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  #21  
Old 10-02-2012, 03:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Then I am glad you are not being abused. I do not agree you are being as clear as direct as you can be about articulating your wants, needs and limits from what you write. But if you say you are in REAL LIFE... ok. I'll buy that.

Quote:
Of course I could leave, but how can I throw away a relationship that has been so fulfilling rather than tough out nine weeks of crap? I don't want to leave him. He even said to me today that if I need to, he would support me taking a step back because he doesn't want to lose my friendship or my place in his life. He says he doesn't want to lose our relationship but most importantly, he wants me to be happy. He really cares about me. He just doesn't have any time to give me right now and I'm having trouble coping with that.
You have a lot of things about it that you list that you clearly DO NOT LIKE.

He has given you limits. If he's being kind about it? And he's telling you this is the limit of what he can offer you? It sounds like he can offer you a long distance tertiary relationship.

And you are unhappy with it because you want a secondary relationship.
  • Is this going to change in time -- someone moving so you can be closer together?
  • His time management clearing up to feed an LDR to secondary relationship level?
  • Or not changing in time at all?

You are going to wait 9 weeks til the house is done remodeling. Then what? Still the same place you are in today. Same choices to make:

  • You reconcile yourself to a tertiary relationship that he CAN offer you at this time.
  • Or let it go and just be friends then. Seek a secondary relationship elsewhere. He's willing to be friends. You won't "lose" him.
  • Or keep it at tertiary AND seek a secondary relationship with someone else. This is polyamory - if you are not at your saturation point, then why not keep dating?

I am not hearing what other kinds of help you want from Internet people. I only heard "Give me perspectives." So I do not know what else I might be able to give. I have given my perspective. That's all I can do. *shrug*

I perceive that you are in a recursive loop thing here.

You cannot change him or what he can offer you.

You can only change your own behavior.

You choose who you do and do not want to be in relationship with, and how many you are in relationship with.

Time out for 9 weeks? Fair enough.

9 weeks is up and he still can only offer tertiary LDR? You do not want to break up or continue dating to seek another? You risk staying unhappy then because you crave more than you get here from husband and this LDR Lover in your current "v" polyship.

I do think it is weird that your husband suggests you "stop talking about feelings with Lover or else lover will dump you." What?! Only offer a sanitized version of you? Rather than the authentic you?

I find it unsettling that your hubby is suggesting his wife (you!) limit and edit herself to fit someone else's mold, when she's already struggling with a relationship that is NOT feeding her when she IS being the authentic her. How will THAT action increase her odds for feeling fulfillment? To give only a partial her? Is not ALL of her loveable?

I find it disturbing that your hubby is happy to give away your power over living your life as you see fit and getting your full needs met. Suggesting you change YOUR behavior so Lover does not dump you so you are satisfactory to your Lover?

Excuse me? There is nothing horrible about coming to find that a relationship is no longer satisfying to you. We choose who we want to be with. I would hope your husband would give YOU his back up support. He would affirm HIS support of you in a constructive way like "I know this is hard, honey. I'm here if you need a sounding board. No matter what happens in that relationship, in OUR relationship I love you and find you loveable JUST HOW YOU ARE. If you want a solid secondary relationship and cannot get that here, it is too bad. It's not anyone's fault things do not line up here. But when you heal from disappointment and you are ready to make your next choice? I'll support your choices, baby! You are WORTH IT! Get what you need from your polyship configuration in the size/shape you need it to come as! I am on board!"

Not in a destructive fashion that suggests you are unloveable unless you sanitize yourself to meet Lover's standard. Even if it causes YOU personal unhappy! Ew.

I'm telling you my perspective -- weigh this thing out carefully. If it is NOT feeding you well? Don't be here in this configuration. Change it to include more, or change it to just feed elsewhere. Be true to YOU.

You seem to have chosen "I don't like waiting, but I am going to wait 9 weeks and then see."

Ok, fair enough. You make the choices in your life for WHEN. But in 9 weeks the decision is still here... what is gonna be the WHAT?
  • Do I get enough out of this polyship configuration with him to offset all the things I do not like? Keep the config the same and adjust my attitude toward it?
  • Do I change the polyship configuration?
  • Do I change polyship crew members?
  • Why do I behave like I have no choice or voice in my own polyshipping?

Why do you and your spouse behave like Love is in short supply? "Gotta take what you can grab while the going is good because something is better than nothing!"

Baffling to me.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-02-2012 at 03:58 AM.
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  #22  
Old 10-02-2012, 03:32 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I just thought I'd throw out there - just because you DONT have a big fetlife presence, doesn't mean you cant have a bit more of one even if you want to have a bare minimum profile.

If you ask for, and he is honest with his sub at some point that he is also seeing you, you can ask for acknowledgement of your relationship with "in a relationship with" "lover" or "its complicated with" on your profiles -something that you are both agreeable with, it might make you feel more included in his life, which can always be a such a problem in LDRs. If he and his sub break up, I'd hate to see a repeat of a situation like this, where he declines to be honest and upfront with partners who have NOT asked for a DADT situation.

As for me - well I can't imagine many more things that would crush me than to find out somebody took it upon themselves to decide I didn't need to know about things that affected my sexual well being - you may not pose a risk to her, but she really has the right to make that decision for herself, I imagine you like to be able to make those decisions for yourself too?

Good luck, just cause it started off casual and fun doesn't mean you aren't allowed to make requests or have serious discussion having needs and desires!
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  #23  
Old 10-03-2012, 07:53 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Seems like a tough situation for you emotionally. *hugs*

I think you need to take a bit of a step back. I see that you feel very strongly that his relationships are his to manage, and you don't want to affect them. You don't want a say in what he tells his sub and you don't want to affect the DADT in his marriage. The relationships are separate entities, and as long as you are happy in yours, the rest is his to manage. Is that correct? If so, I interpret it to mean that you have little influence/power when it comes to his other relationships, and you want it so. That is okay, and a valid place to be.

But why is it then that you worry so much about what you might cause to happen in the other relationships?

With power comes responsibility. If you have power to influence, you should use that wisely, and you should be concerned about more than yourself.

But you don't have/want power to influence. If you want to let him manage his relationships, let him do the work of managing the relationships. You focus on you.

Right now he is having his cake and eating it too, at least when it comes to your relationship (and by the sounds of it, at least with the sub as well). He gets to do whatever he wants, and you have/want no say in it, but then you worry about the consequences. Doesn't that seem messed up?

You are not responsible for his other relationships going well or going badly, especially if you have/want no influence.

If you ask for what you want, you aren't directly causing anything. Do you see that? He has choices to make. He has chosen to be in multiple relationship. That means that sometimes he may have conflicting commitments. He is responsible to manage that, not you. He also has a choice if you ask for something. He can choose to say yes or no. If what you ask for is something that will affect his other relationships, he needs to take that into consideration, and answer you accordingly. You don't need to pre-emptively worry about that. You aren't responsible for his other relationships. But you need to be true to yourself to be happy.

Are you sure part of your motivation in not asking what you want isn't coming from fear that if you do, he will say no? Fear of finding out just how much (or little) of a priority you are to him and how much (or little) he cares about you?

I can totally understand that. It would suck to find out that he doesn't care. But doesn't it also suck being with somebody who doesn't care and not knowing that? Or being so afraid to ask that you never get what you need and end up miserable, even though had they known about it, the other person would have been happy to do it?

I have a hard time asking for what I want, too. And most of the time there is fear in the way, that's why I'm suggesting it. It can be fear of abandonment. For me it's fear of not being accepted/understood as I am. Anyway, the first thing is to admit the fear, and the second is to face it. It's really a choice between misery and potential for happiness. You can sometimes even find that what is making you miserable isn't in fact not getting everything you want, but the fact that you can't express your feelings/wants to your partner. I.e. sometimes you feel better for speaking up even if the other person says no. Other times, it's a dealbreaker for you, and you have some difficult choices to make. You might still feel better, though.
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  #24  
Old 10-03-2012, 02:36 PM
almondgrrl almondgrrl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmicsunshine View Post
It seems to me a very cowardly way of him telling you exactly where you fit in his life. As in... You a secret, you'll never be accepted, get over it" I don't think your over reacting at all. That would hit me in the face like a wet towel.

Ultimately it's up to you weather you can continue on as you are.

I've been in a very similar situation, it was just easier for him to lie about me, not mention anything to his girlfriend, or her lovers. To much effort for him, I didn't give him an ultimatum. I'm not that person. Ultimately I decided that I wasn't going to be his secret "shame" anymore ... That's the way it made me feel anyway.

I hope you get the resolution you deserve *hugz*

You hit the nail right on the head and said everything that I came here to say. To me, this man is a liar, and this situation is NOT okay.
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  #25  
Old 10-03-2012, 05:39 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
Seems like a tough situation for you emotionally. *hugs*

I think you need to take a bit of a step back. I see that you feel very strongly that his relationships are his to manage, and you don't want to affect them. You don't want a say in what he tells his sub and you don't want to affect the DADT in his marriage. The relationships are separate entities, and as long as you are happy in yours, the rest is his to manage. Is that correct? If so, I interpret it to mean that you have little influence/power when it comes to his other relationships, and you want it so. That is okay, and a valid place to be.

But why is it then that you worry so much about what you might cause to happen in the other relationships?

With power comes responsibility. If you have power to influence, you should use that wisely, and you should be concerned about more than yourself.

But you don't have/want power to influence. If you want to let him manage his relationships, let him do the work of managing the relationships. You focus on you.

Right now he is having his cake and eating it too, at least when it comes to your relationship (and by the sounds of it, at least with the sub as well). He gets to do whatever he wants, and you have/want no say in it, but then you worry about the consequences. Doesn't that seem messed up?

You are not responsible for his other relationships going well or going badly, especially if you have/want no influence.

If you ask for what you want, you aren't directly causing anything. Do you see that? He has choices to make. He has chosen to be in multiple relationship. That means that sometimes he may have conflicting commitments. He is responsible to manage that, not you. He also has a choice if you ask for something. He can choose to say yes or no. If what you ask for is something that will affect his other relationships, he needs to take that into consideration, and answer you accordingly. You don't need to pre-emptively worry about that. You aren't responsible for his other relationships. But you need to be true to yourself to be happy.

Are you sure part of your motivation in not asking what you want isn't coming from fear that if you do, he will say no? Fear of finding out just how much (or little) of a priority you are to him and how much (or little) he cares about you?

I can totally understand that. It would suck to find out that he doesn't care. But doesn't it also suck being with somebody who doesn't care and not knowing that? Or being so afraid to ask that you never get what you need and end up miserable, even though had they known about it, the other person would have been happy to do it?

I have a hard time asking for what I want, too. And most of the time there is fear in the way, that's why I'm suggesting it. It can be fear of abandonment. For me it's fear of not being accepted/understood as I am. Anyway, the first thing is to admit the fear, and the second is to face it. It's really a choice between misery and potential for happiness. You can sometimes even find that what is making you miserable isn't in fact not getting everything you want, but the fact that you can't express your feelings/wants to your partner. I.e. sometimes you feel better for speaking up even if the other person says no. Other times, it's a dealbreaker for you, and you have some difficult choices to make. You might still feel better, though.
I wrote a reply but the internet ate it. Second time around is never as good but I'll do my best.

Thank you for this post. It gave me a lot to think about.

I've been having trouble sleeping because I have been pretty upset about everything.

This is my first poly relationship. Any time in the past where I have developed feelings for a new man, I lost my desire for my current partner. That didn't happen this time. So I am sure I am making lots of mistakes just because I don't know how to handle the situation. I know I am; early in my relationship with L, I thought that I needed to keep things light and fun and drama free otherwise he wouldn't want to spend time with me. So, that's what we did for a few months. But you can't fit a square peg into a round hole, and we developed feelings for more. Actually, he thinks they were there right from the start. We had a discussion and he said he thought you could have good sex, or sex with no emotion, but not both. I said that we had good sex the first time we were together, and he said that it wasn't without emotion and I couldn't tell him that because he knows better. And I think he is right about that- we had something right from the start. He told me that relationships come with the messy stuff and it is what it is. He's always demonstrated that he cares about me and my feelings. But obviously, this wasn't the best way to go about having a relationship. Of course, I was trying NOT to have a relationship at that point!

Last night I was thinking to myself that asking him to acknowledge me on FetLife would solve both of the big issues that are bothering me. The honesty issue would be taken care of de facto because she would see me on his profile, so he'd have to talk to her about it. And I would get the validation I want so much for our relationship.

On the other hand, I can see his side of things. I still think he made a mistake by not telling her about us early on, but I can kind of see how it snowballed given that it wasn't supposed to be anything. And this is going to cause him a lot of extra stress if he tells her now, which he really doesn't need right now. And I'm not sure that this is something I actually NEED, or if it's just something I want right now since my needs aren't being met by him. It didn't really matter to me before all this external stuff started because he was giving me what I needed from him, so it didn't matter to me if he was keeping me a secret. I don't want to be selfish about something minor if in 9 weeks it won't matter to me anymore.

So I'm not really sure what I want to do. But my feelings keep shifting day by day so I'm just going to try and sit on it for a while. I don't think I'll be hearing much from him over the next couple of days anyway since he is now sick on top of everything else so I won't have to pretend everything is okay when it's not. But on the other hand, I certainly don't want every conversation between us to be a heavy, loaded one. That really isn't fun and I wouldn't want that either.

I know he cares about me. I also know that right now, I am a pretty low priority. It is what it is. There are other things that are more important right now and I understand that. He's married and has responsibilities. If I don't like that, well, I'm married too right? At some point he has no more to give and I just have to suck it up. Time is a finite resource and so is emotional energy.

Sometimes, things really are complicated and I just don't know what to do.
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Last edited by Vicki82; 10-03-2012 at 06:08 PM.
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  #26  
Old 10-03-2012, 06:51 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by almondgrrl View Post
You hit the nail right on the head and said everything that I came here to say. To me, this man is a liar, and this situation is NOT okay.
I don't mean to be rude, but is it too much to ask for you to remember that he's just human like the rest of us? I'm certainly not perfect, and I do stupid things at times. I try not to see the world in black and white but to look at the context, too.
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  #27  
Old 10-25-2012, 01:38 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Just bumping this up because I could use a little more perspective if anyone has some... I updated things on my blog. TIA.
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  #28  
Old 10-25-2012, 02:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sounds like things are still basically at the same place:
  • You want/need more time/connection.
  • He's not giving you what you want/need.

But emotionally you have moved on to a place of acceptance of this mismatch and know it is functionally over.

I wanted to give you a *hug* because you sound sad. Breaking up sucks. But I'm glad you are trying to move yourself to a healthier space long term even if you have to endure some short term suckage to get there.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
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