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  #81  
Old 08-05-2012, 12:31 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Ella's in Europe doing some field work for her post-grad thesis.

Carob's in our home city (in New Zealand), working on his own projects, still hating his job there, waiting for the final interview with the opening in our new city (he's at the HR stage of things, soft skillz)

Sago's in our new city (Australia), seems to be enjoying the temporary bachelor's lifestyle! Received a few e-mails from him that he's living it up Good for him.

As for me, well! I'm in the States at my friend's place in Boston, about to drive cross-country with her. Hope we make it! She managed to get a Burning Man ticket for me, and we're planning to reach the west coast just in time for the burn. Will be an epic way to end the trip. Hoping to catch up with Heart there (who I met via this forum). Although I have a few more family and friends round the States, not sure I'll have time to meet them. Just seeing one girl in Georgia who I've been internet friends with for over a decade (I think)... Quite excited about finally meet her in person.

Guess this update isn't really about my relationships, apart from... Sago's helped me out a lot with being able to afford this holiday. Meant that I could do it before I got back into work properly, even though haven't been able to save nearly enough for it. So so grateful.

Carob and I talking finances a wee bit. Maybe at some point we'll manage to co-ordinate between the three of us.

Really not at that stage with Ella, though very much into the sharing resources thing. For example, borrowing her car while I was visiting meant that I was able to go out of town with Carob, and get heaps more things done.

Mm, I'm making my relationships sound a bit too functional (as in, serving a function) but what I really mean is that they're functional (in the sense of, working well!)

I might not be writing much for the next couple of months as I travel.
Not sure how many people really follow this blog, anyway... Well. I'm fairly relaxed about the idea that no one is reading! It's really good on a personal level for me to chronicle in this way. And just a bonus that it may from time to time trigger a response. That said, thanks for reading, if you are. And enjoy your winter / summer.

Peace
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  #82  
Old 08-08-2012, 08:22 AM
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I haven't had the time/energy to write here much lately, but so glad to hear your good news!
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  #83  
Old 08-11-2012, 12:57 PM
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Thanks, rory. More good news - Carob got the job! So, returning after this holiday to both boys in the same city... What a treat. My adventures continue. Having a good time. Had a frustrating conversation yesterday trying to explain to my travelling companion how my relationships work. She kept saying "I just can't get my head around it."

I was so happy to hear the news about C's job, and she wasn't really understanding how this was a good thing.

Ah well, different strokes. I'm blissful. Hitting the road again soon.
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  #84  
Old 08-12-2012, 11:53 AM
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Oh, end of your LDRing then soon, too!! Congrats!
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  #85  
Old 10-05-2012, 02:58 AM
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Back on land! Driving through the US was amazing. Got the chance to go to Burning Man, which was a fun experience. Spent a lot of time exploring by myself. Wasn't into hooking up with anyone, just wandering around really. Met someone in person who I'd connected with on this forum, which was nice. After that, sailing, and... well... it was quite intense. Glad I did it though. Learnt a lot. Very sea sick unfortunately so took a while to recouperate.

Got back to my home city a few days ago. Ella disappointed that I don't feel like spending heaps of time with her. To be honest, needed down-time to process the travels and lock in my focus for the next wee while. I find myself wanting to prioritise my own projects over growing a new relationship with someone else.

Not sure if it's indicating a lack of passion about her specifically, or my mood in general. I've not really had anything like NRE with her. Maybe because of how it started (her being Carob's girlfriend first, me being fairly busy). I can't think of anything about her in particular that makes me ho-hum. I like her, and we have good sex, she's smart and challenges me, but right now I'm not driven (or not letting myself be driven) towards intimacy with her. I'm being guarded, maybe. Or... jealous of my own time. Or perhaps not open right now to being carried away by someone new... though, hey, it could happen.

Had a chat with Ella about this the other day, as I haven't felt like staying over at her place at all. I said I don't feel very drawn to being sexual with her, that I'm too restless with getting my own shit done. I acknowledged that this was an awful thing to say, and that I wish it wasn't so, and that it wasn't really fair on her. But she took it well. She was disappointed but pragmatic. Guess we'll see how we go.

I'm back to our new city next week on Thursday! YAY! Carob headed over there a few weeks ago for his new job. He's loving it. Phew.

He and Sago met up for a beers, and on another occasion were both at a mutual friend's birthday party. Funny to think of them being in the same place together without me. Looking forward to a bit of "normalcy" with no LDR! Woo! (Can't really let Ella factor in to the no-LDR celebration, unfortunately... Ah. I'm craving relative simplicity. Must suck for her, I guess, but it's how it is. I'm being as honest as I can with her, and giving what I can give.)

Skyped with Carob yesterday and Sago this morning - luxury! High speed internet! So good to see their faces.

Carob mentioned a suggestion by one of his friends, Rick, for us to go on a camping trip. Rick, and his girlfriend Kim are mostly Carob's friends, who I hang out with these days cos of C. Sago knows them through C as well. They live in our new city, and we (S + I) have caught up with them now and then, not too much. In the same circle of friends is Ayla and Patch. (Patch I have a crush on, but is a no go cos of friend dynamics. Ayla is currently half living in Sago's & my place, and half staying with Patch.) Patch, Carob and Rick are old friends. Carob is currently sharing a flat with Patch. This is to paint a perhaps unnecessarily thick background to this snippet of conversation...

Carob: Rick was saying we should all go on a camping trip
Me: Oh yeah, cool. Camping's fun
C: Yeah. Rick and Kim, Patch and Ayla too
Me: Oh. (thinks) So, the six of us?
C: Yeah, like a couples thing
Me: Would Sago be invited?
C: Awww... can't it just be the two of us? (in a tone that implied "... for once")
Me: Yah, yah, of course it could be, let's talk about it when I'm there.

Ah. I get Carob's desire to hang out with his mates (Rick and Patch) and their dates du jour... but it's not so simple. Yes, Ayla and C are old friends, but Sago and I know her independently quite well. (To give an example, Ayla came to our wedding.) I haven't been camping in our new city with Sago yet and we've been meaning to. Basically, if we were going on a trip out somewhere fun, Sago would probably enjoy it too... and he knows enough of the crew well enough as friends (esp Ayla, who has been living based at our place for the last few months) for it to feel kind of weird for him not to be invited.

At least, I find it weird. Like, he'd be left out.

On the other hand, the logistics of hanging out in a three-person thing (esp with V dynamics rather than a triad) if it's a couple-y vibe could be equally weird. Hmm.

Not angsting about it, just something to discuss. The co-ordination begins!
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  #86  
Old 10-05-2012, 08:34 PM
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Nice to see you here. Cool that your trip has been good!
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  #87  
Old 10-05-2012, 09:22 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Jealous girl here. Burnin Man is still on my to-do list. Just need to get the money together one year (both Primal and I have wanted to go for years).
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  #88  
Old 10-10-2012, 04:59 PM
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rory - thanks, it's good to be back! Travels were wonderful, but coming home is even better

Cattiva - Jealousy?!?! :O Heh, jokes. Really hope you and Primal can make it sometime.

Well, here I am. Another airport, another departure lounge coffee. Heading back to our new city. This feels right.

Things with Ella are rather fraught. After being on the road for five weeks and sailing for three, I was in a quite different headspace to her. Basically, I was disinclined to rush into a full-on romance. It seemed like that would be a kind of losing of myself that I wasn't ready for right now. Hard to explain. Also hard to diagnose whether this is my (temporary?) mood in general, towards new relationships, or whether it's Ella-specific.

This attitude really sucked, in terms of timing. I wasn't in town for very long, and I have no specific return date (though she happens to be visiting our new city over Christmas/New Year. Not sure if we'll be there, we haven't discussed holiday plans).

Anyway, stayed over at Ella's place last night. We talked a fair bit, nobbly, stunted, hobbling conversation. Seems we have different expectations about romantic relationships. She didn't get how Sago could be okay with me going away for 2 1/2 months. Didn't get how I was even considering going to dance class this evening (after I get back to our new city) when I haven't seen him for so long. I understood where she was coming from... I suppose it remains to be seen what can be reconciled.

I was awake next to her for hours, gerbilian thoughts running the wheels of my mind.
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  #89  
Old 10-11-2012, 02:41 AM
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OMG OMG OMG wow.

Just caught up really briefly with Sago (changing names on this blog soon, need a fresh start). He's been through a lot since I've been away. He was saying we have a lot to catch up on in person but yeah... wasn't prepared for the extent of the news.

Firstly, he had a very bad patch of depression while I was away, and he's on meds now and feeling really happy for the first time in ages. Possibly years. Not sure, perception gets skewed, but for quite some time he's been muted overall in terms of his mood. Previous meds have had side-effects he hated (which is why he stopped them) so I'm really happy he's found something that suits him.

Second... he's started seeing one of his colleagues! She's married and her husband is all fine with it. I'm friends with both of them too, and they are very lovely people though I don't share all their views. She is quite gorgeous, yeah. Beautiful. Ah. My first reaction was - utter happiness. For him, for her, for everyone. Second reaction was the news trickling through the dark maze of my own insecurities. A bit of body image stuff, but nothing too bad. This is going to be interesting.

Apparently Sago has told Carob but no one else knows apart from Sago's best friend, and Ayla (who walked in on them yesterday). Seems they don't want to be out at the moment, esp as there's a work dynamic.

I'm kind of deliriously happy, and a teeny bit apprehensive.

I love him so much.

The two of us are catching up with Carob after work today for dinner/beers.

Unfortunately we don't have the full ability to laze about and freely catch up on things, as Sago and I aren't home alone at the moment. A friend came into town last night and is staying with us (Ayla's ex, actually. Ah. Fun times) But Sago's taken the day off work and it seems we may have the house to ourselves in the next hour or so. Yay
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  #90  
Old 10-13-2012, 06:08 AM
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Oh, it's been a beautiful couple of days since I've been back. One issue caused a knot, but have been working that one out. All in all, spectacular rainbows.

Thursday eve, after cuddles and talking and a bit of fucking about in bed, Sago and I headed out to meet Carob for dinner at a cheap Asian eatery. S spotted Carob first, standing near a lamppost across the road. I ran up behind him, and casual as ever, he said "hey, bub". Fuck, he's gorgeous. Touching his arms, I was electrified... a sweet Grease moment.

We ordered too much food, it was all delicious, though the tastiest part was touching hands and feet through the meal. I felt like a creeping vine intertwined with them both. The conversation was easy. Sago and Carob had met up a few times without me, and their grown comradery was evident. Also, S being in a much better place, and in a new relationship, made for a particular ebullience on his part. Frankly, he's glowing.

The one weird bit was created by me... Carob mentioned "so how are things with Ella" and my heart slumped. Things are tricky with her (I've since written her a lengthy e-mail which she said cleared a lot of things up) but it's been making it even harder to have C involved. Sago asked C: "oh so you still keep in touch with Ella" and C replied (with a sweet, almost crushing-on-Ella, face) "well I feel quite fondly towards her"

Carob has been feeling for Ella, since she's been feeling bad. I've been feeling bad for making E feel bad, but doubly bad through guilt raised up by Carob's concern about the situation. Anyways, I initially said to C at dinner "can we talk about Ella later" but then... it kept turning around in my head so I tried to talk about it, and failed... Both the boys were saying "come on, just spit it out, whatever is on your mind." but in the end I apologised for bringing up something that I didn't want to talk more about. The conversation went on from there to other things, but I felt lame.

Walking home with Sago, he asked me if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me. Eventually I cracked my mind open and there was a gush of monologue. He listened, injected some sanity, held me, ah. So good.

Last night, Sago and I invited Carob around to our place for dinner. I was cooking. Food prep was progressing well til C turned up and we got a tad distracted... Fortunately Sago came home soon afterwards, which enabled me to focus on culinary-related kitchen activities. After eating together, I went back to Carob's place. Brief hellos to Ayla and Patch (I've resolved to project platonic vibes to them from now) but no time for long chats as we had a date with his airbed.

Managed to not pop airbed.

This morning, Carob and I met Sago at a cafe for brunch. Ordered three meals and shared them all. I was melting with happiness. Afterwards, we went to the local market and... shopped together. I pointed to a fennel bulb and said "hey Carob, we should try cooking with this sometime." Sago chimed in that his new girlfriend makes a salad with sliced fennel root and orange. I remember seeing a pile of oranges at C's place. We buy fennel and I put it in Carob's bag. Sago and I buy purple carrots, green beans and radishes for salads we're making right now (he's in the kitchen. My turn soon)

Why are we making salads?

Cos we've been invited to share dinner and watch a movie at Sago's girlfriend's house. With her and her husband.

Sweet Lord, I'm beamish.

Hanging out with Carob, every now and then I'd make a joyful squirmy squee noise. "What's up?" C would ask. "Ah, just... the usual. Thinking of how happy I am for Sago." "Compersion, eh" he teased me, once. Yup. Fair diagnosis.

Better sort out my salad cos Sago just gave me a taste of his (chickpea, green beans, cilantro, tamarind) and it's delcious. Fuck. I'm doing soba noodles, king oyster mushrooms, sunflower seeds, radish... Leaving in 30 minutes. Fingers crossed.

Last edited by fuchka; 10-13-2012 at 06:11 AM.
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