes when swingers find intimacy with one another, it can resemble polyamory. The lines aren’t as clear as people make them out to be. Polyamory people don’t want to be labeled as swingers because they want to be seen as focused on emotional intimacy and love- not just sex. Swingers want to have the sexual connection without the drama that love and NRE can bring, so they take the label of swinger as a protective measure which is supposed to keep them safe.

Well, guess what….a swinger label will not necessarily insure that a swinger will not fall in love and a poly label will not necessarily insure that a poly person will find more than a sexual connection.

So- I'm excited and we'll see where this goes!! Yeah!!
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Last edited by idealist; 04-16-2012 at 01:57 AM.
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  #92  
Old 08-21-2012, 09:57 PM
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Default Idealist Polyblog- part 46-- catching up

It's been a while since I've posted on my blog and I'm planning on getting back into it. I still enjoy reading everyone else's posts!!

So, my current configuration is that I still live alone and my primary male partner is Richard. He also lives alone and his 2nd home is 2 1/2 hours away- while his Primary home is in the town I live in. We've been together for about 10 years now- with a few one to two year separations within that period. His secondary partner (that he had been seeing for 2 years) has gotten into a mono relationship, so he isn't seeing her any more.

Interestingly enough- he recently re-connected with his first ex wife. They were only married for a few years and that was when they were really young. She lives in another state and they have stayed in touch all these years. A few weeks ago, he flew over there and spent a few days with her. She knows about me (we've talked on the phone) and about our lifestyle. They had a great time together and she had a bit of an emotional episode- minor- about a week later where she expressed some sadness about enjoying his company so much and now facing the long distance between them and the desire to have more of him.

Which wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that he is working full time and (still- it's been a year since he bought it) remodeling his second house while also maintaining his first house. Not to mention that he likes to spend time with me on weekends and we have a social life also. The fact that she is long distance makes it more difficult to fit her into the schedule.

The subject has been discussed a lot on this forum--- of time being one of the issues that comes into play when living a polyamorous lifestyle. With the presence of NRE and other exciting emotions, it can be a challenge to enjoy a new relationship, or the reviving of an old relationship while keeping it in perspective and allowing it to flourish with the amount of time there is for it.

I have a guy that I am really interested in, but our main obstacle is that his wife isn't really into me or Richard and she is not feeling super generous when it comes to sharing her husband with me. I'm being patient (it's been 3 years since we met) and he and I have only had one intimate evening together. She let him visit me at a Hotel in New Orleans with a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement-- so she doesn't know for sure what happened that night between us-- which is fine with me, but I wish she were more interested. The frustrating part is that I am very attracted to her also, but she is straight and doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know me at all.

I have rented a Condo on the Beach in Florida for the entire month of November and I have extended an invitation to them to visit me there. My goal is to get to know her better and I'm okay even if it is a vanilla weekend because I would like her to realize that I can be an interesting person and that I'm no threat to her. It wouldn't matter to me so much, but it seems to be important to him. They are pretty close-- they were childhood friends growing up and have been together all their lives. She has battled with (and overcome) cancer, and they were victims of Hurricane Katrina. So they've been through a lot together.

More later!.....
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:17 PM
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I have finally met the couple of my dreams! I will call them Carrie and Gary. It has been 2 ½ years since I set an intention and began to focus my attention on finding a couple.

Much is said in the polyamory community about the unicorn- that elusive bisexual single female wanting to be in a sexual relationship with a couple. That describes me and about 3 years ago I allowed myself to acknowledge my deep desire to meet a couple that I am mentally, emotionally and sexually compatible with.

That said- a true unicorn is sexually exclusive to that couple alone. I would not fit into that category. Now that I have discovered the world of non-monogamy, I can’t see myself going back to monogamy. Ethical non-monogamy is working very well for me at this stage in my life and I don’t see myself veering away from that.

My sincere desire for this ideal couple has been persistent and ever present. Not realizing it completely, I view every couple I meet through the lens of a Unicorn looking for her perfect couple and I have done so for many years now.

There are people on this site that just happened into a triad connection between a couple and a single female- they weren't looking for it. In fact, many people say- you will find it when you quit looking for it. And maybe that is partially true for me because I shifted my focus to finding couples that me and Richard are compatible with. And we have found 3 couples that we are mentally, emotionally, socially and sexually compatible with. We spend time with each of these couples and sometimes as a group. This was also one of my desires when I entered into a non--monogamous lifestyle- To create a social community of like minded individuals! We have plans in New Orleans for later in the month to attend an outdoor concert with all of our couple friends!

So, I guess my desire and determination combined with action steps (continuing to meet people and spend time with them) has finally paid off!!

Several weeks ago—while at the local lifestyle club, we ran into a couple we had met over two years ago when we first entered the lifestyle. Richard had no experience yet and I was still a bit unsure as to how I would react emotionally after being sexual with another couple or couples. This couple was experienced—they had been in the lifestyle for almost 10 years and they had been married for 35 years. Looking back, I’m pretty sure we were intimidated by them and we felt too inexperienced to pursue anything further with them- so we didn't.

Well, things have changed a lot in 2 ½ years! We have had lots of experience now and we feel very confident in the lifestyle.

Seeing them reminded me of how attractive they are to me. I found myself thinking “here is a couple that I could really enjoy”. She is friendly, talkative, sexy and confident. He is also confident and friendly- not as talkative, but not shy either- a perfect gentleman.

I couldn't remember everything we had talked about when we first met, so I asked her if she is bisexual. She said “yes” and the more we talked the more I remembered that she had expressed a desire to have a female partner- for herself mainly, but someone that could also enjoy her husband.

This is a woman who truly wants and desires female intimacy and companionship first- which is hard to find. Often women are motivated primarily by how this turns on the men in their lives. Granted—I am a voyeur and I love “performing” for others, but my desire for female intimacy is genuine and deep rooted. It seems that Carrie feels the same way!

More later…….
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  #94  
Old 02-18-2013, 06:24 AM
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Default Need advice from married women with polyamory husbands

I met a guy and his wife almost three years ago. I'll call them Lee and Judy. Lee and I had an instant attraction. We danced and talked all evening. The chemistry was amazing!

We have stayed in touch and have done some things socially. Lee made it clear to Judy that he would like to have more of a connection with me including a sexual one and I also told my primary partner Richard that I would very much like to have an opportunity to spend more time with Lee.

Richard has been supportive, but Judy has been more hesitant. I have spent the time since we met making efforts to show Judy that I honor their 35 year marriage and that I am not a threat to their relationship.

This weekend, Lee and I spent an incredible night together for the first time with Judy's permission. I would like to send her a small thoughtful gift to represent my appreciation for her and to stand as a symbol to her that I will continue to honor what they have together.

After one of the most passionate and erotic nights of my life, my thoughts were on her today as I waited to hear from Lee that she is okay today. He assured me that "Judy seems very okay". I know things can come up later, so I will feel better if she still feels okay a week from now and even better if I can continue to see Lee occasionally with her blessings.

My question to you guys- what are some of the ideas you can come up with as a small gift to her- a simple small gift.

One thought I had was a small heart shaped crystal container with a top- the kind you can put earrings in etc. I have one at home and one at Richards house and I enjoy them.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
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Old 02-18-2013, 08:02 AM
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Since I am reading through the life blogs...your past words and future polite niceness would be enough, I would actually feel pretty uncomfortable if somebody gave me a physical gift after having sex with my husband for the first time. I don't mind if metamours give me gifts on holidays, birthdays (and I like giving gifts then too), but a "I just had sex with your partner and I think your partnership is super awesome, and you don't have to worry that I have ill intent" gift would probably make me feel really weird when I was feeling OK before then.
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Old 02-18-2013, 11:42 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I have to second Anneintherain here. I would feel very weird if one of my husbands girlfriends would give me a personal gift.
If gift-giving is important to you you might consider giving them something they can share, like a nice bottle of wine or some home made cookies or something. This I have experienced and enjoyed (and have done it myself for BF and his partner).
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  #97  
Old 02-18-2013, 02:23 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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I agree with Cleo and AnneintheRain. It would make me feel uncomfortable every time I looked at it if someone gave me a "thanks for letting me shag your husband for the first time" gift. Not that I usually have issues with my husband being with other people, but just the connotation of that gift just would vibe wrong with me. My husband's girlfriend has gotten me peaches when she goes to the farmer's market in the summer because she knows that I love them. Something like that, that can be consumed and not be a constant reminder of the situation and the reason for the gift, would probably be the best if you feel compelled to give her something.
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Old 02-18-2013, 11:11 PM
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Default Thanks for the feedback!

Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I’ve decided to do nothing right now. This is what I needed to hear and I knew I could find the answers I was seeking from wives who can relate!

Anneintherain - I understand that my true desire is simply that she is okay and if she is okay then there is really nothing I need to do. I’ve already done all of the work which has been keeping healthy boundaries and because of that it is best that I do nothing at this time!

Cleo- I really like your idea of something they can share. And I’m thinking that this gift would be given later….not now. Any other ideas of things they could share?? I would be mailing it to them.

Hannahfluke-Your point really hit home for me. Thanks. This is what I needed to hear. My boundaries are back in place!
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Old 02-18-2013, 11:14 PM
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I wanted to add that Lee thought sending Judy a gift was a good idea and he sent me their address (I've never been to their home) but I will share what you guys have said with him and go from there!
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Old 07-16-2013, 02:37 AM
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Default I fell in love with his wife! and it shocked me!

Hello all - it's been a while! I am still with Richard (as my primary partner) and everything is going good between me and a married couple I am calling Carrie and Gary. We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months and I can see that this could very well be a long term connection! They are stable, loving, sexual, friendly and have a great relationship.

My issue today is about something that happened last weekend with Lee & Judy. I met them 3 years ago. 5 months ago, she let him come and spend the night with me for the first time. I just found out today that it is the first time she has been comfortable enough for him to spend the night with a girl friend.

After that evening, I had gotten some much needed advice here from Annieintherain, Cleo and Hannahfluke about sending a gift to her- as a thank you for trusting me enough to let him spend the night with me. They advised that I should not send her a gift or that if I did, I should give something to both of them that they could share- or something for the house. I took the advice and am so glad I did, because he has another girlfriend that sent the wife a gift (trying to win her over) the wife told me directly how tacky she thought that was. (I gave them a nice candle when I got there this weekend and that seemed fine!)

Anyway…..last week they invited me to come to their house on Saturday to go out for dinner, dancing and music. And- to spend the night….in the guest bedroom……it’s a big step for all of us. So- I agreed. I found out today that I was the first person to be invited to spend the night also.

She and I still hadn’t had any quality social time together, so I was glad that they were at the place where they were ready to take that step. She knows I am bisexual and she is straight. In all of these years she hasn’t expressed any interest in getting to know me on any level, so I have respected that.

Which is why I was so surprised when she opened up to me and shared some really personal and emotional things about herself with me. We had a lot of fun, dancing, laughing and sharing. It was like I had known her all my life.

So- why did I start crying on the way home and again that afternoon when talking to a friend about it. Even today as I talked to another friend, I cried.

When I woke up this morning and thought about it, I heard myself in my mind say “I fell in love with her this weekend.” The sadness is about the fact that it will be unrequited since she is not bisexual- so my thoughts are…… I can’t let her know about it because if she finds out it could ruin everything.

The sadness is also about the fact that I could be hurt now. Because of these intense and unexpected feelings for her, if she rejects me now then I could be hurt. I’m not as concerned about that, but some of the emotions are also about how vulnerable I feel now. I don’t want to hurt her in any way either- I never have wanted to- and now that I have seen her vulnerable side, I am in full awareness of the responsibility that comes with being in my position.

He wants me in his life and I want him in my life. But- I found that after being with both of them, I could finally see his total self. I shared with both of them on Sunday morning that until now, something was missing. She asked “what was missing?” and I said “You.” The two of them are so much a part of each other that being in love with one of them is not ever going to be a complete experience. But now that I have connected with her, I so desire loving them as a couple. I just don’t know how to do it, but maybe I don't need to know.....can't know right now. I have a deep and authentic desire to love them in my own way and to express it in a way that they are individually comfortable with and comfortable with as a couple.

After talking with several friends, this is my conclusion: Just move forward one day at a time and be myself. It is her decision on how much time she and I or the three of us spend together. And I will honor whatever she is comfortable with.

That said, I really hope to spend more time with them. The three of us have never been sexually intimate. She is simply not ready for that and may never be. But- he told me that he’s not sure why because her favorite sexual configuration is a three-way. I’m thinking it has something to do with the fact that they have always had casual sexual relations….. and when I came along- that’s not what I’m about. So- maybe there is a fear brought on by the heightened emotional intimacy.

In any case- I know there are many wise polyamorous people here. I have benefited greatly from this forum. If anyone has any words of wisdom or feedback, I would be happy to hear it!!
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