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Old 10-03-2012, 12:37 AM
crazyinlove crazyinlove is offline
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I don't even know where to begin. I am a secondary to a married woman and I have no primary partner. I guess I am looking for advice. How often should secondaries see the people they are involved with? Is it really possible for someone who is married to another person to love the secondary? How long can this relationship last?

Last edited by crazyinlove; 10-03-2012 at 12:48 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-03-2012, 12:52 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I'm sorry you are confused and hurting.

Based on the limited information in your post it sounds as though you are unsure of where you stand with her - and this is adding to your upset. It may be that the best thing to do at this point may be to sit down and talk to her about how you feel and whether that feeling is mutual. At the very least you will find out where you stand and if "going quietly away" is the right action.

I know that I, personally, did push my secondary away in the first months because I was convinced that I was standing in the way of him finding a "real" girl (i.e. a "primary" of his own)...or that when he did he would leave and I would be hurt. I didn't say "I love you" for almost 10 months.

After much communication (and patience on his part) we were able to get past my reticence. It's almost a mantra on these boards but...communicate, communicate, communicate.

Without more information it is hard to know what other advice may be helpful. Why do you think that "posting for all to read" is "not a good idea"? We learn from the experiences of others. You do not need to post any personally identifying information (I would urge you not to) but telling how you happened to get involved, how long you have been together, what each person's expectations were initially and how that seems to have changed would give us an idea of where the problems may have arisen.

JaneQ

ETA: The OP edited his original post - this post of mine is in response to what was originally written.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-03-2012 at 01:22 AM.
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  #3  
Old 10-03-2012, 01:10 AM
crazyinlove crazyinlove is offline
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She doesnt communicate well. When I do communicate it becomes an issue. The reason I dont want to say to much is a I dont know if she reads these forums.
We spend no time alone together. We never go out on dates. I have brought this up but it is pushed aside.
How often do you communicate with your secondary? I want her and not interested in anyone else right now. Am I mono? I dont think I am. Am I crazy for restricting myself to only her?
We met at a poly group. She started calling and texting me. We started dating 7 months ago. The relationship was great in the beginning, but I am seeing the signs of disinterest. It hurts me. In the beginning she wanted long term. Now I am. Ot so sure. I dont know if I am being paranoid and insecure. I am waiting for the day she tells me to get lost. I dont know if I can handle it.

Last edited by crazyinlove; 10-03-2012 at 01:32 AM.
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  #4  
Old 10-03-2012, 01:40 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyinlove View Post
How often should secondaries see the people they are involved with? Is it really possible for someone who is married to another person to love the secondary? How long can this relationship last?
"How often should secondaries see the people they are involved with?"
This totally depends on the people involved and what they want. You will read on these forums people who are in every situation from "a few times a year" (in LDRs) to "everyday" (my "secondary" lives with us).

"Is it really possible for someone who is married to another person to love the secondary?"
Short answer - YES. Long answer - this is one of, what I see as, one of the basic tenets of the concept of what we call "polyamory" that it IS possible (for some people) to love more than one person. Some people, however, feel that they are "wired" monogamous - these people do not feel it is possible FOR THEM (although they may acknowledge that it is possible for others).

"How long can this relationship last?"
As long as it is the right for the people in it? Or to frame it another way - "How long can a monogamous relationship last?" Dude and I have been together for 1.5 years - he says he wants to be here for "a long time" (years? decades? forever?). BUT, life is uncertain - I've been with MrS for 20 years - I plan on being with him for "a long time" (years? decades? forever?) But either of these relationships could come to an end, for unforeseeable reasons, at ANY time. It's not about whether it's poly or mono, primary or secondary, it's about whether the relationship is meeting the needs of the people in it. It doesn't sound like your needs are being met...

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #5  
Old 10-03-2012, 02:03 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyinlove View Post
She doesnt communicate well. When I do communicate it becomes an issue.
I'm sorry, but this is a problem that doesn't bode well. What type of "issue"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyinlove View Post
The reason I dont want to say to much is a I dont know if she reads these forums.
Ask her? When I first started posted on these forums I asked my boys not to read my posts because I wanted a "safe" place to vent and ask questions. MrS immediately agreed. Dude thought that the posts I would be uncomfortable with him reading were the ones he most needed to "hear". I posted with this knowledge in mind (although, it turns out, Dude did NOT read anything that I had not specifically invited him to). After a few months - I was comfortable with either of them reading what I posted - since I had gotten into the habit of discussing my thoughts with them before I posted anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyinlove View Post
We spend no time alone together. We never go out on dates.
How and when do you usually interact?

Most of our time is spent with the three of us - since we live together and I am a "homebody". Still I can request time with one or the other of them, and them with me, if we need to talk about something, or someone needs some "one-on-one" time to reconnect. Ideally I would like one "date" (i.e. leaving the house for a planned activity) a month with each of them...

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyinlove View Post
I want her and not interested in anyone else right now. Am I mono? I dont think I am. Am I crazy for restricting myself to only her?
I don't think this is unusual at all for the early stages of a relationship. NRE (New Relationship Energy) is still at play. Especially if you don't have another established relationship to attend to. I recall this coming up here (on these forums) before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyinlove View Post
We met at a poly group. She started calling and texting me. We started dating 7 months ago. The relationship was great in the beginning, but I am seeing the signs of disinterest. It hurts me. In the beginning she wanted long term. Now I am. Ot so sure. I dont know if I am being paranoid and insecure. I am waiting for the day she tells me to get lost. I dont know if I can handle it.
Does she have much "poly" experience in the past? Do you? Some of this may be growing pains as you strive to overcome the "mono" training most of us grow up with. But, it may be that, as the NRE wears off (at different rates for each of you) you discover that you are not "right" for each other at this time, under these circumstances. This happens in monoships as well...again, I'm sorry that you are hurting.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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