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Old 09-30-2012, 09:31 PM
winterking3 winterking3 is offline
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Default Concerned and confused...

This is only my second post here on these forums, and I cannot express how valuable I have found them to be. I do not consider myself to be naive by any stretch, but I have to admit that the situation my wife and her best friend found ourselves in a few years back seemed to me like we were the only people in the world experiencing these things... These forums have opened my eyes, and given me some more courage than I thought about this scenario.

I always struggle to be brief, but to try and summarize my dillema without the War & Peace version is always difficult...

My wife and I have been married 15 years, we have been best friends since we were kids, and started seriously dating at 14 years of age. We have always been the couple that people envied most of our lives, we never had any serious drama or issues, we have always been very loving with one another, good sex life, the whole package...

My wife has always been fascinated with the thought of kissing another woman, as close as we are, she is not the best communicator, and her desire and interest may have been greather than I was ever aware of. We always had a pretty exciting sex life, not conservative by any means, but what I would best describe as fun! We often fantasized during sex about other men wanting her which I always thought was weird for me, but became pretty normal. I never had any desire to actually see it, and we never really talked about actually doing anything we fantasized about, it was always just sex talk. To my knowledge, we never discussed threesomes, or involving another woman. We were very close to another couple for a little while, hung out togehter all of the time, used to have sex in the same room, but that was it. The girls would kiss and tease about kissing one another, but nothing ever came close to actually happening..

My wife became very close with a woman she had just recently began to work with. Their friendship grew quikly... She had kissed another woman before which my wife was intrigued with, and she also was just coming out of a really shitty relationship with the father of her child. It was verbally abusive and he was the type of person that if allowed to can wreak havoc on a womans confidence...

I met her, and found her interesting, I felt for her and the situation she was in and my wife and I quickly became a safe place for her to talk and hang out. We had a lot of fun together... She was pretty flirty with me, but I cannot recall ever really thinking much about it...

One night the 3 of us were all hanging out, we were drinking and listening to music and laughing, at some point, my wife and her friend began kissing... I can remember being amazed by seeing it, I had never seen two women kissing in real life, having it be my wife and this new girl that I enjoyed hanging around with just made it even more special. I did not have much time to think about it before my wife instructed for us to kiss. This maybe sounds a little weak, but I think I was instantly in love with this.. Call it NRE, but I was deeply effected by all of this...

Trying to fast forward, feelings developed quickly for all of us, I honestly recall it as some of the best moments in my life... I expressed to my wife my fears as my feelings were growing, we all always wanted to be around one another, we were all always there for one another...My wife having a tough time communicating bottled up a lof of feelings of resentment and jealousy about where things had gone... One night while the two of them were out at a party, my wife wound up kissing another man. This was the start of where it started to turn from something beautiful to something complicated and a little ugly. I was mad because I was now hurt and jealous but felt I had no right to my feelings because of the my feelings and relationship with her best friend.

Anyhow, years later, we maintained a complicated version of what I now know to be a polyamorous relationship. We all agreed to keep our relationship a secret, which always seemed wrong and unfair to our new partner besides giving the impression that it was wrong. I always felt wrong. When we would all be alone together it felt right, but when in our normal day to day lives, it just seemed wrong to me. After a while it was clear not one of us were having emotional or physical needs met. My wife ended the relationship and I just always took a very passive approach to this and again in this case, just went along with her decision. It is odd to me, because I feel like I am normally a natural leader and am normally the person that steps up in most situations that seem to need guidance. Not with this. I always deferred to both of them when it came to this triad. My wife and I never recaptured what we had before all of these things occured. While it is obvious we are still best of friends, with mutual respect and love for one another, there does not seem to any excitement or physical attraction from me to her. She said she is still physically attracted to me, but I am not sure if I totally belive this... Our partner is just now deciding that it seems as if she lost a lot of valuable time in her life while staying in this mostly unsatisfying triad over these past few years. She is just now getting strong enough to hit the scene again and start looking for someone for herself exclusively. Now I am caught, I still love both of them and am incredibly attracted to her still. I am going to be very jealous of her finding someone new, but I know it is not my place to say anything to that effect, most of all because I do not know how to make it work in a poly relationship. I am not bold enough to be honest with my family and friends about our relationship, I feel like a coward because I fear their judgments, I fear my child being embarrassed or ashamed of me. It baffles me, because at one point in my life I truly did not give a shit what anyone thought of me..

Anyhow, sorry this wound up being a novel... Any thoughts or perspective would be much appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 10-03-2012, 03:53 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Maybe you could start something with your ex again? Did you tell her you still love her? Your wife didn't have to make the call for both of you. It seems most of this issue is due to no one expressing their feelings and needs until the last moment or not at all. There is no need to stay in something that isn't working for years. Life is too darn short for that. If you love her and your wife, then tell them and see if something can't be worked out where you can have a "Vee."

As to it all feeling wrong; I wonder if that is because you didn't know anyone else. You aren't alone and it isn't wrong. Just not the norm.
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