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  #521  
Old 10-05-2012, 09:53 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
If writing this out serves to do one thing only, it's to remind me how incredibly, incredibly lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. <3


There's a part in Pat Barker's novel, Border Crossing, where the hero, Tom, argues that he's not interested in a sexual relationship with Martha, a colleague, because it would be as (un)exciting as 'pulling on an old, warm, well-trusted sweater'.

Do I need to tell you that he changes his mind?
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  #522  
Old 10-05-2012, 08:24 PM
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That's lovely.
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  #523  
Old 10-13-2012, 08:03 PM
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For National Coming Out Day, I decided that I wanted to post on facebook about being poly. All of my friends and close family know, but I'm "friends" with a number of acquaintances, co-workers, and extended family members who don't. I'd thought about doing it in previous years, but had never quite had the guts until now. I checked with Gia and Davis first, to make sure it was ok with them. Even though I didn't plan to name them explicitly, people might well guess with Gia. As for Davis, his dad is my facebook friend, and his parents certainly hadn't known previously that I was dating anyone other than their son. They both said to go for it. I was especially impressed by Davis's agreement. He said that while he had mixed feelings about being out, it was important to him to stand by the choices we'd made together, and that if we needed to have a conversation with his parents, we would.

I got a bunch of "likes" (including one from my dad!) and a number of positive comments from friends. I'm glad to have done it, and I'm excited about just maybe helping to build a future in which closets are just for clothes.

Everything else is about the same. Missing Gia, looking forward to seeing Bee, trying not to focus on Eric, working on things with Davis, y'all know how it goes with me.

One new mini-development, I suppose -- at a party that Gia helped to organize a year and a half ago, I was responsible for setting up a little kink exploration corner, which went over pretty well. As part of that night, I did wax play on a friend of a friend, a cute little wisp of a young man named Trevor. It was the first time he'd ever tried anything like that and he was surprised by how much he liked it. He had another friend flog him with a metal cat o' nine tales (ow ow ow) later that same night.

I ran into Trevor and a few other friends at a bar a couple of nights ago. After a couple of rounds, he mentioned to me that he was very, very interested in trying more things related to receiving pain and subbing. The rush that I felt, the strong predatory reaction, really surprised me! I wanted *very* much to help him explore his interests, to get him down on his knees, to see what he could take, watch him shiver. BUT, of course, that's not exactly an option right now. :/

I asked Davis weeks ago how he'd feel if I slept with Eric without Gia there. He said he wasn't sure, and that he wanted time to think about it. It confuses the hell out of me. How on earth is it ok to be with him in the context of a threeway, but not ok without the magical talisman of Gia's presence?? But, hey, it's not like we'd have much if any opportunity to do it, anyway, and as much as I like Eric and would like to get into bed with him more often, it's not a priority for me. So, I told Davis to take as much time as he needed and to get back to me. Considering that he still hasn't made a decision, I highly doubt that playing with Trevor, even in non-sexual ways, is remotely going to be on the table at this point.

Ah, well. I gave Trevor the name of a great, respectful dom who could help him out.

One other thing, actually, it came up in a casual chat online the other day that Eric isn't sleeping with Liza any more (background: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=505). I asked him why not, he said that Gia hadn't been comfortable with it and had asked if he would stop. He had thought it a little bit of a shame but wasn't terribly bothered, and stopped right away. At the time that I wrote the post linked in the parentheses above, I'd gotten very heated when talking to Gia about it, expressing in no uncertain terms that I thought he was making a mistake. I have to wonder, did she ask him to stop because I convinced her, or was it actually in a sense for my sake, or did it have nothing to do with me? I don't think I'll ask. I also learned, in the course of talking to Eric, that he, himself, had never had direct cause to believe that Liza was the crazy, sketchy, drama-queen that another friend of Gia's had convinced Gia that she was. That gave me pause yet again -- had I been too quick to condemn her myself? -- and also made me feel better about his judgment, which I had questioned at the time.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 10-13-2012 at 08:08 PM.
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  #524  
Old 10-13-2012, 11:58 PM
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Love the part about Eddie. When you come across those kinds of relationships, that gradual trust and understanding, where you can just be?

Hold tight.
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  #525  
Old 10-15-2012, 03:49 AM
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OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. Ok, so, this is going to sound insane. But for literally the last two years now I've been playing imaginary conversations in my head in which I tell Eric that I love him in various ways. I'm very focused on communication, I think about it a lot. When there's something important that I want to say to someone who matters to me, it drives me crazy not to say it. That's been true with my roommates, my parents, and it's certainly been true in this case.

I've been holding back on this particular topic so stubbornly because it's just seemed so especially pointless, unnecessary, and potentially problematic to speak up. Why upset the equilibrium for NO reason whatsoever? I haven't been able to answer that question, so I've chosen to stay silent, to wait for the need to speak to pass.

It hasn't, in all this time. I've been mulling that fact over for the past week or so, reflecting on the idea that, since this thorn in my brain just isn't going away on its own, I really owe it to myself to finally dislodge it... even if there's no advantage to it, even if it'll make my vulnerability more clear and explicit than I'd like, even if I'm afraid that it'll strip from me a certain degree of imaginary armor, even if I'm afraid that he'll treat me differently.

Just now, I FINALLY stumbled upon exactly the way I want to say it. And, with the phrasing that I want to use now finally in hand, I feel the clarity that I WILL say it, because I HAVE to. His reaction doesn't matter in the end -- this is about me doing what's right for me.

It's something that needs the right moment, so I still don't know when it'll be. But I will, of course, let you all know. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders.
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  #526  
Old 10-15-2012, 04:53 AM
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I know exactly what this feels like! So glad you figured this out.
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  #527  
Old 10-17-2012, 05:33 AM
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I watched Bee tonight and, this time, I didn't go out at all. Bee was sleepy at first when I came over, so we thought he might nap, but then he just got fussy instead, and I got wrapped up in entertaining him. Gia and Eric disappeared into their room without saying anything, and were gone for about a half an hour. I'd told Gia before that this would be ok with me -- them having alone time while I was in the house -- and, indeed, the last time I was babysitting they were still in the bedroom when Bee and I came home from the diner, so I'd technically possibly been in the house while they were having sex then. Still, this was the first time that I knew, with as much certainty as I could, that they were having sex without me while I was in the house.
DE
It was fine, mostly. Like, I didn't feel gross or sad or jealous. Bee and I played and read books and had a particularly great time together. But I did get to thinking, just a little, about how much I miss Gia, and how little time we get for us. It feels weirdly emotionally masochistic, on a certain level, to be spending so much more time enabling them to be close than I get back in terms of time for closeness in return.

But the thing is, I spent the whole first year of Bee's life asking to get to babysit him more. I adore him, I truly do, and I cherish the time we spend together. Its so amazing, to watch him learn and grow before my very eyes, to feel his delight when he laughs at something I do, or brings me a book to read, or just reaches for me. Near the end of the night, when he was getting tired again, he leaned his head against me several times, just *so* trusting and sweet.

Watching Bee is, for me, about me and Bee... it just happens to have the lovely side benefit of supporting my partner and her husband in having an occasional night of breathing room to get things done and remember who they are to each other. What could be wrong about that?? The fact that Gia is willing/able to devote very limited pure dyad time to our relationship right now... that's another issue entirely.

November will be interesting. Eric has committed to working on a novel he wants to write, so he's going to spend one night a week doing that for the whole month. That will leave Gia and I more time to spend together... albeit, with Bee in tow. One of those November nights, she and the baby are finally going to come have dinner with me and my parents, though we haven't yet picked which one.

She and I are doing a themed Halloween costume thing again this year, but it'll just be the two of us this time, she's got a separate idea for Bee, and Eric will be doing his own thing.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 10-17-2012 at 05:36 AM.
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  #528  
Old 10-18-2012, 08:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Watching Bee is, for me, about me and Bee... it just happens to have the lovely side benefit of supporting my partner and her husband in having an occasional night of breathing room to get things done and remember who they are to each other. What could be wrong about that?? The fact that Gia is willing/able to devote very limited pure dyad time to our relationship right now... that's another issue entirely.
I think this is a really sensible and loving way of looking at it.
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  #529  
Old 10-19-2012, 05:02 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I like to think that my actions in the world are generally for the best, and that I've got a handle on the things about myself that would benefit from changing and am working on them. Within that framework, I feel pretty good about the idea of being me on the average day. But, very occasionally, I feel like such a flailing mess of uselessness and fail that I just wanna quit everything and crawl under some blankets and wait to starve.

I was in an accident last night, a three car pile up in the rain, in which Car #1 stopped suddenly, Car #2 rear-ended Car #1 and then I hit Car #2. I saw it coming and braked, but the car just kept going. I might have been going too fast, I'm honestly not sure. It had just started raining, and I know that's when the roads are most treacherous, so at least I should have been going very cautiously, and I can't say that I was. I could have tried the emergency brake but I didn't do it in time. Bee was in the backseat. We're both fine, but two of the passengers from Car #2 were taken away in stretchers for possible whiplash.

It happened just around the corner from Gia and Eric's house, I had been taking Bee with me on a quick errand to get him out of their hair for a minute. I called, they came and got him (he had fallen back asleep in his carseat), I stayed to deal with the police. After they left, I let myself think about the fact that he could have been hurt, and I broke down a little bit. Ugh, so horrifying.

Eventually we were all allowed to leave. The boyfriend of the driver in the front car gave me a ride back to G & E's place. I dealt with my insurance, held Bee for a bit as Gia reassured me that he was fine, then told Gia that I'd have to ask one of them for a ride home because their couch (really just a loveseat) isn't very comfortable (leaving unsaid that there wasn't room in their bed). She said "Oh, right, I'd forgotten, yeah..." and then went quiet for a couple of minutes. This is what she does when something upsets her and she has to process it. Then she changed the subject, and helped me with costuming things. After a bit, I brought it back up and she asked Eric to give me a ride, which of course he did. I'm sorry, sweetie, I wish I could've stayed too.

Despite the hyperbolic start to this post, I'm fine, really. Just, not the best evening.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 10-19-2012 at 05:05 PM.
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  #530  
Old 10-19-2012, 05:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I've been in similar situations. Hugs! It can really shake you up, even when there isn't a kid in the car. Just an FYI - A new car seat is a must immediately, they aren't safe after an accident!!! The insurance will cover it.
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