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  #11  
Old 10-05-2012, 05:53 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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To be fair to him, he says he is perfectly ok with having other guys in the house. But I am really not sure he has thought it through that much.

He told his lifelong best friend last night, and didn't get much support. Everyone thinks he is being crazy. Everyone.

So at this point I am kind of beginning to check out of the relationship. Part of me wants to try to convince him that what he wants will never happen -- it's like quitting your job because your dream is to win the lotto and claiming you'll never be happy otherwise. But part of me is starting to feel like...jesus christ, forget this guy.
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  #12  
Old 10-05-2012, 06:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
So at this point I am kind of beginning to check out of the relationship. Part of me wants to try to convince him that what he wants will never happen -- it's like quitting your job because your dream is to win the lotto and claiming you'll never be happy otherwise. But part of me is starting to feel like...jesus christ, forget this guy.
Can't blame you. I'd feel the same way. Just check out so I can get ME to a healing place and then move toward my next future happiness.

I know this isn't fun to feel. Hang in there.

Hopefully your long term health/happiness will come soon even if you have to pass thru some short term UGH to get there.

GG
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  #13  
Old 10-07-2012, 03:55 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
To be fair to him, he says he is perfectly ok with having other guys in the house. But I am really not sure he has thought it through that much.

He told his lifelong best friend last night, and didn't get much support. Everyone thinks he is being crazy. Everyone.

So at this point I am kind of beginning to check out of the relationship. Part of me wants to try to convince him that what he wants will never happen -- it's like quitting your job because your dream is to win the lotto and claiming you'll never be happy otherwise. But part of me is starting to feel like...jesus christ, forget this guy.
Things are becoming clearer to you. Always a good thing. I would definitely go for the "forget this guy" option. You really can't convince anyone who can't be convinced.

Some things just are what they are and it's up to him to examine his own ideals.
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  #14  
Old 10-07-2012, 04:01 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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I know you are all correct and I have to just get out...I am in so much pain though
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  #15  
Old 10-08-2012, 01:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am so sorry you are in pain. It is not fun to feel. *hug*

How can people help support you?

GalaGirl
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  #16  
Old 10-08-2012, 04:56 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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GalaGirl, that is a really good question, it hadn't even occurred to me to think about that.

I think maybe what I need right now is sane, rational people countering the irrational things that keep coming up in my head -- that I will never find a true partner, that I will never find someone else who loves me, that I will never love someone else this much, that this was my only shot at a stable family (I am very close to his family, and mostly estranged from my own) and my only shot at kids (he pushed for kids and had just recently talked me into going off the pill, I wasn't even sure I wanted them before we met). My brain keeps jumping to these conclusions and part of me knows they're not true but they feel very real right now.
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  #17  
Old 10-08-2012, 05:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Alright. I'll take a stab.

Quote:
that I will never find a true partner
You are not a broken half person seeking a partner to complete you. You are a whole, complete person all by yourself.

When you find another whole, complete person to share your wonderfulness with that you like the look of? And they like you? Then you will complement each other's completeness and radiate combined wonderfulness to the heavens.

Neither of you is broken people. You are so awesome right now that you can shoot rainbows out of your nipples if you felt like it!

And when you find your complementary partner person, you can shoot rainbows out of your nipples and your partner can fart cupcakes of of joy for your mutual pleasure!

(Not downplaying your hurtness -- just trying to make you laugh. Laughter is good for alleviating pain sometimes. )

Quote:
that I will never find someone else who loves me
Sure you will. You are a loveable person.

Just because you are in a time of UGH does not take away from your loveableness. If you stub your toe somewhere you shout "Ugh!" and it does not take away from your loveableness. If you stub your heart somewhere you shout "Ugh!" and it does not take away from your loveableness.

A broken heart still keeps on beating. It's pumping all the UGH out to make the space required for new joy to come in. You can't fill a coffee cup with fresh coffee if it's holding coffee from three weeks ago.

So have to empty it out first. Ditto heart. You are in the dishwasher. It's hot -- endure. You will feel better later when clean.

Quote:
that I will never love someone else this much
Sure you will. Your coffee cup is just fine. In fact, you own many containers -- mugs, glasses, buckets, your own hands. Your capacity for love is not limited to this one person. Your capacity for love is not diminished because this mug is dirty with UGH right now.

Quote:
that this was my only shot at a stable family (I am very close to his family, and mostly estranged from my own)
You can still ask his family what they'd like their relationship to you to be. They chose who they want to be in relationship with. Not him dictating.

You can also build community anywhere else you want. Friends can be made anywhere.

You are not a broken, incomplete, unloveable person just because you have a dirty mug!

Quote:
my only shot at kids (he pushed for kids and had just recently talked me into going off the pill, I wasn't even sure I wanted them before we met).
There's always having bio kids later with someone else.
There's always adoption.
There's always welcoming children in your life via other appropriate means (ex: tutoring, teach sunday school, volunteer to be in a big brother / big sister program, etc)

If you want to enjoy children in your life, you can make the space for that too.

Quote:
My brain keeps jumping to these conclusions and part of me knows they're not true but they feel very real right now.
Yup. Brain chemistry. Not fun to endure withdrawal. They are real in the sense that your brain swims in your own body soup.

You will feel better in time. It's the grieving process. Mourning a lost thing.

Enduring stormy weather sucks!

But it's only after storms that you get rainbows. Don't get so bogged down looking down at muddy feet that you forget to look up and feel sun on your face and see rainbows. In your own good time.

You are the pilot of your own ship. You are in charge of your own destiny.

You shoot freakin' rainbows out of your nipples when YOU feel like it. Can even fart your freakin' own cupcakes of joy. When YOU feel like it.

You are a complete, whole person. You have worth, dignity, and value.

Even in the UGH dishwasher.

hugs
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-08-2012 at 06:08 PM.
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  #18  
Old 10-08-2012, 05:27 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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I want to clone you and make sure everyone has a GalaGirl to turn to when life gets shitty.
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  #19  
Old 10-08-2012, 06:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad I could give you some support and a laugh.

Right now you are in the Ugh place. Some other time I will take my turn in there and you can give me the support/laugh in kind.

Sigh. It is only in the Human Simmer that we get hammered into our best selves.

This is part of the horrible-wonderful-horrible-wonderful that is being ALIVE.

Namaste,
GG
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