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Old 10-03-2012, 06:42 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 48
Default How do I handle seeing my ex-metamour for the first time in a social situation?

Hey guys! Me again.

This weekend coming up G, K, and I have a lot going on, and G has raised questions about how to handle it.

Since G's last relationship with her first secondary ended in a giant explosion of lies, triggers, mistrust, and overall crazypantsness, we've been closed, save for our relationship with K, which is still going strong and proving very rewarding.

K comes to town this weekend, and it will be the first time we've had alone time with her in four months. SO EXCITED!!! We planned to take her to a certain dance party that we go to every few months. Lots of our friends, lots of past-but-peaceful FWBs, lots of sexy poly people all over the place. It's kind of like… prom, but instead of tuxes there are cut-off jeans. SUPER fun, often debaucherous. K has never been, so we really want to bring her.

K is aware of the situation between me, G, and this third party. K has met, and made out heavily with, the third party during a past visit. Third party will more than likely be attending the same party.

Challenge 1
G has asked me how she is "allowed to act" around TP (third party). And I have trouble answering. I've never policed "how she acts" around anyone, save for asking her not to sleep with someone when I was struggling and she'd been lying. I'm not that kind of SO, I don't really think about how she is "allowed" to act. G asks whether she should "pretend not to know her," which would just be silly. (It feels like she's trying to provoke me when she poses that as though it's even an option, but I digress.)

So I told G it's okay to go and say hello to TP, greet her, chat. But that it will be hard for me while she does, so please be sensitive to that by making sure she shows me love, squeezes me, is present for me, before and after they talk. It will help that K will be there for added support, so I think it will be fine (though, that can be hard, when K is there for me about G's stuff, because G feels like she lacks the tools to comfort me that K has, and perhaps in some ways, she does). But she's also asking me about how to hang out in a certain party household of our mutual friends that TP hangs out in, and whether she is "allowed" to go there if TP may or may not be present. This is hard not only on my mistrust for them being alone together (which is improving but I remain weary), but also for logistical reasons. I live much closer to that house, so if she stays out past 12 there, she can't get back to her part of town (the trains stop running). So if she goes, I have to either go with her (one option) or let her crash with me when she gets home from being there solo. I've told her it's okay to talk to TP, and to keep flirting in check (soft limit; G is flirty and it's one thing I love about her, but flirting with TP would send a mixed signal). I've warned her to make sure she not leave anything out when she gets back (if they talk, say they talked, don't say they didn't just to make it easy on me. NO MORE LIES. But details can be left out, so she and TP can maintain a level of privacy.)

I've also said that if we are invited to the house after the party (more than likely), not to accept invitations off the bat without checking in with us first, to avoid awkwardness.

Challenge 2
I haven't seen TP in two months, since everything blew up. Since then, I've learned a lot about G's lying tactics throughout their brief relationship. So I feel like better question is, how on earth do *I* act around TP?? Because I don't even know where to start. And I have no frame of reference for how she feels because I've cut contact with her while I heal from all this.

Of course, skipping the party is an option, but I feel like that's avoidy. Eventually we all three will learn to make peace,. It just can't all happen in one day. But this will be the start.

Pointers? Insights? I just want this weekend to be fun.
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cheating, metamour concerns, parties, social situation, trust issues

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